Whisper into the void with me: https://rainbowafterdark.micro.blog
Podcast is on an indefinite hiatus
There may be future episodes, there may not! Thank you for listening!
Welcome to Rainbow After Dark, a place where we whisper into the void and explore the weird, messy, beautiful paradox of being human. In this first episode, I introduce myself and the purpose behind this podcast—a space to connect and embrace both the light and the dark.
I share a bit about my own journey, how chaos and contradiction have shaped me, and why connection—to ourselves, to others, and to life itself—is at the heart of what we’ll explore together. I’ll reflect on the complexities of existence, navigating disconnection, and how paradox is something we’re meant to live in (and embrace! give it a hug!) instead of solve.
This isn’t a “how-to” guide. It’s an ever evolving experiment; a space for growth, wonder, and understanding. So, whether you’re here out of curiosity, by accident, or because you’re looking for a little light in the dark—thank you for joining me.
Thanks for listening to Rainbow After Dark! If you enjoyed this episode, be sure to subscribe so you don’t miss future ones. If something resonated with you, I’d love to hear your thoughts—feel free to leave a comment here, or on YouTube (I don’t use it much, but I exist!).
This podcast is a space for reflection and exploration—it is not a substitute for professional advice. Please take care of yourself and seek support as needed.
Transcript for Episode 1 — “Hello, I’m Rainbow”:
Hello, I’m Rainbow.
I am a human on the internet—whispering into the void—and this is Rainbow After Dark.
This is a space where I can move thoughts from the inside of my brain to the outside.
Somewhere I can process my life out loud, and share what I’ve learned from navigating the weird, messy, beautiful paradox of being human.
At its heart, this is a podcast about connection—with ourselves, with others, with life itself.
So… whether you’re here out of curiosity, by accident, or because you also like whispering into the void… I’m glad you’re here.
If you’ve ever found yourself caught between contradictions, questioning everything while still trying to exist? Same. And that’s what this space is for.
As I said, I’m Rainbow—I am a human figuring out how to exist in this space between birth and death that we call life—in a body that, uh… I have some notes for. It’s got its own agenda.
Y’know?
I often feel like a lot of my existence is outside of my control.
I often feel like I’m existing in the middle of a lot of chaos.
Which I suppose makes sense, y’know… my childhood… was chaotic. That’s an understatement. So I’ve always kind of existed in chaos. And, uh, I know that shaped—our environments shape all of us, and I’m no exception.
And just like everyone I’ve had challenges and my life has been shaped by relentless challenges, and an equally relentless drive to understand myself and the world around me.
If there’s one thing I’ve always had, though? Is an insatiable need to understand myself and basically everyone and everything else—and that’s powered by some premium, organic, homegrown audacity.
And that’s where Rainbow After Dark comes in.
I’ve been through a lot of dark places in my life. I want a space where the hidden, shadowy, complicated bits could come out and play with the neon-bright moments of clarity. You know, you can’t have bioluminescence without the dark, right?
It’s a space for late night thoughts, existential spirals, and the kind of insights that hit you at 3 AM. It’s a space to explore what it means to grow through all of it—not by erasing contradiction, but by learning to hold the contradictions. Maybe snuggle them a little bit. Give ‘em a hug.
Because paradox isn’t something to solve… it’s something we live in.
It’s a part of everything, and connection is everything.
And I know what it’s like to feel disconnected—from myself, from others, and from life itself. I wanna explore how we lose connection, how we find it again, and what it means to truly be in relationship with ourselves and our-our reality, our existence.
I wanted to create a space for me to be unfiltered and honest and to turn my spirals of reflection into something that feels tangible… and maybe a little therapeutic.
I want to share my experiences in case they can help someone feel a little more connected, or more okay with the weird, messy nature of being human. This is an offering of solidarity, because if you’ve ever felt lost in the dark or like you’re failing at being human, I wan’t you to know you’re not alone. I know what it feels like to be stuck in the dark, wondering if you’re the only one trying to make sense of it all… and let’s be real, the dark gets a bad rap. It doesn’t mean it’s easy to be in a space where you can’t see forward and it feels like everything is clouded in confusion and uncertainty, but it’s also where the most growth happens, isn’t it?
My hope is that I’m creating a space where you don’t have to feel alone in that. That you can see bits of your own story in mine and know that we’re all just figuring it out, together.
If I can offer a little bit of light, or some sense of recognition in the chaos… then it’s worth it.
No expectations, and yet… here we are. Y’know, what-what to expect?
In general, I’m—you know, I wanna be honest, raw… things are probably gonna get kinda messy. They’ll probably be paradoxical. Almost certainly. Paradoxically.
Healing isn’t linear. Growth does not always feel like progress. And being yourself is rarely as simple as people make it sound.
I wanna talk about…
Connection.
The paradox of connection and disconnection—how our nervous systems adapt, both individually and collectively.
Trauma, healing, embodiment… with a mixture of both science and some spirituality. We can ask existential questions, discuss duality, and the weird and wonderful ways that everything is connected.
Our journey in regards to intuition, personal philosophy, an ever growing list of “ologies” that help us as humans make sense of all of this.
And of course, whatever comes up organically. Because it’s all connected anyway.
This space is evolving, just like I am.
I do not have it all figured out.
But I am here. And I’m curious. And maybe that’s enough.
Maybe that’s all we need is to be here, keep asking questions, and keep exploring and growing. And ideally we can do that together.
This is not a “how-to” guide, this is not expert advice, I am not here to tell anyone what to do—these are just my experiences, my observations, and whatever independent research I’ve done.
It’s not polished, it’s not perfectly curated. This is a living experiment. This is an attempt to connect, and an ongoing exploration of what it means to be human.
So, listen to your intuition, take what resonates, and leave the rest.
If something I say sparks a different insight for you? Follow that thread. Feel free to share it with me. You know yourself better than I ever will.
Connection is one of the most fundamental human needs. But it’s also the most complicated.
We crave closeness but we fear vulnerability… like, we’re terrified of it. Deer in the headlights, scared rabbit running away… like… it is something that I think most of us really, really struggle with. We long for belonging, but we resist being truly seen. We want connection—we need connection—but sometimes we’ve been taught, conditioned to feel safer when we’re isolated. And somehow we hold all of it.
And it’s not just emotional, it’s biological.
The nervous system, like reality itself, is built on paradox and duality.
Like I said, we need connection—but if early relationships weren’t safe for us? We learn to avoid them.
We long for closeness, but our bodies and our nervous systems might respond to that closeness as a threat.
We can be wired for both trust, and self-protection. Because at some point, both were probably necessary.
If relationships, especially early on, weren’t safe for us? We had to learn to adapt.
And this is usually deeply subconscious. And sometimes we will adapt by reaching for connection. And sometimes we withdraw from it. And sometimes it can feel like both at the same time.
And it’s not failure. It’s intelligence. It’s survival.
Paradox isn’t just something we navigate. It’s a form of connection itself.
It bridges opposites, it holds contradictions, and it reminds us that the truth—whatever that is—is rarely singular.
We don’t have choose between logic and intuition, certainty and ambiguity, individuality and community.
We contain all of it.
And paradox threads it together.
This is something I’ll explore more in future episodes—how our nervous systems adapt to disconnection, how connection and disconnection aren’t just personal struggles, but part of how we’ve adapted as individuals and as a collective.
Paradox and connection are at the heart of healing.
And I’m curious to explore what it means to built relationships that feel safe and expansive.
If you’ve ever felt the ache of wanting connection, and also being afraid of it… the pull towards people while also wanting to push them away so you can protect yourself?
You’re not broken.
You’re not failing at being human.
It’s not a flaw.
It’s not something to fix.
It’s your nervous system doing what it learned to do so you could survive.
And if you’re here, and you’re listening to me?
That means you did it! Great job!
Give yourself a gold star, or a sticker that suits your own personal tastes.
You’re living inside the same paradox as I am.
And maybe part of healing is learning how to stop fighting the paradox and hold it with compassion instead.
Like I said, y’know, give it a hug.
Maybe healing isn’t about choosing a side… but learning to exist, and maybe even embrace the tension.
That you can-you can be soft and you can be strong. You can be connected and independent. You can be safe and you can be free.
And I encourage you to look at your own experiences with paradox and connection.
Next time, I’ll dive deeper into how my body and nervous system have held onto patterns of disconnection and what I have learned about healing in a world that fails to cultivate connection… and how it’s all connected.
So whether you’re here to listen, whisper into the void, or join me in this weird corner of existence… thank you for being here. I hope my words spark something in you—maybe reflection, maybe connection, or maybe just a little light in the dark.
