Swiping for Something Real with Pieter Niemann

In today's epsiode- our guest, Pieter Niemann, joins Vanessa to speak about relationships and connections with the added context of Pieter's book, publishing on October 1st, 2026, Swiping for Something Real.

 **Dear listeners--you may notice some sound quality issues in this episode-- for which we apologize!, This was a great conversation, so despite some backgroun echo--we wanted to go ahead, even if sound isn't perfect-- we are "Real Over Ideal" after all.

Anyhow...on today's episode, Vanessa speaks with Pieter Niemann, a writer based in Zurich with training in mental health, about why modern dating and connection feel so exhausting. 

Vanessa and Pieter dig into the difference between being wanted and being known, how apps can create the illusion of connection, and why authenticity matters more than performance in relationships.

They also explore neurodivergence, masking neurodivergent traits, disclosure, and the role of self-knowledge in building better romantic and platonic relationships. Pieter shares how his own life experience shaped the ideas in his upcoming book, Swiping for Something Real.

Key topics

• In this episode: why names matter as an early form of identity and connection
• Pieter explains the difference between being wanted and being known
• The conversation critiques dating apps as catalogs and introductions, not the relationship itself
• Vanessa shares a dating story and the shift from seeking approval to seeking connection
• How instant gratification culture makes relationships feel harder to build
• Pieter talks about how apps can be useful for safety and community, especially for queer people
• The episode explores disclosure around autism, neurodivergence, and being misunderstood
• Pieter describes how rules, structure, and learned social scripts shaped his life
• Vanessa and Pieter discuss masking, overstimulation, and the importance of authenticity
• The closing theme: build your own life, identity, and community first, then invite others in

Timestamps

(00:00) Meet Pieter Niemann and the conversation about relationships
 (02:22) The meaning of a name and why identity matters
 (05:21) Why connection has become harder in the age of screens
 (08:13) Being wanted versus being known
 (12:27) What dating apps are good for and where they fall short
 (15:06) Why asking what someone is looking for can be too binary
 (19:49) Dating apps as catalogs, not authentic connection
 (21:56) Why in-person chemistry reveals more than profile matching
 (22:38) Deciding whether and when to disclose autism
 (24:28) What it feels like when people see autism as a flaw
 (27:27) Identity, judgment, and the fear of being misunderstood
 (30:24) Learning social rules, structure, and self-management
 (32:23) From dancing to acting to therapy work: learning connection through practice
 (36:46) Masking and the cognitive effort of moving through the world
 (38:14) Authenticity, overstimulation, and asking for what you need
 (42:32) Introversion, nervous energy, and managing connection
 (45:33) Knowing your limits in relationships
 (47:03) Build your life first, then invite people in
 (49:31) Dating as a season, not a waiting room
 (51:07) Pieter shares the book and how to preorder it

Pieter Niemann can be reached here:

https://pieterniemann.com/ 

 https://www.instagram.com/pieter_niemann_author/

Pieter is the author of Swiping for Something Real out on October 1st, 2026. It is presently available for preorder.

Pieter is based in Zurich and writes about connection, loneliness, and what it means to be human from inside the experiences he explores.

Click here to get in touch

Thanks for listening!

Please share the show with anyone who may enjoy it. We'd love it if you'd leave us a 5 star review wherever you're listening- it helps listeners find the show and we read every review.

If you'd like to submit an "Untangle This" question, a comment, or an episode idea-- Email us:

[email protected]

Vanessa is available to consult professionally with individual clients. If you'd like to work with Vanessa , reach out here:

https://vanessagorelkin.com/contact-us#12398ed6-3711-4e15-ae41-4711059fd6ab

If you'd like to read about Vanessa's background, treatment perspective and techniques, or other handy information about her practice, check out her Psychology Today profile here:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists/vanessa-gorelkin-scottsdale-az/809467

Decision Fatigue and How to Make Choosing Easier

This episode explains why decision fatigue is real, what it does to your brain, and why even small choices can feel impossible by the end of the day. Vanessa Gorelkin, your host, a licensed therapist and executive coach, breaks down the neuroscience and behavior patterns behind overwhelm, then shares practical ways to reduce the number of decisions you make.

The ‘Untangle This’ of this episode is a relatable question about post-college uncertainty— the answer includes a key reminder that you do not need the perfect answer, just a starting point.

Key topics

• Decision fatigue is a measurable decline in decision quality after making many choices throughout the day
• The average adult makes about 35,000 decisions a day, most of them small but cumulatively draining
• Late-day decision collapse shows up as impulse control failures, avoidance, shortcut-taking, and feeling stuck
• The prefrontal cortex handles planning and rational choice, and it becomes less efficient as the day goes on
• Glutamate buildup in the lateral prefrontal cortex helps explain why controlled thinking starts to feel too costly
• Decision fatigue isn’t laziness or lack of discipline, but a real neural and metabolic shift toward low-effort default choices
• Evening dopamine makes comfort behaviors like food, scrolling, and shopping feel more rewarding
• Decision fatigue affects real-world settings like healthcare, criminal justice, parenting, and workplace performance
• Practical ways to reduce overload include batching big decisions early, simplifying options, automating low-stakes choices, and using routines
• Perfectionism adds a hidden tax to decision-making, so “good enough” is often the better strategy

Notable quotables:

• “Decision fatigue is a measurable decline in decision quality after making many choices throughout the day.”
• “You don't need to choose the perfect path. You need to choose a starting point.”
• “You can't think your way to clarity. You have to act your way there.”

Action items

• Decide dinner or other routine choices earlier in the day
• Put workout clothes out before evening arrives
• Reduce daily choices by using routines and defaults
• Take breaks before you feel completely drained
• Use “future me” as a guide when perfectionism kicks in- what would ‘future me’ appreciate?

Click here to get in touch

Thanks for listening!

Please share the show with anyone who may enjoy it. We'd love it if you'd leave us a 5 star review wherever you're listening- it helps listeners find the show and we read every review.

If you'd like to submit an "Untangle This" question, a comment, or an episode idea-- Email us:

[email protected]

Vanessa is available to consult professionally with individual clients. If you'd like to work with Vanessa , reach out here:

https://vanessagorelkin.com/contact-us#12398ed6-3711-4e15-ae41-4711059fd6ab

If you'd like to read about Vanessa's background, treatment perspective and techniques, or other handy information about her practice, check out her Psychology Today profile here:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists/vanessa-gorelkin-scottsdale-az/809467

Why Nighttime Snacking Is Normal—and How to Manage It

This episode explores the psychological and physiological reasons behind nighttime eating, distinguishing between habitual snacking and clinical nighttime eating syndrome. She offers practical tips to recognize patterns, respect your body's signals, and develop healthier nighttime routines.
Key topics: 

• The biological basis for nighttime hunger, including changes in hormone levels like ghrelin and leptin 
• How circadian rhythms influence appetite and impulse control at night
• The impact of underfueling during the day on evening snacking tendencies
• The role of stress hormones like cortisol in evening eating behaviors
• How habit loops and emotional cues reinforce late-night eating patterns
• Differentiating normal habits from clinical conditions like nighttime eating syndrome 
• Practical strategies to break the cycle, including setting kitchen cut-off times and creating post-meal rituals
• The importance of satisfying meals to prevent night cravings
• How transition rituals can cue your body that eating is complete 

Timestamps:
00:00 - Why nighttime eating is a deeply human behavior
00:14 - Exploring the urge to eat after dinner and how it manifests
02:36 - The role of circadian rhythms in appetite regulation
03:36 - Impact of underfueling during the day on nighttime snacking
04:07 - Stress hormones and emotional eating in the evening
04:52 - Habit loops and memory-driven cravings
05:00 - The "I deserve it" affect and reward seeking at night
05:27 - Differentiating between normal habits and nighttime eating syndrome
06:24 - Importance of understanding the clinical aspect for proper evaluation
07:04 - Practical experiment: setting a kitchen cutoff time around dinner
08:53 - Responding to listener questions about post-dinner snacking habits
09:19 - How proximity to food, transitions, and emotional fatigue contribute to evening eating
10:20 - Strategies for satisfying dinners, closing the kitchen early, and creating effective evening rituals
11:54 - How understanding habits can help manage nighttime eating patterns

If you find yourself struggling with late-night snacking, remember—it's a pattern, not a flaw, and it can be understood, interrupted, and reshaped with mindful strategies. Vanessa offers insights into creating a satisfying, balanced approach to evening eating that respects both your physiology and emotional needs.Thanks for listening to Real Over Ideal. 

If this episode resonated, please share it with someone who might benefit, subscribe or follow the show, and consider leaving a five-star review to help others discover these helpful insights.

Click here to get in touch

Thanks for listening!

Please share the show with anyone who may enjoy it. We'd love it if you'd leave us a 5 star review wherever you're listening- it helps listeners find the show and we read every review.

If you'd like to submit an "Untangle This" question, a comment, or an episode idea-- Email us:

[email protected]

Vanessa is available to consult professionally with individual clients. If you'd like to work with Vanessa , reach out here:

https://vanessagorelkin.com/contact-us#12398ed6-3711-4e15-ae41-4711059fd6ab

If you'd like to read about Vanessa's background, treatment perspective and techniques, or other handy information about her practice, check out her Psychology Today profile here:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists/vanessa-gorelkin-scottsdale-az/809467

Hey Listeners: You'll notice some new music starting with this episode. Our editing software updated ownership of some of the tracks-- so we're trying some new things. Let us know what you think!

The Power of Walking: Beyond Trademark Hype and the Benefits for Your Nervous System

Discover why walking is a timeless, universal activity rooted in human history—and how it can serve as a powerful tool for emotional regulation, stress relief, and nervous system maintenance. In this episode, Vanessa Gorelkin breaks down the cultural significance of walking, dispels myths around the trending "hot girl walk," and shares practical tips to turn every walk into a self-care routine.Key Topics:

• The true meaning of trademarks and what they can and cannot protect, specifically in relation to phrases like "hot girl walk"
• The cultural and physiological significance of walking as an inherently human activity
• How walking activates your parasympathetic nervous system, promoting calm and emotional regulation
• The neuroscience behind rhythmic bilateral movements and their effect on stress and anxiety
• Practical steps to maximize stress relief and nervous system regulation during your walk
• The distinction between the cultural phenomenon of "hot girl walk" and the physical/mental benefits of walking
• Why movement matters more than aesthetics or branding efforts
• Addressing public sentiment around trademarks on activities that belong to everyone

Click here to get in touch

Thanks for listening!

Please share the show with anyone who may enjoy it. We'd love it if you'd leave us a 5 star review wherever you're listening- it helps listeners find the show and we read every review.

If you'd like to submit an "Untangle This" question, a comment, or an episode idea-- Email us:

[email protected]

Vanessa is available to consult professionally with individual clients. If you'd like to work with Vanessa , reach out here:

https://vanessagorelkin.com/contact-us#12398ed6-3711-4e15-ae41-4711059fd6ab

If you'd like to read about Vanessa's background, treatment perspective and techniques, or other handy information about her practice, check out her Psychology Today profile here:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists/vanessa-gorelkin-scottsdale-az/809467

Understanding the Cultural Shift Around Body Image and GLP-1s
 

In this episode, Vanessa Gorelkin explores the rise of GLP-1 drugs like Ozempic and their complex impact on body image, health perceptions, and societal norms. She offers a clear, insightful critique of the trend, emphasizing that health and worth are about much more than body size.

Key Topics:

• The cultural and social media influence on body image and the normalization of weight loss drugs

• The biological and physiological effects of GLP-1 medications and their long-term implications

• How societal narratives link thinness to health, morality, and worth

• The importance of redefining health beyond appearance and size

• Practical advice for navigating body acceptance and resisting the shrinking trend

• The science behind weight regain after stopping medications and potential side effects

• The significance of body neutrality and affirming identity outside of societal standards

Timestamps:
00:37 - Introduction: Body not a trend, physiology fights back
00:52 - Personal background and purpose of the episode
01:09 - The cultural shift: GLP-1 drugs and social media narratives
01:40 - Advertising and societal pressures to slim down
02:28 - Why thinness doesn’t equate to longevity
03:08 - Body acceptance and rejecting the trend of shrinking
03:43 - The impact of canceling food and appetite through medication
04:06 - Distinguishing between medical use and societal normalization
04:27 - The original purpose of GLP-1 medications in diabetes management
05:06 - The projected scale of GLP-1 usage in America by 2030
05:29 - Framing weight loss as a moral versus medical issue
06:08 - The fragility of weight loss achieved through medications
06:58 - Research on weight regain after stopping GLP-1s
07:23 - Biological mechanisms behind weight regain and hunger hormones
07:38 - The body's rebound effect and metabolism adaptation
08:18 - The behavioral side: scaffolding and emotional patterns
08:45 - Societal obsession: thinness as moral virtue
09:11 - Side effects and health risks of GLP-1s
09:25 - Chronic issues like gastroparesis, gallstones, and nutritional deficiencies
10:20 - Mood disturbances and long-term effects for diabetics
11:10 - The importance of existing fully in your body as resistance
11:49 - Moving away from transformation narratives toward acceptance
12:16 - Redefining health: from moral to functional and holistic
12:46 - The difference between appearance and actual health metrics
13:16 - Reclaiming personal health choices and self-trust
14:06 - Challenging the association of thinness with health and effort
15:30 - Reframing health with new vocabulary: strength, stability, connection
16:03 - The importance of non-morally judging health status
16:41 - The value of tapering off medications and understanding reversibility
17:14 - Informed decision-making about long-term medication use
17:25 - Practical tips: social media detox, eating in public, mirror practices
17:55 - Challenging internalized shame and societal expectations
18:25 - Embracing your body as your home, not a project to fix
19:07 - Closing thoughts: authenticity and self-worth beyond weightResources & Links:

• Vanessa Gorelkin — for therapy and body image support

Connect with Vanessa Gorelkin:

• Website

Click here to get in touch

Thanks for listening!

Please share the show with anyone who may enjoy it. We'd love it if you'd leave us a 5 star review wherever you're listening- it helps listeners find the show and we read every review.

If you'd like to submit an "Untangle This" question, a comment, or an episode idea-- Email us:

[email protected]

Vanessa is available to consult professionally with individual clients. If you'd like to work with Vanessa , reach out here:

https://vanessagorelkin.com/contact-us#12398ed6-3711-4e15-ae41-4711059fd6ab

If you'd like to read about Vanessa's background, treatment perspective and techniques, or other handy information about her practice, check out her Psychology Today profile here:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists/vanessa-gorelkin-scottsdale-az/809467

If you ever feel crushing doubts about yourself- especially in circumstances that baffle you, this episode is for you.

Overcoming Imposter Syndrome: A Personal Reflection and Practical GuideIn this episode, Vanessa Gorelkin candidly shares her ongoing battle with imposter syndrome while creating content about it. Her honest narrative serves as both a personal case study and a guide for listeners grappling with similar doubts. Discover insights about the prevalence, causes, and scientifically-backed strategies to address imposter feelings.

Main Topics Covered:

• Vanessa’s personal experience with imposter syndrome during episode creation
• The scientific understanding of imposter syndrome as a cognitive distortion
• Why high-achievers are especially prone to self-doubt 
• The role of workplace environments and societal expectations in fostering imposter feelings 
• Practical tips to recognize and challenge imposter syndrome in real time
• Reframing self-doubt: from incompetence to care and responsibility
• The importance of self-compassion and perspective-taking during career transitions

Additional notes: Remember, imposter syndrome is a common human experience—your feelings do not define your capabilities. Embrace the discomfort as part of your growth journey, and give yourself credit for the progress you are making.

Click here to get in touch

Thanks for listening!

Please share the show with anyone who may enjoy it. We'd love it if you'd leave us a 5 star review wherever you're listening- it helps listeners find the show and we read every review.

If you'd like to submit an "Untangle This" question, a comment, or an episode idea-- Email us:

[email protected]

Vanessa is available to consult professionally with individual clients. If you'd like to work with Vanessa , reach out here:

https://vanessagorelkin.com/contact-us#12398ed6-3711-4e15-ae41-4711059fd6ab

If you'd like to read about Vanessa's background, treatment perspective and techniques, or other handy information about her practice, check out her Psychology Today profile here:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists/vanessa-gorelkin-scottsdale-az/809467

Overcoming the "What-Ifery": How to Tame Your Brain's Catastrophic Thinking

In this episode, Vanessa Gorelkin discusses the fascinating phenomenon of "what-ifery" — the mental habit of imagining every potential disaster. She explores how this is a natural but often unhelpful part of human cognition and offers practical, science-backed tools to build resilience against anxiety caused by relentless hypothetical fears.

Main Topics:

• The neurological basis of "what-ifery" and intolerance of uncertainty
• How catastrophic thinking amplifies anxiety and shrinks your world
• Five effective techniques grounded in cognitive science for managing worry and uncertainty
• Practical tools like labeling thoughts, shrinking timelines, and body anchoring
• How to shift from prediction to capability to foster confidence in decision-making

Click here to get in touch

Thanks for listening!

Please share the show with anyone who may enjoy it. We'd love it if you'd leave us a 5 star review wherever you're listening- it helps listeners find the show and we read every review.

If you'd like to submit an "Untangle This" question, a comment, or an episode idea-- Email us:

[email protected]

Vanessa is available to consult professionally with individual clients. If you'd like to work with Vanessa , reach out here:

https://vanessagorelkin.com/contact-us#12398ed6-3711-4e15-ae41-4711059fd6ab

If you'd like to read about Vanessa's background, treatment perspective and techniques, or other handy information about her practice, check out her Psychology Today profile here:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists/vanessa-gorelkin-scottsdale-az/809467

Here's a great episode published a little over a year ago that always matters in the summertime.

If you're a person who knows the summertime blues or have a loved one who feels this way-- help is on the way in this updated episode.

Click here to get in touch

Thanks for listening!

Please share the show with anyone who may enjoy it. We'd love it if you'd leave us a 5 star review wherever you're listening- it helps listeners find the show and we read every review.

If you'd like to submit an "Untangle This" question, a comment, or an episode idea-- Email us:

[email protected]

Vanessa is available to consult professionally with individual clients. If you'd like to work with Vanessa , reach out here:

https://vanessagorelkin.com/contact-us#12398ed6-3711-4e15-ae41-4711059fd6ab

If you'd like to read about Vanessa's background, treatment perspective and techniques, or other handy information about her practice, check out her Psychology Today profile here:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists/vanessa-gorelkin-scottsdale-az/809467

Uncover and Rewrite Your Emotional Homeowners Association Rules

In this episode, Vanessa Gorelkin explores how subconscious "rules"—much like HOA bylaws—govern our emotions and behaviors, often causing stress and guilt. She offers practical strategies to identify outdated or unhelpful rules and update them to better serve our current lives.

Key Topics:

• The metaphor of emotional HOAs and how they enforce internal rules
• How childhood and cultural messages embed rules we aren't aware of
• The impact of outdated rules on our mental health and well-being
• Techniques to identify, question, and revise limiting internal rules
• The importance of values-based behavior over rigid rule enforcement 
• Recognizing conditioned responses, like feeling guilty about bedmaking
• Practical tips for practicing self-compassion and updating internal standards 
• The connection between self-regulation, self-schema, and guilt
• How to shift from punishment to flexible, realistic standards

Click here to get in touch

Thanks for listening!

Please share the show with anyone who may enjoy it. We'd love it if you'd leave us a 5 star review wherever you're listening- it helps listeners find the show and we read every review.

If you'd like to submit an "Untangle This" question, a comment, or an episode idea-- Email us:

[email protected]

Vanessa is available to consult professionally with individual clients. If you'd like to work with Vanessa , reach out here:

https://vanessagorelkin.com/contact-us#12398ed6-3711-4e15-ae41-4711059fd6ab

If you'd like to read about Vanessa's background, treatment perspective and techniques, or other handy information about her practice, check out her Psychology Today profile here:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists/vanessa-gorelkin-scottsdale-az/809467

Embracing Imposter Syndrome: A Personal Reflection with Vanessa Gorelkin

In this episode, Vanessa Gorelkin openly shares her recent struggles with procrastination and imposter syndrome, providing a candid behind-the-scenes look at confronting self-doubt. It’s a relatable deep dive into understanding and managing imposter feelings, especially for high-achievers and those navigating new challenges.Key Topics

• The personal battle with imposter syndrome and how it can delay progress
• The prevalence and scientific basis of imposter syndrome, affecting up to 62% of people
• Characteristics of those prone to imposter feelings: conscientious, high-achieving, sensitive 
• Imposter syndrome as a cognitive distortion: a mismatch between perceived and actual competence
• Environment factors that amplify imposter feelings: underrepresented groups, ambiguous roles
• Neuroscience insights: the brain’s threat detection system versus confidence-building
• Practical tips to recognize and confront imposter syndrome, including labeling feelings and perspective shifting
• The importance of growth mindset: replacing "I don’t know" with "I’m learning"
• Standard post-graduation doubts and how they are natural steps into professional identity
• Reassurance that feeling like an imposter signals growth, not incompetence
• Encouragement to "do it anyway" despite doubts and high standards

Click here to get in touch

Thanks for listening!

Please share the show with anyone who may enjoy it. We'd love it if you'd leave us a 5 star review wherever you're listening- it helps listeners find the show and we read every review.

If you'd like to submit an "Untangle This" question, a comment, or an episode idea-- Email us:

[email protected]

Vanessa is available to consult professionally with individual clients. If you'd like to work with Vanessa , reach out here:

https://vanessagorelkin.com/contact-us#12398ed6-3711-4e15-ae41-4711059fd6ab

If you'd like to read about Vanessa's background, treatment perspective and techniques, or other handy information about her practice, check out her Psychology Today profile here:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists/vanessa-gorelkin-scottsdale-az/809467