In this episode - we give a quick recap of episode #38 (since it’s the foundation) and then dig into more of the practicalities of rebuilding trust.  Here are five things we focus on:   - It’s the little things, not just the big ticket things that matter.   - Your personal positives can’t outweigh the relational positives.   - Showing it’s on your mind more than it’s on hers.   - When it’s the hardest it counts the most.   - Showing it’s born out of your character change.   We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us!    Click here to join the wait list for the Worthy of Her Trust Workshop. Click here to join the wait list for the RLW Retreat for women - releasing the next date and location soon! Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus.  We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop!  Click here to subscribe to Shelley’s {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason’s list.  Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast.  

#39: Rebuilding Trust - The Practicalities

Looking for hope and redemption after sexual betrayal? Then this is the podcast for you! We’re Shelley and Jason Martinkus, authors of four books, including Worthy of Her Trust and we’ve been there. We’re nearly two decades into our own recovery work, and have dedicated our lives to helping other men, wives and marriages on the journey toward wholeness. With candor, vulnerability and authenticity we want to walk with you, too! Tune in as we address the highs and lows, the hard questions and the challenges couples face as they pursue redemptive living.

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So here we are!  The final episode of Season #6. We start with me needing to loop back to something we discussed in the last episode where Jason said he received feedback from someone saying that sometimes when Jason mentions the past / the timeline, that he is shaming me.  While I don’t think he is trying to shame me - I DO experience shame when certain parts of our story is mentioned.  I wanted to share a point of clarification that didn’t come to me until after we had stopped recording last week. I’ve wanted to talk about the shame women carry for a while and I thought this would be a good time to dig into it.  We start with a working definition of shame - because in some ways, it’s really hard to conceptualize.  What I think is important is for us to remember that shame is an indictment on our being.  It’s more than a feeling - shame becomes a sense of self. We then talk about permanent shame (thanks to Christa - one of our podcast producers - this is more rightly named chronic shame) versus acute shame.  So for those of you that read the show notes - think of this as a bonus! We switch gears and dig into the different facets of recovery and how shame bubbles up in each of these areas and slowly chips away / erodes at our sense of self as women.  We talk emotionally, financially, physically, sexually…  The conversation continues and we talk about several things including how his acting out isn’t an indictment on her being (although it FEELS that way), naming the shame, recognizing that the antidote to shame is the starting point, bringing it to community (which includes having others dismantle the shame), and ultimately working at putting ourselves back together. I was so grateful for Jason to bring up the reality that her shame necessitates compassion from him.  We discussed this before we started recording and I’m so glad Jason looped back to this - it’s so important for men to be WITH her in her shame and pain not separate from it.  It will make the biggest of differences. We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us for Season #6, we will be back in the Fall for Season #7!   Shelley mentions  Episode #7 on Toxic Shame and Biblical Shame which might be helpful to review as we pick up the topic of shame again in this podcast episode.     Make sure you download the Podcast Freebies! You can do that here.       Please join my team at the first ever RLW Conference - She Heals -  in Denver THIS summer.  I would so love to meet you at this event!     Jason is hosting another Recovery 2.0 workshop for men in Texas in June.  You can get all the details here.     Would love for you to consider joining me at the Fall 2024 Retreat - you can join the wait list here.  The Spring Boundary Class is FULL.  However, we are considering adding an early summer class - you can join the wait list here.     For more information on RL Academy, click here.     Join the community on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus.     We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop!     Click here to subscribe to Shelley’s {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason’s list.     Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast.  

#80: The Shame She Experiences

In this episode - we talk about how he can hold her hostage in the recovery process.  We discuss this concept, of him holding her hostage, two different ways (or avenues or angles or well, you get the point).   The first avenue is how Jason interprets “holding her hostage” which essentially is him holding her hostage for his past wounds and holding her accountable and responsible to heal his past wounds.  This certainly was a dynamic that Jason and I dealt with while we were dating as well as while we were married.     We end up moving into a conversation about Jason going first in the recovery process and him relinquishing the expectation of me “healing” his wounds and I qualified that by saying it’s not “fully” my responsibility.  This takes us down a whole other trail where I mention Genesis 2:21 where Eve was taken from Adam’s rib - close to his heart and under his arm as well as Genesis 2:18 and the word "helper" meaning one who provides what is lacking in another.  Clearly I am grappling with this and Jason gives a helpful analogy.   The second avenue that we quite quickly look at because we were running out of time is when he holds her hostage by not being open to allowing her to express her pain and giving her a soft space to land as she grieves.  A lot packed into this episode - some tears, a lot of laughter and hopefully a lot to think about.   We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us for Season #6.     Make sure you download the Podcast Freebies! You can do that here.       Would love for you to consider joining me at the Fall 2024 Retreat - you can join the wait list here.  The Spring Boundary Class is FULL.  However, we are considering adding an early summer class - you can join the wait list here.     For more information on RL Academy, click here.     Join the community on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus.     We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop!    Click here to subscribe to Shelley’s {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason’s list.      Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast.    

#79: Holding Her Hostage

It’s just me today, popping in to let you know we will be back next week with a fresh episode. I am sharing the quickest of life updates with you guys plus a reminder about a couple of resources that we offer. We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us for Season #6.  For those of you that are new here, check out Episode #1 for Our Story.   Make sure you download the Podcast Freebies! You can do that here.     Would love for you to consider joining me at the Fall 2024 Retreat - you can join the wait list here.  Would also love for you to join me in the 2Q Boundary Class starting THIS month - get more information and register here.   For more information on RL Academy, click here.   Join the community on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus.   We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop!   Click here to subscribe to Shelley’s {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason’s list.   Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast. 

Regrouping + Resources

  As we dig into the content of this particular episode - please keep in mind that these situations are SO nuanced.  So please take what we are sharing and consider how it applies to you.  What we share will not work for everyone in every situation.   #1 - Clearly End the Affair -    Our first suggestion for regaining confidence and to be able to go back out into the community with your head high is to consider utilizing a technique from I Don’t Love You Anymore (link below).  In the book, Dr. Clarke suggests that the betrayer (with his wife on the line) calls the affair partner to verbally and officially end things.  This is something Jason and I did with several of his AP’s and it was incredibly validating and honoring for me and it also gave me confidence as I went back out into the world.   #2 - Make a Choice + Take Back Your Power -    Next, we talk about making a choice + taking back our power.  Specifically, we think it’s important for you to make a choice about who needs to know about this and who doesn’t need to know about it.  And once that choice is made - remind yourself that NONE of these people (whether they know or don’t know) have power over you.   Jason makes a great point - once those people know, we can start to relinquish control of the narrative.  We have made the decision and we can surrender the rest.  Head held high.  (And remind yourself that what others think is nothing for you to be concerned with.)  Reputation is something we have very little to no control over but our character is what we want to focus on and what we can control.  So again, surrendering our reputation and surrendering control of the narrative.   We talk briefly about shame and this is probably something we need to dive into a bit more here on the podcast - how shame impacts her (we covered shame for him in episode #7, see link below).  For now, practice an awareness of the role that shame plays and how it impacts your confidence when you go out in public.  Keep in mind the antidote to shame is intimacy so naming it and then talking about it are key.   #3 - Have a Plan -    Something that helped me years ago was to imagine this happening (a run in) and having a plan for what I would or would not say.  I also had to lean into what was going to be an incredibly awkward situation and let it be awkward (as much as we don’t want things to be awkward).   #4 - Embrace this as an Invitation for Greater Healing -    Give yourself permission to take baby steps.  Start by going to your mailbox and celebrate that win.  Go through a drive through and give yourself a ton of compassion.  Build off of those baby steps and keep stretching yourself.  And all the while, know that this, too, will cultivate character and growth in YOU.   Jason then shares two things that he wants men to know:  if you bump into the AP - RUN.  Literally.  As he said so well - you can’t leave any space for questions.  And as quickly as you leave, you quickly tell your wife.  Don’t not say anything and definitely don’t think you are protecting her by not saying anything.  Not true.  You are protecting you when you choose not to say anything.  The end.   We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us for Season #6.    We mention episode #54 - Fearing Attractive Women at the top of the episode.  You can listen to that here.     A book we reference a ton and did again in this episode - I Don’t Love You Anymore by Dr. David Clarke.  If you haven’t read this book, and especially if you lack confidence to say to your husband - this is not okay - I highly encourage you give this book a read.     For the episode on Biblical Shame - check out #7 - Toxic Shame and Biblical Shame.      Make sure you download the Podcast Freebies! You can do that here.       Would love for you to consider joining me at the Fall 2024 Retreat - you can join the wait list here.  Would also love for you to join me in the 2Q Boundary Class - registration opened last week.     For more information on RL Academy, click here.     Join the community on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus.     We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop!    Click here to subscribe to Shelley’s {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason’s list.      Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast.      

#78: Going Into Public with Confidence

As Jason said early on in this episode - recovery work is painful.  It hurts, it’s scary and no wonder we resist it.  Jason talks about how he went from resisting the recovery work to accepting that there was work to do.  It’s in this process that we make friends with the work.  As Thomas Berry, a coach on our team, says - we go from “got to TO get to”. How we make friends with the work:  1 - When recovery calls, we answer the call. 2 - Embrace that it's going to hurt. 3 - We make time. 4 - It brings us closer to God. 5 - We learn from the work. 6 - We help others make friends with their work. What stops us from making friends with the work:  1 - Cost:  time, money, ego, our job, our status, our reputation.  Ultimately, it comes down to what we value. 2 - Fear:  of change, what we will find out about ourselves, etc. 3 - The injustice of it. 4 - Lack of guaranteed outcomes and a lot of unknowns. 5 - Bad theology Jason then left me underwhelmed when he said: The place to start is by starting.  (As you will hear, I was ready for the next step and he looked at me and said - that’s it.  Just start.)  Okay then.  So we dedicate time daily to the recovery work.  And if doing the work isn’t getting you anywhere - consider the practice of implementation (Jason asks some great questions geared toward looking at implementation and if it’s happening) as well as consider if the work you are doing is actually not the right work and needs to be revamped. We segue into a conversation about recovery plans and relapses and I really appreciate what Jason shares about recovery plans being the means to the end and not the end.  “The plan isn’t the issue, the person is the issue." We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us for Season #6.   Jason mentions episode #68 - What Exactly IS Good Work?  You can listen to that here.     Jason mentions the Identity Masterclass - you can find out more about that here.     Make sure you download the Podcast Freebies! You can do that here.       Would love for you to consider joining me at the Fall 2024 Retreat - you can join the wait list here.  Would also love for you to join me in the 2Q Boundary Class - registration opened last week.     For more information on RL Academy, click here.     Join the community on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus.     We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop     Click here to subscribe to Shelley’s {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason’s list     Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast.  

#39: Rebuilding Trust - The Practicalities

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