Rated PG-13

RED ONE takes us to the North Pole where Santa Claus is kidnapped by an evil witch bent on punishing the naughty. It’s up to Santa’s bodyguard and a notorious criminal to save him and the holiday itself.

I get what they were thinking when they made this, which was to deliver a FAST & FURIOUS version of Christmas. But they’ve stripped out all the holiday cheer and replaced it with performative masculinity and enough testosterone to kill a bull elephant.

Dwayne Johnson and Chris Evans phone in their parts, cashing in on their blockbuster career highlights. And the script is loaded with Yuletide movie clichés – from the redemption of a deadbeat dad to the hyper-techno upgrades to Santa’s workshop – but none of it is presented in any coherent form.

There are a few decent moments – I’m looking at you, Krampus – but for a movie so focused on Christmas… there’s not much Christmas spirit in it.

RED ONE gets two roided-out candy canes out of five. I’m Kevin Carr, and that’s the way I see it.

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