Chris identifies the four signs that you’ve slipped into a reactive, referee mindset. When we are in this mode, we focus on rules and punishment rather than growth.

• Reprimanding: Focusing strictly on what not to do (e.g., "Stop running!").
• Repeating: Saying the same directive over and over, which actually teaches kids they don't have to listen to the first "whistle."
• Raising Your Voice: Matching a child's volume rather than modeling emotional regulation.
• Removal: Relying on the "red card"—removing the child from the situation or taking away privileges—as the only tool for control.

Chris explains why "Refereeing" often leads to more defiance. When we reprimand or raise our voices, we trigger the child’s amygdala (the survival brain), putting them into fight-or-flight mode. In this state, the prefrontal cortex (the part of the brain responsible for logic and learning) essentially shuts down. You cannot teach a child a new skill while they are in a state of fear or shame.

To move back into "Coach Mode," Chris suggests using the COPE acronym to guide children through difficult moments:

• C – Confirm: Acknowledge the difficulty or the feeling. "Yeah, sharing that toy is really hard."
• O – Options: Give the child choices to restore their sense of autonomy.
• P – Prompting Skills: Remind them of the "drill." Use visuals or practice redos (Mulligans).
• E – Empowering Boundaries: Set firm, clear boundaries that focus on the goal of getting back into the "game."

• The "Mulligan" (The Redo): Just like in golf, give yourself and your child permission for a redo. If an interaction starts poorly, stop, apologize, and try again.
• Instruction over Policing: Parenting is about teaching skills, not just enforcing rules. Skills require hundreds of practice sessions to become habits.
• Prompting with Presence: Use visuals (like post-it notes or menus of coping skills) to remind kids of their tools without getting into a verbal power struggle.
• "I’m On Your Team": This is the most powerful shift a parent can make. Reminding your child that you are their teammate, not their opponent, changes the entire family dynamic.

• Follow Dr. Chris Barclay: Find his guides and tips on Instagram here.
• Integrated Behavioral Health: Looking for a skill-building, neuro-affirming approach to your child's behavior in Denver? Connect with our team.

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