I had some pre-flight and travel jitters when trying to prepare for my flight to Cancún, Mexico with a connecting flight from Leon. Wherever that was. My last big trip out of the country was in 2019 when I went to Egypt and a lot has changed since then for me. I had to trust a neighbor with my keys, pay him and an old friend to feed my cat and take me to the airport, and truly learn how to let go. It was really hard for me to leave everything behind and allow myself to have fun when I don’t collect PTO or sick days. I was stressing really hard to have a good time and relax.

Things were totally different since the last time I was at LAX Airport but the moment I arrived, I found some peace and allowed myself to relax a little. This was my first time doing a super budget plane ride and note to all of you, pay for the nicer flight with leg room. Especially if you are taking a red eye and hoping to get some sleep. No nuts, no water, no service, no nothing. And two days into my trip I got some sort of summer flu from my plane ride.

Next week's episode will dive into what actually went down in Mexico and how different your experience can be when you get out of your head and listen to friends, family and critics advice and warnings. Traveling allows you to think bigger, bolder, and brighter. You drop into a place with new faces, different cultures, different lives being lived and I don’t know about you, but put your newspapers, magazines, social media, and news away folks because that is just a form to keep you scared and away from living your life. My neighbor who was watching my cat sent me an article while I was in Mexico with my cousins, telling me to be careful of the giant earthquake that was plaguing Mexico, and I was like, “What Earthquake? Bro….I am fine. But thank you for your concern. Now put the phone down.”.

Follow the duck & Evelyn on her adventures and journeys @ducklifeproductions

Song links!⁠⁠⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://distrokid.com/hyperfollow/evelynslatershew/songwriting-days⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

⁠buymeacoffee.com/ProducerEvelyn⁠

Keywords: contrarian thinker, accountability, emotional intelligence, real life, no filter, authenticity, documentary, hiking, solo hiker, adventure, solitude, isolation, optoutside, journey, destination, individual, thinking, contrarian thinker, philosophy, self development, growth, awareness, reflections, reflections of evelyn, meditation, producer evelyn, stream of consciousness, writing, producing, blogs, journaling, mindfulness, yogi, spiritualism, flora, relationships, inspiration, encouragement, positivity, news, journalism, politics, trends, trending, responsibility, accountability, peace, joy, love, art, humans with a pulse, real life, no filter, authenticity, raw, moving, story telling, subjective, abstract, picture this, documentary, creative, talk therapy, support, guidance, UK, Russia, capitalism, individual, thinking, philosophy, self development, growth, Mexico

…you know, all the stuff you “shouldn’t talk about”

insert grinch gif

Movie mentioned in this episode “Lord Of War”

⁠https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AXgyoER0aRc⁠

^Because who doesn’t love Nicolas Cage right? I swear a version of this movie is completely true.

…The word I could not remember when describing how wonderful love making could be was…SEROTONIN!

I don’t know about your friends and family network, but there are some topics you just don’t want to bring up around a dinner table or maybe ever. Or maybe with people you just started dating. Or maybe just not, so soon. Unless you plan on being argumentative about it, I don’t see anything wrong with sharing your opinion as long as we are allowing other people to have their opinions too and in the same way we share them. We are all right, and all wrong I like to say. There is not one singular person on this planet Earth, who knows it all and holds the right to tell other people how to think or feel, it truly is up to you to decide what feels right in your bones and how you want to take that information in your own life.

Maybe I grew up on too many James Bond, Indiana Jones, Superman and Terminator movies to not have an opinion on these topics. If I go around in my head pretending/believing I am my own character in a film as I take on my day at any given moment, I am in an episode of Handmaid's Tale, or a scene from “Lord Of War” or “Law Abiding Citizen”. Maybe throw in a little bit of “He’s Just Not That Into You”, “Sweet Home Alabama” or "Armageddon". Oh wait! And “Independence Day”, “Hitchhikers Guide To The Galaxy”, 8 ½, Choke (2008), Frasier, Buffy, Smallville, Seven Psychopaths, and “Mr. Right”. Basically, I can list those movies and tv shows and that pretty much sums up my entire personality.

I hope today, whatever time of day you are enjoying this episode, that you remind yourself to show yourself some grace, love, compassion, and constantly remind yourself that you do not need to be a cog in the wheel, a rat in the race, you are not just a number, and you deserve to have some fun and laughter in your life. You may be having a bad day, but there are ALWAYS good days ahead. Let this be one for you.

buymeacoffee.com/producerevelyn

Follow the duck & Evelyn on her adventures and journeys @ducklifeproductions

Song links!⁠⁠⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://distrokid.com/hyperfollow/evelynslatershew/songwriting-days⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

Keywords: accountability, emotional intelligence, real life, no filter, authenticity, documentary, isolation, optoutside, journey, contrarian thinker, growth, awareness, reflections, reflections of evelyn, writing, producing, blogs, journaling, encouragement, story telling, talk therapy, support, journalism, politics, trends, trending, sci fi, rom coms, action, drama, conspiracy theories, religion

We are finishing up our Road Trip to Fresno. If you didn’t catch the last episode, “What Is A Predator?” make sure to check that one out before continuing with this one.

This morning, the dude I recently started dating, bought me a breakfast burrito because I bought him a special meal last night for all of his hard work and efforts he has been putting into his new career lately. He said, “What was I gonna do? Get myself something and not you”? All I could process out of my mouth was a whimper and I said, “ But where are the hash browns?” My brain's thoughts were trying to comprehend what was happening in real time. I thought to myself, You got me a breakfast burrito without sausage? No potatoes?? Why is he spending money on me when he needs to be saving money? That’s why I treated him yesterday. All of this was happening in my head as I was spiraling, withdrawing from nicotine again and frantically looking for my keys which are always in the same place yet somehow with a new presence around, this time they were not in their usual spot.

My dude and I go roughly 1-2 weeks without seeing each other each month because we are long distance, and sometimes he comes over and spends 2-3 days with me to make up for the time apart. We are both trying to get used to spending time with someone else when we are used to doing "life" alone.

Later that day I started whining at him because work has been slow again so I couldn’t afford to pay him for any luxuries to wash my car because it has been trashed since before I bought it. From all of my purchased car washes from when I was a ride share driver, never touched the damage of the polar bear-like dog who basically lived in the car with the previous owner when they went on joy rides together.

Of course the dealership thought the car was “cheap” enough to not detail it properly before selling it to me.I had been bugging him to bring his tools and supplies over so he could work on my car the last few weeks and I felt so guilty to afford such a luxury when it was not feasible with the current economic situation i was in. I told him I was so sorry for nagging him about it and making such a big deal about how I needed it done and he said, “I won’t do the whole car but I got you. Don’t worry about it.”

An hour into his cleaning, I brought him down some tea and to check on his progress to see if he needed some help because I could not imagine what was taking so long as I have a tiny car. I came down to the garage and one seat out of five, was done. I could not believe how meticulous and diligent he was being on the seats and I was completely and utterly speechless because the difference was beyond night and day. An eleven year old car essentially looked brand new to me, I could not believe it. I went back and forth to get him some water for his machine and kept pestering how I could help as I found myself feeling so guilty for wanting something that was so labor intensive, and for free. He did not finish until around 10:30pm. He came back into the house and face planted on my bed and did not want to move. He didn’t give me a guilt trip, didn’t ask for payment, didn’t expect anything in return, he just asked if I was happy with the results. I always have something to say and this time was speechless.

This was literally a labor of love. My car smells new, fresh, and you can see patterns that weren’t there before. It was beyond a gift to me. I am still getting used to getting out of my head, bouncing thoughts and ideas off of someone, holding my own while sharing space with another, but this is my first opportunity to start over again and try things differently this time. It takes time though and trials and efforts, to undo the previous hurt and pain and pre conceived notions of how life or people are, should or ought to be. To get out of your own way and believe in fresh starts and new beginnings and different paths.

When I was in junior high, I had a best friend at the time who gave me my very first girl kiss in the jacuzzi of her hot tub and later she broke it off as friends because I guess she thought I was too religious and wouldn’t understand or accept her, but hey, I was there for it. And one day, her dad treated us to a getaway at some fancy Westin resort near Palm Springs and it was just me, my best friend, her dad and her brother. Her brother was some sort of “special”. I don’t know what you would call him these days but he had a difficult time controlling himself and spoke in a particular way. After an afternoon at the pool, my bestie and I went back to the hotel and took a nap. Her older brother was near me in the room and he reached under the covers and started touching me. As girls often are, I was shamed for bringing it to the adults attention when I got home and they chalked it up to him being special, he didn’t mean it, and maybe that didn’t really happen.

In that same family dynamic, my friend's mom had a male friend who was her gigolo of sorts and we always hated that guy. He was a creep. He always tried to make it seem like he was one of us. He wasn’t. My mom would ask him to come over to the house sometimes to work on house projects; like paint our fucking kitchen pink and purple with gold sparkles. God, it was horrendous growing up with that fucking kitchen. But I always told my mom how uncomfortable I was with him being there, that he did not have good intentions whenever my mom left the room. But my mom thought I was being harsh and dramatic and had her own intentions for him being there, so she let it slide. Thankfully for me, he only attempted to make advances and said a lot of things he shouldn’t. I always hoped nothing happened to my gf though. She ended up becoming non-binary and he became transgender. Go figure.

There was another time in college when I went to the school doctor for help about some female problems I was having and the doctor said he was gonna “try to help me out” and I’m pretty sure it’s for reasons like what went down in that room that they always have nurses join in now and leave the door open. Us pioneers gotta lead the way, right? I remember being impacted by it shortly after graduation time and I reported it to the cops but they said because I was in a different city when I called it in, they couldn’t file a claim for me unless I went back to the scene of the crime. I thought that was bologna and that's probably where my issues started with cops back then. I think the only reason why I graduated was because my mom threw enough of a stink about what happened that day in the doctors office that they gave me a pass because I couldn’t pass my math classes. Algebra freaking 2 you guys. I always sucked @ math. I hope that’s not why I was able to graduate. I hope not.

To end on a lighter note, at the tail end of turning almost 22, I worked a security guard job and worked my first shift at Oz Fest in Orange County where the good ole Ozzie Osborne was performing and my allergies were so bad that I asked to be relocated from the dusty back side of the festival and they stuck me in front of the catering booth where I met the love of my life. He was 14 years older than me. A voice from behind me offered me a brownie,and I turned around to see where the voice was coming from and my life was forever changed from that point forward. I love you forever, Guido. Love always, Claudia.

Claudia: I don't understand. He meets a girl that can give him a new life and he pushes her away?

Guido: Because he no longer believes in it.

Claudia: Because he doesn't know how to love.

Guido: Because it isn't true that a woman can change a man.

Claudia: Because he doesn't know how to love.

Guido: And above all because I don't feel like telling another pile of lies.

Claudia: Because he doesn't know how to love.

-Federico Fellini's 8½

Recently, I received a very big gift, or one I thought was very big as it was consuming my mind a little bit and making me anxious. My sliding glass door and screen was a bit old school and would not lock or shut properly allowing flies to come in and with Long Beach, you never know who wants to jump onto your balcony and I wanted to make sure my door would lock so I could feel safe. I had one general contractor come over and tell me it was a $250 job to align the doors and lock it properly. I had a friend of mine who said he wanted payment but kept putting it off until we got into an argument about it and now he isn’t speaking to me, and I myself, went to Ace Hardware, removed the handle and showed the handle bar and a video to the store manager and he said I needed to remove the doors, which he said was a two person job, grease and or replace the wheels and maybe then could it be fixed. Being a home owner on my own can be pretty expensive and stressful at times so I try to get help where I can but kept getting frustrated that I could not fix this door issue. Needless to say on my 4th attempt, I asked this guy I am newly dating if he could look at it for me and I would pay him. I told him what a feat it was for me, causing me a giant headache, and just wanted to feel comfortable not worrying about my lock and door. He told me the next time he came out my way, he would look at it.

He ended up spending a few nights with me and on the last day before we hit up the beach he said, “Remind me to look at your door before we go. I looked at it and it will only take me like ten minutes”. I told him that he was lying and it could not have been that simple as everyone was making it sound like climbing Mount Everest, and my closest friend who prides himself on fixing anything and everything could not get around to it or be bothered.

He said, “Gimmie a hammer”. I gave him a hammer. 10-15 minutes later, it was done. I had my jaw open the entire time just staring at him going to town on my door. When he finished, I said, “How much do I owe you?” He said, “Don’t worry about it, maybe buy me some chips or something.” I said, “What?! Chips?! A blow job isn’t even good enough for what you just did for me. I need to do better than that. Are you sure?”. He was serious. We went to the beach and I got him some chips and he was a happy camper acting like it was not a big deal. I was legitimately shook for about a half hour. I explained to him what I am telling you now and he just shrugged it off. I think you understand the moral of the story here. How grateful I was to be freshly dating someone who not only did what they said they were going to do, did not make me feel like a pile of crud about it, and did not choose to take advantage of the situation. I was blown away by what a great man that was in front of me.

When I started dating this guy, it was rough for a few weeks. Not that I am a big fan of using the words “we are both scorpios” but you get my drift. We but heads a lot, we both want to be right, and we both misunderstand what each other is saying often. But we worked through our first fight recently. I kept thinking, this man was not expecting to meet me and he surely was not expecting to date anyone any time soon, he was just looking to “connect”, whatever that means these days. But we met, and after about a month started dating and what I see is a man who does not have it all figured out, does not know how to get to everywhere that he wants to be, but is willing to put in the work, try, and show effort. It is honestly so beautiful and refreshing to me. I have dated some guys in the past that have the established life, the high paying jobs, and could not communicate or show effort to save their own life.

Besos everyone. Hang in there.

I went to prom the other day, fine, okay, I was working one and I could not get over how much older I felt and so ‘mom’ like when I saw all these girls dressed up and ready to have some fun and all I wanted to do was make sure they were safe and well taken care of.

My friend made a comment to me, “When did you become such a momma bear” when I kept trying to find the most appropriate way to console and assist this young band performer who was sweating like a dog, chain smoking, and singing at the top of his lungs with no care in the world in the parking lot with this buddies. He was 100% on some sort of methamphetamine and talking 1000 miles a minute. I could not get over the people turning their eyes and ignoring this very young kid, who had some sort of parents, somewhere, and watching this kid throw his youth away for a chance to be a rock star. It was difficult to watch. He could not have been more than 20 years old.

I worked up the courage to approach him but how the heck do you approach a young boy when you are my age to show concern when no one else seems to give a damn. My co-workers were saying, “You have to let him be. It is better for you to stay out of the way”, but thankfully just to calm my nerves, my co-worker joined me to not look so intimidating and we walked up to him and I said, “Hey I am just making sure you are good. If you need anything, just let us know, okay?” He thought I was delusional for even mentioning it and I wanted to offer him a ride home because no one in the car he rode with was sober or completely sane at that moment and I felt completely helpless. What was I going to do? Call the cops? Hell no. Contact the organization running the event? They had eyes and ears.

I know these kids need to make their own mistakes but at what cost? Who knows, but I needed to do my part. He imprinted my brain and I felt like a mother inside of me, but it made me question how parents raise kids in the type of world we are living in today. I hope to one day have a child or two on my own but I am mostly serious when I say I would need to be a millionaire to do it right. I would want to keep my marriage in tact and not drown in the stress and resentment due to finances, afford to help our children with college and their first car, all of the ballet recitals and soccer games and to pass out a $20 bill every time they go to dinner with their friends.

I could not believe that 2 years after the LA fires attacked the school that they still did not have the funds for a school that they believe is up to par enough to give these kids a good education. I had to remind myself, yes Evelyn, this is not the prom you went to, but in their day and age, how wonderful they got to have it at all thanks to the volunteers and people who showed a care.

I have been on a recent journey lately of some dating and the older I get, the more I put my foot down for the values I find necessary and important. Sure, none of us are promised to live to 99 years old, but life is so precious and cannot be wasted on people who do not want to focus on their growth and being the best they can be for themselves and others. I am grateful for the people in my life who are compassionate and show unconditional love in this world. To the people who I miss so dearly, I wish them so much love, health, and hope for whatever journey they choose for themselves as long as they are content and find moments of joy.

“When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be” - Lao Tzu

“Do you realize how rare it is to find someone who sees the world the same way you do, even if only for a single night?”

-Fyodor Dostoevsky

Keywords: contrarian thinker, real life, no filter, authenticity, philosophy, self development, growth, awareness, mindfulness, inspiration, encouragement, positivity, humans with a pulse, real life, no filter, relationships, online dating

Here are some of my new favorite quotes I recently discovered to help you get through your day. Read 'em and weep! Which one shakes you to your core? Does it change/help your life? Read these very slowly. In your head once, and out loud once. Boom. You are welcome.

You can also commit injustice by doing nothing. -Marcus Aurelius

(...because I ran out of characters on Episode 19…I was clearly passionate about that topic…)

To be happy, you must eliminate two things: the fear of a bad future, and the memory of a bad past. -Seneca

If you are ever tempted to look for outside approval, realize that you have compromised your integrity. If you need a witness, be your own. -Epictetus

I wanted to cry out, to ask her not to go. But what right had I to hold her back when her happiness lay in another's arms? -Fyodor Dostoevsky

It's not a shame if a man learns something from a woman's heart which makes him more gentle and human. -Nizar Qabbani

Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Just walk beside me and be my friend.-Albert Camus

The object of life is not to be on the side of the majority, but to escape finding oneself in the ranks of the insane. -Marcus Aurelius (My personal favorite and I will always spam you with this gem…)

Give me liberty or give me death. -Patrick Henry

Keywords: contrarian thinker, accountability, emotional intelligence, real life, no filter, authenticity, documentary, entanglement, fling, friends with benefits, casual dating, undefined relationship, open-ended romance, undefined companionship, friends, lovers, casual, low effort, not interested, sex education, safety first, protection, hiking, solo hiker, adventure, solitude, isolation, optoutside, journey, destination, socal, mountains, capitalism, america, individual, thinking, contrarian thinker, philosophy, self development, growth, awareness, reflections, reflections of evelyn, meditation, producer evelyn, stream of consciousness, writing, producing, blogs, journaling, mindfulness, yogi, spiritualism, flora, relationships, inspiration, encouragement, positivity, news, journalism, politics, trends, trending, responsibility, accountability, emotional intelligence, maturity, mental health, peace, joy, love, art, humans with a pulse, real life, no filter, authenticity, raw, moving, story telling, eco friendly, economy, subjective, abstract, picture this, documentary, creative, talk therapy, support, guidance, beauty, unknown, canada, russia, uk, poland, united states

Follow the duck & Evelyn on her adventures and journeys @ducklifeproductions

Song links!⁠⁠⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://distrokid.com/hyperfollow/evelynslatershew/songwriting-days⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

Recently, a guy bought two Airtags off me, replaced the batteries, and said, "You just have to unpair them.” Insert spiral.

I told him they were probably paired to a device that had been stolen years ago. Whoever still has that stolen phone controls the tags forever because Apple refuses to help me recover the account tied to them.

Meanwhile, some people spend hundreds every month storing boxes of junk in garages & storage units they never even visit. Stuff collecting dust, rotting away, getting eaten by bugs & rodents. People hoard objects they don’t even cherish while people like me would do anything just to recover memories that actually mattered.

For the buyers sake, I called Apple twice. The first rep felt so helpless & wanted me to be transferred to a senior advisor although admitted, it looks here like you already spoke & nothing was done, but still! So I humored her because let's always have hope, right?

The senior rep admitted that she broke her phone & lost access to her data & that Apple would not help her recover her data even as a senior advisor for Apple.

These corps are so powerful, yet basic humanity disappears the second somebody falls outside “policy”. Unless you want to become June Osborne and start a revolution and watch millions of people lose their lives & migrate elsewhere . They say it’s about security, but if they truly cared, they could innovate solutions instead of trapping people in dead-end systems forever.

People praise billion-dollar growth while customer service gets worse, products become disposable garbage, employees burn out & some just accept it because convenience matters more than humanity now. Oh but look how Amazon was in the red for several years and they never made a single penny. Look how incredible how they turned everything around.

Look how cute Steve Jobs was for caring about the beautiful art & detail in all his projects and what a cute lil genesis . We don’t care that he was a raging asshole and left his corp a mess to be fucked with by the next in line. What a great business model he had. Now you are giving us cancer. You prick. We celebrate business models instead of ethics, integrity, or character.

What hurts is out of my control. My family in older generations would say, Protest! Contact consumer affairs! Your state assembly! Call the BBB! Ya’ll are cute…but sure, I tried that all to humor you.

Instead, years later, I can’t even sell a pair of AirTags without being reminded of everything I lost. And yes, the dude was happy, happy he got his refund. The cherry on top of this sundae was receiving an email after the call saying, "Hi Evelyn, Glad we were able to assist you.” All I’m missing now is some Black Mirror, dystopian music playing in the background with a clown face emoji smiling at me.

I learned recently that if people don’t like themselves, why would they gave one about you. They don’t know how. That is a genuine soft skill they never learned or cared too. Maybe in the grander scheme of life, good & evil cannot exist without each other & there's no scale that evens out.
I stress the fuck out every second of every day striving to be a good human. Some people don't want to put in that work though & I can't blame them. Ehh, maybe a little.

Si, it's frustrating. Si, you're allowed to care. 
I hate to say si, your feelings are valid, of course they are, but it would be nice if they were valid & something could be done about it right?

My Lesson:

"What you love is nothing of your own: it has been given to you for the present... as a fig is given to you or a bunch of grapes at the appointed season of the year." -Epictetus

"Nothing, Lucilius, is ours, except time." -Seneca

"What are you afraid of losing, when nothing in the world actually belongs to you?" -Marcus Aurelius

Say condoms one more time in this episode Evelyn and this will become a drinking game. Ha!

The girls at the front desk kept saying, “You know you can go to free health clinics to find free condoms right?” And I said, "I ain't trying to attract no small penises in my life anymore”. And what am I going to do? Grab the whole container? No one size fits small, for me!

Shout out to my mom and dad who bought me condoms! I was too frugal to get the good kinds. If my childhood tv shows and movies were Sex and the City and James Bond, I think it’s appropriate.

To the man this episode is about: I like how you criticized my work and told me, are you just gonna post about it after attitude, so yes darling, I will. Just for you. It had nothing to do with our schedules, mental health, or living far away from each other and you know it. If the only communication I hear from you is you liking my photos then you cannot convince me of anything other than a surface level connection. You say it’s not a causal mindset, I say it is. I don’t need or want the clicks for validation. The twenty year old me was right. You did not like me enough back then, and you did only have one main intentional mindset and that has not changed. You still make great music and I was singing one of my favorite songs of yours in my car the other day. I do still wish I could attend one of your comedy nights and it’s okay, bash the hell out of me. Maybe you already did. I never got the invite. I learned my love of monsteras from you and how to water them. I remember wearing your green jersey shirt and taking this cute photo of myself in your mirror all those years ago. You were a part of my coming of age journey and you will always have a part of me, obviously. I wish our connection and chemistry wasn’t that vain and sleeping with you did not lead to feelings.

You are all grey now and it’s super adorable. But I am proud of the 34 year old woman that I am now who can proudly and respectfully say no. I do however hope that you can learn to trust women again and love someone very special as you are a special dude to me. Not every person or circumstance is the same so please don’t generalize us all or it will be harder to see the beauty and love and art and connection of someone who wants to care and love for you deeply. I know she hurt you babe and you tried hard and your love was deep for a long time. But now is your time to find someone as wonderful as you are and find what is truly important and valuable to you. I see your soul and your beauty so it’s hard for me when I see you acting out in other ways on the surface when I know you better than that. Take as long as you need to heal. And to the point of your text message, I don’t think that process of healing ever stops, it just changes over time. I’m sending you so much love.

PS I wonder if you still have those recordings we did and the duet of your song. I would adore to hear them. The lyrics you wrote for me to sing from, the hard copy was stolen years ago when my guitar and music lyrics was taken from me but I still can hear it in my head…”you’ve been going on, your own way/road…and I hope you’ll be a better man, someday…” Did I get it partially right? I can hear the chords better than I can remember the lyrics at this moment in time. Best song you have ever written hands down and honestly I don’t know why you don’t play that literally everywhere and it’s stamped on everything you own. It’s magical, enchanting, beautiful, and real. Why you perform but don’t have Apple Music or Spotify so I can selfishly listen to that song on repeat I won’t ever know. Can you please for me after this post? So you can break some more hearts? Besos dude.

Until you reach your goal of a secure and confident attachment style, if that is your goal, you still feel the crushing pain of break-ups, situationships, and the all knowing and famous, “it’s complicated”. It does not matter if you break up with them or them you, it is still agonizing in different ways. Pain is pain. This episode is a special guest episode with my dear friend Joseph who was trying to support me as a friend and give me some dating advice as he has seen me go through the wringer of liking the real “winners”. When I like someone, I see their soul, their potential, their subconscious, their heart, and rarely do I see the reality of the situation or the current state of affairs. I am a firm believer in, you cannot help who you like. But that comes at a cost. Imagine a person loving you so much, in the way they know how to and they reject and hurt you because that is the form of love they have received and have not figured out any other way.

I can judge and criticize myself all day long for attracting broken and or hurt people to me. It is not from a lack of self worth or feeling like I could do better, it is seeing their heart and the beauty of a human being who is looking at you through a lens of horror, terror, abuse, hurt, pain, stress, struggles, and trauma. Despite wanting different things, I was shown the hard way growing up with an avoidant father and an anxious mother. But there comes a point in every person's life where you get to choose how you want to live, think, love, and feel. Where you want to find a love that you did not learn growing up. You believe in a love so beautiful, so healthy, that you go down a rabbit hole of self development in your adult years to find ways to attract people who say and do what they say they are going to do, treat you with respect, honor who you are, and don’t criticize and hurt you on a regular basis.

I only learned recently and it is tragic to bare, but one of the ways to find the people you are hoping to exist, and to love the ones who hurt you, is to say no more to the person and feelings you have for the ones who cannot give you that.

I had to say no to two people this year and when you split up with someone who is on a different journey than you, your feelings have not changed, but your heart and mind fight you tooth and nail because there is something different you need to find with someone else. I used to think make up sex was hot, but it is actually kind of tragic if you think about it.

I wish my gents nothing but the best, I care for them dearly, and it was hard to let go and say no more, but I needed to find someone who was capable of love, wants to love and be loved, communicate, take accountability and have some shred of awareness. It feels like I am being an asshole or doing something wrong, it should not feel like this, but what other choice do we have? Keep living psychopathic, tornado run relationships with passion and flare and drama and turmoil? And you hope one or both of you does not end up dead or in jail? Oye.

I only wish that one day they can work on finding the love they wish to have one day by showing that love and kindness to themselves. That could be getting themselves out of bad situations and believing they are worthy of something wonderful. I want them so badly to find a beautiful love, I so badly want them to allow themselves to be loved AND receive love. I see you as a wonderful father one day. I want you to be happy and thriving. Even if that is not with me. But you need to allow yourself to feel happiness and love. Even you, deserve it. Please stop being the things that hurt you. Learn another way. And to the assholes who hurt the men who hurt me....I am warning you, if it is not this life and it's the next, don’t you ever cross my path and make yourself known, because I don’t want to go to jail for the ways you will burn in hell.