A Healthy Marriage, Part IV: Communication

Remsen Bible Fellowship, 09/22/2024

Introduction

I would venture to guess that the most regular and persistent problem, in the average marriage, is the failure to communicate. If you google top marriage problems, communication is one answer among many. Other issues rising high are money fights, differing expectations (be around inlaws or social media or the organization of the kitchen cabinets), conflicting parenting philosophies, bedroom problems, and there are others. But I think we could walk through each and see that, at some level, these problems come back to poor communication, miscommunication, or no communication at all. 

The Bible has a lot to say about communication and about the tongue. I’m going to sound like a broken record here, and repeat that my comments in this sermon are not exhaustive: they’re introductory. They will also be focused less on positive communication, and more oriented toward conflict: hard conversations, the communication we don’t want to do.

We’ll begin by looking at three passages: Leviticus 19, James 3, and Galatians 5. From each of those passages, I’ll summarize a general communication principle, which we will then consider how to apply, in our pursuit of God-honoring and healthy marriages. 

Texts

Leviticus 19:17-18, “You shall not hate your brother in your heart, but you shall reason frankly with your neighbor, lest you incur sin because of him. You shall not take vengeance or bear a grudge against the sons of your own people, but you shall love your neighbor as yourself: I am the LORD.”

Galatians 5:22-24, “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law. 24 And those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires.”

James 3:2-12, “For we all stumble in many ways. And if anyone does not stumble in what he says, he is a perfect man, able also to bridle his whole body. 3 If we put bits into the mouths of horses so that they obey us, we guide their whole bodies as well. 4 Look at the ships also: though they are so large and are driven by strong winds, they are guided by a very small rudder wherever the will of the pilot directs. 5 So also the tongue is a small member, yet it boasts of great things.

How great a forest is set ablaze by such a small fire! 6 And the tongue is a fire, a world of unrighteousness. The tongue is set among our members, staining the whole body, setting on fire the entire course of life, and set on fire by hell. 7 For every kind of beast and bird, of reptile and sea creature, can be tamed and has been tamed by mankind, 8 but no human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison. 9 With it we bless our Lord and Father, and with it we curse people who are made in the likeness of God. 10 From the same mouth come blessing and cursing. My brothers, these things ought not to be so. 11 Does a spring pour forth from the same opening both fresh and salt water? 12 Can a fig tree, my brothers, bear olives, or a grapevine produce figs? Neither can a salt pond yield fresh water.”

Principles and their application

Frank Honesty

You might think of that text in Leviticus as a strange place to start. But here in the third book of the Bible we find some of the most important communication principles in all of the Bible. Of course, we all know the middle of verse 18, “you shall love your neighbor as yourself.” Jesus calls this the second greatest commandment, one of two on which hangs all the law and the prophets (Matthew 22:40). And that’s a useful place to start when we think about the tongue: your duty is to love our neighbor, in this case your spouse, as you love yourself. But look at the context: in these verses, love is set in contrast with something else. Namely, bitterness, hatred, and vengeance-seeking. Don’t hate; rather, reason frankly. Don’t take vengeance or bear grudges; rather, love. 

The principle here is that we must pursue genuine honesty and frankness in our communication. The Hebrew word which is used for “reason frankly” can also mean to decide or judge or reprove. In fact, the NASB, KJV, and HCSB all translate this phrase with rebuke - you shall certainly rebuke or rebuke directly your neighbor, rather than harboring bitterness. We often think of bitterness as stemming from an unwillingness to forgive, but often it goes deeper than that. We are often unwilling to:

* See that the problem is worth being angry about. 

* Deal with the problem once we see it. 

We fear the emotion of anger. But we shouldn’t be petrified of an emotion, we should instead ask “why?” we’re experiencing it. Many times we are right (or at least reasonable) to be angry. This needs to be assessed frankly, and admitted. And then we must - we are commanded to - address it. You might think the “Christian” thing to do is to just be quiet and not say anything. But here, in the law, God makes clear that if we have something against our neighbor - or our spouse - we must say something. Failure to speak leads to the sin of bitterness. So principle number one in Biblical communication is frank honesty.

Applied

So let’s talk about honesty. I’ll state the obvious first, because I’m afraid for many people it isn’t obvious: you should never lie to your spouse. Not only should you be truthful,  but scrupulously truthful. That is, you must not make room for deceit or hiding or shading the truth. 

Why is this so important? Because love cannot exist in an environment or distrust and mistrust, and trust cannot be built on anything except honesty and integrity. Remember: love is not a mere emotional experience. To express love is to consciously look out for and pursue the good of the other person. To receive love is to see that the other person is so oriented toward you. In this sense, trust is a prerequisite to receiving love. I can act in a loving way toward someone I don’t trust, but I cannot receive love from them apart from some measure of trust. Which means if you are cultivating habits of dishonesty, deceit, or secretiveness, you are destroying any ability to show love to your spouse. 

This also means you shouldn’t be hiding things from your spouse. You shouldn’t be hiding purchases, or conversations with someone of the opposite sex, or the browsing history on your device. If you are hiding something because you are afraid to talk about it, or embarrassed to talk about, then it is likely something your spouse has a right to know.

Of course this does not negate principles of confidence, of keeping other people’s secrets. There may be things others tell you which it is not appropriate for your spouse to know (eg, just because you tell me something about your life doesn’t mean Andie is going to know).  But there is a world of difference between respecting someone else’s privacy, and trying to keep secrets. One can be a mark of honesty and trustworthiness, the other is a recipe for disaster. 

Don’t be deceitful, don’t speak with a forked tongue, and don’t be a slithering, hiding, snake in the grass. If you’re hiding something, it’s because you know it’s wrong. Don’t expect your spouse to trust you, and don’t expect them to accept displays of affection, if you are practicing deceit. In the words of Psalm 34:13, “Keep your tongue from evil, and your lips from speaking deceit.”

But Leviticus shows us that honesty entails more than simply not lying. It also means frankness. That is, you need to cultivate a culture of saying uncomfortable things and having hard conversations in your marriage. Don’t be bitter, speak frankly. When you are gritting your teeth and internally seething because your husband threw his socks on the floor instead of the laundry hamper for the 332nd time in 340 days, you need to stop grinding your teeth, and you need to open your mouth and say something. When you want to punch the wall because your wife ran up the credit card bill again, you shouldn’t actually punch the wall. You should open your mouth and have a conversation. 

These kinds of conversations, talking about frustrations, unmet expectations, differing priorities, and the like - these are the bedrock of understanding one another. Many couples drift apart over the years because they fail to have these conversations with consistency, clarity, and civility. Things simmer under the surface for weeks, months, years, or decades: and then they blow up. It’s too much, and the simmering bitterness becomes all out war. When you start hearing statements like “I don’t even know the person I’m married to anymore” you can bet that it’s because these hard conversations were not had with - let me repeat - consistency, clarity, and civility. 

Self-Controlled

When we turn to Galatians 5, there are a lot of principles we could draw. But what I consider to be the overarching one is this: self-control. We often use our communication as a form of sinful self expression: precisely what Paul calls “the works of the flesh.” That’s not helpful. When you are not in control of yourself, particularly what is exiting your mouths, you are not honoring the Lord. 

Applied

When we seek to apply self-control in communication, there are two directions to take: one is the manner of our speech. This will be addressed in our final principle, and so I’ll let it wait. But the other direction is the aim of our communication. And that aim should be clarity. Which will largely affect that content of our communication. Clarity, not self expression, is the goal of communication in a healthy marriage. Clarity, not winning, is the goal of communication in a healthy marriage.

This is important. You, particularly if you are a woman, may be given to self-expression for the sake of self-expression. But this can lead to a constant chatter which you confuse with real communication. You are “expressing yourself” constantly, but fail to serve your spouse by helping him understand you, your desires, or your needs in any real way. You’re not communicating anything substantial, you're just talking. This is actually quite counter-productive when it comes to hard conversations. You think, like the Pharisees at prayer, that you will be heard for your many words. But you are really just venting. Usually people who start venting stop making sense.

The opposite can also be true; and here the temptation may be stronger for men: your tendency might be to just clam up. Your version of “self-expression” is a vacillation between silence and explosion. This, also, is not helpful. You can’t win so you’re silent. Or you must win so you’re overbearing.

Here’s how I would challenge you on the drive for clarity: worry more about understanding your spouse and their perspective than you worry about being understood by your spouse. You need to communicate, you do want to be understood. Clarity for the sake of love is the goal. And clarity is achieved more easily and readily through questions, listening to the response, and then discussing those responses together than it is through vollying opinions back and forth at one another. But, this is key: you need to ask genuine questions. Not rhetorical questions. Not interrogating to get information. You have two ears and one mouth, try to use them in proportion. “Let every person be quick to listen, slow to speak, slow to become angry” (James 1:19). Remember: you are seeking to understand and be understood, not to vent your spleen. You are seeking clarity in service of unity, not victory. So be calm, be self-controlled, and be interested in the other person. Against such things there is no law.

God-Honoring

The third principle, which we garner from that passage in James three, is that all speech must be ordered toward honoring God. James points out in verse two that stumbling and sinning speech is characteristic of sinful humanity. Your mouth steers your outward life, because your mouth reflects your inward life. This is the point James makes about fresh water not flowing from a salt pond, and figs not coming off of a grapevine. In this he is simply restating the principles of Jesus who said that it is out of the overflow of the heart that the mouth speaks (Luke 6:45).

James tells us that every beast in all of creation has been tamed, but no man can tame the tongue. Yet, by the power of the Holy Spirit, this is precisely what we are called to do. We are commanded to tame our tongues. Consider that God has made mankind in his own image: who are you to use your tongues to “praise” God to then turn and curse someone made in his likeness? Cursing image-bearers is incompatible with praising the God in whose image they are made. So the principle here is that all of our speech must be God-honoring. 

Applied

And here is where Paul’s exhortation for husbands to love their wives, and for wives to respect their husbands, comes back into play. 

When a wife has an issue, a complaint, or a concern she needs to bring to her husband, she needs to show respect in how she brings the issue forward. To jump back into our example of the socks on the floor: screaming, “why can’t you just throw the stupid socks in the basket?!”, or sarcastically asking, “am I your mother? Why do you expect me to pick up your laundry?”, or complaining to your girlfriends, “he’s such a pig, he just leaves his stuff everywhere!” - these are all out of bounds biblically. They display no respect for your husband, his intelligence, or his leadership. And let’s be honest: they don’t work. Treating a man like a child is a sure way to do two things: make him resent you and get him to more consistently act like a child. This is the predicament in which many women find themselves. They don’t calmly address matters in a frank, honest, and self-controlled way - in a respectful way - and things don’t go well.

But here is where Peter’s words in 1 Peter 3 also come back to help us: the wife is to be adorned in a gentle and quiet spirit, after the manner of Sarah - Sarah who would speak to her husband when she had an issue! A gentle and quiet spirit is often taken to mean “she never says ‘boo!’ about anything.” And then, women either try to keep silent about any problems, or they write off obedience to the text as stupid and ignore it. Both are wrong. You must pursue the frank honesty discussed initially, genuinely seeking clarity. But you must do so with an attitude of respect. One way you might address the sock issue with this in mind could sound like this: “Husband, I am trying to honor you by keeping the house in something resembling order. I’d appreciate it if you would honor my efforts by putting your socks in the basket. That would be a practical way for you to show me love.” That’s direct, clear, and respectful. 

Men, on the other hand, need to emphasize loving their wives in their communication, and not being harsh. Men, you must be lovingly considerate: both in proactively addressing the issues you perceive, and in how you respond to your wife’s communication. So when she brings up the sock thing, don’t react with “how long of a day” you’ve had. Don’t start questioning the placement of the hamper, or the state of the house in general. Instead, be quick to listen. Slow to speak. Listen attentively. Seek to understand your wife, and then engage in a civil conversation - in the sock example, simply saying, “yes, dear - I’m sorry for not realizing that was a big deal to you” would be sufficient. Many things will require longer conversations, and you may actually not end up agreeing. But remember, the goal here is first of all to understand your spouse, and secondly to make yourself clear. Clarity for unity. 

This means, both directions, that cruelty is off the table. Disrespect is off the table. Certain things like sarcasm, “always” and “never” statements, may not be absolutely off the table - but they probably won’t be helpful. They’re not clear, and they don’t unify. 

Commitment

Communication in marriage must be constant, clear, and civil. It’s something you have to keep working at. You cannot be a quitter. Men, you are particularly responsible to initiate. Wives, you are particularly responsible to be receptive to his initiation. But the street does move both ways. 

Three quick tips for how to make this doable: 

* Determine to not initially defend yourself when your spouse brings an issue to you. That doesn’t mean you have to agree. It doesn’t mean you never get a chance to defend yourself. But your first posture should be that of listening humbly.

* Determine to frankly initiate, but always with an attitude of appropriate love and respect. Kindness and boldness can and must live together in healthy marital communication.

* Schedule regular times - a date night, a weekly or monthly meeting, or something else - where you can just stay up to date, talking to one another about all of life. This, first of all, is just placing a priority on your time together. Second, it also creates a rhythm where there are natural opportunities to have good conversations, and hard ones when necessary. These times need to be without kids and without friends. It needs to just be the two of you. The more frequently you can do this, the better. 

Conclusion

You must seek understanding in your marriage relationship. This is not the same as constant agreement. The authority structure God created for marriage is helpful. Disagreement doesn’t equal stalemate or stuck if someone is in charge and is accountable for the decisions that are made. So the wife is free to speak her mind, to express her opinion and insights, without the goal of manipulation, and without her husband feeling manipulated or disrespected. He should feel helped by honestly knowing where she’s at. 

But we don’t have to worship agreement. Agreement is a good goal to pursue, but it’s not the only goal or even the most important one. Fundamentally, we are communicating with one another because we are one. We are communicating in order to clearly express and build the love and respect within the marriage relationship. It is possible for us to have unified and healthy marriages even in the midst of personality differences and differences of opinions - which is good because if we couldn’t have healthy marriages with these conditions, we couldn’t have them at all! 

Friends, communication is a precious gift from God. It’s a big piece of what it means to be made in the image of God. As you pursue communication in marriage with your spouse, remember the principles we talked about this morning: pursue frank honesty, self-control, and honoring God. Keep in mind the three C’s: constancy, clarity, and civility. You’re aiming to use communication - this good gift from God - to build up your marriage, that you might glorify God in loving unity.

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A Healthy Marriage, Part III: The Role of the Man

Remsen Bible Fellowship; 09/15/2024

Texts

Ephesians 5:25-33, “Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, 26 that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, 27 so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. 28 In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, 30 because we are members of his body. 31 “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” 32 This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. 33 However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.”

Colossians 3:19, “Husbands, love your wives, and do not be harsh with them.”

1 Peter 3:7, “Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.

Introduction

We turn this morning to the role of the man in marriage. Before we dive in, though, I want us to remember that this is all of grace. The gift of marriage is from the Lord. Specifically, for the man, the gift of a wife is a kindness from God. “He who finds a wife finds a good thing, and obtains favor from the Lord” (Proverbs 18:22). And the grander point of the marriage arrangement is to put on display the glorious love of Christ for the church (Ephesians 5:32). We need to remember that we can’t craft a perfect life or marriage by dint of willpower, or by painting by the numbers. We must daily be engaged in repenting of our sins, trusting in Christ’s sufficient sacrifice in our place, and dependent upon his grace. But by his grace, when we are leaning into his grace, he does give the grace to grow and obey. 

Which means that the Christian marriage can and should grow towards health. So, men, if you are going to have a healthy marriage, how must you understand your role? What duties are implied by such an understanding?

Before we focus on the specific instructions the Lord gave through Peter and Paul, we should take a step back and observe the creational reality of Genesis 1-2 again for a moment. Because whereas the woman was created for the man; the man was created for a mission. That mission was to serve as the priest-king of creation, exercising dominion and spreading the knowledge of the glory of the Lord across the face of the earth (Habakkuk 2:14). However, the Lord saw that man by himself was not good (Genesis 2:18). God did not immediately remedy that situation however. He let the man go about his work for a while, and recognize for himself that there wasn’t a helper fit for him anywhere in creation. Then, God put him to sleep, and when Adam woke up, he found the greatest gift he could imagine: someone like him - this, at last (!), is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; but also quite unlike him - gloriously distinct from him: she shall be called woman, for she was taken out of man. 

Thus we see, as Paul puts it in 1 Corinthians 11:8, man was not made for woman, but woman for man. 

As we discussed last week, the wife’s call in marriage is to submit to her husband’s leadership and direction. But here, men, is an uncomfortable truth beneath her duty: it assumes you are going somewhere. That you have a direction. 

The role of the man, as we see both in the order of creation and the explicit teaching of Ephesians 5, is to lead. To reach back again to 1 Corinthians 11, verse three of that chapter states, “But I want you to understand that the head of every man is Christ, the head of a wife is her husband, and the head of Christ is God.” Back in Ephesians 5:23, “The husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior.” The head is the source, the one giving direction, and the one ultimately accountable for the life of the whole body. Men, is this reality good news or bad news for your wife? 

You are the Head

Men tend to have one of two reactions to the biblical fact of their headship in the home. One is weaseling. Here you’ll find men turning into more passionate feminists than any woman you ever met - “well, we’re equal!” But what he’s concerned about really isn’t her dignity or “rights as a woman.” He’s worried that if he’s the head then he’s responsible. And ever since Adam, men have been shirking responsibility. But men, you can't get out of this responsibility. God will hold you responsible for your family, for your marriage, come judgment day. You might want to say, she’s her own person, and her decisions, choices, and sins aren’t my fault! You’re right, her choices are hers, and if they’re wrong, that’s her fault. It’s also your responsibility. You are the head of home. If you deny this, it doesn’t remove responsibility, it means that you won’t ever learn to live it wisely. But you can’t hide from the role.

The second response is to say, “hey, that sounds great - I get to be the boss!” And then you start acting like J. Jonah Jameson, shouting out orders and demands. But this doesn’t work, either. It ignores the characteristic traits of headship biblically understood. When a man thinks that headship means he is to be the unquestioned ruler, and no one should dare to contradict him, then he’s not a leader acting biblically. He’s a fool. 

Now, he may protest, “look, you just these verses say I’m the head!” Yes, quite so. You have that positional authority by virtue of God’s created order, and the explicit teaching of the word of God. That is clear. But if you are going to exercise that authority in your relationship with your wife, then you are going to have to build toward what we might call functional authority. And that isn’t going to just drop out of the sky or jump off of the page. You’re going to have to, in some meaningful sense, earn that authority relationally. 

I’m going to borrow an analogy at this point from pastor and author Douglas Wilson, who likens the positional authority of headship to having a checkbook. Coming to understand the fact of headship is like finding out that it’s your name in the top left-hand corner. But exercising functional authority is like writing checks from that account.

The mistake many men make is to find out they have this account and start writing checks that bounce. His wife wants nothing to do with his leadership. She won’t agree on how to handle this situation with the kids. She doesn’t want to pray or read the Bible together as a family. She isn’t interested in curbing habits or attitudes that might be hurting the family. The temptation as a husband can be to write a “leadership check”, and demand conformity - “look, here’s the verse that says I’m in charge, listen to me!” But this fails to acknowledge that you, husband, have been dropping the ball, and that your failure has helped create this situation. You’re right to say, “this checkbook has my name on it, I have authority to write this check.” The problem is, you haven’t been making deposits, and so no matter how forcefully you insist that it’s your account, that functionally will not matter. You have to start putting money in the relational bank if you ever hope to spend anything. You’ve got to look at what the Bible says about how to live as the leader of your home.

You see, the primary biblical duty of a Biblical Head of the Home isn’t to find some bossy pants. It’s to love his wife. 

Duty Numero Uno

“Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her” (Ephesians 5:25). “Husbands should love their wives as their own bodies” (Ephesians 5:28). “Husbands, love your wives” (Colossians 3:19). In slightly different wording, Peter has the same message, “husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered” (1 Peter 3:7).

If we’re going to keep rolling with the checkbook and checking account analogy, you make deposits in your relational account by loving your wife in the way the Bible describes. As I said last week, this sermon is a starting point, not fully comprehensive. But I want to give three ways for husbands to love their wives. Men, you must love by leading, by sacrificing, and by knowing. 

Love by Leading

I want to point to one fact that should be obvious from the analogy Paul draws between the husband and wife relationship and the Christ and church relationship: Christ, as the head of the church, leads the church. One way husbands can begin to love their wives is to lead. 

This does not, primarily, mean bossing, making executive and undiscussed decisions, things like that. It certainly doesn’t mean serving yourself, and demanding others to do likewise. Here’s what it does mean: to take initiative. Men, do you take initiative in your home? Do you have a vision for where your family could be in 5, 10, 30 years? Do you have any idea how to get there? You need to start thinking that way.

That means decisions about kids’ education, how money is handled, where you go to church and what activities your family is involved in - these and other areas of life are priorities that you need to be invested in. Lots of men are wrapped up in their own work or hobbies and don’t stop to think about how to shape their family life. Life just happens to them. As men, this is pretty easy to deal with, because (except maybe our paycheck) often no one is counting on us to make family-related things happen. But the person paying for your lackadaisical attitude is your wife; drowning in laundry, kids, activities, and maybe a job of her own. One practical way you can love her is to sit down together and look at life and say: what really matters here? How can we conform our priorities to what really matters to us, to what God says in his word, to where our interests and values lie? Take initiative, lead that conversation. And then help follow through on the actions that need to be taken.

Another subset of leadership, and often neglected (even in Christian homes), is that of spiritual leadership. In too many families the questions of God, religion, spirituality, prayer, the Bible are all in the “mom” department. Praise the Lord for spiritually attuned and interested women! But men, here in Ephesians 5, Paul holds forth the example of Christ, who washes his bride in water with the word, that he might present her blameless to himself, without spot or blemish or any such thing. This doesn’t need to be complicated. It can be as simple as reading a verse to your wife at breakfast and sharing what you learned from it - and having a conversation. Praying together before bed is also a very helpful practice. Andie and I have made it a practice our whole marriage to pray together every night before bed. We are legalistic about this - if I fall asleep on the couch Andie isn’t waking me up to pray lest God be disappointed. But it is a priority. Even if we’re upset with one another or one of us is traveling, we make it a point to close the day by turning to the Lord together. Men, if you want your marriage to be centered on the Lord, then you need to lead your wife before the throne of grace, on a regular basis. 

Love by Sacrificing 

A second way a man can love his wife is through sacrifice. Again, the model put forth by Paul is that of Jesus Christ, who laid down his life for the church. Here we have the beauty of the gospel on full display, as we understand that Jesus literally came to earth for the express purpose of dying for his bride: the Son of Man came not to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many. If you don’t yet trust Jesus as your Savior, I want to pause now and point out: you need this sacrifice to save you. And if you trust in Jesus’ atoning death and victorious resurrection in your place, he will give you new life and the gift of the Spirit, so that you can walk in this new, eternal, life.

Now, I hope any man in this room would be more than glad to lay down his life for any woman, but especially his wife. And I think most of us would. But, most of the time, you don’t have to take a bullet, or send her out on the lifeboat while you stay with the sinking Titanic. What you will be called to do is sacrifice through the way you live. 

I think the most basic way you do this is by making a living, and committing that living to the support of your family. I intend at some point to do a more extended series on work, because I think as Christians we often undervalue the profound value there is in good work well done. There is value in entrepreneurship, wise risk-taking, and being the best employee you can be. Economic activity, engaged in with the right attitude and motives, glorifies God. But at a very basic level, one way to find meaning in your work, even if it seems menial or insignificant, is to realize that God is providing for your family through your labor. That’s an enobling reality. Jesus made provision for our life and salvation at the cross. We should not begrudge our work, we should take pride in where the Lord has placed us, and seek to do our very best. But there will be times when we feel the full weight of the curse and the thorns. In those moments, remembering that we don’t merely work for our own provision and pleasure, but in order to provide for the family he has given, can spur us to continue on. That kind of sacrifice is necessary if we are to provide for those in our care.

And I want to recognize that most of the men in this room get this at an instinctual level - you realize you need to go bring home the proverbial bacon. But I want you to see that it has far more significance than just bacon and eggs. In this, you are given an opportunity to model Christ to your wife. Sacrifice your life for the good of your wife. 

Love by Knowing

Third, you need to love your wife by seeking to understand her. That 1 Peter 3 text literally reads, “according to knowledge.” Men, if I were to poll your wives, and ask, “does your husband really know what makes you tick?”, how many would raise their hands? (this is a hypothetical, ladies: don’t raise your hands!)

Men, we often feel lost here. So let me give you a tool tip - I’m not saying this is infallible, but notice it - ask what your wife is reading. Some will say, “nothing”, and in the modern world that’s a lie. We’re all reading all the time. It may be captions on tiktok and instagram posts, but she’s reading something. Now, think about why she’s reading what she’s reading. Is it the Bible? Ask what part she’s reading, and what the Lord is teaching her in that. And ask yourself if you are leading the way, or if she’s having to carry all the spiritual water in the home. Or is she mainly taking in humorous, short, online content? What is she overwhelmed by and trying to escape? Is it romance novels (or, as Andie refers to them, emotional pornography)? What emotional needs are being unmet, that she is seeking to escape into this fantasy world? I’m not saying this will lead to comfortable thoughts and conversations. But hopefully they should provoke you to try and understand your wife more deeply. Broadly speaking, men want to be respected. Women want to be known. Seek to know your wife.

This can be a place where a tool like Gary Chapman’s 5 love languages comes in handy, or any general personality assessment that you can use to discuss your differing communication styles. And then - here is the key - don’t take that information and then say, “wow, she’s weirder or more messed up than I realized before.” Don’t use it to judge her against yourself. Use the information you’ve gained in order to better show her love. Many women are hurt, thinking their husbands don’t love them. Those same husbands are confused, because they think that they are showing love. But they’re showing it in a way that matters to them. Men, you often fail to communicate your love clearly, and so your wife feels unloved. It doesn’t matter how loving you feel toward your wife if she never receives that communication. So study her in order that you might clearly communicate your love.

You also need to study your wife in order to understand her strengths and weaknesses. You need to understand her strengths for the obvious reason that she is your helpmeet, and any wise leader knows the strengths of his team. If she’s a whiz with numbers and you couldn’t multiply your way out of a paper box, maybe you shouldn’t be balancing the checkbook. Don’t let your pride get in the way of your wife serving you in those areas where she is your better. Know her strengths.

But you also need to know where your wife is weak. This is important, because Peter says you are to honor your wife as the weaker vessel. Our society sees weakness and wants to smash it. But God says we ought to guard the weak. He speaks this way of the church in 1 Corinthians, that we ought to honor weaker members, and here in marriage, we do not despise those ways in which our wife is weaker. 

This is one of those verses that makes people in our society bristle - weaker vessel?! Says who?! Well, physically this is obvious. Men have roughly 50% more lean muscle mass than women, and, depending on exactly where you get your numbers, the average man is stronger than 97-99% of women. So, except in very rare circumstances, you will be stronger - much stronger - than your wife. You need to honor that. Of course, we live in a time when physical strength is less needed day-to-day than it ever has been. But it will still show up in small areas, even if they seem silly: if your wife needs help opening the pickle jar, you shouldn’t sigh and make sarcastic comments. You should glady pop it open.

On a more serious note, this is where it’s important to say that you must never use your physical advantage over your wife to harm her. There is never - I will repeat, never - an excuse for any physical violence toward your wife. I don’t care what she did, I don’t care how angry you are. You are commanded by God to be strong and physically strong for her. Never against her. Of course we can come up with times when restraint might be in order - if she were abusing a child, for instance. By all means use your strength in that moment. But even there, it’s actually the same principle - you use your strength to protect those weaker than yourself. Never to take advantage. 

This crosses from just physical actions, to recognizing physical presence and emotional power in a relationship. Men, not only must you pursue love and always refrain from physical violence, you must be wary with how you use your words. You must not seek to intimidate, demean, put down, or manipulate your wife. Remember Colossians 3:19, “do not be harsh with them.” Many men who would never lay a finger on their wives, are nonetheless quite verbally and emotionally harsh. Men, if this is you, you must stop. This does not mean you are not clear and straightforward. We talked about leadership earlier, and leadership requires hard conversations, frank conversations. You must do and say what’s right, even if there is disagreement and feelings may be hurt. But you must recognize the difference between honesty and harshness. That difference can be in the intention. But it can also lie in unconscious things like tone and setting. The same words said mockingly in public as compared to a gentle and direct way privately can carry a very different message.

Know your wife. And do not be harsh with her.

Conclusion: Treasure

The Bible’s teaching for men is often characterized as do do do, sacrifice sacrifice sacrifice, and it leaves a lot of guys wondering, what’s in it for me? Why must we do so much for our wives and think about them? Isn’t there any place for us looking out for what our needs and interests are? Well, what Paul and Peter both make clear is that to treasure your wife, and value her above yourself, is to honor yourself. Paul, pointing out that we are one flesh in marriage, reminds us of Jesus’ example: he died for his Bride, and he now washes her in water with the word. “28 In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, 30 because we are members of his body.”

Brothers, loving your wife is loving yourself. Doing what is best for your wife is doing what is best for you. One way we must grow as Christians is to stop thinking in purely atomistic and individual terms. You are the covenant head of your family, responsible before God for your household. This begins in your relationship with your wife, and so to cherish her as yourself truly is wisdom.

Peter reminds us what great dignity our wives have in the eyes of God. When he told his readers to dwell with their wives in an understanding way, showing honor to her as the weaker vessel, he said you must do this as a fellow heir in the grace of life. This means she is a daughter of the Almighty King of the universe. How should that affect your treatment of her? 

You might think that language sounds a little extreme, but those are precisely the terms Peter uses: he issues this command, “so that your prayers may not be hindered.” Have you ever wondered if God blocked your cell phone number? Your prayers just seem ineffectual, it’s hard to grow. Stop and evaluate how you are treating your wife. Do you resent her, are you harsh? Or do you seek to honor her, do you view her as God’s greatest gift to you in this earthly life?

Men, we are called to lead in our homes. You are the head of the home. But you must exercise that role in the pattern of the Lord Jesus, who boldly led and spoke the truth - and who humbled himself, taking the form of a servant. Men, we must love and serve our wives. There will be times when we are called to make hard leadership decisions for their sake. And if they are to trust us in those things, we need to have built a life and relationship where such trust makes sense. May God help us.

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit remsenbible.substack.com

A Healthy Marriage, Part II

The Role of the Wife; Remsen Bible Fellowship; 09/08/2024

Texts

Ephesians 5:22-24, 33b, “Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.

…33b and let the wife see that she respects her husband.”

Colossians 3:18, “Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord.”

1 Peter 3:1-6, “Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, 2 when they see your respectful and pure conduct. 3 Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear— 4 but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious. 5 For this is how the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves, by submitting to their own husbands, 6 as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord. And you are her children, if you do good and do not fear anything that is frightening.”

Introduction

Well, here we go. Last week we started our look at the biblical foundations for a healthy marriage. We discussed the central place that roles play in a healthy, biblical understanding of marriage. Men and women are not the same, and this is a feature of God’s good design. We have equal value, dignity, and worth - but there are all kinds of distinctions between us. 

So, why start with the woman’s role? A lot of Christian books on marriage --if they’re brave enough to talk about roles in the New Testament sense-- will start with the role of the man in the marriage, and talk about what the idea of headship means, and what it means to have loving your wife as a primary duty. This is logical in a structural sense. If you have a relationship where one partner is described as “head”, wouldn’t you start with them? There is also a creational logic in starting with the man, as he was created first and given responsibilities by God before Eve was even formed. 

But, while I eagerly and gladly acknowledge the structural and creational logic in play with that reasoning, the actual example of the New Testament is that in each of the three household codes we read - Ephesians 5, Colossians 3, 1 Peter 3 - the inspired author begins his instructions by speaking to the wife. Why is this? I would argue it is because all of our marriages take place this side of Genesis chapter 3. 

In Genesis three, the setting is God’s garden temple. This is a place meant to be guarded and cultivated by the man, with his wife as his helper in fulfilling their mission of worshiping God in that particular place, and then extending the borders of the temple to all of creation, bringing all of the earth under their dominion. It’s into this setting that the snake entered in. He entered into the temple to tempt this couple away from the Lord. And rather than addressing the man, he engaged directly with the woman. He tempts her to question God, and to seek her satisfaction outside of his design.

We know, tragically, that the woman succumbed to that temptation. Her husband stood by passively, and then followed her into sin. And when Adam fell, so did the human race. In the verses that follow, then, we find God addressing first, the snake. Then, next, the woman. It is last that he comes to Adam, the man (same Hebrew word). I believe the New Testament authors follow the same pattern, addressing the wife first, because for a healthy marriage to work she must be on board with obeying God in these matters. 

What the Bible is going to tell us about the wife’s role in marriage strikes many people as offensive, some people consider it dangerous, and I think all women find it, at one level or another, frightening, at least at times. But let me reiterate what I said last week: if God designed us, if God loves us, and if God desires us to enjoy abundant life in him in this life (John 10:10), then we can trust what he has to say. 

This will not be a comprehensive sermon that covers every aspect of the wife’s role, rather it is meant to serve as an introduction, inviting you into studying the Scriptures on these matters, and submit your life to God’s good design. 

Summary of the Texts

The use of the word “submit” in that last sentence was not a mistake. The central responsibility of a wife in a marriage relationship is that of submission to her husband’s leadership and authority. This is pretty shocking to our modern ears, but it’s clearly what all three texts say: Ephesians 5:22, “wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord.” Colossians 3:18, “wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord.” 1 Peter 3:1, “likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands.” 

This submission begins as a posture of the heart, and it is a posture of the heart that speaks to a confidence in the ability of the Lord to provide for all of your needs, in any circumstance. It is ceasing to grasp for control. When God gives the curse in Genesis 3, in speaking to the woman, he says this: “Your desire shall be contrary to your husband, but he shall rule over you” (Genesis 3:16b). That phrase “your desire shall be contrary” is the same phrase as in chapter 4:7, where God tells Cain that sin’s desire is contrary to him. The idea is that, as sin sought to master Cain, the woman will seek to become master of the man. She wants to rule the roost and run the show, but the order of creation is such that she will be largely frustrated in her desire, and to the extent that she succeeds, it will actually make her miserable. 

God created an authority structure in the home, and the husband is the head of that structure. He, not the wife, is the one responsible to God for everything that takes place within the family. This is not to deny our personal responsibility and accountability to God, of course. But God holds the man responsible for everyone under his charge. How difficult does this become for him if his wife is constantly bucking against his authority? 

And yet, that is precisely how many women conduct themselves. They hate the idea of their husband having authority. “He’s too stupid to lead anyone!” she thinks. “How can I submit to his leadership when I practically have to be his mother?” Now, I’m not here to let the man off the hook - we’ll get to him next week. But have you ever considered, ladies, that perhaps, when your husband makes foolish decisions or does things without consulting you where your advice could have been helpful, or when he won’t tell you what’s going on, or he hides in the garage working on projects…maybe he isn’t talking to you or opening up or being present because your attitude, actions, and words toward him have made it such that he’s just miserable around you? Proverbs 21:19 says, “It is better to live in a desert land than with a quarrelsome and fretful woman.” Earlier in the same chapter, Proverbs 21:9, “It is better to live in a corner of the housetop than in a house shared with a quarrelsome wife.”

A wife who wants to argue, a wife who constantly questions her husband's decisions, a wife who cuts down his leadership (whether in public or in private) is, according to God’s word, worse than living with rodents and scorpions, hypothermia or heatstroke. 

Ladies, you have to realize that for your marriage to become a truly healthy marriage, submitting to your husband is necessary. God isn’t hinting or making some take-it-or-leave-it recommendations. If the wife wears the pants, or thinks she should be, that marriage will be a living hell. 

You just had at least one example pop into your mind when I said that. So this emphasis matters. It matters a lot.

Defining Submission

Again, fundamentally, submission recognizes that there is an order of authority at the home, and the man is the head of that authoritative structure. As a wife, you need to recognize your husband’s God-given authority. When Peter writes “likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands”, he is saying that in the context of having discussed Christian submission to political authorities, and of Jesus’ own submission to God the Father. It means honoring the rule of the husband in the home and relationship. The reason for this is not found in the character or wisdom or your deep love for that particular man. The reason is found in the way God designed the world, and designed marriage in particular.

Of course, there is a clear limit set out here: this submission is not to men in general, but to her husband in particular. This is part of how submission to a husband is actually freeing. Many women live in functional submission to what the entire world of men (and women) might think: God says, your focus needs to be narrower than that. You, women, are wired for relationships. And while you absolutely need to have relationships beyond your home, you should be seeking to invest in that relationship with your husband first. 

Now, you hear that and think, “but he doesn’t talk to me about his feelings!”, or, “he doesn’t want to sit and just spend time together the way we used to”, and you say these things because you want your husband to relate to you the way women relate to one another. But you didn’t marry a woman. You married a man. And if you want him to love you and if you want your relationship to grow, then here is priority number one: show him respect. 

I want to draw out two big areas where you should show respect and be submissive to your husbands: this is not exhaustive, remember the phrases from Ephesians 5, “in everything” and “as to the Lord.” That’s pretty extensive language. But these three areas should get your mind moving.

First, submission means honoring his decision making. Let’s take an example: for those with kids in the home, maybe you have a disagreement about how to discipline your children. You don’t agree on when physical discipline is appropriate, or if it’s really fair for a child to lose certain privileges. As the wife and mother, your voice matters in this conversation. You do need to speak. But, you also must recognize that according to Ephesians 6:4, your husband is the one responsible for the discipline and formation of your children. So after you’ve conversed - even if you continue to disagree - it must be his word that goes. And then that standard or appointed consequences need to be carried out even when he is not home, because as his wife, the created helper, your job is to build up the family. If you contradict his decision making either by arguing in front of the children, or failing to enforce a consistent standard, you undermine his authority - not only in your relationship, but in their lives as well. So, if Johnny gets spanked for disobedience of hitting his siblings when dad is home, he should receive the same consequence when dad is at work. You must recognize, ladies, the nature of your one-flesh union: once your husband has made a decision, it is no longer simply his decision. You should be invested in making it work. In Hebrews 13:17, the writer pens these words in reference to church leadership--but they apply in the home as well:

Obey your leaders and submit to them, for they are keeping watch over your souls, as those who will have to give an account. Let them do this with joy and not with groaning, for that would be of no advantage to you.

It is of no advantage to you to make your husband’s life miserable, because he is accountable to God for you and your family. So respect his decision making.

Second, you should submit to your husband’s spiritual authority. The sad fact is that in many marriages, even if both spouses are believers, the woman may seem more spiritually mature than the man. How can she follow someone who is behind her? 

This is where a radical commitment to obedience matters. The command to submit to his authority is not tied to whether or not he is more spiritually mature than you. And the apostle Paul has a specific command which, I think, can be of great help on this matter: 

1 Corinthians 14:34-35, “the women should keep silent in the churches. For they are not permitted to speak, but should be in submission, as the Law also says. If there is anything they desire to learn, let them ask their husbands at home. For it is shameful for a woman to speak in church.” 

Now, to be honest, I’m still working through the extent of “women should keep silent in the churches.” He’s obviously not talking about conversation, and chapter 11 seems to make room for things like public prayer. It clearly includes a prohibition on women preaching and teaching the gathered church, based on what Paul says in 1 Timothy 2. But laying aside, for the moment, the harder to delineate parts, let’s take up the first half of v35: “If there is anything they desire to learn, let them ask their husbands at home.”

Ladies, when you have a spiritual question, to whom do you first turn? Your friends? The pastor? Google? Paul tells the ladies in the Corinthian church: go ask your husband. Some of you will instantly bristle at that. You might contest that this is because you are more mature than him, or more intelligent, or have a better understanding of spiritual things. But Paul didn’t say, go ask him, because he knows the answer. In 1 Corinthians 14, he is laying out instructions for an orderly worship service. And one of the ways order is maintained in the congregation is by households which make up that congregation honoring their individual authority structures. By honoring your husband in this way, bringing your spiritual questions to him, you are doing at least three things. You are:

* Telling him you respect him. Spiritual questions are incredibly important, and seeking to engage his thoughts on these matters honors his wisdom, intelligence, but most importantly, his leadership.

* Providing him an opportunity to grow. Either he will have an answer, and will need to go to the trouble of trying to articulate that in a way that helps you to understand - washing his wife in water with the word (Ephesians 5:26-27) - or he will need to find an answer. In which case, you have been a help-meet to your husband, helping him increase in wisdom and knowledge.

* If you have children, you are training them to honor their father and learn from him by seeking him out for wisdom. This is the pattern of the book of Proverbs, and it is an example of a woman modeling lady wisdom who builds up her house (Proverbs 9:1), rather than lady folly, who tears her house down (Proverbs 14:1). 

Difficulties

Let’s get real, though. There are some difficulties with this, aren’t there? Let’s talk about three of them:

* One: What if he isn’t a believer? How can a Christian woman submit “as to the Lord” to a man who does not know or follow the Lord? That seems a bit perplexing, doesn’t it? Shouldn’t you be preaching the gospel at him? No, says the apostle Peter. 1 Peter 3:1-4, “Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, 2 when they see your respectful and pure conduct. 3 Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear— 4 but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious.”

The wife’s role in marriage to an unbeliever is to keep on loving and respecting him. Show him honor. Don’t nag, even about God stuff. Instead, just keep patiently serving him. Focus more on being the kind of woman he likes to live with, more than being the kind of woman other people like to look at. If he is to be won to the Lord, it may well be through the sermon of self-giving love you offer everyday by being the best wife you can be.

* Two: the second objection would be that it’s scary as all get out to submit to a sinful man. Whether he is a believer or not, and regardless of if he is trying to fulfill his duties as head of the home, your husband will at times be a blockhead, and will daily sin. How do you overcome the fear of having to deal with the consequences of someone else’s sin? Well, first we might give the general truth that you, too, are a great sinner. And he will be held accountable for how he led a sinner like you. So realize the scariness cuts both ways. But second and more importantly, realize you are not alone. The passage from 1 Peter is particularly helpful in this case, verse 5-6 read, “5 For this is how the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves, by submitting to their own husbands, 6 as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord. And you are her children, if you do good and do not fear anything that is frightening.” Submission is an act of faith. Sarah is an interesting example here. She is a woman who is very imperfect in her submission. At the same time, she has a husband, Abraham, who makes some massive blunders: asking her to hide the fact that she’s his wife (twice!), listening to her advice to have a child with her servant, this marriage is very human. And yet, Peter holds her up as an example of faith. Think of the ways she followed her husband: departing their homeland at age 65, in the 25 years that followed she trusts him through some very scary moments (including those harem scenes), and her reward for it all is to experience pregnancy for the first time as an 89 year old woman! And yet, through her faithful obedience, the child of promise was brought into the world. The line of the Messiah continued. She is one of the most important women in the history of the world, because of her submission, yes to her husband; but most of all, to God. Submission to your husband is, most of all, submission to the Lord. Recognizing, as Sarah did, the Lordship of your husband in the home is a way of recognizing the ultimate Lordship of Jesus over heaven and earth.

* Third: What if he’s abusive? Here we have the hardest case. Here is what I want to say loud and clear: the command to submit to authority never changes, but remember that your husband is not the only authority. There is also the authority of the church, and the authority of the state, and the authority of God himself. What this means is that if you are being harmed, being abused, you have a duty to honor those other authorities over you by reporting that abuse. Egregious sin must be brought under church discipline. Crimes should be addressed by the legal authorities. If you have children, you have a responsibility before God to protect them and insure their safety. If you are being physically harmed, you have a duty before God not to continue putting yourself in those situations - the 6th commandment (thou shalt not murder) has traditionally been understood not only as a prohibition on unjustly harming others, but also on foolishly or recklessly putting yourself in positions where your life is in danger. What this means is that when your husband is breaking his marriage vows by harming you, you not only can but should remove yourself from that situation. This may be temporary until repentance occurs and counseling and reconciliation have taken place. Or it may be permanent. I think a pretty compelling argument can be made that abuse - at least physical abuse - falls under the classification of abandonment Paul describes in 1 Corinthians 7:15. Do not let the good gift of godly submission be twisted and used as a tool to hold you under wicked violence. 

A Few Implications For Singles and Parents

Before we conclude I have a brief word of exhortation to single ladies and parents of girls.

All that we’ve covered this morning means that who you marry matters. Now, I don’t buy our society's line that you should wait until you’re older and more mature to get married. I think pushing young men and women to wait until their late twenties or thirties to get married is a horrible idea, on a number of levels, which I plan to touch on later in this series. But while I’m all for marrying young, you must never marry desperately. You need to be brutally honest about the kind of man you are looking at. 

Here this loud and clear: it does not matter how much you love him. You need to love him, but much more important is this: you need to be able to respect him. That can be tough with a young man, because there might not be much there yet. But you’re not looking for accomplished maturity, you’re looking for trajectory. Does he take his work seriously, is he driven to succeed? Does he take the Lord seriously, is he driven to honor God in his life? Does he treat you now with the kind of gentleness and attentiveness that you will need for the next 50 years? Do not think you love him and can therefore change him. Marriage will change a man, but it will bring out both the best and worst, and he better be on a trajectory of growth if you want that change to be good for both of you. You need to marry someone you can see yourself following for the rest of your life. 

Conclusion

I’m not blind to the fact that what the Bible says on this matter is probably more offensive than just about anything else in the book. There is no area of Scripture more likely to be attacked or ignored, both inside and outside of the church. And yet, I think it is pretty clear, as I said last week, that what our society is doing isn’t working. So, even when it’s hard, we should look to Jesus, the husband who laid down his life for his Bride, and ask him to help us walk in obedience to his ways. Friends, trust Jesus - trust him to forgive your sins, trust him to help you understand his word, and trust him to give you the strength needed to obey, even difficult texts of Scripture. Submission to him truly is the path to earthly joy.

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit remsenbible.substack.com

A Healthy Marriage

Selected Scriptures; 09/01/2024; Remsen Bible Fellowship

Introduction

I once was at a wedding where the minister began: “Mawage. Mawage is wot bwings us togeder today. Mawage, that bwessed awangment, that dweam wifin a dweam...” I was not, in fact, on the set of the Princess Bride…but the couple were homeschoolers, so it was pretty much the same thing. But marriage does bring us together for the sermon today, and in the weeks to come. Why a sermon series on marriage? Some of you will say, “well, I could use a whole series on marriage”, or perhaps you’re more apt to say, “my spouse could use a whole sermon series on marriage.” But we also have widows, and unmarrieds, and a lot of people who aren’t even old enough to get married yet--so is this really the best way to spend this time for all of us in the coming month? 

I want to argue that the answer to that question is a resounding yes. There are a pile of reasons for this. Most important, and where this sermon series will ultimately lead us, is this: our faith is deeply shaped by our understanding of marriage. The apostle Paul writes in Ephesians 5:31-32,

31 “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” 32 This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church.

This is to say, grasping God’s design in marriage - the union of one man and one woman to become one new union - has ramifications for our understanding of Christ’s relationship to the church. So there are few subjects more theologically important than a biblical understanding of marriage. 

Culturally speaking, marriage has been under attack for a long time now - at least since the French Revolution in the late 18th century - and Christian norms of chastity, fidelity, and commitment are now largely considered repressive impediments to happiness, rather than the true path toward happiness. We can’t even agree on the definition of marriage anymore, with the Supreme Court imposing same-sex marriage on the nation in 2015 with the Obergefell decision. 

And, practically speaking, this cultural pressure and confusion makes the already difficult task of marriage - committing to live your earthly life in union with another sinner - all the more difficult. You’ve often heard that half of all marriages end in divorce. That number is somewhat misleading. The number for first marriages is closer to 40%, with the rates jumping higher with each subsequent marriage. But 40% is still a LOT. You may also have heard the old preachers’ trope about Christian marriages failing as often as those among unbelievers. This is also misleading, as that data doesn’t control for religious practice. Among those who regularly attend church, rates of divorce drop 30-50% compared to others. So, I’m glad you’re here. One of the best things you can do for your marriage is simply show up to church together on a regular basis. 

But friends, even a fifty percent drop from 40% leaves us at 1 in 5 marriages ending prematurely. That’s too many. Nothing makes Satan happier than ruining marriages. I just said that marriage has culturally been under attack since at least the French Revolution, but in a very real sense marriage has been under attack since the garden of Eden. 

As the church of the Lord Jesus Christ, one of the best ways we can witness to the world is by building healthy marriages. Marriages where we joyfully look out for one another’s interests, not merely our own. Understanding God’s design for marriage is the foundation for our own healthy marriages, and healthy marriages are the building blocks of healthy churches, communities, and societies. Do you see the chaos in the culture and wonder, what can I do? Start at home. You can start to live in your home the way the Lord Jesus models and commands. Let’s read the three main texts people turn to in the NT for help in understanding what God desires from us in marriage.

Texts

Ephesians 5:22-33, “Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.

25 Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, 26 that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, 27 so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. 28 In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, 30 because we are members of his body. 31 “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” 32 This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. 33 However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.

Colossians 3:18-19, “Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. 19 Husbands, love your wives, and do not be harsh with them.”

1 Peter 3:1-7, “Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, 2 when they see your respectful and pure conduct. 3 Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear— 4 but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious. 5 For this is how the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves, by submitting to their own husbands, 6 as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord. And you are her children, if you do good and do not fear anything that is frightening.

7 Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.”

Transition

If we’re going to get started on building healthy marriages, we need to know what Biblical marriage is. I’m going to lay out a few basic assumptions here, which I argued more extensively in our Genesis series - and which I believe lie underneath those texts from the letters of Paul and Peter. I’ll simply lay them out here as what the Bible teaches, and refer you to those previous sermons if you want to hear a more extensive argument for them. We see, from the very institution of marriage in Genesis 1 & 2, that marriage is the union of one man and one woman, intended to be for life. It is the union of two beings who are different - men and women are very different, in case you hadn’t noticed - but there is also a deep sameness: made in the image of God, equal in value and worth in his eyes. 

So far, not too controversial, at least not in a theologically conservative church. However, one of the topics we also covered when we were in Genesis was the idea of authority. God has built into human relationships, including marriage, structures of authority. These authority structures, contrary to what our society says, are not a matter of value distinction, and they do not necessitate “oppressive” power dynamics. They are in one sense, inescapable, because they reflect the structure of reality itself. And insofar as we want lives, homes, churches, communities, and societies to function well, we must live in line with this reality. 

So when we turn to key marriage passages, like what we read in Ephesians 5:23, we find Scripture telling us that the husband is the head of the wife. Not that he should be. He is. He will either do a good job or a poor job in this role. The role is there, it isn’t alterable, it’s the way God made the world. He has given us jobs to do, and happiness is found, not in chasing our passions, but in properly stepping into and fulfilling the roles God has designed us for. We’ll spend time in this series looking at the roles described for husbands and wives. But before we get into discussing the ins and outs of roles themselves, I want to take some time here to think about the importance of roles in pursuing a healthy marriage.

Roles

Talking about roles might seem terribly un-romantic. Isn’t marriage supposed to be about romance, about keeping a fire alive between two hearts, about living with your soulmate? A “bwessed awangment, that dweam wifin a dweam…”. Well, that’s what Disney will tell you. The Bible, though, sings a slightly different tune. But, you may protest, isn’t marriage about love?  I mean, even Paul says in both Ephesians 5 and Colossians 3 that men are to love their wives. But when reading those texts we must be careful about inserting our modern ideas of romantic love into the text, rather than seeking to understand what Paul himself meant when he used that word. 

In the Bible when we read about love, what we find is a description of an attitude that leads to certain decisions and actions. It can be - though it need not always be - accompanied by certain feelings or emotional states. Which is another way of saying, in the Bible, feelings are downstream from love, they are not the definition of love.

Think about romance and warm feelings toward your spouse in this way: they’re like the furnishings and decorations that make your house a really nice place to live. Each home is going to look different, but homes that are well-decorated, thoughtfully adorned, with good furniture are pleasant places to be (even if they aren’t exactly your style). Romance between a couple, when they really enjoy one another, these things make those couples really pleasant to be around. 

But, as wonderful as that furniture and decor can be, it’s not the sort of thing you want to build your house out of. You can put all that decor outside, and create a nice outdoor arrangement with your couch and chairs in the yard, and it might look magazine worthy. So long as the sun is shining. And life is going smoothly. But let a thunderstorm roll through, or even a long season of steady-drizzle, and how are those oil paintings and soft couches going to hold up? Not so well.

That’s what trying to build a marriage on romance is like. It’s not that romance and warm feelings are bad - they’re wonderful, which is part of why it’s plausible to think of them as the whole point - but they are really flimsy building materials. 

If you’re building a house, you need lumber. You need 2x4s and 2x6s. You need trusses and joists. You need the materials to build something with structural integrity that can last through hard times. That’s what an understanding of roles and responsibilities does for a marriage - it provides you with the material to actually build with. Roles, responsibilities, and - to use another terribly out of date word - duties help us know what it is we should be doing, or what our approach to a given situation ought to be. This is part of why the New Testament instructions are role and duty-centric. Let me summarize those three passages we read earlier:

The wife is created to be her husband’s helper. This means she is to submit to her husband's leadership in the home, she is to respect him visibly in the way she speaks to him and relates to him. She is to honor him, and not to nag or seek to subvert his place as the head. She should focus on developing her inward beauty and being a good woman to live with more than her outward beauty and being a good woman to look at.

The husband is the head. He is to love his wife. What’s that supposed to look like - how does love act? He must be considerate and thoughtful of his wife’s needs, lay down his life for hers, read the Bible with her and instruct her from God’s word (that’s the idea of “washing in water with the word”). He must not be harsh, demeaning, or self-serving in the relationship - rather he must treat her as a fellow hei in the grace of life. If he doesn’t do this, won’t listen to his prayers (1 Peter 3:7). 

If that summary of those three passages sounds suffocating, I would suggest to you that it’s because you have internalized, to one degree or another, the culture’s understanding of the issues, rather than the Bible’s. And if you’re tempted to stand with the culture against the Bible, I would just say this: how’s it working? Marriages are often unhappy, and a large number end in divorce. Marriage has become so denigrated in the modern world that many people are reconsidering if it’s worthwhile at all. Maybe it’s better to have many partners throughout life, or to live together - perhaps “married in your heart” - but without any real legal or religious commitment to formalize it. As G.K. Chesterton once quipped, it’s not that Christianity has been tried and found wanting. It, rather, has been found difficult, and left untried. So, too, with the Bible’s teaching on marriage. It may sound hard. But I’m going to challenge you to listen over the coming weeks to what the Word says. I can confidently say, as someone in a marriage where we - imperfectly, but genuinely - seek to apply God’s word to how we conduct ourselves in marriage, that obedience to God’s word is difficult: but not nearly as difficult, in the long run, as those marriages where people are trying to satisfy their selfish or sinful desires. God’s way is hard in a sinful world. But, long term, it’s not nearly as hard as rebelling against God himself.

Some of the best marriage advice we received early on was from a couple (whose marriage is as good as any I know), and they described their goal as to out-serve one another. Well, if we take the Bible as our standard of service and love, and make it our goal to “outdo one another in showing honor” (Romans 12:10), then we will be moving in the direction of marital health. And while picking up our marital duties and following Christ may not sound romantic as chasing happiness, the irony is that happiness is much more likely to live inside of a healthy marriage than in one where immediate happiness is always the goal.

So, here’s the outline for the coming weeks. We’ll spend some time - one week each - on the wife’s role and the husband’s role in the marriage. We’ll spend that time trying to understand how these different construction materials are used to build a marriage. We’ll then spend two weeks looking at two of the main areas where couples need to get better at learning how to understand and serve one another: communication, and sex. And then we’ll conclude the first week of October, Lord willing, by taking a deeper dive into Ephesians 5:31-32 and thinking about the gospel-picture of marriage. There is glory here worth long meditation. But, while it is worth long-meditation, given that it is the goal of this study, I think we also ought to give it some short meditation at the end of this sermon.

Conclusion

Let’s jump back to our analogy: I described romance and warm feelings in marriage as the decorations and the furniture in the house - they’re great, they’re even important. But they are not the house itself. If we try to build on those alone, or trust them to withstand the elements, we’re wishful thinkers at best, and willful fools at worst. Rather, it is duties, roles, and responsibilities of marriage - as prescribed by the scriptures - that make up the actual construction materials of a healthy marriage.

But let’s go down one more layer. Because I can build a very sturdy wooden structure, and if it is placed on the sand, how long will it last? Until the next time the sand shifts. You can have an excellent understanding of duties, roles, and responsibilities; excellent taste in carpet and wall coverings and furniture; and if your house has a bad foundation, it may all sink in and be worthless. You need a solid foundation. And the only sure foundation for a healthy marriage is a shared love of the Lord Jesus Christ. If you get this foundation right, it won’t protect you from life’s storms, it won’t even protect you from making all kinds of mistakes and missteps as you’re building your marriage. But it gives you the solid foundation you need to make weathering those storms and follies possible. When Christ is at the center you can survive just about anything. 

But, again, our goal is more than survival - our goal here is health. And as a healthy home begins with the right foundation, so does the healthy marriage. Don’t get me wrong, I think the roles, the principles, and the priorities we’ll cover will help any marriage; whether both are believers, one is a believer, or neither are believers. But for a marriage to be all it’s meant to be, as a display of the relationship between Jesus and his church, then that marriage must be built by two people who have been transformed by union with Christ. It takes two people who have repented of their sins, received forgiveness from Christ, and are therefore patient with their sinful spouse and willing to extend forgiveness; and who are mutually committed to doing good to and for their spouse, a type of dedication motivated by the Holy Spirit. It’s only in this context that marriage can be all it’s meant to be. 

And so I’ll ask: do you know Christ? Have you received his forgiveness, and trusted him alone for salvation? Do you have hope beyond this world - beyond your marriage - for eternal happiness? If you don’t know him, then turn to Jesus now. We’ll shortly be partaking of communion, where we celebrate what Jesus did for us on the cross - having left heaven’s throne, he came and stood in the place of his rebellious bride, and laid his life down for hers. He bore our sins in his body on the tree. If you repent of your sins and receive that saving - the dying and rising love of the Savior for his bride - then you are united to the church, and her head: our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. If you are so saved, then you have the most important marriage-building block of all: a heart that does not need to seek its own interest, but that can live for the glory of God and the good of your neighbor - and your spouse.

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit remsenbible.substack.com

Remsen Bible Fellowship, 07/16/2024

Mark 12:18 And Sadducees came to him, who say that there is no resurrection. And they asked him a question, saying, 19 “Teacher, Moses wrote for us that if a man’s brother dies and leaves a wife, but leaves no child, the man must take the widow and raise up offspring for his brother. 20 There were seven brothers; the first took a wife, and when he died left no offspring. 21 And the second took her, and died, leaving no offspring. And the third likewise. 22 And the seven left no offspring. Last of all the woman also died. 23 In the resurrection, when they rise again, whose wife will she be? For the seven had her as wife.”

24 Jesus said to them, “Is this not the reason you are wrong, because you know neither the Scriptures nor the power of God? 25 For when they rise from the dead, they neither marry nor are given in marriage, but are like angels in heaven. 26 And as for the dead being raised, have you not read in the book of Moses, in the passage about the bush, how God spoke to him, saying, ‘I am the God of Abraham, and the God of Isaac, and the God of Jacob’? 27 He is not God of the dead, but of the living. You are quite wrong.”

From the third chapter of Mark onward, Jesus was making enemies with the rulers and leaders of the Jewish people. This was due, not to his actions, but to their resentment of what his actions implied. This escalates in chapters 11 & 12 as he clears the temple, and condemns the chief priests, elders, and scribes. When they ask where he received his authority, he told the parable of the tenants against them: he calls them wicked and unfaithful servants. He calls himself the Son of God, the stone rejected by the builders. 

We saw in our text last week that two contrary factions--the Pharisees and Herodians--came to Jesus and tried to skewer him on the horns of a dilemma, asking whether or not they ought to pay taxes to Caesar. Rather than caving to their question or quivering in fear, Jesus says, “sure - give Caesar back the coin with his image on it. And while you’re at it, give to God that which has his image.” In other words, he was calling people--and the Jewish leaders, especially--to offer their whole lives to God. Which was a damning indictment, because they of course would have claimed that they already did so. But they weren’t offering it all to God - they were busy lining their pockets and worshiping their desires. They weren’t devoted wholly to the Lord as he requires. 

In our text today, we meet another segment of the Jewish leadership: the Sadducees. The Sadducees were a priestly class; however, they did not hold to the entire Old Testament as scripture. The only considered the first five books of the Bible to be inspired, the books of Moses: Genesis, Exodus, Leviticus, Numbers, and Deuteronomy.

This meant that the Sadducees didn't believe in a whole bunch of things that are taught in the Old Testament pretty clearly: including the doctrine of the resurrection. This is what made them sad, you see [simple way to remember the Sadducees, not believing in the resurrection made them sad, you see]. This failure to believe in the resurrection of the dead stood in sharp contrast with the Pharisees who did believe in the resurrection. This is a contrast and argument which the apostle Paul would exploit at a later time, in Acts chapter 23. 

While Matthew mentions the Sadducees on numerous occasions in his gospel account, both Luke and Mark mention them only once: in this particular conflict. Like the Pharisees and Herodians whom Jesus has just silenced, the Sadducees believe they have a question which will put Jesus on the spot and expose him or make him look the fool. As we’ve come to expect, the opponents of Jesus come with questions, but they aren’t the genuine questions of someone seeking the truth. They are the disingenuous questions of a brood of vipers.

Let’s re-read verses 18-23,

Mark 12:18, And Sadducees came to him, who say that there is no resurrection. And they asked him a question, saying, 19 “Teacher, Moses wrote for us that if a man’s brother dies and leaves a wife, but leaves no child, the man must take the widow and raise up offspring for his brother. 20 There were seven brothers; the first took a wife, and when he died left no offspring. 21 And the second took her, and died, leaving no offspring. And the third likewise. 22 And the seven left no offspring. Last of all the woman also died. 23 In the resurrection, when they rise again, whose wife will she be? For the seven had her as wife.”

Listen to how Mark himself sets this up: he's giving you clues so that you know how to read this question. They “say there is no resurrection” - and yet they're about to ask a question about the resurrection. Often when reading the Bible you'll get these hints--in the text, no training needed except to pay attention--“here's how to read what’s about to happen.” So when you read your Bible, read carefully and attentively.

The question itself is centered around the practice of levirate marriages and practices codified in the law of Moses. In Deuteronomy 25:5-10 we find the laws concerning this, but we see the practice in scripture even back into Genesis. It was a common practice in the ancient near east, when a man died and he did not have any children, for his brother to take the widow and father a child in the name of his brother. Normally a man’s children would have inherited all that he had: name, possessions, all of it. And so if he died childless, really the only way to keep the family name from being blotted out was for the brother to father a child in his stead. This seems very foreign and strange to us in the 21st century west, but in a world where women relied on their husbands and then sons for protection and provision this had a real functional purpose and utility. In a society where things were not kind to a woman with no heirs and no property, this provided her with both of those things. It was a form of shelter in the case of tragically losing her spouse. 

So the Sadducees take this practice, and they run a hypothetical. And the hypothetical situation is what we read: starting with brother one, and going all the way through brother seven, none of them produce an heir through this woman before they all die (and eventually she does as well). Well, come the resurrection, whose wife is she? Theologians often love hypotheticals, and so do lawyers. Retired Supreme Court Justice Stephen Breyer was famous for his hypothetical questions. And while sometimes hypothetical questions or situations seem silly or extreme, they truly can be useful in getting to the logic underneath a particular principle or rule or law. They can lay bare an argument by taking it to an extreme. This is a common practice in what is called presuppositional apologetics: you take the arguments of your opponent at face value--don't try to argue with their argument--take what they're saying, and then apply it consistently and see if they actually like where it goes.

The Sadducees think they’re doing this - they’re going to take Jesus’ silly belief in the resurrection, run it through the hypothetical grinder of a woman who is apparently more deadly than the angel of death, and see how he likes his doctrine then. But, like Jesus’ previous opponents, they underestimate the wisdom and genius of Jesus. Jesus says, (loosely translating) “Not so fast, wise guys.” 

There are three aspects of Jesus’ response that I want you to notice.

The resurrection is true, trust God with the details.

Look again at verses 24-27,

Mark 12:24, Jesus said to them, “Is this not the reason you are wrong, because you know neither the Scriptures nor the power of God? 25 For when they rise from the dead, they neither marry nor are given in marriage, but are like angels in heaven. 26 And as for the dead being raised, have you not read in the book of Moses, in the passage about the bush, how God spoke to him, saying, ‘I am the God of Abraham, and the God of Isaac, and the God of Jacob’? 27 He is not God of the dead, but of the living. You are quite wrong.”

The first and most obvious aspect of what Jesus says is that the resurrection is real and true. We see this in his statement on verse 27: God is “not God of the dead, but of the living.” And he refers to these men--men who have died--Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob as living. There is a resurrection. The Sadducees are “quite wrong” to doubt life after death. But they don’t understand the power of God, or the Scriptures. They don’t even understand their truncated five book version of the Scriptures! They think this world and its constraints, its definitions, the visible realities of the way things are right now have to define everything out into eternity. They were modern materialists ahead of their time. But as they play the hypothetical game of resurrection, they say, “well in the resurrection (if it's real) there must be marriage, right?” Wrong, says Jesus. 

Jesus’ words here are a stumbling block for some people who love marriage. We love the things that come with marriage--children, companionship, intimate friendship, sex--these are all great gifts of God that are part of a marriage relationship. But Jesus says in the resurrection they're not marrying or giving in marriage. Rather, they are like the angels in heaven. By this he means that our life in eternity will be everlasting, we will not die. And we will have no need for procreation and thus, for no need for sex.

And this will remove the primary function of marriage. In our society we think of marriage first of all in terms of affectionate companionship. But in the Bible, while marriage does have this companionship purpose, it is fundamentally ordered to the fulfillment of humanity’s dominion mandate: “fill the earth and subdue it.” Marriage is ordered toward procreation and the raising of children. This doesn’t mean that’s the only reason for marriage or that childless couples are somehow outside of God’s will (depending upon why they are childless). However, this procreative shape is fundamental to the creational and biblical nature of marriage. True marriage must honor this procreative design in its very shape. This is why anything outside of a one man one woman monogamous union cannot and does not honor God. You need to learn to turn a deaf ear to our culture on this matter, and attune your ear to the word of God, and the plain reality of the world he made.

Marriage has a point. And that point is the having and rearing of children. And in the resurrection this will no longer be relevant. Marriage is something which God designed for this age, in this world. 

In the age to come, in the resurrection, there will be no more marrying or giving in marriage when all who are part of the bride of the Lamb, those who have trusted in Christ for salvation, enter into the eternal state with him. Have you trusted Jesus personally for salvation? Have you recognized your sinful state before God, and repented of your wickedness? Have you trusted in Jesus atoning and sacrificial death in your place? Have you trusted in his power to give you the same bodily resurrection the Father gave him after three days in the grave? If not, friend I would urge you to do so now. Now is the time, today is the day of salvation.

And if you have trusted in Jesus for salvation and life, then this resurrection life, one where will be “like the angels in heaven” is what awaits you.

But, you may ask, what about my relationship with my spouse? Is everything we’re building here as we invest in our relationship just going to burn and be meaningless in the end? I don’t think so. Marriage points to the greatest reality in the universe, the everlasting union of Christ and his bride. Paul tells us this in Ephesians 5, 

Ephesians 5:31 “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” 32 This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. 

If you like the way things are now, it’s because God made marriage very good. Even after the fall, it remains one of his greatest blessings to us on earth. Human marriage is a temporary reality--a gloriously temporary reality--meant to point to an even more glorious union that lasts forever between the Son and his bride, the church.

I’ve often thought of the message the theologian and pastor Jonathan Edwards had for his wife as he lay dying, “Give my kindest love to my dear wife, and tell her that the uncommon union, which has so long subsisted between us, has been of such nature, as I trust is spiritual, and therefore will continue forever.” I think he’s on the right track. 

Earthly marriage is really important. So important that I intend to devote a whole mini-series of sermons to it in September. But that importance is relative in the light of eternity in the presence of God. 

In Jesus’ view, the question wholly missed the point, and assumed the Sadducees had come up with some out-there scenario that God had failed to think of. They didn’t know God’s power. Friends, do you know the power of God? Then, even if you have questions about how all of this eternal life and resurrection stuff works, you can look at what is clearly revealed in the Scriptures and conclude: God is big enough and smart enough to handle the details. 

The question of the Sadducees is irrelevant because it is based on their faulty assumption that the resurrection isn’t a real thing, and so they hadn’t really thought through what it would be like. But their mistake was an avoidable one. 

The Bible is True, Pay Attention to the Details.

The second aspect of Jesus’ response that I want to examine is how Jesus could know--and how he expected the Sadducees should know!--the reality of the resurrection. Jesus believed in the resurrection because the Bible teaches the reality of resurrection life! And he chastises the Sadducees for not knowing it.

How Jesus answers these men is illuminating. He could have gone to a number of texts that seem to make resurrection explicit, like Daniel 12 or Isaiah 26: 

Daniel 12:2, And many of those who sleep in the dust of the earth shall awake, some to everlasting life, and some to shame and everlasting contempt. 

Isaiah 26:19, Your dead shall live; their bodies shall rise.

You who dwell in the dust, awake and sing for joy!

For your dew is a dew of light,

and the earth will give birth to the dead.

However, instead of quoting these sources, which were not accepted by the Sadducees, he plays on their “home turf”, as it were. He quotes Exodus 3:6,

Exodus 3:6, And he said, “I am the God of your father, the God of Abraham, the God of Isaac, and the God of Jacob.” And Moses hid his face, for he was afraid to look at God.

How does Jesus prove the resurrection from this self-identification of the Lord? By the tense of a verb! When God appears to Moses at the burning bush, and Moses is wondering, “what in the world is going on?”, God didn’t say, “I was the God of your father, the God of Abraham, the God of Isaac, and the God of Jacob.” Rather, he said, “I am.” He refers to himself in the present tense, as currently being their God, though Jacob had been dead for nearly 400 years. Implication? Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob have not ceased to exist. They are, in some real sense, among the living. 

This means that death is not the final answer. The Sadducees were wrapped up in a view of the world that only took into account this world. Friends, we need to care about this world. God has given you real obligations, real work, and offers real joy and satisfaction in the world. But if your view of the world is limited to this fleeting life, then you’re just going to be chasing the wind. 

How can you have a right perspective on this life under the sun? By turning to the book. Open up God’s word and pay attention--careful attention!--to what it says. 

Where do you look for help? Where do you turn when you are facing a problem at work, or in your marriage, or in parenting, or in dealing with a difficult family member or neighbor? Do you look for self-help books on Amazon? Do you type your problem into a google search, or on youtube, or in Instagram and tiktok reels?

Friends, we have the inspired word of God at our fingertips. We have answers to our most profound questions and problems right in front of us. But it will require an attention to detail and thoughtful engagement that demands far more than what we usually give. We want 30 second clips of this or that influencer to help us through life. God has given us the word - to read, to meditate upon, and to put into practice. One of my favorite passages is Psalm 1,

Psalm 1:1-3, Blessed is the man 

who walks not in the counsel of the wicked,

nor stands in the way of sinners,

nor sits in the seat of scoffers;

2 but his delight is in the law of the LORD,

and on his law he meditates day and night.

3 He is like a tree

planted by streams of water

that yields its fruit in its season,

and its leaf does not wither. 

In all that he does, he prospers.

Friends, do you look attentively and expectantly to the word of God? Do you chew on the word throughout your day, contemplating how to put his words into practice in your life? Do you rest your hope for the future on airy fairy fleeting feelings, or on the rock solid truth of the word of God? It is inspired, profitable, and life-giving: every last noun, verb, and adjective of it. Jesus could argue for the reality of the resurrection based upon the tense of a verb. If you gave God’s word such meticulous attention, what doubts and questions would be put rest in your heart and mind?

Blind Unbelief is Sure to Err

This brings us to our final point: blind unbelief is sure to err. The Sadducees were not interested in hearing Jesus’ response, they were not interested in receiving the resurrection from the dead that they so desperately needed, They thought they could use their cunning to outmaneuver Jesus and make themselves appear wise. They didn’t believe, and their unbelief was a form of blindness. 

Their confidence in their own power, their own intelligence, and their own positions of authority prevented them from humbly bowing to Jesus and receiving his instruction and his gracious rule in their lives. Are you trusting in something or someone other than Jesus? Do you let other voices, or your circumstances, or your pride crowd out the voice of God as revealed through the Scriptures? 

Blind unbelief is the best way to describe the Sadducees in Mark 12. I take that term--blind unbelief--from the final verse of my favorite poem, “God Moves in a Mysterious Way” by William Cowper. After discussing in the poem how God moves in ways that often defy our expectations and understanding, Cowper makes clear at the end how necessary it is to prioritize trust in God above our own immediate perceptions, which are faulty, at best. 

Blind unbelief is sure to err,

and scan His work in vain;

God is His own interpreter,

and He will make it plain.

May God grant us the eyes--the faith--to look to his word to interpret our circumstances and to answer our questions.

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit remsenbible.substack.com

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit remsenbible.substack.com

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit remsenbible.substack.com

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit remsenbible.substack.com

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit remsenbible.substack.com

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit remsenbible.substack.com