Resilience.  We hear that term a lot, especially in regards to kids in a divorce.  “Oh kids are resilient” we hear, from the parent that sees them 50% of the time, thus making them feel better about the divorce.  We hear it when someone goes through trauma, has cancer or experiences a physical setback – “She’s resilient and will make it through.”

What do you think resilience is?  When you think of it you think essentially that something bad has happened and the person will spring back.  It’s the springing back that defines the resilience, isn’t it?  We imagine that someone’s life, their psyche, their experiences are like a stretchy sheet, or a flexible physical support.  It takes a hit, or bends a bit, and then it springs back.  Sometimes it springs back in direct proportion to how far it was forced to bend.  Someone becomes extremely unhealthy and a cascade of health issues ensue, directly related to a lot of weight gain.  This person then bounces back and becomes almost an expert on nutrition, working out and health in general.  They lose all the unhealthy weight and then put on muscle, build their stamina and even stave off health issues.

Someone goes through a horrible divorce and learns much more than the average person about relationships, themselves and life in general.  They even end up helping those in abusive relationships.  Maybe they create a dating site.

The all sprung back.

System

So why is it a system?  I know, I’m the guy that sees systems in everything.  You’re welcome.  It’s a system for two reasons.

A system instead of a reaction

If someone reacts to a hardship or a setback with a one time, knee-jerk reaction they are just pushing back on discomfort.  They may fix the issue, but in all likelihood they overreact and learn nothing.  This over reaction is suspiciously like springing back, right?  Kind of looks the same – bad thing happens, do something that not only fixes, but snaps back to over do it, yes?  If you just react then you will just see it happen and happen again.  If you regard it as a system, you assess what happened, why it happened, and how to prevent it in the future.  You may even learn something about your part in why it keeps happening.

Compare the two:

Reaction – I keep attracting douchebags.  I guess I have some sort of douchebag sensor eh?  hahaha.  Suffer and repeat.  Oh well.  I guess I’m just destined for that.

System – I seem to attract douchebags.  After looking at it seriously, and considering my part in it, I realized that I really liked their confidence.  The problem was this confidence was really arrogance.  I’ve learned to tell the difference and now I feel I’m still attracted to that same confidence, I just filter out the arrogance and no more douchebags.

Resilience is People!

Everything is connected.  Your mood, your actions, are all connected to those you interact with.  Your coworkers, your family, your significant others, your clients, your vendors and even the people who serve you a beer or over priced coffee all play a part in your mood and actions, and you in theirs.  Therefore, when you are going through a hardship it affects the webwork of people you deal with.  Just like when you have a friend going through a setback you tend to compensate – like the good friend you are – by asking them what’s wrong, distracting them by taking them out for a drink, or just making a call now and then.  Maybe you even watch their kids while they get out finally for a breather.  We sometimes call this a support group.  But calling it that sounds like it’s an option.  It shouldn’t be.  Unfortunately it is, due to choices or circumstances.

You can only be so resilient by yourself.  I learned this the hard way.  Going through a divorce in which my kids were with me full time,...