In this solo episode, I give you a behind-the-scenes look at what went into my new book, Can I Ask A Question?

I reveal the themes and principles that inspired the book, which includes my ASK then SEE method of communicating through conflict.

My book is available for preorder at https://michaelashford.com/caniaskaquestion until Sept. 20, 2023. The book will be publicly available in mid-October.

What is active listening, and how does it make someone a good listener?

These days, the answers to those questions are complicated, mostly because we've lost sight of the goal of listening.

In this solo episode, I tackle how active listening has been warped into something it was never intended to be, and how we can refocus ourselves on the true definition of listening.

Preorder my book, Can I Ask A Question, at https://michaelashford.com/caniaskaquestion.

Check out my speaking and communications coaching at https://michaelashford.com/communicate-well-coaching.

If I were to ask, "Do you know someone addicted to drama?" there's a good chance someone's name and face immediately popped into your mind.

In the immortal words of those epic modern day poets, The Black Eyed Peas: "I think the whole world's addicted to the drama; Only attracted to things that'll bring you trauma."

As it turns out, the Peas weren't too far off.

My guest in this episode is Dr. Scott Lyons a psychologist, a renowned body-based trauma expert, and the author of the book "Addicted to Drama: Healing Dependency on Crisis & Chaos in Yourself and Others"

As you'll hear from Scott, drama addiction is a very real thing far beyond a label you might throw out when you're annoyed by someone's behavior, and like so many other addictions, it is often wildly misunderstood — how it starts, what it's masking, and ultimately, what's needed to overcome and resolve it.

Imagine I'm standing right across from you and I tell you I'm thinking about eating a steak. Psychology tells us that you likely would assume that was true, and that actually, you assume the things most people tell you are true.

But how can you be sure?

In this episode, I speak with Dr. Kurt Gray, a professor of psychology and neuroscience at the University of North Carolina and the Director of the Deepest Beliefs Lab as well as the Center for the Science of Moral Understanding.

I came across Kurt's work when I watched his TEDx Talk, What Am I Thinking, where he illustrates just how hard it is to know what's in another person's mind and in turn, what might be true for them.

It's called the problem with other minds, and it is a major stumbling block when it comes to the things we value, our morals as individuals, and our ability to communicate across disagreements and divides.

Watch Kurt's TEDx Talk: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AQmQMCi5mNc

Check out Kurt's work: https://www.kurtjgray.com/

Follow Kurt on Twitter: https://twitter.com/kurtjgray

Is there anything a person can do that makes them unworthy of our empathy, curiosity, or compassion?

What if they've done something truly heinous?

This episode features my conversation with Robin Steinberg, who spent 35 years as a public defender in New York representing people in court who couldn't afford a lawyer, many of whom had undeniably committed horrific crimes.

In her book, "The Courage of Compassion: A Journey from Judgment to Connection," and in this conversation, Robin makes the case that even in instances where a person has committed a crime, they are still worthy of being treated with dignity. While she acknowledges that even for her, practicing compassion for people who have committed crimes doesn't always come instinctively, getting there is made easier by asking a question that creates a perspective shift — Would you want your entire worth as a person judged by the worst mistake you ever made?

Robin is on a mission to help people maintain their humanity throughout their experience in the United States legal system, which Robin says crushes people before they are ever convicted of a crime, even in instances where the accused is innocent.

I encourage you to listen closely to what Robin is advocating for. She's not asking for excuses…she's asking for curiosity.

There's an unanswered question lingering in the air amongst all the talk that focuses on dialogue and bridging divides and finding common ground.

And that question is: What happens when we have to move beyond conversation and achieving understanding and we actually have to start producing solutions to problems? What do we do then?

It's an important question because dialogue can only get us so far … or so it seems.

To help me answer this question, I invited Mónica Guzmán back onto the show. Mónica is the Senior Fellow for Public Practice at a political depolarization non-profit called Braver Angels, and she first joined me back in episode 81 shortly after the release of her book, "I Never Thought of it That Way."

As it turns out, this question of "what do we do when we actually have to solve problems?" is at the forefront of Mónica's mind as well, and she recognizes just how difficult it can be when competing values are placed on the table. In these scenarios, it's easy to slip into a zero-sum mentality, where for me and my side and my ideas to win, the other side has to experience total defeat.

Mónica and I discuss just how important language matters in these conversations, and how it might be the key to uncovering entirely new ways of looking at and solving problems.

Learn more about Braver Angels at https://braverangels.org/, and connect with Mónica on Twitter at https://twitter.com/moniguzman.

Listen to Mónica's previous appearance on The Follow-Up Question at https://michaelashford.com/episodes/ep-81-monica-guzman-the-perspective-changing-power-of-asking-what-am-i-missing

Understanding yourself better by exploring the makeup of your ideas and beliefs about the way the world works — or perhaps even the way the world should work — is a must if you are to have better, more productive, more actionable conversations when conflict is present.

And often, this soul-searching work creates a psychological safety that allows you to show up more confidently as yourself in all situations so that other people's views don't feel so threatening to you.

My guest this week is Mariama Whyte, a singer and actress who was a part of the Broadway National Tours for The Lion King and The Color Purple. I met Mariama in the months leading up to the TEDxManitouSprings Fluidity Event that was held on Dec. 3, 2022, during which she delivered her talk titled "How to Trust Your Voice and Speak with Confidence Anywhere."

When Mariama finished her talk, I knew I wanted to have her on this podcast. During my conversation with Mariama, she explained what it looks like to do the deep work of figuring out how you best show up in the world and how it fuels her belief that we're here not to just be, but to become.

Watch Mariama's TEDx Talk: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZWRSFWsNW98

Subscribe to my newsletter, The Follow-Up: https://michaelashford.com/newsletter

What shifts in the moment someone tosses aside your unique humanity in favor of a damaging and hurtful stereotype? Where you become a caricature of a certain type of person in someone's mind rather than the nuanced and intricate person standing in front of them?

This week's guest, Tim Wenzel, believes that for so many of us, we're conditioned to be thoughtless in our response to being mislabeled or misunderstood — we buy into the fiction that our response should be more about the clap-back rather than the step-back.

Tim has been there, and he's sharing his experiences and perspectives here in this episode.

Tim is the creator of The Kindness Games, a challenge born out of the recent pandemic intended to counter the disruption, hate, and discontent that has engulfed our world. It's an initiative rooted in following your curiosity rather than your ego, because as Tim details in our conversation, he knows firsthand that tension, conflict, and distrust can be overcome when you choose to respond to the sting of a stereotype with curiosity.

Check out The Kindness Games at https://thekindnessgames.com/ and connect with Tim on LinkedIn at https://www.linkedin.com/in/relevant-perception/.

What is the purpose of conversation?

Well, Fred Dust believes it's change.

Fred is the author of the book Making Conversation, and in this, well, conversation, Fred shares why creating change is an elemental component of the most valuable and creative method we have of communicating with each other.

And here's the trickiest part: the best, most productive, most creative conversations that actually solve problems often require the parties involved being individually open to change while at the same time acknowledging that they're not trying to change anyone else in that moment. It's nuanced and perhaps a bit confusing, I know, but if you're like me, once you hear Fred explain it, you'll come away more optimistic about the possibilities.

Connect with Fred on Twitter at https://twitter.com/f_dust or follow his work at https://www.dustand.co/.

What you hear in this episode is the rawest and most emotional interview I've ever done. And it's not even close.

When I first connected with Racquel Garcia, I was intrigued by her story of starting her organization, HardBeauty, where she and her team help people overcome and survive addiction, depression, homelessness, mental health issues, sexual assault, and domestic violence, among many other traumas.

Racquel is a Certified Addiction Counselor, Interventionist, and Recovery Coach, but she's far more than those titles could ever explain. Racquel's story exposes the deep complexities within every person's story, and yet, her dreams and desires for her own life are the same that so many of us share — that bottomless, all-consuming yearning to find a safe place to call home.

A word of warning, the topics we discuss include murder, drug use, sexual assault, and suicidal ideation, and the language gets a little intense at times.

As you listen to Racquel's story, check in with yourself and ask yourself, "What would I have done?"

Learn more about HardBeauty at https://www.hardbeauty.life/.