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Rewire Your Attachment, Reclaim Your Peace
Your attachment style lays the foundation for how you navigate emotions, cope with challenges, and regulate your nervous system. If you’ve ever wondered why stress sometimes feels overwhelming, why you get stuck in loops of overthinking or self-doubt, or why anxiety feels impossible to control—your attachment style might be playing a bigger role than you realize.
What Are the Attachment Styles?
* Secure attachment
* Anxious attachment
* Avoidant attachment
* Disorganized attachment
Compared to the other styles, secure attachment is linked to greater emotional resilience, lower stress hormone levels, and healthier coping mechanisms. In contrast, research shows that people with insecure attachment styles (anxious, avoidant, or disorganized) are significantly more likely to experience anxiety and depression.
The good news? Attachment patterns aren’t fixed. Even if you didn’t start life with a secure foundation, you can rewire your attachment system to support your emotional well-being.
If you’d like to dive deeper, listen to my latest episode of Mental Health Bites (you can listen right here in substack, on Apple, Spotify, or watch on YouTube), or check out my book The New Rules of Attachment. In this post, we’ll explore how each attachment style affects stress and anxiety—and share practical tools to help you build a more secure sense of self.
How Attachment Styles Form—and Shape Your Response to Stress and Emotion
Attachment styles develop in early childhood, based on how caregivers responded to your needs. These early experiences shape your expectations around safety, connection, and emotional regulation.
When stress or anxiety hits, your attachment style often dictates how you respond:
Secure Attachment
People with secure attachment handle stress with resilience. They trust themselves to manage challenges and feel safe expressing emotions. Secure attachment develops when caregivers are consistently responsive and loving. These individuals grow up knowing their needs will be met and that relationships are safe. As adults, they’re comfortable with both intimacy and independence and navigate emotional ups and downs with steadiness.
Anxious Attachment
Those with anxious attachment often experience stress more intensely. Their nervous system is on high alert, scanning for signs of rejection or abandonment. This style usually forms when caregivers are inconsistent—sometimes responsive, sometimes unavailable. As adults, they may seek constant reassurance, ruminate, and interpret ambiguous situations (like a delayed text) as rejection.
Avoidant Attachment
People with avoidant attachment tend to suppress emotions and stress. Outwardly calm, they may distract themselves with work or other activities instead of processing feelings. This pattern typically forms when caregivers are emotionally distant or dismissive. As adults, they avoid vulnerability, downplay their emotions, and prioritize independence to the point where intimacy feels threatening.
Disorganized Attachment
Those with disorganized attachment often feel a confusing push-pull around relationships—craving closeness but also fearing it. Their stress response can swing between hyperarousal and emotional numbness. This style often develops from trauma or caregivers who were both a source of comfort and fear. In adulthood, these individuals may struggle with trust, experience intense anxiety, and have unpredictable reactions in relationships.
The Secure Self Method: A Practical Tool for Healing Insecure Attachment
Healing an insecure attachment style starts with self-awareness and intentional practice. Here's how:
Step 1: Observe your stress triggers.Depending on your attachment style, try asking:
* Anxious: Am I seeking external reassurance instead of trusting myself?
* Avoidant: Am I shutting down instead of letting someone support me?
* Disorganized: Am I swinging between craving closeness and pushing people away?
Step 2: Use a secure attachment script.Practice a phrase that challenges your old pattern:
* Anxious: “I am worthy even when alone.”
* Avoidant: “I can share my feelings without losing control.”
* Disorganized: “I am allowed to feel safe and connected.”
Step 3: Anchor yourself with calming tools.Choose an activity based on your attachment style:
* Anxious: Journaling, meditation, or positive affirmations.
* Avoidant: Gentle movement (like yoga), small acts of vulnerability (like texting a friend), or listening to music.
* Disorganized: Weighted blankets, connecting with a safe person, or guided self-talk.
Healing your attachment style is a gradual process. Every time you recognize an attachment-driven reaction and respond differently, you're building new, healthier pathways.
A Final Thought
Understanding your attachment style isn’t about labeling yourself—it’s about uncovering the invisible patterns that shape how you think, feel, and relate to others. Attachment styles exist on a spectrum, and most of us express a mix depending on the situation.
You don’t need to be “perfectly secure.” The goal is to build more security into your emotional foundation—step by step.
As you apply tools like the Secure Self Method, you’ll likely notice meaningful shifts: less emotional overwhelm, quicker recovery from stress, stronger relationships, and a more grounded connection with yourself. These changes ripple out to improve every area of your life.
Your past shaped your attachment style—but it doesn’t have to shape your future. With insight, compassion, and daily practice, you can develop the secure foundation you deserve.
If this newsletter was helpful to you, share it with someone who might benefit.
Spotlight on Healing: HealthRIGHT 360 and Prototypes
If you're passionate about breaking cycles of trauma and supporting mental health, I want to highlight an organization doing powerful work.
HealthRIGHT 360 provides medical, dental, substance use, and mental health services for those without insurance. One of their standout programs is Prototypes, founded in 1986 by Vivian Brown and Maryann Fraser to revolutionize treatment for women and children.
Prototypes disrupts the intergenerational cycle of trauma, poverty, and homelessness by providing services to young mothers and their children. Each year, Prototypes serves over 1,300 low-income women and nearly 500 children—offering housing, healthy food, therapy, addiction treatment, vocational training, and more, all at no cost.
Today, Prototypes operates several sites across Southern California, supporting more than 10,000 women, men, and children annually. Their work is a profound reminder that healing attachment—and healing lives—often starts with compassionate community care.
The New Rules of Attachment Paperback!
I’m so excited to share that the New Rules of Attachment Paperback was just released on February 11!
* I’m so excited to share that the New Rules of Attachment Paperback was just released on February 11!
Order The New Rules of Attachment here: https://bit.ly/3MvuvvF
Check out my TEDxReno talk
Visit my website!
Take my Attachment Styles Quiz!
Follow me on LinkedIn
Follow me on Instagram
Follow me on Facebook
Follow me on X
Follow me on TikTok
About me:
Dr. Judy Ho, Ph. D., ABPP, ABPdN is a triple board certified and licensed Clinical and Forensic Neuropsychologist, a tenured Associate Professor at Pepperdine University, television and podcast host, and author of Stop Self-Sabotage. An avid researcher and a two-time recipient of the National Institute of Mental Health Services Research Award, Dr. Judy maintains a private practice where she specializes in comprehensive neuropsychological evaluations and expert witness work. She is often called on by the media as an expert psychologist and is also a sought after public speaker for universities, businesses, and organizations.
Dr. Judy received her bachelor's degrees in Psychology and Business Administration from UC Berkeley, and her masters and doctorate from SDSU/UCSD Joint Doctoral Program in Clinical Psychology. She completed a National Institute of Mental Health sponsored fellowship at UCLA's Semel Institute.
Get full access to The New Rules of Attachment at drjudyho.substack.com/subscribe
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By Get Your Dose of Mental Wellness News and Tips in Just 10 MinutesYour attachment style lays the foundation for how you navigate emotions, cope with challenges, and regulate your nervous system. If you’ve ever wondered why stress sometimes feels overwhelming, why you get stuck in loops of overthinking or self-doubt, or why anxiety feels impossible to control—your attachment style might be playing a bigger role than you realize.
What Are the Attachment Styles?
* Secure attachment
* Anxious attachment
* Avoidant attachment
* Disorganized attachment
Compared to the other styles, secure attachment is linked to greater emotional resilience, lower stress hormone levels, and healthier coping mechanisms. In contrast, research shows that people with insecure attachment styles (anxious, avoidant, or disorganized) are significantly more likely to experience anxiety and depression.
The good news? Attachment patterns aren’t fixed. Even if you didn’t start life with a secure foundation, you can rewire your attachment system to support your emotional well-being.
If you’d like to dive deeper, listen to my latest episode of Mental Health Bites (you can listen right here in substack, on Apple, Spotify, or watch on YouTube), or check out my book The New Rules of Attachment. In this post, we’ll explore how each attachment style affects stress and anxiety—and share practical tools to help you build a more secure sense of self.
How Attachment Styles Form—and Shape Your Response to Stress and Emotion
Attachment styles develop in early childhood, based on how caregivers responded to your needs. These early experiences shape your expectations around safety, connection, and emotional regulation.
When stress or anxiety hits, your attachment style often dictates how you respond:
Secure Attachment
People with secure attachment handle stress with resilience. They trust themselves to manage challenges and feel safe expressing emotions. Secure attachment develops when caregivers are consistently responsive and loving. These individuals grow up knowing their needs will be met and that relationships are safe. As adults, they’re comfortable with both intimacy and independence and navigate emotional ups and downs with steadiness.
Anxious Attachment
Those with anxious attachment often experience stress more intensely. Their nervous system is on high alert, scanning for signs of rejection or abandonment. This style usually forms when caregivers are inconsistent—sometimes responsive, sometimes unavailable. As adults, they may seek constant reassurance, ruminate, and interpret ambiguous situations (like a delayed text) as rejection.
Avoidant Attachment
People with avoidant attachment tend to suppress emotions and stress. Outwardly calm, they may distract themselves with work or other activities instead of processing feelings. This pattern typically forms when caregivers are emotionally distant or dismissive. As adults, they avoid vulnerability, downplay their emotions, and prioritize independence to the point where intimacy feels threatening.
Disorganized Attachment
Those with disorganized attachment often feel a confusing push-pull around relationships—craving closeness but also fearing it. Their stress response can swing between hyperarousal and emotional numbness. This style often develops from trauma or caregivers who were both a source of comfort and fear. In adulthood, these individuals may struggle with trust, experience intense anxiety, and have unpredictable reactions in relationships.
The Secure Self Method: A Practical Tool for Healing Insecure Attachment
Healing an insecure attachment style starts with self-awareness and intentional practice. Here's how:
Step 1: Observe your stress triggers.Depending on your attachment style, try asking:
* Anxious: Am I seeking external reassurance instead of trusting myself?
* Avoidant: Am I shutting down instead of letting someone support me?
* Disorganized: Am I swinging between craving closeness and pushing people away?
Step 2: Use a secure attachment script.Practice a phrase that challenges your old pattern:
* Anxious: “I am worthy even when alone.”
* Avoidant: “I can share my feelings without losing control.”
* Disorganized: “I am allowed to feel safe and connected.”
Step 3: Anchor yourself with calming tools.Choose an activity based on your attachment style:
* Anxious: Journaling, meditation, or positive affirmations.
* Avoidant: Gentle movement (like yoga), small acts of vulnerability (like texting a friend), or listening to music.
* Disorganized: Weighted blankets, connecting with a safe person, or guided self-talk.
Healing your attachment style is a gradual process. Every time you recognize an attachment-driven reaction and respond differently, you're building new, healthier pathways.
A Final Thought
Understanding your attachment style isn’t about labeling yourself—it’s about uncovering the invisible patterns that shape how you think, feel, and relate to others. Attachment styles exist on a spectrum, and most of us express a mix depending on the situation.
You don’t need to be “perfectly secure.” The goal is to build more security into your emotional foundation—step by step.
As you apply tools like the Secure Self Method, you’ll likely notice meaningful shifts: less emotional overwhelm, quicker recovery from stress, stronger relationships, and a more grounded connection with yourself. These changes ripple out to improve every area of your life.
Your past shaped your attachment style—but it doesn’t have to shape your future. With insight, compassion, and daily practice, you can develop the secure foundation you deserve.
If this newsletter was helpful to you, share it with someone who might benefit.
Spotlight on Healing: HealthRIGHT 360 and Prototypes
If you're passionate about breaking cycles of trauma and supporting mental health, I want to highlight an organization doing powerful work.
HealthRIGHT 360 provides medical, dental, substance use, and mental health services for those without insurance. One of their standout programs is Prototypes, founded in 1986 by Vivian Brown and Maryann Fraser to revolutionize treatment for women and children.
Prototypes disrupts the intergenerational cycle of trauma, poverty, and homelessness by providing services to young mothers and their children. Each year, Prototypes serves over 1,300 low-income women and nearly 500 children—offering housing, healthy food, therapy, addiction treatment, vocational training, and more, all at no cost.
Today, Prototypes operates several sites across Southern California, supporting more than 10,000 women, men, and children annually. Their work is a profound reminder that healing attachment—and healing lives—often starts with compassionate community care.
The New Rules of Attachment Paperback!
I’m so excited to share that the New Rules of Attachment Paperback was just released on February 11!
* I’m so excited to share that the New Rules of Attachment Paperback was just released on February 11!
Order The New Rules of Attachment here: https://bit.ly/3MvuvvF
Check out my TEDxReno talk
Visit my website!
Take my Attachment Styles Quiz!
Follow me on LinkedIn
Follow me on Instagram
Follow me on Facebook
Follow me on X
Follow me on TikTok
About me:
Dr. Judy Ho, Ph. D., ABPP, ABPdN is a triple board certified and licensed Clinical and Forensic Neuropsychologist, a tenured Associate Professor at Pepperdine University, television and podcast host, and author of Stop Self-Sabotage. An avid researcher and a two-time recipient of the National Institute of Mental Health Services Research Award, Dr. Judy maintains a private practice where she specializes in comprehensive neuropsychological evaluations and expert witness work. She is often called on by the media as an expert psychologist and is also a sought after public speaker for universities, businesses, and organizations.
Dr. Judy received her bachelor's degrees in Psychology and Business Administration from UC Berkeley, and her masters and doctorate from SDSU/UCSD Joint Doctoral Program in Clinical Psychology. She completed a National Institute of Mental Health sponsored fellowship at UCLA's Semel Institute.
Get full access to The New Rules of Attachment at drjudyho.substack.com/subscribe