Have you felt a friendship slowly fade lately—without any big fight or explanation? You’re not imagining it. The quiet unraveling of friendships is more common than ever, yet we rarely talk about it.

You’ve probably heard of “quiet quitting” in the workplace—when someone disengages without formally leaving their job. Now, we’re seeing a strikingly similar pattern in our personal lives. Friendships that once felt vital are dissolving—silently.

Even high-profile celebrities aren’t immune. Taylor Swift and Karlie Kloss once seemed inseparable, with their friendship regularly featured in headlines. But in recent years, fans noticed a quiet fade. No dramatic falling out. No press statements. Just a slow, mutual drift.

And it’s not just anecdotal. A 2023 global Meta-Gallup survey revealed that nearly one in four people reported feeling very or fairly lonely. That same year, the U.S. Surgeon General declared loneliness a public health epidemic, citing links between chronic isolation and serious health outcomes like heart disease, dementia, and depression.

So what’s really going on? Read on below. And for the full conversation, check out the latest episode of Mental Health Bites Mental Health Bites (you can listen right here in substack, on Apple, Spotify, or watch on YouTube).

Why Are We Quiet Quitting Our Friends?

Here’s what the research—and what I see in clinical work—suggests:

Life TransitionsAs we age, life pulls us in different directions: careers, parenting, caregiving, health challenges. Friendships that once thrived on shared routines—school, neighborhoods, jobs—often don’t survive those shifts.

Burnout and OverwhelmEmotional bandwidth is stretched thin. In a culture that emphasizes self-care and boundaries (which is a good thing), social plans can begin to feel like obligations. Some people retreat simply because they’re exhausted.

Conflict AvoidanceFriendships, like any relationship, can be messy. When misunderstandings or hurt feelings arise, many people choose distance over discomfort. It becomes easier to slowly step back than to talk things through.

Shifting ValuesThe pandemic prompted many of us to reevaluate what—and who—truly matters. As values evolve, some friendships naturally fall out of alignment.

Digital DisconnectionWe have more ways than ever to stay “connected,” yet many people feel lonelier than ever. Social media can give us the illusion of closeness while real emotional connection quietly erodes.

Why It Hurts More Than We Realize

Quiet quitting friendships can feel like self-protection, especially during stressful seasons. But over time, it chips away at the social foundation we all need. Humans are wired for connection—real, mutual, meaningful connection.

When that’s missing, loneliness creeps in. Not all at once, but slowly, until we find ourselves emotionally isolated, even if we’re technically surrounded by people.

Build Your Circle of Small Moments

Here’s the good news: deep friendships aren’t the only kind of connection that protects our well-being.

Research shows that casual, low-pressure relationships—what social psychologists call “weak ties”—are just as important for mental and emotional health. A landmark study in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships found that people who frequently engage with micro-connections—think baristas, neighbors, and friendly coworkers—report higher levels of happiness and belonging, even if they don’t have a large inner circle.

These are the kinds of interactions that make up what I call your Circle of Small Moments—a social safety net that brings warmth, meaning, and a sense of humanity to daily life.

What Does This Look Like?

Your Circle of Small Moments might include people such as:

* The receptionist who remembers your name

* The gym-goer you nod to every morning

* The neighbor you pass while walking the dog

* The coworker you laugh with in passing

* Someone online you exchange kind messages with

Each of these interactions adds a thread to your social fabric. They’re low-effort, low-risk, and surprisingly high-impact.

Your 3-Step Challenge This Week

1. Identify 3 Small Moment PeopleLook around your daily or weekly routine. Who do you engage with, even briefly?

2. Go One Step DeeperTry adding a little warmth or curiosity the next time you interact.“Hi” becomes “How’s your week going?”A nod becomes “I’ve seen you around—do you usually come at this time?”

3. ReflectAt the end of the week, ask yourself: Did these brief moments lift your mood, even a little? Did you feel more connected?

Final Thought

Your closest friendships may be shifting. That’s a natural part of adulthood. But don’t underestimate the power of casual connections. When nurtured intentionally, they can be just as protective and grounding—especially during times of change, grief, or transition.

Even if you’re not ready to reach back out to a longtime friend, you can start right now by noticing and investing in your Circle of Small Moments.

If this made a difference for you, send this to someone you love.

Shoutout Corner: My Sister’s TEDx Talk is a Must-Watch

I have to take a moment to celebrate my sister, Maria Ho, whose TEDx talk just launched—and it’s powerful. Drawing from her extraordinary career as a Hall of Fame poker player, she shares how to make confident, effective decisions when the pressure is high and the information is incomplete (sound familiar?). It’s a talk that’s not just about poker—it’s about life, leadership, and learning to trust yourself in uncertain moments. I couldn’t be prouder.

👉 Watch Maria’s TEDx talk here.

Order The New Rules of Attachment here: https://bit.ly/3MvuvvF

Check out my TEDxReno talk

Visit my website

Take my attachment styles quiz

Follow me on LinkedIn

Follow me on Instagram

Follow me on Facebook

Follow me on TikTok

About me:

Dr. Judy Ho, Ph. D., ABPP, ABPdN is a triple board certified and licensed Clinical and Forensic Neuropsychologist, a tenured Associate Professor at Pepperdine University, television and podcast host, and author of Stop Self-Sabotage. An avid researcher and a two-time recipient of the National Institute of Mental Health Services Research Award, Dr. Judy maintains a private practice where she specializes in comprehensive neuropsychological evaluations and expert witness work. She is often called on by the media as an expert psychologist and is also a sought after public speaker for universities, businesses, and organizations.

Dr. Judy received her bachelor's degrees in Psychology and Business Administration from UC Berkeley, and her masters and doctorate from SDSU/UCSD Joint Doctoral Program in Clinical Psychology. She completed a National Institute of Mental Health sponsored fellowship at UCLA's Semel Institute.

You’re Doing All the Right Things… Right?

You’ve taken responsibility. You’re journaling your gratitude, setting goals, and showing up for your mental health. You’ve crossed your T’s, dotted your I’s, and committed to doing “the work.”

And it feels good, right? Because action equals progress.

Or… does it?

The surprising truth: some of the things we do with the best of intentions — to feel better, stay productive, or support others — can quietly backfire. Without realizing it, we may be making our mental health worse, not better.

“Self-sabotage doesn’t always look like destruction. Sometimes, it looks like over-functioning.”

In this post, we’re going to explore the small, sneaky ways we get in our own way — and what you can do today to stop the cycle.

🎧 Want the full conversation? Check out the latest episode of Mental Health Bites Mental Health Bites (you can listen right here in substack, on Apple, Spotify, or watch on YouTube).

Five Sneaky Habits That Undermine Your Mental Health

Taking action feels right. It gives your brain the satisfaction of “doing something,” which tricks you into thinking you’re making progress. But not all action is helpful. Some habits feel productive — but slowly drain your time, energy, and emotional stability.

1. Doomscrolling

You tell yourself you’re staying informed. But studies show that even a few minutes of doomscrolling can trigger anxiety, increase cortisol, and leave you with a stress response that lingers far beyond the screen.

Your brain can’t tell the difference between real danger and headlines.It just stays on high alert.

2. Overhelping

You want to be a good friend, partner, or parent. But overhelping — especially when it comes at the expense of your own needs — leads to burnout, resentment, and emotional depletion.

We’re praised for being selfless. But without boundaries, generosity becomes self-erasure.

3. Toxic Positivity

Forcing yourself to “look on the bright side” may seem healthy… but suppressing difficult emotions only intensifies them.

“Emotions don’t disappear when ignored — they go underground and fester.”

True mental health comes from allowing your full range of emotions — not silencing them.

4. Reassurance-Seeking

Asking for a second opinion can feel safe. But when you’re constantly checking in with others — “Are you mad at me?”, “Did I do that right?” — you’re outsourcing your self-trust.

This habit feels calming in the moment, but it keeps anxiety looping and makes you more dependent on external validation.

5. Multitasking

Spoiler alert: your brain hates multitasking.

Despite what hustle culture tells us, switching rapidly between tasks increases errors, drains your focus, and impairs emotional regulation. The more scattered your attention, the harder it becomes to feel grounded.

Why We Keep Doing This (Even When It Hurts)

So… why do we engage in these behaviors when they so often make us feel worse?

The answer: your brain is trying to protect you.

We’re wired to seek control and reduce uncertainty. Checking the news, staying busy, and saying yes to everything offer a false sense of control — one that soothes us in the moment, but quietly undermines our well-being.

Social pressure plays a big role too. We’re rewarded for being productive, positive, and selfless. And because our brains crave belonging, we’re willing to sacrifice personal peace to maintain social approval.

“Validation from others feels like safety. But too much of it costs us our authenticity.”

Try This: The Daily Mental Health Check-In

Let’s make this actionable.

Here’s one technique I recommend to start disrupting these habits gently — without judgment:

Every evening, ask yourself:

1. What filled me up today?2. What drained me today?3. What’s one small shift I can make tomorrow to change the balance?

Example:

* Filled me up: Walking my dog, a deep chat with a friend

* Drained me: 45 minutes of doomscrolling, saying yes to a non-urgent work project

* Shift tomorrow: Set a 10-minute news timer, say no to extra tasks after 5 PM

Over time, these check-ins help you gently course correct — before small stressors spiral into bigger problems.

Final Thought

It’s hard to resist the pressure to do more.

But sometimes the most radical thing you can do for your mental health… is pause.

Rest is not laziness. Saying no is not selfish. And letting go of habits that look “productive” but feel depleting? That’s healing.

If this message resonated, send it to someone who needs a mental health tune-up.

Order The New Rules of Attachment here: https://bit.ly/3MvuvvF

Check out my TEDxReno talk

Visit my website

Take my attachment styles quiz

Follow me on LinkedIn

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Follow me on Facebook

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About me:

Dr. Judy Ho, Ph. D., ABPP, ABPdN is a triple board certified and licensed Clinical and Forensic Neuropsychologist, a tenured Associate Professor at Pepperdine University, television and podcast host, and author of Stop Self-Sabotage. An avid researcher and a two-time recipient of the National Institute of Mental Health Services Research Award, Dr. Judy maintains a private practice where she specializes in comprehensive neuropsychological evaluations and expert witness work. She is often called on by the media as an expert psychologist and is also a sought after public speaker for universities, businesses, and organizations.

Dr. Judy received her bachelor's degrees in Psychology and Business Administration from UC Berkeley, and her masters and doctorate from SDSU/UCSD Joint Doctoral Program in Clinical Psychology. She completed a National Institute of Mental Health sponsored fellowship at UCLA's Semel Institute.

You’ve probably seen it floating around on social media:

“I’m in my delulu era.”

“Delulu is the solulu.”

But what does delulu actually mean?

Short for delusional, it’s become a tongue-in-cheek way of describing unwavering—sometimes unrealistic—confidence. Think: visualizing your dream job, relationship, or lifestyle before any of it exists in real life.

And here’s the twist: sometimes, it works.

In this post, we’ll explore what delulu culture is really about, where it can go wrong, and how to transform it into a powerful psychological tool. For a deeper dive, check out the latest episode of Mental Health Bites Mental Health Bites (you can listen right here in substack, on Apple, Spotify, or watch on YouTube).

Why Is “Delulu” So Alluring?

Let’s be honest—life is hard.

We’re in an era of burnout, doomscrolling, and chronic uncertainty. Delulu culture is a form of rebellion against hopelessness. It says:“If I believe I’m that person, I can become that person.”

But here’s the catch: delulu becomes harmful when belief replaces action.When people expect results without effort—or use fantasy to avoid real-life challenges—what starts as optimism becomes emotional escapism.

That said, when used strategically, delulu can function as a self-affirming cognitive hack. It can rewire self-doubt, shift behavior, and build a stronger sense of possibility.

Delulu vs. Visualization: What’s the Difference?

At first glance, delulu and visualization seem similar—they both involve imagining a desired future.

But here’s the key difference:

* Visualization is intentional. It’s paired with action, realism, and ongoing feedback.

* Delulu, as it’s often practiced, isn’t always goal-directed. It can veer into magical thinking or denial.

Still, they share one essential ingredient: they both shift self-perception.And when your self-image evolves, your behavior tends to follow.

The Science Behind Visualization

There’s solid research backing the power of mental imagery.

In a study by Ranganathan et al. (2004), participants who only imagined lifting weights increased their strength by 13.5%—without ever picking up a dumbbell.Another study found that golfers who combined mental practice with physical practice outperformed those who trained physically alone.

Your brain doesn’t always distinguish between imagined success and real experience. That’s why delulu—when rooted in intention—can become a tool for growth.

How to Be Delulu the Healthy Way

If you want to channel this energy constructively, here’s a four-step approach to transform fantasy into progress:

1. Create a “Delulu Vision Statement”

Craft a bold, emotionally resonant mantra that captures your dream identity.Example: “I’m an Emmy-winning speaker who inspires millions to heal.”Let it stretch your self-image. It should feel slightly out of reach—and deeply exciting.

2. Anchor It in Action

For every vision, tie it to one small, repeatable behavior.Want to be a bestselling author? Write 20 minutes a day.Want a new job? Update your resume and network weekly.Delusion without discipline is just denial.

3. Run a Weekly Reality Check

Every Sunday, journal your reflections:

* What’s working?

* What setbacks showed up?

* Am I still moving in integrity with my vision?This builds metacognition—your brain’s ability to self-monitor and adjust.

4. Use the “What If It Works?” Frame

When fear or self-doubt creeps in, interrupt it with this question:“But what if it works?”

It’s deceptively simple—and psychologically powerful. Your brain is wired to anticipate. This question shifts your mindset from fear to possibility and reduces the tendency toward self-sabotage.

Final Thought

Being delulu isn’t about ignoring reality.It’s about believing in a future version of yourself before it fully exists—and taking aligned, consistent action to meet it.

Dream boldly. Move wisely.And when doubt sets in, return to the question that started it all:What if it works?

If this message resonated, send it to someone who needs a shot of confidence today.

Order The New Rules of Attachment here: https://bit.ly/3MvuvvF

Check out my TEDxReno talk

Visit my website!

Take my Attachment Styles Quiz!

Follow me on LinkedIn

Follow me on Instagram

Follow me on Facebook

Follow me on TikTok

About me:

Dr. Judy Ho, Ph. D., ABPP, ABPdN is a triple board certified and licensed Clinical and Forensic Neuropsychologist, a tenured Associate Professor at Pepperdine University, television and podcast host, and author of Stop Self-Sabotage. An avid researcher and a two-time recipient of the National Institute of Mental Health Services Research Award, Dr. Judy maintains a private practice where she specializes in comprehensive neuropsychological evaluations and expert witness work. She is often called on by the media as an expert psychologist and is also a sought after public speaker for universities, businesses, and organizations.

Dr. Judy received her bachelor's degrees in Psychology and Business Administration from UC Berkeley, and her masters and doctorate from SDSU/UCSD Joint Doctoral Program in Clinical Psychology. She completed a National Institute of Mental Health sponsored fellowship at UCLA's Semel Institute.

You’ve seen it all over TikTok and Instagram—the morning routines that start with tongue scraping, lemon water, and journaling before sunrise.

The weekly somatic workshops, shadow work prompts, crystal grids, and color-coded “gentle productivity” schedules.

It’s aspirational. It’s aesthetic. It’s you in your so-called Healing Era.

But for many, it’s becoming overwhelming.

Healing isn’t just about personal growth anymore—it’s a brand. And instead of feeling more peaceful, a lot of people are finding themselves more anxious, exhausted, and frustrated.

That’s a huge shift from what self-help was originally meant to do.

The good news? There’s a way to reset.

In this post—and in the latest episode of Mental Health Bites (you can listen right here in substack, on Apple, Spotify, or watch on YouTube), we explore when self-help starts to backfire and, more importantly, how to get back to balance.

The Optimization Paradox: Why the Pursuit of Healing Can Burn You Out

Self-help is supposed to do exactly that: help.

All of the affirmations, boundary-setting, and time reclaiming are meant to heal and support your well-being.

But here’s the paradox: when healing itself becomes a source of pressure, it reinforces a dangerous, subtle belief:

That you are never quite good enough as you are.

Ironically, the same people working hard to calm their nervous systems are now stressing them out in the name of healing.

Instead of just living your life, you may find yourself auditing it—constantly analyzing your reactions, rewriting limiting beliefs, regulating your inner child, and tracking your HRV on your smart ring. It’s a lot.

This kind of pressure can quietly flip your self-help journey on its head—turning a source of healing into a new source of anxiety and burnout.

Psychologists have even coined a name for it: self-help fatigue—a pattern showing up more and more often, especially among high-achieving women and wellness-focused communities.

The key? Recognizing when you've crossed the line—and reclaiming balance before burnout takes over.

Reclaim Balance with the “Sustainable Self-Work Reset”

Instead of overwhelming yourself with every new trending practice, try this simple 3-step mental wellness audit. It’s backed by cognitive-behavioral principles and helps you sort out what’s truly serving you from what just looks good from the outside.

1. Track Your Healing Activities

Keep a short log—this can be in your Notes app, planner, or journal.Each time you do something in the name of self-care (like a quick meditation, stretching, or a walk), jot it down.

2. Reflect with 3 Simple Questions

At the end of the day, review your list and ask yourself:

* Which of these activities genuinely made me feel calmer, more present, or energized?

* Which ones felt like a “should,” or left me more stressed, guilty, or self-critical?

* Which moments brought me real joy—even if they weren’t traditionally considered “healing”?

You might be surprised: unstructured downtime, laughter, or play often soothes the nervous system more than any structured healing technique.

3. Edit Your Healing Routine

Here’s the most powerful step: give yourself permission to unsubscribe from one practice that’s stressing you out—even if it’s something “good” on paper. You can always return to it later if it feels right.

Swap it out for something restorative, not performative. For example:

* A quiet walk—without tracking your steps.

* Watching your favorite guilty pleasure show—with zero guilt.

* Sitting in the sun, doing nothing at all.

Let your nervous system feel safe without effort.Let your inner child play instead of journal.Let rest be enough.

In the end, sustainable healing isn’t about constantly doing more. It’s about knowing when you can finally let go—and still be whole.

If this message resonated, send it to someone who needs to reset their self-care routine.

Order The New Rules of Attachment here: https://bit.ly/3MvuvvF

Check out my TEDxReno talk

Visit my website!

Take my Attachment Styles Quiz!

Follow me on LinkedIn

Follow me on Instagram

Follow me on Facebook

Follow me on TikTok

About me:

Dr. Judy Ho, Ph. D., ABPP, ABPdN is a triple board certified and licensed Clinical and Forensic Neuropsychologist, a tenured Associate Professor at Pepperdine University, television and podcast host, and author of Stop Self-Sabotage. An avid researcher and a two-time recipient of the National Institute of Mental Health Services Research Award, Dr. Judy maintains a private practice where she specializes in comprehensive neuropsychological evaluations and expert witness work. She is often called on by the media as an expert psychologist and is also a sought after public speaker for universities, businesses, and organizations.

Dr. Judy received her bachelor's degrees in Psychology and Business Administration from UC Berkeley, and her masters and doctorate from SDSU/UCSD Joint Doctoral Program in Clinical Psychology. She completed a National Institute of Mental Health sponsored fellowship at UCLA's Semel Institute.

We all want connection—but sometimes, what feels like love at first can actually be something much more harmful under the surface.

Whether you’re dating, in a long-term partnership, or navigating friendships or work relationships, knowing these red flags can help protect your peace, self-esteem, and emotional well-being.

In this post—and in the latest episode of Mental Health Bites (you can listen right here in substack, on Apple, Spotify, or watch on YouTube), we explore a topic many have asked for: the Top 10 Toxic Red Flags in relationships.

Toxic relationships don’t always start that way. In fact, many begin with fireworks: intensity, charm, even a sense of “destiny.” While you might have seen friends swept up in situations like this, it can happen to anyone.

Take the whirlwind romance between Amber Heard and Johnny Depp—it started with public displays of affection and grand gestures but devolved into disturbing allegations and painful courtroom drama. Or the very public split between Ariana Grande and Pete Davidson, which began with an engagement just weeks in and quickly unraveled amid rumors and scrutiny.

These high-speed love stories show that when things move from zero to forever in a matter of days, it’s worth slowing down. Both the research and real-life stories show that fast-burn relationships can turn into emotional minefields.

So, let’s break down the Top 10 Toxic Red Flags to watch out for—whether you’re just getting to know someone or already deep in a connection:

1. Love Bombing

It feels like a fairytale—intense affection, over-the-top gestures, and endless praise. But when someone comes on too strong, too fast, it’s often not about love—it’s about control. The goal? To hook you emotionally before you can think critically.

2. Gaslighting

You share hurt feelings and hear, “You’re too sensitive,” or, “That never happened.” Over time, you begin doubting your own memory, feelings, even reality. Gaslighting is emotional manipulation—not a misunderstanding.

3. Jealousy Disguised as Love

They say things like, “I’m just protective” or “I care too much.” But really, they’re monitoring your movements, questioning your relationships, and guilting you for having independence. That’s not care—it’s control.

4. Isolation

You stop seeing friends. Your family relationships fade. Sometimes it's explicit—"I don’t like them." Other times, it's more subtle: sighs, guilt trips, or passive-aggressive comments. Isolation is how toxic people become the only voice you hear.

5. Blame-Shifting

Every problem becomes your fault. They cheat? You drove them to it. They explode? You triggered them. This dynamic keeps you apologizing, while they never take responsibility.

6. Walking on Eggshells

You hesitate before speaking. You rehearse texts. You worry about their reaction. When your nervous system is constantly in fight-or-flight mode around someone you love—that’s not a healthy attachment, it’s a trauma bond.

7. Constant Criticism

It may be framed as jokes or “just trying to help,” but if they routinely insult your looks, intelligence, or goals, it’s not constructive—it’s control. This slowly chips away at your confidence and increases dependency.

8. Controlling Behavior

They tell you what to wear, how to spend your money, who you can see or follow online. Sometimes it’s wrapped in “concern,” but the result is the same: your autonomy disappears.

9. Boundary Violations

You say no—they push. You set a limit—they laugh, guilt you, or ignore it. When someone repeatedly crosses your boundaries, believe what they’re showing you.

10. Hot-and-Cold Cycles

They hurt you, then love bomb you again. You find yourself chasing the highs and blaming yourself for the lows. This emotional rollercoaster is addictive—and incredibly damaging.

So… What Can You Do When You Notice Red Flags?

Try the Three Rs framework:

Recognize

Name the red flag in your mind. “That felt like gaslighting” or “That seemed controlling.”

Reflect

Ask yourself:

* Is this a one-time behavior or a pattern?

* Is this person open to feedback and growth?

* How does this dynamic make me feel over time?

Respond

You don’t have to confront them right away. Start by protecting your peace: set clear boundaries, limit contact, or get feedback from someone you trust.

You can also journal red flag moments to better track patterns over time.

Write down exactly what happened, how it made you feel, and what you noticed in your body—tight chest, stomach drop, racing thoughts, or numbness. These physical and emotional reactions are important data points. They help you move beyond rationalization (“maybe I overreacted”) and into clarity (“this happens every time I express a need”).

Over time, your journal becomes a map—showing patterns you might otherwise overlook, like recurring boundary violations, manipulative communication, or a growing sense of fear or confusion.

Not a big writer? Even short entries like “I felt small today after our conversation” or “he dismissed my feelings again” can go a long way in helping you see the bigger picture.

And if you’re working with a therapist, these notes become powerful tools for discussion. Therapy offers a safe, nonjudgmental space to unpack what’s happening and ask the harder questions: Am I in a relationship that supports my growth? Or one that chips away at it?

You deserve to feel emotionally safe, seen, and respected. Journaling helps you remember your truth—even when someone else is trying to rewrite it.

Final Reminder

You deserve relationships that nourish, not drain you.If this message resonated, send it to someone who needs to hear:Red flags aren’t just drama—they’re data.

Order The New Rules of Attachment here: https://bit.ly/3MvuvvF

Check out my TEDxReno talk

Visit my website!

Take my Attachment Styles Quiz!

Follow me on LinkedIn

Follow me on Instagram

Follow me on Facebook

Follow me on X

Follow me on TikTok

About me:

Dr. Judy Ho, Ph. D., ABPP, ABPdN is a triple board certified and licensed Clinical and Forensic Neuropsychologist, a tenured Associate Professor at Pepperdine University, television and podcast host, and author of Stop Self-Sabotage. An avid researcher and a two-time recipient of the National Institute of Mental Health Services Research Award, Dr. Judy maintains a private practice where she specializes in comprehensive neuropsychological evaluations and expert witness work. She is often called on by the media as an expert psychologist and is also a sought after public speaker for universities, businesses, and organizations.

Dr. Judy received her bachelor's degrees in Psychology and Business Administration from UC Berkeley, and her masters and doctorate from SDSU/UCSD Joint Doctoral Program in Clinical Psychology. She completed a National Institute of Mental Health sponsored fellowship at UCLA's Semel Institute.

You’ve likely heard that exercise is one of the best natural remedies for stress and anxiety—and, when done in moderation, it absolutely is. Countless studies show that regular physical activity helps regulate mood, increase resilience, and boost mental health.

But what if your gym routine is actually fueling your stress rather than alleviating it?

A 2019 study in The Lancet Psychiatry examined data from 1.2 million people and found that while moderate exercise improved mental health, those who exercised too frequently or intensely actually reported worse mental health outcomes, including higher levels of stress, anxiety, and mood instability.

In other words, high-intensity workouts, excessive cardio, or overtraining without adequate rest could be keeping your body in a constant state of "fight-or-flight." Instead of feeling calmer, you might feel jittery, restless, or exhausted—especially if you already struggle with anxiety, high stress, or nervous system dysregulation.

That’s… not ideal. But the good news is, there are ways to work around it.

For a deeper dive, check out the latest episode of Mental Health Bites (you can listen right here in substack, on Apple, Spotify, or watch on YouTube). For now, let’s explore why some people feel more anxious, restless, or even irritable after workouts, rather than relaxed.

Exercise Is a Type of Stress (Which Can Be Both Good and Bad)

At its core, exercise is a form of controlled stress. When you work out, your sympathetic nervous system kicks into gear, activating the fight-or-flight response. This is natural, and even beneficial, in moderation, as it builds resilience, increases dopamine and serotonin, and enhances cardiovascular health.

But here’s the key: Your body doesn’t distinguish between different types of stress.

* Work stress? Same nervous system activation.

* Cramming for an exam? Same activation.

* Not getting enough sleep? Same activation.

* Pushing through an intense workout after a long, exhausting day? You guessed it—same activation.

Your nervous system doesn’t care whether the stressor is "good" or "bad"—it just registers it as stress.

The "More is Better" Fitness Myth

Fitness culture and social media often push the "no excuses" mentality, urging us with phrases like:

* "Feeling anxious? Sweat it out!"

* "Push harder, no matter what."

* "More cardio = more mental clarity."

But here’s the truth: This one-size-fits-all approach doesn’t work for everyone—especially for those with an overactive nervous system.

A 2022 study in Frontiers in Psychiatry examined anxiety sufferers and found that high-intensity workouts, when done without proper rest, led to higher cortisol levels and nervous system dysregulation. Instead of feeling relaxed after exercise, their stress response stayed activated for hours—even days.

Even professional athletes like NBA star Kevin Love and Olympic gymnast Simone Biles have spoken about how overtraining negatively impacted their mental health. Former NFL quarterback Tom Brady didn’t achieve longevity by pushing too hard; instead, he focused on strategic recovery and mental resilience training.

So, What Should You Do Instead?

A Practical Tip: “What Does My Body Need Today?”

Instead of buying into the "more is better" fitness mindset, try shifting your focus. Ask yourself: What does my body need today?

Here’s a simple framework to help you listen to your body and adapt your workouts:

* The Morning ScanBefore working out, take 60 seconds to check in with your body. Are you feeling calm and rested? If so, you can handle moderate or high-intensity exercise. If you're feeling anxious, jittery, or sleep-deprived, opt for lower-impact movements like yoga, walking, or mobility exercises instead.

* The 80% RuleStop before reaching total exhaustion. Exercise should leave you feeling recharged, not drained. Aim for about 7-8 out of 10 effort. This way, you finish your workout with energy left in the tank.

* Balance Highs and LowsIf you engage in high-intensity workouts, balance them with parasympathetic-friendly activities—things like breathwork, stretching, or light strength training. This helps prevent nervous system overload.

* Track Your Heart Rate Variability (HRV)HRV is an excellent measure of how well your nervous system is recovering. If you use devices like the Oura Ring, Whoop, or Apple Watch, track your HRV. A low HRV means it’s time for a gentler workout. A high HRV means you're ready to push harder.

Remember, Exercise Should Be a Tool for Mental Clarity, Not Another Source of Stress. Listen to your body, adjust your workouts to match your energy levels, and remember that recovery is just as important as training.

I will admit, I fall prey to this sometimes, too! I use cardio exercise as a way to cope with stress, but there are times, when it feels like I’m more stressed out by working out (or trying to squeeze my workout into a very busy day). I’m learning to check in with my body and mind, value recovery days, and lean into other stress management tools on those days. On these days, I tell myself, “I’m listening to my body and giving it what it needs.”

If you have a workout buddy or a friend who’s also into fitness, share this framework with them. You might just help them get more out of their workouts—and feel more at ease in the process.

If you found this newsletter helpful, share it with someone who might enjoy it.

Order The New Rules of Attachment here: https://bit.ly/3MvuvvF

Check out my TEDxReno talk

Visit my website!

Take my Attachment Styles Quiz!

Follow me on LinkedIn

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About me:

Dr. Judy Ho, Ph. D., ABPP, ABPdN is a triple board certified and licensed Clinical and Forensic Neuropsychologist, a tenured Associate Professor at Pepperdine University, television and podcast host, and author of Stop Self-Sabotage. An avid researcher and a two-time recipient of the National Institute of Mental Health Services Research Award, Dr. Judy maintains a private practice where she specializes in comprehensive neuropsychological evaluations and expert witness work. She is often called on by the media as an expert psychologist and is also a sought after public speaker for universities, businesses, and organizations.

Dr. Judy received her bachelor's degrees in Psychology and Business Administration from UC Berkeley, and her masters and doctorate from SDSU/UCSD Joint Doctoral Program in Clinical Psychology. She completed a National Institute of Mental Health sponsored fellowship at UCLA's Semel Institute.

We’ve seen the term “main character energy” all over social media. It’s the idea of stepping into your life with boldness, treating your daily existence like a cinematic masterpiece, and romanticizing even the smallest moments. The concept encourages people to walk into a room like they own it, wear what makes them feel amazing, and approach life with a strong sense of self-worth.

At first glance, that sounds like a great thing. But let’s pause and consider an alternative. What if main character energy isn’t always about authentic confidence?What if, for some, it’s actually a defense mechanism—a sign of unresolved trauma?

Stick with me as we explore the psychology behind this phenomenon and how to channel authentic self-worth instead of coping through performance. For a deeper dive, check out the latest episode of Mental Health Bites (you can listen right here in substack, on Apple, Spotify, or watch on YouTube).

The Psychology of Main Character Energy and Trauma

When you grow up in an environment where love feels conditional—or where you have to constantly read the emotions of those around you to feel safe—you may develop hypervigilance, a state where your nervous system is always on high alert.

In childhood, this often looks like becoming “the perfect kid,” overachieving, or adopting a charismatic, exaggerated personality to gain approval.

In adulthood, this can morph into behaviors like curating your entire identity for external validation, performing confidence instead of genuinely feeling it, or even using humor, fashion, or an outspoken personality as an emotional shield.

Psychologists have studied how childhood trauma impacts self-perception, and one major finding is that people who experience inconsistent validation early in life tend to develop a strong focus on how they’re perceived by others.

Research has shown that individuals with a history of childhood emotional neglect are more likely to develop a heightened self-consciousness—constantly monitoring how they are perceived and adjusting their behavior to fit social expectations. Additionally, people with unresolved trauma often experience chronic self-surveillance, constantly evaluating whether they are doing enough to be seen, appreciated, or valued.

This perfectly mirrors the curated, cinematic way main character energy is often portrayed online.

When we’re hypervigilant, we unconsciously try to control our environment by crafting a persona that ensures we are always seen, admired, and appreciated. It can feel like the safest way to exist. But deep down, this type of “confidence” is exhausting—because it’s built on performance, not inner security.

When Is Main Character Energy Healthy—and When Is It a Mask?

Here’s the big takeaway: Main character energy isn’t inherently bad. It can be fun, playful, and a great way to embrace life with enthusiasm.

But the key is knowing why you’re doing it.

Ask yourself:

* Am I expressing confidence, or am I crafting an image to be accepted?

* Do I feel exhausted when I’m not “on” for others?

* Am I prioritizing internal self-worth or external approval?

If main character energy helps you feel empowered in a genuine way—amazing. But if it feels like a constant effort to be perfect in the eyes of others, it may be time to explore what’s really driving that need.

How to Build Genuine Confidence

If you suspect your main character energy is more about performance than true self-assurance, here are three actionable steps to start building confidence from the inside out:

1. Practice Uncurated Living for a Day

Challenge yourself to spend a full day without performing—no filtering your words, no overthinking how you’re perceived, no adjusting your personality to fit in.

Instead, focus on simply being. Notice how it feels. Is there anxiety? Discomfort? If so, that’s okay—that’s just your nervous system adjusting to a more natural state.

Example:If you usually plan your outfits for social media-worthy moments, wear what feels natural instead.If you’re always the entertainer in social settings, try sitting back and observing. Just notice how it feels.

2. Daily Affirmation for Intrinsic Self-Worth

Every morning, ask yourself:“If no one was watching, what would I still love about myself today?”

This helps you tap into intrinsic self-worth, rather than relying on external validation.

Example:Instead of thinking, “I look great in this outfit,” shift your focus inward to:“I love my sense of humor, my resilience, or my kindness.”

3. Slow Down Your Responses

People who are stuck in hypervigilance often respond quickly, trying to anticipate what others want. Practice pausing before reacting.

Try this:Pause before you speak or react. Give yourself the space to respond in a way that feels authentic to you, not just what’s expected.

Example:Instead of immediately jumping in to say something witty or impressive in a conversation, take a moment to check in with how you actually feel before responding.

Putting It All Together

The goal of these practices is to help you feel at peace in your own presence, without the need to perform.

Try them out. Journal about what comes up. Reflect on whether your confidence feels like performance—or presence.

And if this resonated, share it with all the characters in your life who might need a breather and a chance to look inward.

The New Rules of Attachment Paperback!

I’m so excited to share that the New Rules of Attachment Paperback was just released on February 11!

* I’m so excited to share that the New Rules of Attachment Paperback was just released on February 11!

Order The New Rules of Attachment here: https://bit.ly/3MvuvvF

Check out my TEDxReno talk

Visit my website!

Take my Attachment Styles Quiz!

Follow me on LinkedIn

Follow me on Instagram

Follow me on Facebook

Follow me on X

Follow me on TikTok

About me:

Dr. Judy Ho, Ph. D., ABPP, ABPdN is a triple board certified and licensed Clinical and Forensic Neuropsychologist, a tenured Associate Professor at Pepperdine University, television and podcast host, and author of Stop Self-Sabotage. An avid researcher and a two-time recipient of the National Institute of Mental Health Services Research Award, Dr. Judy maintains a private practice where she specializes in comprehensive neuropsychological evaluations and expert witness work. She is often called on by the media as an expert psychologist and is also a sought after public speaker for universities, businesses, and organizations.

Dr. Judy received her bachelor's degrees in Psychology and Business Administration from UC Berkeley, and her masters and doctorate from SDSU/UCSD Joint Doctoral Program in Clinical Psychology. She completed a National Institute of Mental Health sponsored fellowship at UCLA's Semel Institute.

Ever sit down to work, only to feel completely stuck—like your brain just won’t cooperate? You’re not alone! But is it ADHD or a freeze response?

We’ve all had moments where we feel overwhelmed. Maybe you have a big project due, an overflowing inbox, or even just a messy room that needs cleaning.

You tell yourself you’ll get started, but instead, you freeze.

Your brain suddenly feels foggy. You can’t seem to make a decision.

You feel detached, distant—almost like you’re watching yourself from the outside.

Instead of doing the thing you need to do, you end up lost in social media or doing nothing at all.

This isn’t procrastination. It’s not laziness. It’s a biological response to stress.

When faced with stress, your nervous system reacts in several ways. Most people know about fight or flight—confronting the stress or avoiding it altogether. But when your brain sees the stress as too overwhelming or inescapable, it triggers a freeze response instead.

Think of it as a survival mechanism, like animals “playing dead” when threatened.

In freeze mode:

* Your brain shuts down decision-making and motivation

* You might be unable to start tasks

* You might feel exhausted despite resting

* You might find yourself zoning out more than usual

And here’s the kicker: The more you beat yourself up for not getting things done, the more your nervous system doubles down on that shutdown response. Chronic stress impacts the prefrontal cortex—the part of the brain responsible for focus and decision-making. When that part goes offline, it’s nearly impossible to follow through, even on things you want to do.

Research also suggests that some people who relate to ADHD-like symptoms—like difficulty focusing or avoiding tasks—may actually be experiencing a trauma-related freeze response instead.

In this newsletter, we’ll explore how you can tell the difference between ADHD and the freeze response, and some techniques you can use to overcome it. For a deeper dive, check out my newest episode of Mental Health Bites (you can listen right here in substack, on Apple, Spotify, or watch on YouTube).

ADHD vs. Freeze Response: How to Tell the Difference

It’s common to confuse ADHD with the freeze response. Many people look at a list of ADHD symptoms and think, “That’s me!”—when another culprit might be at play.

Here’s a quick comparison (not for diagnosis, but to guide your awareness):

ADHD often looks like:

* Chronic, lifelong difficulty with focus and impulse control (often since childhood)

* Restlessness, jumping from task to task, or getting easily distracted

* Excitement about starting tasks but trouble staying engaged

* Impulsivity—starting many things but finishing few

* Improvement with stimulant medications like Adderall or Ritalin

The freeze response often looks like:

* Coming in waves, triggered by stress or overwhelm

* Feeling mentally paralyzed—not hyper, just stuck

* Lacking motivation, even for things you usually enjoy

* Feeling foggy or disconnected from reality

* Responding better to nervous system regulation than ADHD meds

In real life? Imagine you’ve got a big project due.

* With ADHD, you might start, get distracted by YouTube, and bounce to another task.

* In freeze mode, you’d just sit there, numb, unable to start at all.

Understanding the difference matters—because different strategies help.

If it’s freeze, you don’t need more productivity hacks. You need to reset your nervous system first.

A Practical Tip: The “Body Before Brain” Strategy

You can train your brain to break out of freeze mode—and it starts with your body.

Here’s how:

Step 1: Shake it out (30 seconds)Stand up and literally shake your arms, legs, and head. This tells your brain: We’re moving. We’re safe. We’re ready to act.

Step 2: Activate your breath (4-4-8 breathing)Inhale for 4 seconds → Hold for 4 seconds → Exhale for 8 seconds. This signals your body to shift out of freeze mode.

Step 3: Move forward with a micro-action (1-Minute Rule)Now that your body is engaged, do one task that takes less than a minute. If you’re stuck on a work task, don’t think “I have to finish this.” Just open the document. Write one sentence. Pick up one item. Small actions break the freeze and build momentum.

Try this and let me know if it helps you to get unstuck!

The New Rules of Attachment Paperback!

I’m so excited to share that the New Rules of Attachment Paperback was just released on February 11!

* I’m so excited to share that the New Rules of Attachment Paperback was just released on February 11!

Order The New Rules of Attachment here: https://bit.ly/3MvuvvF

Check out my TEDxReno talk

Visit my website!

Take my Attachment Styles Quiz!

Follow me on LinkedIn

Follow me on Instagram

Follow me on Facebook

Follow me on X

Follow me on TikTok

About me:

Dr. Judy Ho, Ph. D., ABPP, ABPdN is a triple board certified and licensed Clinical and Forensic Neuropsychologist, a tenured Associate Professor at Pepperdine University, television and podcast host, and author of Stop Self-Sabotage. An avid researcher and a two-time recipient of the National Institute of Mental Health Services Research Award, Dr. Judy maintains a private practice where she specializes in comprehensive neuropsychological evaluations and expert witness work. She is often called on by the media as an expert psychologist and is also a sought after public speaker for universities, businesses, and organizations.

Dr. Judy received her bachelor's degrees in Psychology and Business Administration from UC Berkeley, and her masters and doctorate from SDSU/UCSD Joint Doctoral Program in Clinical Psychology. She completed a National Institute of Mental Health sponsored fellowship at UCLA's Semel Institute.

Are you out for revenge against yourself?

You know the feeling.

You should be sleeping.You want to be sleeping.

Instead, you’re watching one more episode. You’re scrolling for one more meme to make you laugh, telling yourself, just five more minutes. Then suddenly—it’s 2 a.m., and you have to be up in a few hours.

In this post, we’re tackling something so many of us do: Revenge Bedtime Procrastination—the habit of staying up late on purpose, even when you’re completely exhausted.

But what if I told you it’s not just a bad habit?It’s actually a nervous system issue.

I’ll explain why in this post. And if you want to dive even deeper afterward, check out my latest episode of Mental Health Bites (you can listen right here in substack, on Apple, Spotify, or watch on YouTube). For now, let’s explore: why your brain and body resist sleep, how stress hijacks your sleep cycle, and what you can do to retrain your nervous system so you can finally get the rest you need.

The Science and Hidden Mechanisms of Revenge Bedtime Procrastination

Revenge bedtime procrastination is a term that originally came from China, where it was known as bàofùxìng áoyè, or "retaliatory staying up late."

It caught on because people—especially those in high-stress jobs or demanding routines—felt like they had no control over their day. So they “took revenge” at night by staying up late, even when they knew it wasn’t good for them.

Now, most of us blame ourselves when we procrastinate on sleep, thinking, I just need better habits or I should have more willpower. But here’s the truth: This isn’t just about a lack of discipline. It’s about your nervous system being stuck in a dysregulated state.

When we live under constant stress—whether from work, family, or the chaos of modern life—our nervous system doesn’t get a chance to power down. Instead of transitioning smoothly from alertness to rest, we get stuck in “hyperarousal,” a state of high alert that makes it really hard to sleep.

Here are three major ways your brain and body contribute to this:

1. Cortisol and Adrenaline Overload

When you’re under stress all day, your body releases cortisol and adrenaline—your primary stress hormones. Normally, these should drop in the evening to help you relax. But if you don’t have proper downtime, these chemicals stay elevated, leaving you wired at bedtime—even when you’re beyond tired.

2. The Prefrontal Cortex Shutdown

Your prefrontal cortex—the logical, decision-making part of your brain—gets overridden by your limbic system, which governs emotion. So instead of making rational choices like “go to bed,” your brain says, “Hey, let’s watch one more episode.”

3. The ‘Threat Mode’ Factor

Work stress, emotional fatigue, or even a subconscious feeling of having no control over your time can keep your nervous system in a state of perceived threat. Bedtime then feels like “losing control” instead of a time for rest—so your brain resists it as if it’s something to fear.

You might be wondering: Okay, but is staying up late really that bad for me?

The answer is a big YES.

Studies have linked chronic sleep deprivation to higher risks of anxiety and depression. People who sleep less than six hours a night are more likely to develop heart disease. And bedtime procrastinators show poorer emotional regulation and greater impulsivity than those with consistent sleep routines.

How to Defeat Revenge Bedtime Procrastination

If this sounds like you, here’s my 90-minute wind-down blueprint.

90 minutes before bed

* Dim the lights – Signal your brain that it’s time to wind down with warm lighting or candles.

* Cut off screens – Blue light from phones and devices tells your brain it’s still daytime.

* Do a nervous system reset – Try a 5-minute vagus nerve exercise like deep belly breathing or humming.

60 minutes before bed:

* Create a mini “you time” ritual – Instead of scrolling, do something soothing and enjoyable: journaling, stretching, listening to music.

30 minutes before bed:

* Use a sensory trigger – Sip herbal tea, take a warm shower, or put on cozy socks to tell your body it’s safe to rest.

At bedtime

* Try a body scan meditation – Don’t fight sleep; guide your body into it with progressive muscle relaxation.

Give this routine a go and see how you feel. These small changes can train your brain to crave rest—instead of resisting it. And the more consistently you practice, the easier it becomes.

Here’s to a restful future!

The New Rules of Attachment Paperback!

I’m so excited to share that the New Rules of Attachment Paperback was just released on February 11!

* I’m so excited to share that the New Rules of Attachment Paperback was just released on February 11!

Order The New Rules of Attachment here: https://bit.ly/3MvuvvF

Check out my TEDxReno talk

Visit my website!

Take my Attachment Styles Quiz!

Follow me on LinkedIn

Follow me on Instagram

Follow me on Facebook

Follow me on X

Follow me on TikTok

About me:

Dr. Judy Ho, Ph. D., ABPP, ABPdN is a triple board certified and licensed Clinical and Forensic Neuropsychologist, a tenured Associate Professor at Pepperdine University, television and podcast host, and author of Stop Self-Sabotage. An avid researcher and a two-time recipient of the National Institute of Mental Health Services Research Award, Dr. Judy maintains a private practice where she specializes in comprehensive neuropsychological evaluations and expert witness work. She is often called on by the media as an expert psychologist and is also a sought after public speaker for universities, businesses, and organizations.

Dr. Judy received her bachelor's degrees in Psychology and Business Administration from UC Berkeley, and her masters and doctorate from SDSU/UCSD Joint Doctoral Program in Clinical Psychology. She completed a National Institute of Mental Health sponsored fellowship at UCLA's Semel Institute.

Your attachment style lays the foundation for how you navigate emotions, cope with challenges, and regulate your nervous system. If you’ve ever wondered why stress sometimes feels overwhelming, why you get stuck in loops of overthinking or self-doubt, or why anxiety feels impossible to control—your attachment style might be playing a bigger role than you realize.

What Are the Attachment Styles?

* Secure attachment

* Anxious attachment

* Avoidant attachment

* Disorganized attachment

Compared to the other styles, secure attachment is linked to greater emotional resilience, lower stress hormone levels, and healthier coping mechanisms. In contrast, research shows that people with insecure attachment styles (anxious, avoidant, or disorganized) are significantly more likely to experience anxiety and depression.

The good news? Attachment patterns aren’t fixed. Even if you didn’t start life with a secure foundation, you can rewire your attachment system to support your emotional well-being.

If you’d like to dive deeper, listen to my latest episode of Mental Health Bites (you can listen right here in substack, on Apple, Spotify, or watch on YouTube), or check out my book The New Rules of Attachment. In this post, we’ll explore how each attachment style affects stress and anxiety—and share practical tools to help you build a more secure sense of self.

How Attachment Styles Form—and Shape Your Response to Stress and Emotion

Attachment styles develop in early childhood, based on how caregivers responded to your needs. These early experiences shape your expectations around safety, connection, and emotional regulation.

When stress or anxiety hits, your attachment style often dictates how you respond:

Secure Attachment

People with secure attachment handle stress with resilience. They trust themselves to manage challenges and feel safe expressing emotions. Secure attachment develops when caregivers are consistently responsive and loving. These individuals grow up knowing their needs will be met and that relationships are safe. As adults, they’re comfortable with both intimacy and independence and navigate emotional ups and downs with steadiness.

Anxious Attachment

Those with anxious attachment often experience stress more intensely. Their nervous system is on high alert, scanning for signs of rejection or abandonment. This style usually forms when caregivers are inconsistent—sometimes responsive, sometimes unavailable. As adults, they may seek constant reassurance, ruminate, and interpret ambiguous situations (like a delayed text) as rejection.

Avoidant Attachment

People with avoidant attachment tend to suppress emotions and stress. Outwardly calm, they may distract themselves with work or other activities instead of processing feelings. This pattern typically forms when caregivers are emotionally distant or dismissive. As adults, they avoid vulnerability, downplay their emotions, and prioritize independence to the point where intimacy feels threatening.

Disorganized Attachment

Those with disorganized attachment often feel a confusing push-pull around relationships—craving closeness but also fearing it. Their stress response can swing between hyperarousal and emotional numbness. This style often develops from trauma or caregivers who were both a source of comfort and fear. In adulthood, these individuals may struggle with trust, experience intense anxiety, and have unpredictable reactions in relationships.

The Secure Self Method: A Practical Tool for Healing Insecure Attachment

Healing an insecure attachment style starts with self-awareness and intentional practice. Here's how:

Step 1: Observe your stress triggers.Depending on your attachment style, try asking:

* Anxious: Am I seeking external reassurance instead of trusting myself?

* Avoidant: Am I shutting down instead of letting someone support me?

* Disorganized: Am I swinging between craving closeness and pushing people away?

Step 2: Use a secure attachment script.Practice a phrase that challenges your old pattern:

* Anxious: “I am worthy even when alone.”

* Avoidant: “I can share my feelings without losing control.”

* Disorganized: “I am allowed to feel safe and connected.”

Step 3: Anchor yourself with calming tools.Choose an activity based on your attachment style:

* Anxious: Journaling, meditation, or positive affirmations.

* Avoidant: Gentle movement (like yoga), small acts of vulnerability (like texting a friend), or listening to music.

* Disorganized: Weighted blankets, connecting with a safe person, or guided self-talk.

Healing your attachment style is a gradual process. Every time you recognize an attachment-driven reaction and respond differently, you're building new, healthier pathways.

A Final Thought

Understanding your attachment style isn’t about labeling yourself—it’s about uncovering the invisible patterns that shape how you think, feel, and relate to others. Attachment styles exist on a spectrum, and most of us express a mix depending on the situation.

You don’t need to be “perfectly secure.” The goal is to build more security into your emotional foundation—step by step.

As you apply tools like the Secure Self Method, you’ll likely notice meaningful shifts: less emotional overwhelm, quicker recovery from stress, stronger relationships, and a more grounded connection with yourself. These changes ripple out to improve every area of your life.

Your past shaped your attachment style—but it doesn’t have to shape your future. With insight, compassion, and daily practice, you can develop the secure foundation you deserve.

If this newsletter was helpful to you, share it with someone who might benefit.

Spotlight on Healing: HealthRIGHT 360 and Prototypes

If you're passionate about breaking cycles of trauma and supporting mental health, I want to highlight an organization doing powerful work.

HealthRIGHT 360 provides medical, dental, substance use, and mental health services for those without insurance. One of their standout programs is Prototypes, founded in 1986 by Vivian Brown and Maryann Fraser to revolutionize treatment for women and children.

Prototypes disrupts the intergenerational cycle of trauma, poverty, and homelessness by providing services to young mothers and their children. Each year, Prototypes serves over 1,300 low-income women and nearly 500 children—offering housing, healthy food, therapy, addiction treatment, vocational training, and more, all at no cost.

Today, Prototypes operates several sites across Southern California, supporting more than 10,000 women, men, and children annually. Their work is a profound reminder that healing attachment—and healing lives—often starts with compassionate community care.

The New Rules of Attachment Paperback!

I’m so excited to share that the New Rules of Attachment Paperback was just released on February 11!

* I’m so excited to share that the New Rules of Attachment Paperback was just released on February 11!

Order The New Rules of Attachment here: https://bit.ly/3MvuvvF

Check out my TEDxReno talk

Visit my website!

Take my Attachment Styles Quiz!

Follow me on LinkedIn

Follow me on Instagram

Follow me on Facebook

Follow me on X

Follow me on TikTok

About me:

Dr. Judy Ho, Ph. D., ABPP, ABPdN is a triple board certified and licensed Clinical and Forensic Neuropsychologist, a tenured Associate Professor at Pepperdine University, television and podcast host, and author of Stop Self-Sabotage. An avid researcher and a two-time recipient of the National Institute of Mental Health Services Research Award, Dr. Judy maintains a private practice where she specializes in comprehensive neuropsychological evaluations and expert witness work. She is often called on by the media as an expert psychologist and is also a sought after public speaker for universities, businesses, and organizations.

Dr. Judy received her bachelor's degrees in Psychology and Business Administration from UC Berkeley, and her masters and doctorate from SDSU/UCSD Joint Doctoral Program in Clinical Psychology. She completed a National Institute of Mental Health sponsored fellowship at UCLA's Semel Institute.