Have you ever caught yourself missing someone you know wasn’t good for you?

Maybe an ex who caused chaos? A friend who constantly drained your energy? Or a family member whose approval you still crave, despite years of hurt?

When thoughts like this begin to fill your brain you might start to think: What’s wrong with me? Why do I still feel this way?

But let me assure you, if you’ve ever felt this way before, you’re not broken. Your brain is doing exactly what it was wired to do: hold on to attachment, even when it’s painful.

In this post, we’ll unpack the hidden psychology behind these feelings and explore why toxic connections can feel addictive. Then I’ll share a step-by-step “emotional detox” framework to help you rewire your attachment system for peace and freedom. For a deeper dive, you can listen to the latest episode of Mental Health Bites here or on Apple Podcasts. You can also find more short clips and helpful tips at my YouTube channel.

Let’s dive in.

The Science Behind Missing the Wrong People

Attachment is at the core of this experience. Our brains are designed to bond. In childhood, that bond ensures protection and safety. But in adulthood, those same neural pathways can make us cling to relationships that recreate early familiar patterns, even if they’re unhealthy.

When you’re in a toxic relationship, your body often cycles between stress and reward. It can be helpful to think of it like a slot machine where unpredictable attention, affection, and validation keep your dopamine system hooked. Although the highs might feel euphoric, the lows can be devastating.

That pattern of intermittent reinforcement is the same mechanism behind gambling addiction; and it’s why your brain keeps checking for emotional “payouts.”

Neuroscience research shows that heartbreak lights up the same brain regions as physical pain. This is why when a relationship ends, you can feel like you’re going through withdrawals. Your system craves that chemical cocktail of dopamine, oxytocin, and cortisol that once defined the relationship.

This is why logic alone doesn’t cut it. You can know someone isn’t good for you, but your body still remembers the rush.

The Attachment Trap

From a psychological perspective, the kind of person you miss can reveal a lot about your attachment style.

If you have an anxious attachment, you might idealize the connection, remembering only the good moments. If you lean avoidant, you may long for control or independence but still feel haunted by “what ifs.” And for many people, the relationship was a trauma bond, which is a deep connection built on shared pain or instability that your nervous system mistakes for love.

That bond can feel intoxicating because it mirrors early experiences of inconsistent care. Part of you believes, “If I can just fix this person, maybe I can finally fix what happened back then.” So the longing isn’t really for them. It’s for the unresolved story your mind still wants to complete.

A Practical Tip: The Emotional Detox Framework

My Emotional Detox Framework is a simple, research-backed way to break the cycle of missing someone who wasn’t good for you.

* Pause and Name It. When you feel the urge to text, scroll, or reminisce, pause. Label what’s happening: “I’m having an attachment craving.” Naming it activates your prefrontal cortex and brings logic back online.

* Replace the Reward. Your brain craves the dopamine hit. So give it a new source—exercise, music, social connection, or even learning something new. The goal is not to suppress emotion, rather you want to redirect your energy toward real safety.

* Reframe the Story. Instead of asking, “Why do I miss them?” ask, “What did this relationship teach me about what I need to heal?” When you turn pain into insight you break the shame loop and transform attachment grief into growth.

* Reset Your Nervous System. Practice grounding daily: deep breathing, cold water on your wrists, or five minutes of mindful stillness. For many people, peace initially feels foreign, and this exercise retrains your nervous system to tolerate your newfound calm.

It’s important to remember that missing someone who wasn’t good for you doesn’t mean you want them back. It just means that your system is still healing from what they represented. This is something that everyone goes through at some point in their lives. And with awareness, patience, and consistent self-regulation, you can retrain your brain to attach to safety, not struggle.

If you know someone who is currently navigating these feelings, I encourage you to share this with them. It might help more than you know.

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About me:

Dr. Judy Ho, Ph. D., ABPP, ABPdN is a triple board certified and licensed Clinical and Forensic Neuropsychologist, a tenured Associate Professor at Pepperdine University, television and podcast host, and author of Stop Self-Sabotage. An avid researcher and a two-time recipient of the National Institute of Mental Health Services Research Award, Dr. Judy maintains a private practice where she specializes in comprehensive neuropsychological evaluations and expert witness work. She is often called on by the media as an expert psychologist and is also a sought after public speaker for universities, businesses, and organizations.

Dr. Judy received her bachelor’s degrees in Psychology and Business Administration from UC Berkeley, and her masters and doctorate from SDSU/UCSD Joint Doctoral Program in Clinical Psychology. She completed a National Institute of Mental Health sponsored fellowship at UCLA’s Semel Institute.

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