RH Family Making History

SHOW NOTES: 

• Genesis 25
  • Isaac, Abraham’s son, married Rebekah. Rebekah was barren. God heard Isaac’s prayers and Rebekah became pregnant with twin boys. We see again this theme of a woman’s barrenness and are reminded that children are a gift from God. 
  • God told Rebekah there were two nations in her womb. He made it clear to her “this situation was bigger than you.” Do we look at our kids as being part of a bigger story than just that of our individual family? 
  • There’s a difference between favoritism and connection. It’s ok to have a connection with your kids, acknowledge it, and lean into it (ie: dad played baseball, one child shows an affinity for baseball—naturally they spend special time together). However, it’s important for parents to be wary of a connection turning into a show of favoritism.
• Genesis 27
  • We see Rebekah’s deception and favoritism establishing a behavioral pattern that is evident within this patriarchal family of our faith through the remainder of the book of Genesis. 
• Genesis 37
  • The connections that give you a commonality with one child over another can EASILY create jealousy and competition. There is an enmity between Jacob and Esau. Be aware of how your children are feeling. 
  • We see clear patterns of barrenness, favoritism, and deception within families in the Bible, and this is one of the reasons the Bible is so accurate and trustworthy. It doesn’t shy away from telling you the bad parts. It’s showing us the worst of this family, not just painting a rosy picture of humanity. 
  • How do you break family patterns you don’t want to repeat? You can’t break it if you don’t first acknowledge it. You don’t repent from something you don’t think is wrong.
  • Hurtful patterns must be met head-on. Some things we can flesh out with prayer and Bible study. And some patterns will require the help of a wise counselor—maybe a little, maybe a lot. That’s ok. Don’t be afraid of that. It’s intentional, and important.
  • Be a student of your kids. If you don’t have a natural connection with a child, how are you discovering who they are? There’s a reason quality time is a love language. 
  • Connections are one thing, but favoritism is another. Communication is the burden of the sender, not the receiver. If our children are interpreting the time spent or invest made with a sibling as favoritism, it’s up to us to communicate better and differently with them.

• BIG IDEAS:
  • There are Biblically-established patterns of behavior within families. 
  • The Bible also shows the ability of a family’s story to be redeemed.
  • Whatever we have to do to eliminate competition between siblings—facilitating our children loving each other, liking each other, and having each other when we, as parents, are gone—is essential work. 

• Back Story
  • If you haven’t already listened to Episode 30, go do that now! We learned about Abram and Sarai, God’s promise to them, and the way they decided to take matters into their own hands. 
  • This choice resulted in Ishmael, an offspring of Abram that was not the promised son and father of nations God had originally intended. 
  • God changed Abram’s name to Abraham, and Sarai’s name to Sarah. 
• Genesis 21
  • Abraham and Sarah did eventually have their own son, Isaac. Abraham was 100 years old when Isaac was born. 
  • Isaac means “laughter.”
  • God’s faithfulness to fulfill his promises even in the face of the impossible was something Abraham got to witness at the very beginning of Isaac’s life.
  • There are plenty of examples in ancient texts of how important children were to these people. They valued them, prioritized them, celebrated them, and protected them.
• Genesis 22
  • God commanded Abraham to take his son and offer him as a burnt sacrifice.
  • The Hebrew noun olah (עֹלָה) means "that which goes up [in smoke]." It is formed from the active participle of the verb alah (עָלָה), "to cause to ascend."  There was already a picture in the ancient world of burning things as a religious practice—the idea being that we can’t ascend to God but our offerings can. So the idea of burning an offering being a worship principle is essential here.The burnt offering was also sometimes called a Kaliyl, which means “entirety” or “whole”—as in give the WHOLE offering to God. The heart behind this practice being that our whole lives, everything about us, and that which is most important to us should be offered to God.
  • The test here was for Abraham to prove that he loved God more than his son. Isaac was about 14 years old at this time. This seemed like God interrupting his promise—that Isaac would be the father of nations—with a test.
  • Question: Have you ever had that moment when God tried to take back the thing He gave? How weird is it that this child of promise and provision was suddenly something God could have rightfully removed.
  • I think some of us, any of us, who are incited that God would deal with his called-out servant this way don’t quite understand His place in our lives and His power over life.
  • “On the 3rd day of the journey, [Abraham] saw the place.” Imagine you’re Abraham, traveling for three days, agonizing over the thought of what God has asked you to do. 
  • Abraham was willing to go all the way because he trusted God. Chapters before, God had already labeled Abraham’s faith as righteousness. Abraham was labeled righteous long before he was called to be obedient. His acceptance came long before this test.
  • There’s a symbolic connection between Isaac & Jesus—on the 3rd day Isaac was taken as a sacrifice. Jesus was in the grave for 3 days. Abraham was confident that God himself would provide the lamb—and in the gospels, that’s exactly what happened. 
  • It’s easy to be outraged reading the passage where Abraham binds his son and lays him on the altar. But don’t apply our modern sensibilities to this ancient meaning, don’t read what isn’t there...do trust what is.
  • As parents, if we aren’t careful, kids can become the thing we don’t lay down before the Lord. Where we start to “worship” our kids. Worshipping the provision, not the provider.
  • Worshipping a seed over the Savior
  • What are the ways parents worship their kids?
    • There is a lot of temptation to make our kids the primary focus of our lives—orienting our lives, schedules, and finances around them. It’s God-ordained to want the best for your kids and to want to invest in your kids. 
    • It’s a high calling to be provider and protector for your kids. But consider for a moment—what does “protection” really mean? Does it mean we spare our children all possible pain in life? 
      Would you say God is a good father? He’s the best father, but He didn’t spare His son. And yet, we won’t sacrifice ours for God’s will in our lives. 
    • In Hebrew language, the word for obedience (shama) also means “to hear.” So if you HEAR God, you obey him. 
  • We want to shield our kids, and by choosing to do so we inadvertently are using them as an excuse to not step out in faith. How often are we shielding our kids from a blessing because we’re not willing to make them pay a price. Kids need to feel the sacrifice of time & effort, and experience the cost and financial trade-off of WHOLE LIFE worship. 
  • David said “ I will not give to God that which costs me nothing.” 1 Samuel 24:24
    We vacate the idea of us being able to worship God because we’re afraid that it’s going to cost our children something… when they can actually be a part of the worship themselves. We shouldn’t insulate our kids from feeling or experiencing worship - in the same manner that we should never let them feel as if they are the object of it.
• Big Ideas:
  • God does test us, and it’s ok. It is His absolute right to test us, and when He does, it’s an opportunity to express our faith in Him. There should be nothing we withhold from God. What does that mean for a whole family? 
  • We can model giving everything to God for our kids. And this may require us re-orienting some priorities in our lives. We’re laying a lot down at the altar of our kids.

SHOW NOTES: 

• Back Story
  • Years before, God had called Abram to take his wife, Sarai,  and property and move away from his family. They made their way to Egypt and God blessed them along the way. At some point on this journey, they acquired Hagar. Sarai was old, and barren. But the Lord’s covenant said that Abram would father nations. Sarai decided to take matters into her own hands, and offered Hagar to Abram to be his wife. 
  • In this culture, women would have blamed themselves for infertility. It would have been a mark of shame on them in their community, and a sign of sin in their lives. So while we give Sarai a bad rap for taking matters into her own hands, it is relatable that she stepped in when God delayed a promise. 
• Genesis 16
  • After Abram took Hagar to be his wife, she did conceive. Inevitably, tension arose between Hagar and Sarai, and Hagar ran away. Hagar ran from her problem. We do that, and it’s easy to teach your kids to do that if you run from things that are challenging.
  • An angel of the Lord told Hagar to go back. 
  • This angel also told Hagar to name her son Ishmael, and told her he would be like a wild donkey. Parents of strong-willed children can relate! Even in the Bible, kids were hard, and it was not an easy job to raise them. 
  • Ishmael, Hagar’s son, is the father of the Arab nation. 
  • Hagar said “you are the God who sees me.” It matters that we know God sees us, right where we are. Our journeys are never removed from Him. God gets it. He sees where you are—raising a strong-willed child, a disabled child, etc.—and He understands it. Here we are in Genesis, at the beginning of history, but there’s already so much grace and mercy coming from God, who invites us to be a part of the story. 
• Genesis 21
  • Abram is now Abraham. Sarai is now Sarah. 
    Hagar has had Ishmael. Sarah has had Isaac. There are 14 years between the two boys. 
  • There’s a modern day application here—a blended family. Each blended family faces a different set of challenges. In this particular example, there’s jealousy and tension, and Abraham is in the middle of it. He experiences his own “God’s got this” moment. 
  • Hagar is pushed out because of the jealousy and tension. As a now single parent, she realizes she doesn’t have everything she needs to care for her child.  
  • God is gentle and merciful with Hagar. He hears the boy’s cries. Just how He saw Hagar in Chapter 16,He now shows He hears us. He hears us when we are in distress, when we don’t know how to care for our kid, when you are watching your child struggle, when your child is making agonizing choices. As parents, you can’t take away your child’s pain—as much as you may want to. 
  • As in Chapter 16, here in Chapter 21 God instructs Hagar to go back toward her problem. God calls us to be hands-on and engage. Don’t run from your problems—face them head-on. Do it alongside the God who loves you, sees you, and hears you. 
  • As parents, it’s easy to feel like you’re parenting on your own. Remember God knows them better than you do. 
  • The only way we are able to see what God is doing and hear and respond to what God is doing, is because we know He’s the God who first sees us, the God who first hears us, and the God who first loved us. 
  • In this passage God provided for Hagar and Ishamel physically, by providing water, and spiritually—“God was with the boy as he grew up.” God fulfilled his promises to Hagar and Ishmael, and in that He’s creating a purpose. 
• Big Ideas/Takeaways: 
  • God sees and hears you. 
  • He knows you and your kids better than you do. 
  • He wants us to be hands-on. 

QUESTIONS WE ASK: 

• What have been some of the challenges along the way in your parenting as a single mother? 
• What are things that you wish you would have known early on that would have been so helpful to you? 
• What have you learned about yourself over the years?
• What have you learned about God?
• What is the greatest piece of advice you were given?
• What would you tell people who are trying to figure out how to single parent their children?

HIGHLIGHTS: 

• When Shana’s son, Sam, was in early high school, she realized their home was not a safe place. She realized three things: “I needed God. I needed to be healthy. I needed help because the other two things seemed so far out of my grasp.” This shifted my whole approach to life, which led to the end of my marriage and to me being a single parent. 
• The biggest and most immediate challenge is the lack of partnership. There’s a void there. Couple that with all the responsibility that goes into raising a child, managing a home, and managing finances, being intentionally available and present as a parent and it is NOT easy. 
• “I was processing things spiritually, physically, and emotionally at the same time [as Sam]. It was overwhelming, exhausting, hard, and an incredibly lonely place to be... I felt unrelatable and irrelevant because what I had structured as my life was gone.”
• Be honest and open about where you are, with people around you and with your kids. You don’t have to hide your mess—they’re going to see it anyway. It gives you an opportunity to model behavior to your kids—for example, with finances. You can talk to them about how things are tight this month, or how you aren’t sure how to manage things. You are showing them how to accept things in life that are hard, and watch you pray over them and work to figure them out. 
• Extend grace to yourself. You’re not going to be perfect at everything. You’re going to make mistakes. The question is how you respond to it. If you blow up or disagree with your kids, apologize. Show them that example of humility. “I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean that.” or “I meant what I said, but not how I said it. Can we try again?”
• Allow your kids to join the journey. It’s hard to let your kids see you be resilient in your faith. Your kids cannot develop a resilient faith unless they see you modeling it. 
• God has equipped you to parent your child the way no one else could. He will meet you where you are to succeed. 
• You have a voice, and it’s really important to use it. You were created very purposefully. 
• God will always do what is GOOD for us—that doesn’t mean it’s going to be comfortable. 
• Pray “I want what You want for me, even though it might not be easy, or comfortable. And at the end of the day I know that You are good. That is a truth. So I want what You want for me.”
• No matter what your day entails, how hard it was, how tired you are, what else is left on your list to do—give your kids ten minutes a day where your focus is entirely on them. Turn off your phone, remove any distractions, and spend that time solely on them. It won’t feel like just ten minutes to them. 
• When you are feeling alone, remember the Holy Spirit is always right there with you, walking alongside you. 
• Find other adults to pour into your kids in ways you can’t. Single moms, pray for Godly men to be in your son’s life to meet those needs. Single dads, pray for Godly women to be in your daughter’s life to meet those needs. 
• No matter where you are on the journey, don’t miss the blessing. 
  • Nurture your relationship with God. If you don’t know what that is, find out. 
  • Pray. Pray over your children, for the people they hang out with, that they’ll be caught if they’re not behaving, pray for Godly mentors to be brought into their lives to provide what you can’t. Pray for yourself to have wisdom, to have mental and emotional fortitude, to be able to raise your kids in a healthy environment. 
• Take care of yourself spiritually, physically, socially, and emotionally. 

QUESTIONS WE ASK: 

• Can you tell us a little about your adoptive story? 
• What are things you wish you would have known as you went through the adoptive process? 
• Once you received the kids into your home, what were the challenges you faced along the way?
• What did you learn about each other and your marriage?
• What have you learned about God in this process?
• What is the greatest piece of advice you were given?
• What would you tell people who are looking to jump into adoption?

HIGHLIGHTS: 

• Dave and Katie Styblo have three children, two who they fostered to adopt. They always felt that adoption was something the Lord called them to do, and then through a series of “God winks” were led down the path toward becoming foster parents. 
• Their oldest two children were in their home as a DCS placement for a year and a half before their situation moved toward adoption. Their biological son was born two months after the adoption was finalized. 
• When fostering a child, there are a lot of obligations with appointments (doctors, dentists, counseling, court, DCS). It can be almost a full time job, and you want to do it well because many of these children are behind on pieces of this care. 
• These kids don’t necessarily understand that their birth mom and dad, and home situation, are not healthy. No matter how traumatic the situation they’ve come from,  in many cases it’s all they’ve ever known, so they do long to go home. 
• On the flip side, in a children’s mind, stability and routine equate to safety, which can make children eager to stay in their foster situation. 
• DCS is overwhelmed and understaffed. The process can be slow. Certain elements can be frustrating. The timing is completely out of your control, and you need to mentally prepare yourself for this. 
• These children have had to care for themselves, in some way. As a foster parent, you will need to re-set boundaries with them to ensure they’re safe—needing to check in with a parent, not making all of their own decisions, etc. 
• Many foster children have a “fight or flight” mentality. When faced with challenges, they fight back and can be more argumentative than other kids. Alternatively, they shut down or, in some cases, literally flee the situation. It’s important to de-escalate situations and take some time out early into a conflict, because these kids tend to get more emotional about things than kids who have not experienced the foster system. 
• Fostering and adoption will test your marriage. There are lots of opportunities for division and friction. It’s important that you remain in a triangle with the Lord, each pursuing Him individually and coming closer together as you do. God needs to be your rock, your connection and your foundation. In this way you will avoid pitfalls. 
• You want to put kids at the center of your marriage, but it’s more important to keep the Lord there. God has put these kids in your lives for a reason, as a gift, and there’s only so much you can do. You do the best you can, and the rest is in God’s hands. 
• “God loves [our kids] way more than both of us combined. They’re His. Having that mindset makes it easier to trust Him with them, and to trust Him with our family as a whole.”
• Say yes to the Lord, and then allow Him to open and close doors after that. Be a willing servant. 
• Have the viewpoint that these kids really do belong to the Lord. They are His, on loan. He is allowing you to care for them, sometimes just for a season, and sometimes for their lives. He’s got them, and He is partnering with you to shepherd and raise them. 
• There are tough days, when you question if you made the right choice, when kids you’ve loved for a season leave, when kids fight back and are hard. Cling to the 
• Yes Jar: make a jar of simple options you would never say “no” to (stickers, healthy snacks, a piece of gum, etc.). When these kids who have been told “no” a lot and have not had a lot come to you wanting something, they learn they can always have something from that jar. This is a fun way to be able to affirm them, and to let them hear “yes,”no matter the time of day. 
• The kids in foster care did not make the choices that created the situation from which they needed to be removed. They want and deserve to be loved by somebody. Our job is to love them well. 
• Find a community, and surround yourself with a village of believers. Not only will these people be the ones who bring meals, provide childcare, and give hand-me-downs, but they’ll surround you, advise you, pray for you, and support you. 
• We truly believe that, while not everyone is called to adopt, the Bible mandates EVERYONE is called to care for widows and orphans in SOME way. Being the village for someone fostering and adopting is obeying that command from God. We are all a part of the story. 
• Find other adults who will pour into your kids and help and encourage them on their spiritual journey.

QUESTIONS WE ASK: 

• When your two families became one, what were the challenges you faced along the way?
• In that process of blending two families, what are things you wish you would have known?
• What have you learned about each other and your marriage?
• What have you learned about God in this process?
• What is the greatest piece of advice you were given?
• What would you tell people who are trying to figure a blended family out?

HIGHLIGHTS: 

• Joel is the Worship Pastor at the Rolling Hills Nashville Campus. Tiffany works for Baptist Collegiate Ministries (BCM) at Vanderbilt University in Nashville. Together they have four daughters—both brought two from previous marriages.
• When two divorced individuals start to date, it’s not just about them, their feelings, and their emotions if there are kids in the mix. You don’t want to create more drama for your kids, so you don’t want your kids to get attached to someone unless you feel really strongly that there’s a potential future there. 
• Your kids have already dealt with the loss of a relationship, in their own way. You don’t want to watch them deal with that kind of loss all over again, if it doesn’t work out with the person you’re dating.
• Single parents don’t really have time to casually date. It seems counter-cultural, but we had conversations really early on that were BIG conversations—we even went so far as to say that this wasn’t going in the direction of marriage, there was no point in fostering the relationship at all. 
• In a blended family with kids that have a wide range of ages, it’s a challenge to find something that we can do together as a family. The older kids really have to be gracious about doing things the younger kids want to do or are capable of doing. 
• Knowing that there is going to be difficulty in marriage might make it easier to navigate, but the emotional difficulties can still catch you off-guard. Something that is completely innocuous can trigger a memory or a hurt from your past relationship, and you begin to insert value into a situation that wasn’t there in your current one. 
• Your kids aren’t going to embrace your relationship and this new family dynamic at the same pace you are. They might be all-in one day, and not at all the next. And even though you know that this is a completely natural response on their part, it doesn’t always make it easy to navigate. 
• There’s a difference between equal and equitable. When you have kids, there’s really no such thing as “equal.” You have to parent each child in a way that is appropriate for their personality. You’d do that in any family. But when you have a blended family like ours, we have two kids that are in our house 100% of the time, and two kids who are in our house 50% of the time. Two of these kids have four parental figures in their lives, who are offering advice and making sure their needs are met. So when it comes to the things we buy, things we do, and even how we discipline, we’ve had to learn that there’s a difference between equal and equitable. 
• We have to manage parenting the younger two, who are with us all the time, and parenting the older two, who are being co-parented. We want the best for every one of them, but that looks very different on a child-by-child basis. 
• We wish someone had made a point to tell us “don’t get easily offended.” Still, two plus years into our marriage our kids will say “goodnight mom” or “goodnight dad” but not address the one of us that isn’t their biological parent. And that’s not to fault the kids, but early on that was something that would have really offended us. 
• It caught us off guard, to not be the biological parent but want to be recognized in that role. 
• God is a redeemer, and there is so much hope in that. 
• We are shaped by our past experiences, but we’re not defined by them. 
• Statistics show that second marriages have an even worse track record than first marriages. But seeing the way God has redeemed our pasts gives me a lot of hope that even if we encounter something in our relationship that seems insurmountable, that He’s going to be faithful to redeem that, as well. What an amazing picture of grace and providence.
• I shouldn’t give into regret, or let the past rule, because that’s what led us to each other.
• Our past experiences actually help us walk our kids through the realities and complications of being kids in a blended family. We help them see “this is the hand you’ve been dealt, this is the life that you have, and how can you see the goodness of the Lord in that?” Our faith is deeper because we’ve been tested. It’s the faith that’s tested that produces endurance.
• The Lord can ALWAYS re-write your story even better than you imagined it. 
• As a divorced individual or a blended family, you feel like an outsider… especially in the church. But a perfect family isn’t reality. There are tons of broken families in the Bible. All throughout scripture, there are blended families. And there’s comfort in that. 
• It’s very hard to watch someone else parent your child. It’s very hard to balance differing parenting styles, especially when you haven’t parented together since that child’s day one. 
• My advice to parents, especially in a blended family, is to make sure you’re united. Sometimes you just need to have a sidebar—take your conversation to another room, get on the same page, and then come back to your kids and give them an answer. 
• In Revelation, it says “He writes all things new.” And we’ve seen it. We’ve seen it in our lives, and we’ve seen it in each of our kids’ lives. This wasn’t God’s original design for either of our lives. And He’s redeeming it for all six of us. 

RESOURCES:

• Saving Your Second Marriage Before It Starts - Drs. Les & Leslie Parrott
• Saving Your First Marriage Before It Starts - Drs. Les & Leslie Parrott

QUESTIONS WE ASK: 

• How did Wellspring come to be? 
• Why is marriage so important in our parenting?
• After heated discussions or disagreements, how do we reconcile well in our marriages and how much of that is important for our kids to witness?
• What are some ideas on ways we can keep our marriage a priority amidst busy seasons?
• What do we do when mom and dad don’t see eye to eye on a parenting decision?
• How do we set our kids up for success in their future marriages through our example?

HIGHLIGHTS: 

• Jeff and Lora started Wellspring Coaching & Training in 2010 after Jeff had a career in vocational ministry and Lora worked as a therapist. They work with teams, couples, and individuals to find paths of healing, personal growth & development, and spiritual formation so they can live in a way where they guard their hearts for the purpose of being able to give their hearts. 
• Prov. 4:23: Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life. 
• Jeff emphasizes: There ARE marriages that need to end—There are toxic, unsafe marriages wherein divorce is justified. But in general, that’s not God’s plan for marriage. 
  In our culture, it’s become normal to find an excuse to get out of a marriage. The reality is, all of us have moments of unhealthiness in our marriage. The more we can embrace that, the more comfort we feel in addressing it. A marriage that has some bumps isn’t weird. 
• John Gottman, a world-renowned researcher and therapist, has narrowed marital problems down to 4 key identifiers which, when present consistently as predictable patterns in a marriage, spell trouble: 
  • Criticism: assassinating the character of the other, criticising what they do and don’t do, etc.
  • Contempt: devaluing your spouse, sarcasm, non-verbal negative communication, disrespect
  • Defensiveness: unwillingness to recognize an individual’s part in the situation
  • Stonewalling: shutting down, checking out emotionally and/or physically, refusing to engage. 
• The antidotes to the four negative patterns listed above:
  • Instead of practicing criticism, make requests. So much criticism comes out of a fair need, or an expectation—and we become critical when that isn’t being met. 
  • Instead of being contemptuous, show appreciation and respect. The little things are what seems to matter most, and something as simple as showing appreciation 
  • Instead of defensiveness, learn to accept responsibility.
  • Instead of stonewalling, learn to self-soothe by identifying your hurt, and then commit to engaging.
• A healthy marriage provides security and stability to a family unit. 
  A healthy marriage is a model to your kids of how to have good relationships—you set the example for trust, for talking about things, for having and expressing feelings.

A healthy marriage provides a child freedom to be a kid, and enjoy age-appropriate things.

• An unhealthy marriage, which is filled with tension and consistent conflict, causes a child to become more concerned with providing stability in the home than they are with playing and other age-appropriate behaviors. 
• Create an environment in your home where your kids know that if mom and dad are having a conflict, they don’t have to fix it. This is a gift you can give your children.  
• It is ok for your kids to see and hear you and your spouse have conflict—meaning two different opinions, not anything frightening or violent—IF you know how to have conflict in a healthy way. 
• Take time to be a safe place with your child if they do see you and your spouse have a moment of anger. Acknowledge when you mess up and respond poorly. Let them see you humble yourself, and apologize. Bringing reassurance is such an important part of parenting after conflict. 
• Recognize the weight of your words in front of your kids. 
• Kids aren’t looking for, and don’t need, perfect parents. They need humble parents. 
• Families today are busy. Carefully consider what you add to your family schedule—set clear priorities first, and then decide what fits around those priorities. Do you need to do a ruthless examination of your calendar? Are you managing your calendar, or is the calendar managing you? 
• Prioritize your marriage in the midst of the busyness. Something is going to get sacrificed… and you cannot let that thing be your marriage.
  • Set a time to talk about the logistics for each week, and avoid conflict. 
  • Set and look forward to regular date nights. Make sure your marriage is a priority. 
  • Touch base daily, talk about what you’ve experienced. Be intentional. 
  • Be in a small group together. 
• It’s important that parents discuss discipline together. If one parent disciplines more harshly than the other in a way that causes disagreement, it’s important that you create a system that works for you to de-escalate the situation. Jeff and Lora tell us that Lora could squeeze Jeff’s forearm, and it would be his signal that the two of them needed to go in another room to discuss. It allowed Jeff to cool off before he parented out of anger, and for both parents to share what they saw and how they perceived the situation. 
• Take the time to hear why your spouse is disciplining the way they are. 
• Find trusted couples with whom you can discuss your parenting decisions or problems with a child’s behavior, especially if they’re farther along in their parenting journey. Their objectiveness can help you discern how to move forward, if you feel like you’re stuck. 
• So often, ugly moments in parenting can come from the mom or dad’s internal fear and shame. It’s important for parents to self-care and be self-aware as they parent. Pay more attention to your inner world before you focus on your child’s outer world. 
• Work hard on your marriage, because what you do and what you have is a model for your kids. 
• Instill in your children biblical truths about marriage at a young age. Talk to them about what it means to be intentional about choosing a spouse. 
• Recognize that you’re leaving a legacy, and cast a vision for long-term marriages with your children. Marriage was God’s idea—He created it. How can you honor God in your marriages? 

RESOURCES:

• Wellspring 
• Dr. John Gottman

HIGHLIGHTS: 

• What types of things do you feel like dads struggle with when it comes to parenting? 
  • Jeff: I think we come to the relationship with our kids with OUR expectations, and we bring how WE were parented. It can be hard to encourage your kids, and appreciate who THEY are. Rather than pushing them to be the best at everything, or be the best at what WE want them to pursue, affirm them. They need to know that they are valuable, they are loved, and they are cared for. We do want them to be the best, we do want them to be great—but I want my kids to know that they’re loved by God first and me second. 
  • Jacob: I think dads struggle with the transition from working man to family man. And you have to be really intentional to make that change some days. Sometimes you just need to drive around the block one extra time, and say a prayer. Ask the Lord to help you make that transition; the greatest leading you’ll do all day is what you do when you walk in your house. 
• What are some things you do with your kids to connect with them, to make lasting memories and impact?
  • Jeff: You have to intentionally look at your calendar and schedule one-on-one time with your kids. If it doesn’t get scheduled, it doesn’t get done. Family time is great, but one-on-one time is where you can really connect, and those are the special memories your kids are going to hold onto. 
  • Jacob: I try to be intentional about WHAT I do with my kids. I intentionally get on their level and do what they love to do—and it’s different for each kid. However, I also bring them along one-on-one to do adult things, whether it’s going to Home Depot or the grocery store, so they see me leading and working hard, and can learn from that.
• What encouragement do you have for dads? 
  • Jeff: Our lives get really busy. If we’re not careful, and don’t schedule that special family time, our priorities shift. Scheduling time with your spouse, prioritizing that relationship, is an amazing example to set for your kids about how to have a great marriage. I want my kids to know that I love my wife first, and then them; and that I love them more than I love my job, sports, or anything else. When they go to college and become adults, I want them to look back and recognize that while I wasn’t perfect, they always knew that I loved Jesus and I loved them. 
  • Jacob: First—dads, you’re doing a great job. Just by listening to this podcast, you’re proving you care. You’re doing a great job. Second—don’t outsource the discipleship of your kids. The church is here to help, but YOU are the primary disciplemaker of your kids. Third—raise your kids in the way THEY should go. God made them each unique, he wired them each differently, and dads need to help their kids find THEIR own path. 

In this second part of our three-part miniseries, we’re joined by Jason Hale, our Nolensville Campus Pastor, and Nic Allen, our Nashville Campus Pastor. We’re excited to get some great advice from these guys, and some encouragement we get to share with you! 

HIGHLIGHTS: 

• What types of things do you feel like dads struggle with when it comes to parenting? 
  • Jason: As men, so much of our life is measurable—sales reports, metrics, etc. With parenting, you never really know if what you’re doing is taking root or mattering. Parenting isn’t something you can put metrics around. 
  • Nic: We have to anticipate the problems, pitfalls, and challenges we’ll have to face so that we’re prepared for them rather than reacting to them. 
• What are some things you do with your kids to connect with them, to make lasting memories and impact?
  • Nic: Connect with your kids over the responsibilities they have, and the responsibilities you share together. Maybe it’s gardening, or lawn care, or pet care. Maybe it’s a way that you’re serving in the community. I think a lot of the time dads want to do the fun things—coaching the team, playing the game, watching the show—but we neglect the idea of connecting with our kids over their responsibilities. They want to do big things and that will help prepare them. 
  • Jason: Two things—First, find things that are adventurous, and new, that stretch your kids. Second, spend individual time with your kids and be sensitive to their need to have one-on-one time with you. 
• What encouragement do you have for dads? 
  • Jason: Know that we see the investment you’re making. As a pastor, in conversations with adults it can become apparent who has a dad that was uninvolved, wasn’t affectionate, and/or wasn’t present. Even if you can’t measure it right now, know that the investment you’re making in your kids matters; God is going to take those deposits and use them in ways you can’t imagine to fulfill the plan He has for your kids.
  • Nic: Regardless of what your role is in the rest of the world, you’re the ONLY dad your kids have. God chose you to be the best earthly example of our relationship with Him. The father/child relationship is so important—know that no matter where you are, or what you’ve done with this relationship, it’s never too late to get things on track. It’s never too late to make your role as Dad a priority in your life, and it’s never too late for reconciliation.