A couple of weeks ago a colleague let it slip that a vote was taking place as to whether or not I would be invited to join the board of an organization that is hugely important in my life. The vote was to have happened on a Friday. The organization had events occurring on Saturday and Monday in which I was to participate.

At the Saturday event, one by one, board members approached me. They deeply and sincerely thanked me for my devotion and service to the organization. All of the members but one.

Monday afternoon I had a virtual meeting that I had been preparing for and looking forward to all year. The overlap in timing would make me late for the event that the Board Chair was hosting that evening at a location 30 minutes away.

Noting the timing conflict, the Chair made the start time for the evening an hour later. Additionally, she made special arrangements for me to have my meeting at the location of the evening’s event in order that I might arrive on time.

“NOOOOO!” I was hearing inside. I needed to be in uninterruptible space. With all that I had prepared for this meeting. Without having to pack everything up and relocate. I needed my focus. It was already noon and I was to have been putting the final elements for this meeting into place in the coming hours.

But I was torn. Between what I needed and what I wanted. 

I still had not heard the outcome of the vote. The board chair had rescheduled and asked for a favor on my behalf. And I had looked forward to participating as a board member in this organization for a long time.

I knew that pleasing her for fear of not getting something I wanted was an old pattern. But I didn’t recognize this pattern immediately. I went into a spin. It’s amazing to me how as adults we can still get stuck in childhood patterns with no awareness that we are in that loop for quite some time.

If I’m honest, even without the information about the possible board position, saying no to her would have caused me to pause. But having this insider intel felt like handcuffs. In a position like this we don’t feel free to make our own choices because we fear the affect it might have on what we had our heart set on. We can feel bound and gagged and hopelessly stuck in the spin. I certainly did.

It is only with awareness that we can ultimately break the pattern. To be able to climb out of the cavern of spin and observe where it is that we get pulled back down.

It all comes back to choosing from our heart. To being able to get quiet enough to listen. To be willing to hear our truth and to move from that center rather than the pull of the spin that takes us to the outer edges.

Simple. Not easy. Incredibly challenging when we are dizzy from the spin.

Getting quiet itself can be such a challenge. Like not struggling when you’re in quicksand. Not reaching for the chocolate or the cocktail. It requires awareness. It requires focus. It requires practice. It requires prayer. It requires a willingness to face and walk through the feelings to the other side. To pray. Pray. Pray. And write or talk to friends. Or write and talk to friends. Whatever it takes to stop the spin cycle long enough to crawl out and unplug the machine.

As it turned out, the board vote was not unanimous. The dissenting vote was from a person who questioned my sovereignty - my ability to hold center in the midst of a conflict. My ability to refrain from getting caught in the spin…

It requires awareness. It requires focus. It requires practice. It requires prayer. And then one day, with Grace, we remember to trust and we stop jumping into the damn washing machine.