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S2 E25 | Does the Minwalla Model Silence Men?
Men come into this work and land on the same conclusion: the model wants them gone. In this episode I take that complaint seriously, and then I take it apart.
Everything here rests on one condition. Active deception has ended. If you're still holding one secret, one withheld detail, this episode isn't for you yet. You don't have a voice problem. You have an integrity problem, and the only assignment right now is telling her the truth.
For the men past that line, I put four familiar complaints on the table, separate the one that's just the work operating correctly from the three that carry a real grievance, and lay out what to actually do with your voice. Four integrity moves, in order. The five questions to run in your head before you speak. Six sentences that carry integrity, and eight more that only wear its clothes. And the honest answer to the question every man is holding onto: when do I get my voice back?
If you're a betrayed partner listening in, this may help you understand what recovery asks of him, and why his questions about "having a voice" show up the way they do.
TIMESTAMPS
0:00 Welcome to Joy Recovery Radio
0:55 "This model won't let me have a voice"
1:35 The one condition: active deception has ended
2:20 The four complaints men bring
3:50 Quiet is also a weapon: silence, punishment, shame collapse
5:15 Integrity move 1: Hold (stay in the room, regulate)
6:05 Integrity move 2: Validate (say it back, drop the "but")
8:00 Integrity move 3: Own (behavior, date, effect, no "because")
8:35 Integrity move 4: Offer an explanation (later, maybe never)
9:00 Five questions to run before you speak
10:10 About the Joy Recovery Academy
11:00 Where your voice actually goes
12:00 Proactive transparency: your real speaking assignment
13:10 Take the "private courtroom" to the right room
14:30 Six sentences full of integrity
15:20 Eight sentences that only wear integrity's clothes
16:45 What you're really reacting to: her voice coming back online
18:05 Complaint 1 revisited: "I'm told I'm being defensive"
19:00 Complaint 2: her volume and your accountability
21:20 Complaint 3: "I'm not allowed to have feelings"
23:10 Complaint 4: "treated like an abuser and nothing else"
25:00 "I am a whole person, and I caused abuse"
25:50 When do I get my voice back? The five conditions
28:15 Closing
Go deeper at joy-recovery.com. Click Academy for live teaching twice a week, the on-demand video library, and the same tools we use with private coaching clients. First 7 days free.
Informed by the Minwalla Model of Deceptive Sexuality and Trauma. Joy Recovery is not affiliated with or endorsed by Dr. Omar Minwalla.
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By Joy Recovery
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Men come into this work and land on the same conclusion: the model wants them gone. In this episode I take that complaint seriously, and then I take it apart.
Everything here rests on one condition. Active deception has ended. If you're still holding one secret, one withheld detail, this episode isn't for you yet. You don't have a voice problem. You have an integrity problem, and the only assignment right now is telling her the truth.
For the men past that line, I put four familiar complaints on the table, separate the one that's just the work operating correctly from the three that carry a real grievance, and lay out what to actually do with your voice. Four integrity moves, in order. The five questions to run in your head before you speak. Six sentences that carry integrity, and eight more that only wear its clothes. And the honest answer to the question every man is holding onto: when do I get my voice back?
If you're a betrayed partner listening in, this may help you understand what recovery asks of him, and why his questions about "having a voice" show up the way they do.
TIMESTAMPS
0:00 Welcome to Joy Recovery Radio
0:55 "This model won't let me have a voice"
1:35 The one condition: active deception has ended
2:20 The four complaints men bring
3:50 Quiet is also a weapon: silence, punishment, shame collapse
5:15 Integrity move 1: Hold (stay in the room, regulate)
6:05 Integrity move 2: Validate (say it back, drop the "but")
8:00 Integrity move 3: Own (behavior, date, effect, no "because")
8:35 Integrity move 4: Offer an explanation (later, maybe never)
9:00 Five questions to run before you speak
10:10 About the Joy Recovery Academy
11:00 Where your voice actually goes
12:00 Proactive transparency: your real speaking assignment
13:10 Take the "private courtroom" to the right room
14:30 Six sentences full of integrity
15:20 Eight sentences that only wear integrity's clothes
16:45 What you're really reacting to: her voice coming back online
18:05 Complaint 1 revisited: "I'm told I'm being defensive"
19:00 Complaint 2: her volume and your accountability
21:20 Complaint 3: "I'm not allowed to have feelings"
23:10 Complaint 4: "treated like an abuser and nothing else"
25:00 "I am a whole person, and I caused abuse"
25:50 When do I get my voice back? The five conditions
28:15 Closing
Go deeper at joy-recovery.com. Click Academy for live teaching twice a week, the on-demand video library, and the same tools we use with private coaching clients. First 7 days free.
Informed by the Minwalla Model of Deceptive Sexuality and Trauma. Joy Recovery is not affiliated with or endorsed by Dr. Omar Minwalla.