This is a somber day. Please celebrate it with me as I describe the president’s dick as accurately as possible using the forensic descriptions of his phallus pieced together from chapters of the books of Michael Wolff, Omarosa Manigault, and Bob Woodward, respectively. This story was written and performed live for Erotic Fan Fiction: The Game Show as a part of Fearless Comedy Presents at the Phoenix Theater in Minneapolis, MN on May 26. Please consider this description a content warning, because this is rough.