Sad Intellectual Hotties

How do you handle (or dismiss) conflict in your relationships?  Conflict gets a bad rap!  Some avoid it, others generate it needlessly, and precious few understand its vital role when handled skillfully—conflict is the royal road to understanding and deeper intimacy.  Listen to the hotties break down conflict and confrontation, what drives both avoidance and shit-stirring, the middle path, choosing your battles, and how mastering the repeated process of rupture and repair strengthens all of your relationships.

There's a lot of talk on the internet about Empaths vs. Narcissists. The common discussion revolves around the special and blameless Empath being the "good" partner who has been abused and prayed upon by the terrible "Narcissist." TRUTH BOMBS GALORE in this episode. You're likely NOT an empath. You're likely not as special as you think you are. You're likely a person who grew up in a household where you needed to be especially tuned into the feelings of the people around you--especially your caregivers. This is less a special gift and more a trauma response and adaptive behavior that kept you alive. Unfortunately it causes all kinds of relationship problems and codependency and unsatisfactory relationships. We break it all down.

Apoc and Cassandra talk about what narcissism is and what it is isn't. We debunk myths and bring nuance to the conversation around pop-psychology and the discussion around narcissism. We outline: How to find out if someone is, how to find out if you're high in narcissism, what to do about it.

The Hotties are often plagued with despair and the grief ever present in all of life. Apoc and Cassandra have a bunch of life transitions happening (listen to find out what's up.) They spend this episode waxing philosophical about love, life, grief, dying and how to engage in the growth process while experiencing grief, celebrating wins and all the in-betweens.

When people unconsciously get into familial role dynamics such as mother-son, father-daughter and rescuer-victim, it can become trauma bonding, replaying of past hurts, never satisfying and it causes resentment and kills sex drives. Apoc and Cassandra outline how to turn these often unconscious trauma bonds into conscious and reparative relationships that promote secure attachment and exciting attraction.

Postmodern urban life has effectively dissolved the neighborhood community and village scenario that was once the human norm. The atomization of the nuclear family creates isolation for coupled people. There seems to be a new interest in polyamorous lifestyles--people are craving more intimacy.

But is it really sex people are craving or is it something else? We think it's just community and intimate friendships--and yes, sometimes sex!

People are having less sex than ever even though we are supposedly more sex positive than ever. Apoc and Cassandra discuss two articles, "Sex Negative Society by Jacob Falkovich https://quillette.com/2021/05/13/the-sex-negative-society/ and The New Yorker's book review on “Tomorrow Sex Will Be Good Again: Women and Desire in the Age of Consent,” Katherine Angel https://www.newyorker.com/books/under-review/the-politics-of-bad-sex

So many people cannot keep relationships, jump from relationship to relationship, or end up very dissatisfied in their long term relationships because the whole thing isn't just one big peak experience. People chase that new relationship energy high and they stop being present and become quickly unhappy and the relationship doesn't work or dissolves.

Many men have desires and fantasies about being the object of affection and being chased, many woman have fantasies about hunting and seducing men...Many just want there to be an adult, while others just wish they could fully take charge of the situation. Due to purity culture and so much mainstream programming, these people who think themselves deviant aren't able to fully own and express their desires. We are here to say, YES YOU CAN! You have full permission. We outline, how do go about exploring, what these things really mean, and talk about the many benefits that these practices can offer.

If women and femmes truly want to hold their power and be empowered, we've got to become fully responsible for our lives and our communities. We are strong advocates for community care and personal responsibility when it comes to shifting our paradigm around making women into agency-less children. It's time for us to de-infantilize ourselves and start being the powerful people we truly are.