Bob’s cabin neighbor in Colorado takes a header in the driveway, while Miles finds a homeless Santa just outside his fence.

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And there we are. Hey, we’re live, mister. Live at 5. This evening, a crash on the 405 brings traffic to a halt. Big Dick McGee is on the scene. Thank you, Bob. We’re flying over the scene right now. It’s a horrible accident right now. Water truck and a vinegar truck run into each other. They just loud sound, douche. The horrible thing, Bob. Going back to you. Go back to the studio, Bob. There we go. Hey everybody, welcome to Stag Show, this is Bob. Holy crap, hey, Miles Tidal here, jeez. What was that, was it loud to you? No, I just, I saw your lips moving, I’m like, oh Christ, here we go again, like, man. Oh, well, unfortunately my lips move when I play the music. Your lips move, but I can’t hear what they’re saying. Yeah, exactly. Well, I’m saying…
No, that is loud. Oh, okay. Sorry. Everybody, welcome. Get your speculums ready. Let’s go. Static radio’s on. That’s right. I feel so out of practice, you know, so. I’m glad you could show up. I’m glad you could find the time in your busy schedule to do a podcast. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Okay. you know what I’ve been doing is for the last 26 years, I’ve been gathering up the minutes that you’re late, and then I just spent some of them. But the thing is, I still got a pocket full. Because you’re late every week. I was on vacation, and so we pre-recorded some stuff. Again. Again, that’s right my gosh. You name it, this guy goes. Well, you know. This is like Dora the Explorer. I got to get it in. Yeah. I got to get it in before it’s too late. You know what I mean? I know. First he’s swimming with old people. Now he’s like vacationing every month. I’m like, man, I’m in this guy thing. I’m waiting. I’m waiting to get my. I’m on the wait list for a hover round. Are you trying to get like free coffee from certain fast food places now? That’s right.
You got to sing your coffee for me. I want my coffee. God damn it. No, but I was reading, accidentally reading that if you’re old, they may cut trees down for free, which I don’t know if you’ve had a tree cut down, but it’s very expensive and I need a tree cut down. Well, okay. I’m interested in this. Go ahead. Well, I have a… a tree that, no, I don’t care about you. I mean, how do you just get to sign up for this? I mean, I don’t care about you. Oh, okay. I don’t know. I was reading and, uh, I said that there’s some, uh, laws that say that if you’re old, you can get the, like the state to come out of the city to come out and take down a tree for you. If it’s, if it’s going to fall on your house. Yeah. No. Well, I got to look into it more. I just happened to breeze through an article.
I was taking a shit on the boat. I picked up a magazine on these. I was reading Sailor’s Weekly. It was bingo. And, yeah, so now I got to investigate this because I got a tree I need to deal with at some point. You got a lot of trees. I got a lot of trees, but there’s one in particular that maybe I need to deal with, so. Some other ones I can just let go. They can just dead trees in the yard. Who cares? Right. So, yeah. Um, so yeah, I went to, uh, I’m trying to think the terrible thing I’ve been on a couple of trips and, uh, not much overly funny has happened really. I’ve been fairly, uh, you know, sedate.
Uh, the crazies have not been coming out to see me very often here. So yeah, the Alaska trip thing totally tanks. Well, I, yeah, I couldn’t, I decided not to even go into it. Of course you got interrupted a lot too. Right. Yeah. I got interrupted a lot. Yeah. So yeah. So yeah, I went to, I went to Colorado, uh, recently, like last week or whatever. And, uh, that was, that was good. Yeah. Yeah. All right. So that was, that’s a good show. That’s a good song. Yep. Um, so yeah, so I, I, uh, you know, where, so we go to Colorado and we rent a cabin, a cabin, a cabin. Yeah. So, and it like has like three bedrooms or whatever, four bedrooms. And I’m there with family. Everybody’s there. And, uh, and so this is a terrible story, but I’m gonna tell it anyway. So we got a cabin and there’s lots of cabins for rent. We’re way up in the mountains and Estes park.
And that is near, I mean, it’s like a stone’s throw from the Rocky Mountain National Park. Sure, sure. And we went in there and everything. I always, I was trying to decide how to explain, like if somebody asked me, like when you go on vacation, what do you do? And I go, we do nature plus. Because we go and see nature plus we like stay in a cabin, a nice cabin. and go to dinner and things that are a little less rugged. You just say the nature part of everybody thinks you’re camping. We did not do any camping. We stayed in a cabin with running water and everything. Toilet on the inside. They’re never the best toilets, but they are a toilet nonetheless that’s functional. Anyway, we’re at this cabin and
And, uh, the, we, you know, get there the first day and then the next day we’ve kind of gone off and done some stuff. And, uh, we come back to, you know, after lunch or something in the afternoon to kind of rearrange before we go out and do some more stuff. And, um, there’s all in the cabins everywhere. Right. So it’s not like it’s remote or anything. It’s just like cabin, cabin, cabin. And so I run to get something. Somebody had to have Pepto-Bismol or something, so I always get volunteered to go get things. So I run again, and I come back, and my brother-in-law is on our porch talking to this old guy, right? He’s like, looks like… I’m trying to think of who he looks like. The guy from the straight story? Yeah, well, kind of. He had this gray hair and mustache. And I’m like, oh, you know, what’s going on now? Because, you know, I don’t want to be – I’m not friendly in the world, out in the world. I mean, I’m friendly if you say hi, I’ll say hi. I don’t want to stand there and talk to you. I wish people that you podcast with knew this.
Like I just really knew this cause they don’t really know this. I wish they would just, if they were to ask me, I would tell them, but, um, I don’t like you. I’m friendly on these kinds of things and so forth. But when I’m, you know, on my own time, I don’t know what you want to call it. I go out and I just want to do my thing and then that’s it. So, so then my brother-in-law come, I just go straight in. I’m not, you know, he, he’s occupied. I don’t want to be involved in this. So I go in and I go hide. And he comes in and he’s telling us this old guy, he’s like, uh, he just would not, he, he goes, he just kept telling me the same things. He goes, he would just, he’s like, uh, and over there, the elk come down from there. And then they come right out in front of your cabin and they, you know,
make their mating sounds and then they head up over there and you know they come down from up here and then they’ll be right there in your front yard right here in the cabin he’s like his whole conversation rested on the fact that he I got all these pictures you know they come down from over there and he just did it over and over until finally I think we left and my brother oh I gotta leave and so then he gets in the car with us. He’s like, God damn. And he tells us the story and we’re like, Oh, you know, I dodged a bullet cause I just ran in the house. Yeah. No. Yeah. Right. Yeah. I’m a hide and like looking through the blinds. Like what the hell’s going on? It was for you. Yeah. Yeah. No kidding. So then, um, we go out and, and do stuff. We come back cause we’re all in a one vehicle, one big van. And we,
I come ripping in, and we park the van, and this guy is outside behind his truck. And we come whipping in there, and he hits the ground. He falls down. This is horrible. What? He fell down. I don’t know what he was doing, but he literally just took a header right there in the driveway of his cabin. right as all of us the whole van load of people are pulling into this other cabin he totally wipes out there was an elk what’s that? no there was no elk anywhere no elk anywhere and so then he oh god and I’m like everybody’s like in the car’s like oh shit What do we do with this guy? Ignore it. Ignore it. That’s what we’re trying to decide. I mean, it’s like an ethical conundrum. Right, yeah. Because you know, if you go over there… Let me tell you about the time. Yeah, this is going to be like an hour or something. Whereas if you ignore it, you’re a horrible, horrible person.
Well, thankfully, by the time we were getting out of the car, he grabbed ahold of his tailgate and pulled himself up. Oh, God. And so then we just ignored it because he was embarrassed. You could tell. He was like, you know, shaking himself off. He just took this dive. I don’t know. He’s getting some out of his truck or something. Anyway, so we all just kind of scurried in to avoid him. Because he was okay. Are you sure we shouldn’t check on him? No. No. Oh, my gosh. I feel terrible. You guys are assholes, man. Yeah. Even though I don’t want to talk to people, I’m not a horrible person. You know what I mean? Yeah. If he was still on the ground when I got out, I was going to go help him.
yeah right yeah oh i was no you weren’t. You’d be there. Why? What happened? Why? Because I saw him. I was driving and i saw him just take a dive. It was bad. And, uh, we all scurry into the house and hide. And then he, he, you know, plays it all off because obviously he was really embarrassed that he fell down. And, And so then the next day it’s, it’s like about dusk and I’ll be damned. My brother-in-law is like, Holy shit. There’s elk out here. Yeah. He’s like, the fucking thing came down from over there. Came right into the yard. That’d be funny if the old guy’s out there bare-ass naked. No, he came out. He came out. Yeah. But thankfully, he had this huge camera. He had a great camera. Anyway, he came out onto his deck, so he couldn’t get to us. He was up elevated.
And he was snapping pictures, but literally this hell came down from where he said right in front of us and starts yelling its mating call. Yeah. I would play it. I don’t know if I can play it for you, but it’s wild. But yeah, and then we’re all just cracking up because it literally was exactly what he said. We’re like… Oh, we are such jerks. Let me see if I can get this to play here. I don’t know if you’ll be able to hear it. I don’t think you can hear it. It’s like you were scratching a record or something. Well, I was holding this phone up against the microphone. Now it’s not playing. Damn it. Anyway, imagine a voo-voo-zay-la is what I call it. It sounds like a voo-voo-zay-la going off with this big animal right within 50 feet of us. Maybe the old…
Maybe the old man was a shapeshifter. Well, no. He was a shapeshifter, all right. He shapeshifted his ass right on the ground. You guys are totally blowing off. That’s hilarious. Oh, my God. I feel terrible, but it was so funny. I mean, he was okay. If he wasn’t okay, I probably wouldn’t even tell you. Yeah. We’re one redeeming person in this trip, man. Not one. We’re like, no. Because, I mean, everybody’s like, shit, what are we going to do? This guy fell down right there. I didn’t see anything. Yeah. Oh no. It was like, it was like dramatic. I don’t even know what he was doing. It was like a pirouette. And then you just go, bam, you know, I mean, there’s some gravel there. I need help. I’m falling and I can’t get up. Yeah, it was. Yeah. But I don’t think that after that, I mean, we saw him up on the, on his deck there and he was giving us the,
you know, like point. And he’s like, you know, it came from up there, but he wasn’t talking because the elk was right there. He’s in a sling. That’d be funny. It’s a game called jump to conclusions. That’s office space. Yeah. Anyway. Yeah. So that was, that’s probably the most entertaining thing that happened was uh, watch an old guy take a dive in a driveway. Yeah. I’m a horrible, horrible person. Yeah. I’m like, that’s going to be me. That’s good. I’m going to pop a knee and then boom, right on the ground. Yeah. I would be laughing like, ah, look at that old stupid idiot. Yeah. Yeah. So, uh, that was probably the funniest moment. God, that’s horrible. Yeah, I know. It was really horrible. I hope I never get hurt. God forbid I ever go to your house again. Oh, come on. I think my house is okay. I don’t know. You long to get hurt at my house. You’d be like, I’m suing. I was suing. He threw water on the bathroom floor so I’d fall down. Really? Their bathroom’s all clogged up now? Yeah. I clogged it, but that’s okay. Your toilet overflowed for no reason.
Mm-hmm. So, yeah. But, yeah, I know. I’m terrible. I’m admitting that. I’m a terrible person. You are horrible. Your family’s horrible. Yeah, I don’t want to… Horrible people. You know, I’ll help people. I don’t want to get in… I get it. Yeah, I get it. I understand. I don’t want to know all that. That’s not my business. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. So what’s going on with you? Anything? Well, I didn’t try to abuse anybody. Thank God. I didn’t abuse anyone. Do you? You keep putting words in my mouth. Yeah. No. You remember a long time ago, we did a show. This is like ancient history, but we did a show. I think you called it Neighborhood Chicken Watch. Okay. Um, and, uh, the gist of that story was like some weird bird was like, uh, in the back of Mr. Miyagi’s yard. My neighbor’s Mr. Miyagi. And I was like, Miles, you got to knock on the door. Cause there’s some weird bird. And as I knocked on the door, the thing flew away and I was doing like ding dong ditch it. Cause it was like, I don’t know what a quail or what it was anyway. So that, I don’t know if you remember that story or not. It’s a long, this is like long time ago.
You want me to find out how long ago it was? No, it’s okay. What was the name of it again? Neighborhood Chicken Watch. Neighborhood Chicken Watch. Okay, I will look it up here. This is Neighborhood Chicken Watch Part 2. Oh, dear God. This is spaced out kind of like the Tron movies. Yeah, it was from June 2000. Wow. Okay. Well, there you go. Yeah. 25 years later. And, uh, so, uh, I, uh, you know, uh, you know, Bob gets to travel the world. He goes to cool places. I don’t basically go to the neighbor’s house. Yeah. And, uh, I did absolutely nothing this weekend. Absolutely nothing. Very quiet weekend. And, uh, you know, my dog, I have two dogs and they’re always wanting to go outside.
Always. It’s like every 10 minutes. Yeah, they’re dogs. That’s what they do. They have nothing else to do. They’re just like, fuck it. Let’s go. All right. What’s in there? Wait a minute. What’s outside? Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Yeah. So it’s broad daylight. It’s like Saturday, and I let them out. And immediately, they’re bonkers. Like something’s wrong. I know there’s something wrong, because they’re just immediately… I’m pissed off or something. I go, what? And I’m barefoot. I go outside. Oh, Christ. You of all people should not be barefoot. Well, all my shoes are outside because when I get dog shit on my shoes, I leave my shoes outside. And so I look and there’s like an emaciated Santa Claus with like a branch in his hand pointing over my fence. Yes.
Okay. And like, well, I’m getting to that. So Mr. Miyagi, he’s like behind him, like this weird look on his face. Like, Oh, I’m like, what in the F is this? Right. I go, Hey, Hey, Hey, what’s going on? He’s very close to my dog. I have a fence, but you know, right. Yeah. He’s like, my chickens in your yard. this Santa Claus said this? Yes. It may seem like, Oh yeah. I’m like, all right. All right. Nothing gets homeless people, but you know, I know I ain’t having it. And I call, I get my son, my youngest son. He was home at the time. You know, he’s like, it looks like a linebacker from an NFL or he’s pretty big dude. I’m like, right. I’m like, Hey, Bo Cephas, come here, put on your shoes. I want you to talk to this weirdo, man. I mean,
You poor kid. I don’t want to talk to that guy. Yeah, you think I’m bad. I don’t push anybody into the line of fire. Yeah, well, I know. I’m like, I tell my wife, get on speed dial, hit 911 when I start yelling. Because there’s something weird going on. This old man has a stick. And my wife’s got all these questions. What? Why? What’s going on? What? What does he want? I go, there’s a chicken. There’s an invisible chicken in my backyard. I don’t know. Why? Why? I don’t know. You couldn’t see the chicken? No, there’s no chicken. I’m like, okay, all right. Was it like he was cooking it and he threw it over the fence accidentally? It’s time to call the local police, have a little talk with Santa about imaginary chicken. I’m really hungry. I’ll bring you an extra present there, fat boy. McNuggets, McNuggets. And so I go, what?
what, what’s going on again? My chickens in your yard. I saw it. I saw it. Well, what, what’s Miyagi doing? I, he had a weird look on his face. Like he was being held captive. Like he was blinking Morse code at me. Like miles. Oh, please. I’m like, okay, this is getting weird. I go, okay, man. I go, who, what is your name? What way? What is your name? What’s your name? You didn’t tell him there was no chicken. Well, I didn’t want to hurt his feelings. I go, what’s your name? Right. He goes, uh, you know, Fred, dah, dah, dah, dah. Yeah. And I’m like, all right, wait a minute. Big Dick McGee. Like what you got on big Dick McGee. I’m like, oh, wait, I go, wait a minute. Wait, you’re big Dick McGee. He goes, yeah. I’m like, oh, I go, wait a minute. I know your brother, my semi racist friend dominant. Right. He goes, yeah. I’m like, oh.
okay, maybe this does check out. Cause I, I knew this guy lived close by me, but, and I thought, shit, he does raise chickens. I’m like, shit. Oh my gosh. And so now you went from homeless Santa to racist buddies, buddies, brother who looks like he’s been homeless for about 10 years. He’s like, all he does is raise chickens all day. What do you want? I’m like, okay, well, where’s the chicken out there? Big Dick. And he’s like, well, and I have this fence, but the jackasses behind me a long time ago built their own fence and they’ve left like a one foot. Oh, yeah. Between the fences. And he’s like, well, it’s between, it’s behind your garage or by Miyagi’s there. You got us. Okay. And I go, son of a bitch. I lean in. I can see this little son of a bitch. I’m like, God damn it. How do you do that?
Do you tend to this area between the fences? Is it just like wind city? Yeah. It’s all, there’s all sorts of shit you shouldn’t even be in. I’m like, okay. And my son for some reason, a bunch of shoes you throw up back there whenever you get on them. I mean, fuck. I mean, it’s so remote. You know, Johnny gosh is back there, man. I’m like, geez. Okay. And my son, volunteers to go back there with the stick and flush this thing out. I’m like, I don’t know if that’s a good, how’s he gonna get back there? I don’t know how he did it. I don’t even know how he did it. Uh, but he got back there and i mean, it took about five minutes to flush this thing out. because it did not want to come out. It was like, Oh my gosh. How close does this guy live with his chickens? Uh, he’s on the next block over. Oh, well, hey that chicken made some ground there. It made up some ground. Yeah.
Well, I must have gotten Miyagi’s and headed over my way, I guess. Oh. Oh, okay. Weird. Staring off. It’s like, all right, I got him now. I got him. Come here, Mabel. I’m going to rip his head off. I hate him. The only reason I’m trying to get this chicken is it’s my sex chicken. Sex chicken. That’s my sex robot broke. I got to have the sex chicken. I got a sex chicken. I wouldn’t even care about this thing if it weren’t for my sex chicken. Oh, my God. I was laughing. Oh, my God. I was laughing so hard. I go, I wish we recorded this damn show on Saturday. My God, I was laughing so hard. Did you ever tell your wife what happened or did she? Oh, yes. I told her immediately. She said there was a finger on the speed dial here.
Yeah, I’m like, don’t call the police. It’s Big Dick. Don’t worry. It’s Big Dick McGee. It’s Dominic. Who? Should I call him? Our semi-racist friend from church, Dominic. Yes, this is his brother, Big Dick McGee. Oh, okay. Was it really a chicken? Yes. What color was it? I don’t know. How old was it? I don’t know. What’s he going to do with it? Take some goddamn pictures. What is he going to do with it? I don’t know. What’s the chicken’s name? I don’t know. You know, I was like, I don’t, I don’t know any of these answers. I don’t know. The guy has his chicken. That’s all I care about. He’s gone. But yeah, I mean, it’s the emaciated man, like white beard, white hair, the beards down to his belly, you know, looks like William golden. Well, you mean golden from the Oak Ridge boys or whatever the hell is. Yeah. Oh my God. For my sex chicken.
there’s a young asian girl back here. I think i’m like, what? No, I’m just kidding. I’m joking. But no, that was just, that was the weirdest. I was so sure this was like some homeless guy, like, uh, nothing against homeless people, but i mean, like, you know, uh, you keep saying that. Well, I don’t mean to say that. I mean, I don’t mean to be rude, but I’m just saying maybe like someone off their meds or something, I guess is what I’m trying to say. I don’t, you know, I’m like, okay. I’m like, oh, sure. There’s, is there a white shirt back here too, maybe? Yeah. There’s a pair of pants up there. There’s a talking skeleton. There’s a giant pumpkin growing in between these fences. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
Oh, nice. So all is well then. The guy got his cock back. The guy got his hand back on his cock again. There’s a song called Detachable Penis. Yeah, I know. You talk about it all the time. That’s your goodbye horses. I was tending to my chickens and my penis got lost. Detachable penis. It ended up between two fences. Yeah. He sent a linebacker in there to get it for me. Yeah. Yeah. Oh my god that was the craziest that was the craziest thing oh my gosh. Yeah. That is crazy. But you survived. Yes. That’s fantastic. And your son’s okay as well. Little Poison Oak on his wing. No, that’s terrible. No, he’s fine. He’s okay. I thought maybe that was his rap name. Little Poison Oak. Poison Oak. Chasing a chicken between the fences.
And Macy and Santa Claus wanted him. My Japanese neighbor was having none of it. Hey.