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The dark forces of Wall Street are mobilizing again — and this time, they’re coming for your retirement savings. Blackstone, Apollo, and the rest of the private equity giants are pushing to stuff risky, illiquid assets into 401(k) plans under the guise of “retirement innovation.” But behind the corporate jargon lies desperation: a liquidity crunch, bad bets, and a plan to offload the pain onto ordinary investors. The orcs are gathering, and Washington’s helping them march straight into the Shire.