School of Schlock

Summer's here and the time is right to be watching horse movies! For all you animal-lovers out there, we have a real treat with a film about a city girl going to the country to find meaning (and love along the way)! Join Tom and Ryan as they talk about atrocious audio, dreary dialogue, and why horses are so important to horse movies. It's our review of Wildfire: The Arabian Heart!

Time Stamps:

0:04:55 - Background

0:14:15 - Summary

0:26:45 - Notable Scenes

0:39:20 - The Good

0:40:15 - The Bad

1:02:15 - The Ugly

It's been a while since we had a true-blue kung fu martial arts movie, so we figured it was time to get our fists flying and our feet kicking with a mystical early 80's fighting film from Taiwan. Can Shaolin Fox unravel the mystery of the Purple Jade Badger? How many people will die along the way? Join Tom and Ryan as they talk about cheap sound effects, bad sound stages, and unsound camera work in this Wu Tang Collection classic. It's our review of Shaolin Fox Conspiracy!

Time Stamps:

0:03:55 - Background

0:18:35 - Summary

0:33:55 - Notable Scenes

0:42:10 - The Good

0:46:10 - The Bad

0:59:25 - The Ugly

The year is 1943 and America is in the midst of the Second World War. Able-bodied people are needed for the military, but how do you convince people to join outside of the draft? Enter patriotic war movies like this one, about a man on the run who rejoins the Navy on a minesweeper! Join Tom and Ryan as they talk about big boys, gambling debts, and patriotic hobos! It's our review of Minesweeper!

Time Stamps:

0:04:05 - Background

0:27:00 - Summary

0:41:10 - Notable Scenes

0:52:15 - The Good

0:58:15 - The Bad

1:09:30 - The Ugly

A former DEA agent confronts the evil cabal who kidnapped his brother. The trailer calls this film "part RoboCop, part Terminator," but...is it? Join Tom and Ryan as they talk about island tourism, lazy action sequences, and changing your pants in the bed of a truck! It's our review of Cyborg Cop!

Time Stamps:

0:05:10 - Background

0:19:35 - Summary

0:32:30 - Notable Scenes

0:40:20 - The Good

0:45:10 - The Bad

0:59:50 - The Ugly

It's time to revisit one of our favorite horror B-movie actors; that's right, it's Peter Cushing time! We're watching as he tries to solve a series of grisly murders that all seem to point to...a werewolf! Join Tom and Ryan as they talk about confused timelines, English-French accents, and what it feels like to encounter a somewhat decent movie for this podcast. It's our review of The Legend of the Werewolf!

Time stamps:

0:03:40 - Background

0:26:35 - Summary

0:38:50 - Notable Scenes

0:46:10 - Good

0:56:25 - Bad

1:11:45 - Ugly

It's not often that we come across a movie that makes us reflect on the big questions: what is art? What qualifies as a movie? Why the hell did we watch this? Join Tom and Ryan as they talk self-aggrandizing actors, dream logic editing, katana-wielding priests, and of course, Zen filmmaking. It's our review of The Legend of the Rollerblade Seven!

Time stamps:

0:03:45 - Background

0:30:40 - Summary

0:33:30 - Notable Scenes

0:51:00 - The Good

0:57:30 - The Bad

1:04:05 - The Ugly

There's a rogue agent looking to unleash a wave of terror on the world, and only a proto-Charlie's Angels squad of female agents can stop him! Join Tom and Ryan as they discuss super-imposed explosions, surprise assassinations, and undermined female empowerment. It's our review of The Doll Squad!

Time stamps:

0:03:35 - Background

0:23:10 - Summary

0:34:15 - Notable Scenes

0:44:30 - The Good

0:51:50 - The Bad

1:08:25 - The Ugly

A meteorite has awakened a primitive beast from its slumber in the Pacific Northwest. How will a bunch of 1970s hillbillies stop its murder spree? Join Tom and Ryan as they discuss surprising special effects collaborations, condensed plot arcs, and bad British accents. It's our review of The Crater Lake Monster!

Time stamps:

0:03:40 - Background

0:18:30 - Back-of-the-Box Summary

0:29:55 - Notable Scenes

0:39:40 - The Good

0:44:05 - The Bad

1:00:05 - The Ugly

It was only a matter of time before we ended up reviewing a SyFy original movie, and our desire to revisit the disaster film genre has led us to doing just that. The disaster this time? Earthquakes! Join Tom and Ryan as they discuss phoned-in performances, stealth lasers, and shoe-meltingly bad effects. It's our review of Megafault!

Time stamps:

0:03:40 - Background

0:28:50 - Back-of-the-Box Summary

0:43:45 - Notable Scenes

0:52:00 - The Good

0:54:50 - The Bad

1:16:35 - The Ugly

It's time for some classic Roger Corman, and this time we're looking at one of his earlier films, a horror monster movie with a classic sci-fi bent. Join Tom and Ryan as they discuss liquid shellfish, never-ending action, and The Professor from Gilligan's Island. It's our review of Attack of the Crab Monsters!

Time stamps:

0:03:40 - Background

0:24:40 - Back-of-the-Box Summary

0:38:10 - Notable Scenes

0:45:40 - The Good

0:53:35 - The Bad

1:08:35 - The Ugly