Screeners Podcast

It’s February, and the whole country’s fresh off the most exciting football game in history (or so we’re told), so the Screeners have decided to get together and talk about—what else?—commercials. The “big game”, or whatever the NFL’s suing people into calling it this year, is supposed to be a lodestone for quality adverts*, but were the famously expensive spots a slam dunk this year? Fox allegedly cried foul on at least one of them, refusing to air it, but maybe someone else hit a home run. Join the hosts as they talk about what the big brands served up this year.

Hockey.

OK, now that we’re done with our segment on commercialism, let’s talk about fast food. Michael Keaton hasn’t made much of a splash with his role as Ray Kroc in The Founder, so why would the Screeners review it, you might ask. Well, we’ll tell you. No one wanted to see that movie about the kid from Mars. That’s why. Some of them thought The Founder might actually be a good movie, too, but it was mostly the Mars thing. Sometimes the simplest answer is the best answer.

To round things out, why not do a top 3? The main event’s usually the inspiration for these, so let’s not ruin a good thing. Top 3 biopics it is.There’s a pretty deep field here to choose from, which is a pleasant departure from norm. What was the last one again? “Name your favorite Kelsey Grammer characters”?

Alright...less snark, more Facebook engagement. Don’t make Chris beg for likes. We’ve seen him beg. It’s very uncomfortable.

* We’re trying on some British. It suits us, innit?

To start things off tonight, we heard there were some award nomination thingies recently. The...Lloyds? The Jeffs? No; it has something to do with a..dumpster? Trash? A trash can! That’s right; the Oscar nominations were announced. Surely the Screeners have something to say about those, right? Well, at least Daniel must.

Award shows always make a great first round, but the episode’s main event is M. Night Shyamalan’s latest movie, Split. As you may have heard, M. Night Shyamalan films tend to have something in common. No, it’s not being hated by Josh (that category’s far bigger than just Shyamalan’s movies), but good guess. The thing they have in common is that they’re impossible to summarize in show notes for...reasons. Any attempt to do so reads like a lazy BuzzFeed headline: “An almost-bald guy locks some girls in a cellar. You won’t believe what happens next!” And so on.

Anyway, pretend our summary was slightly less lazy. Shyamalan’s last two movies have been a great one-two punch at people suffering from mental illness, so pretend you just listened to Josh bore you to death about that or something. We’re sure the Screeners will do a better job of talking about the movie without talking about it...or maybe they’ll just skip straight to the spoilers section. Guess you’ll just have to listen to find out.

To round out the episode, the Screeners have opted for a return of one of Chris’s favorite segments—Top Three. The topic for this time: movies with twist endings. OK, so that topic might have ruined the whole coy façade we put up in the last couple paragraphs. We blame Chad, because...well, because it just feels right to blame Chad even if it was really Chris’s fault.

OK, that about does it for what may be the most poorly summarized episode in Screeners history. Head on over to Facebook to give us your best Shyamarry (that’s “Shyamalan summary”, for those not au courant about terminology invented during the course of writing these notes).

For anyone paying attention to...just about anything last year, the best way to describe 2016 might just be, “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.” Unless, of course, you’re Josh, who doesn’t know if he’s seen a “best of” anything just yet. Anyway, 2016 certainly had its low points, but the quality of cinematic releases wasn’t one of them. There were some standout films last year, and the Screeners have made it their mission to find as many of them as they can. This episode is...the Best of 2016.

Longtime listeners know the drill here, but if you’re new, you’re, um, not that far behind. It’s your basic top-ten countdown list, with the caveat that only Daniel has seen every movie released in 2016, so he’s the only one who can make a proper list. We think he might be living in a theater; frankly, we’re worried about him. We’ll put the lists below for anyone who happens to be a fan of spoiling their own surprises (you’re the kid who broke into Dad’s office just so you could find out if you got that Power Rangers action figure, aren’t you?), but if you’re not in that crowd, we have just a couple more paragraphs here before you should stop reading and start listening.

After the top 10 is over, the Screeners have a couple of palate cleansers (or palate ruiners, depending on your perspective) for you. First off, they’ll recount their biggest disappointment of the year (did anything disappoint Chris last year?). Up next is the overall worst movie of the year, then one that each host liked despite everyone else* hating it, and, to round things out on a sour note, the movie they didn’t like despite all the good things everyone else said about it.

By this point, the Screeners were approximately 6 hours into recording the episode, so a vote was taken; the best TV of 2016 was mercifully cut from the roster, and the episode was wrapped up. Rest assured, though; Chris and Melody really loved WestWorld.

Anyway, that’s it for 2016. Finally. It’s over. We’ll all tell our grandchildren about it in muted, wavering tones. Join the Screeners next time for a review of M. Night Shyamalan’s Split...if there is a next time. Even if there’s not, we’re sure at least Facebook will survive, so remember us there.

Oh, right. You were promised lists, and lists you shall have:

1. Arrival

2. Moana

3. Rogue One: A Star Wars Story

4. Hush

5. Deadpool

6. Star Trek Beyond

7. Zero Days

8. Doctor Strange

9. Weiner

10. Hell or High water

Honorable Mentions:

• 10 Cloverfield Lane

• La La Land

• Pete’s Dragon

Biggest Disappointment

Ghostbusters (Theatrical Cut)

Worst movie of the year:

Allegiant

Movie I liked that no one else did:

13 Hours

Movie I didn't like that everyone else did:

Hail, Caesar!

1. La La Land

2. Arrival

3. Green Room

4. Manchester By The Sea

5. Hell or High Water

6. Weiner

7. A Monster Calls

8. Hacksaw Ridge / Silence (A tie! For...8th place!)

9. Patriots Day

10. Sing Street

Honorable Mentions:

• Lion

• Jackie

• Loving

• Moonlight

Biggest Disappointment:

Suicide Squad

Worst movie of the year:

Gods of Egypt

Movie I liked that no one else did:

Passengers

Movie I didn't like that everyone else did:

Kate Plays Christine / Captain Fantastic

1. Arrival

2. 10 Cloverfield Lane

3. The Little Prince

4. Hush

5. Star Trek Beyond

6. Rogue One: A Star Wars Story

7. Finding Dory

8. Pete's Dragon

9. La La Land

10. Florence Foster Jenkins

Honorable Mentions:

• Green Room

• Moana

Biggest disappointment:

Jack Reacher: Never Go Back

Worst movie of the year:

London Has Fallen

Movie I liked that no one else did:

Batman v Superman

Movie I didn't like that everyone else did:

Hail, Caesar!

1. Hail, Caesar!

2. Star Trek Beyond

3. Arrival

4. Deadpool

5. Snowden

6. Doctor Strange

7. Elvis & Nixon

8. Rogue One: A Star Wars Story

9. Sully

10. Finding Dory

Biggest disappointment:

Mascots

Movie I didn't like that everyone else did:

10 Cloverfield Lane

Movie I liked that no one else did:

Hail, Caesar!

Worst movie of the year:

Batman v Superman

1. Manchester by the Sea

2. Arrival

3. Lion

4. The Edge of 17

5. Tower

6. Nocturnal Animals

7. La La Land

8. Jackie

9. Hell or High Water

10. The Witch

Honorable Mentions:

• Everybody Wants Some

• Krisha

• 10 Cloverfield Lane

• The Invitation

• Kubo and the Two Strings

• Fences

• Moonlight

• Birth of a Nation

• Hunt for the Wilderpeople

• Captain Fantastic

Biggest disappointment:

Batman v Superman

Worst movie of the year:

Independence Day:  Resurgence

Movie I liked that no one else did:

Ghostbusters / The Accountant

Movie I didn't like that everyone else did:

Zootopia

* The definition of “everyone else” here is...fungible. Maybe it’s critics; maybe it’s everyone else on the podcast. As we’ve said time and time again, there are no rules, and everything is meaningless. OK, so we’ve at least said the first part. Maybe Josh has just thought the second part.

This episode just might set a record for the Screeners’ most popular main event...if you judge the popularity of episodes based on the popularity of their topics, at least. That’s how we do it, and we’re entitled to our opinion. It’s another double feature this time, and what a combo: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story and HBO’s new (remade) hit Westworld.

So Rogue One is “officially” a Star Wars movie, but something about the marketing and the whole “we get a new one every year now” thing hits a sour note with some people, one or two of the Screeners included. They’re an open-minded lot, though, and they’re willing to give Disney a shot to turn side-plot off-year releases into watchable cinema. Did they deliver this time?

What if the Only Thing That Makes Us Human Is Wondering What Makes Us Human?

Another franchise connected to J.J. Abrams? Fine, Chris, but next time we’re talking about someone else. The guy’s going to get a big head.

Anyway, most of Westworld takes place in the Wild West, but it’s not a Western. And those people you see? They’re not people. Or are they? Throw in some violence, nudity, and things you can’t say on CBS, and you’ve got yourself an HBO show.

Westworld is a remake of a Michael Crichton movie...or maybe two of them, actually, but it takes a slightly different approach than the original (and the subsequent short-lived 80s TV series). For one, the first season cost $100 million, twice the average per-episode budget for Game of Thrones. Money won’t necessarily buy you quality, though; just ask Michael Bay.

Notice how this description has been rambling on for four paragraphs now but hasn’t said anything of substance yet? Yeah; that’s on purpose. Go watch the show, then listen to the episode. You’ve been warned.

To round out the episode, the Screeners decided to let Chris exercise some creative control and invent his own game. The jury’s still out on whether they’re happy with that choice. He found a list of movie taglines somewhere, and he’s forcing everyone to guess the movie from its tagline. Play along at home and see if you can do better than the rest of the Screeners (not as hard as it sounds, actually).

OK, that wraps up the last new release episode of the year. Join us next time for our Best of 2016 episode, where we’ll review our favorite movie, TV, and video game releases of the past 12 months, a list that Josh has totally been keeping since January. He’s really serious about these things. A serious, responsible adult and podcast host. Promise.

Alright; done for real now. See you on Facebook!

So...last time we said we were going to review Moana and Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them, right? Well, it’s officially the Christmas season now, so by law you have to forgive us for only getting around to talking about one of them. Come on; Santa’s watching.

Disney might be following a well-trodden path as far as Moana’s general story arc goes, but the movie marks the furthest they’ve gone yet down the cultural diversity road. Moana is not only a strong female lead, but she’s Polynesian, and Pasifika cultures are pretty underrepresented in film. Disney even brought in a cultural advisory counsel to help the decidedly non-Pasifika writers get things right. But was it enough? You’re really here to find out if Chris cried during the movie, so let’s get on with that part, shall we?

Remember a paragraph or so ago, when we reminded you it was time to start Christmas shopping? Maybe this episode’s Top 3 can help you stuff some stockings—the Screeners decided to cover “vaguely Christmas movies”, or movies that aren’t really about Christmas but happen to be set during the season. If that doesn’t make any sense to you, don’t worry; it didn’t make sense to Josh either, and that’s why he’s not here for this episode.

If you haven’t heard, we’re on Facebook. Some of the news we share there isn’t fake. Bonus points if you can figure out which of it is.

This episode will be a little light in the notes area—the first segment has been jettisoned for a longer discussion of Arrival, and the Screeners are doing their best to not tell you anything specific about the movie. The only thing we can reveal here is that Josh has a background in linguistics...and if you think it makes no sense to mention that here, then good; we’ve done our job. Come back for the spoilers section later; you won’t be disappointed. Then again, you might be very disappointed. We’re not in the business of guarantees.

There’s still a final segment, though:  In a totally unexpected bit of thematic consistency, this episode’s Top 3 is “Go in blind”, or movies where the best experience hinges on the viewer not knowing anything about the plot when they start watching. There are some good ones in here, but by naming them, we’ve probably ruined them. Oh well; you’ve probably already seen them anyway.

OK, that about does it. See? Short. As always, join the discussion over on Facebook (especially after listening to the spoilers section…), and we’ll see you next time for reviews of Fantastical Beasts and Where to Find Them and Disney’s Moana.

Ed. note: Assuming Chad left them in the final cut, credit for the parody movie titles goes to Neil. He threatened litigation if I didn’t give proper attribution.

This episode boasts not one, but TWO reviews. Two reviews, and a top 3. We’re not sure what more you could ask for*, so let’s jump right in.

First up is Christopher Guest’s new Netflix-only offering, Mascots. Guest is famous for his mockumentaries, but how long can his streak last before the format gets old? Surely a topic like this is a home run, right? And by “home run”, we mean to imply that team mascots are the only reason anyone watches baseball (right?).

For their main event, the Screeners couldn’t help but talk about Marvel’s latest cash cow, Dr. Strange. Well, Chris couldn’t help but talk about it, but that wasn’t entirely unexpected, now was it? Sherlock gets magic powers from a mysterious white woman in the middle of Nepal; what’s not to love? We feel like there were some nods to Harry Potter in there too, but maybe the trailer for the JK Rowling movie with Stephen Hawking in it just colored our perception. We had a very...disorienting time at the theater, in case you couldn’t tell.

It’s been awhile since we’ve done a Top 3, but the segment’s back in style. Since everything Marvel touches turns to cash, the Screeners couldn’t resist a tie-in with the main event. Are there any other TV or movie doctors worth talking about? Sure there are; just off the top of our heads, we can think of at least...well, one. We’re sure Chad will come up with some sophisticated choices.

OK, that’ll do it for this time. Join us next time, when surely there will be another Marvel movie to talk abou...what’s that? We’re reviewing Arrival? Sure, whatever; there’ll be another Marvel movie released now and then to distract us. Anyway, until then, see you on Facebook!

*...except maybe a female host. This episode’s missing Melody; sorry about that. She just didn’t have time for Benedict Cumberbatch. We were shocked too; trust us.

...no, we’re not talking about a remake of National Treasure, but wouldn’t it be great if we were? That’s the movie they need to remake. Why has noone done this?

Ahem. To mix things up this time, the Screeners are doing two reviews and a game. Or...one mini-review, one full review and a game. One short review, one really long review and a game? Um, whatever; there’s going to be a game at the end.

First on the docket is Jack Reacher: Never Go Back. With a title like that, the jokes write themselves. So does the script...but maybe we’re getting ahead of ourselves here. Someone might have liked watching Tom Cruise punch and kick things. He even has a couple female sidekicks, so the cast is diverse and everything. At least, we’re guessing that was part of the pitch to the studio. Anyway, everyone paid to see it, so they’re going to talk about it. For a little while.

Instead of giving a Tom Cruise movie the satisfaction of being the main event, the Screeners called an audible and decided to have a longer discussion about 13th, Ava DuVernay’s new Netflix documentary. It’s a stark look at the black experience in America since the abolishment of slavery by the 13th Amendment, and everyone has a slightly different takeaway. None of the Screeners can claim personal experience, but they’re all invested in discussing the issues brought up by the movie.

As a sort of pressure release for a rather heavy main event, the Screeners decided to round out the episode with a “fun” round of FlickChart. At least, it’s fun for Josh since he gets to sit back and listen to everyone else agonize about their opinions of movies he’s never seen. Will Die Hard ever leave the Screeners’ top 10? Not if Daniel has anything to say about it.

OK, enough for now. Join this episode’s discussion on Facebook, and check back for our next episode, when we’ll be talking about the Netflix original Mascots (from Christopher Guest!) and Marvel’s Unstoppable Money Mach...err, Dr. Strange.

Another summer, another gap in Screeners programming and subsequent half-hearted apology. Some people went out of town, some people stayed in town but didn’t feel like recording episodes when Chad wasn’t around to edit them, and some people...are Josh. We don’t really know what his deal is. He might have just been asleep for the past few weeks.

Anyway, everyone’s back now, so they thought they’d share what they’ve all been watching but not talking about for the past month or so. There’s a little something for everyone in this episode—as long as you like either TV, movies, or video games. There will be no summer book recommendations; we think the Screeners may have stopped reading altogether after that review of Ender’s Game a couple years ago.

Maybe they’re just a little over-ambitious, but the Screeners thought a catch-up episode should include full reviews of all the movies they meant to record episodes about but never got around to. They’ve managed to fit three of them in, at least, so this episode’s main event is a triple feature of Ghostbusters, Star Trek Beyond, and Jason Bourne.

As a concession to the insane about of time a main event like this would ordinarily eat up, there’s only a spoilers section for Star Trek. You’re welcome, everyone who was afraid we were going to tell you which character Matt Damon punches last in Jason Bourne. (We’re actually not sure who that was; the camera was moving too much to get a good look at him. More on that in the review.)

Oh, and because we had so many movies to talk about, there’s also no Top Three this time. Stop by the Facebook page and make up your own—maybe we’ll pick it up for a future episode!

This episode lies somewhere in the nether regions between bonus and full episode. We have more than just a movie review, but only three Screeners showed up, so we’ll see how long they can keep the conversation going (spoiler alert: with these three, we could be here awhile after all).

So...Suicide Squad is set in Batman’s universe, but it’s not quite a Batman movie because it's not about Batman. A lot of the familiar bad guys (and some unfamiliar ones) are in it, though, except they’re the good guys now. There’s presumably a lot of shooting. That about covers it, right? Well, at least 3 of the Screeners got to see it, so we’ll leave it up to them to say whether we forgot any details.

And in honor of the most hardcore Harley Quinn we’ve seen in the franchise so far, this episode’s Top Three is about the hosts’ favorite female action heros. We look forward to Chris mansplaining the character development in Alias.

We’re sure there’s some kind of argument to be had about Suicide Squad, but join us next time for the real summer meat and potatoes episode. (Is meat and potatoes a seasonal dish in summer? Wait, don’t answer that; we don’t care.) In the meantime, hit us up on Facebook.