In this episode, Nick speaks with Alundas Havens, who had a really hard upbringing – from having an abusive, alcoholic womanizer of a father to having an abusive, alcoholic mother with a racist husband.

He struggled with self-identity with his stepfather being racist towards African Americans and never meeting half of his dad’s side, who happened to be African-American.

Alundas would bounce around between his mom’s house and his dad’s house, trying to determine who was better to live with. As soon as he turned 18, he decided to join the Marines. The Marines were a place he felt he belonged, but when he was home, he struggled with drinking and dealing with traumas.

After his wife had a miscarriage, he started taking care of her and started shifting his mindset. And with the power of the mind, he was working on healing traumas and even created his own podcast to help others better their lives with the power of the mindset.

About Alundas Havens

Alundas is the CEO and Founder of Alpha Influence Media and The Winners Paradigm Podcast.

Throughout his life, he endured some life-changing events that changed the course of his life, whether it was overcoming trauma, abuses of all types, limiting beliefs, and transitioning from the Marine Corps.

Alundas makes it a priority to give power back to Alpha Entrepreneurs and Podcasters by asking how they got where they are and how others can increase their influence by taking action.

Resources:

Interested in starting your own podcast or need help with one you already have? Send Nick an email or schedule a time to discuss your podcast today!

[email protected]

Thank you for listening!

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Your Friends at “The Mindset & Self-Mastery Show”

00:00:08:08 – 00:00:27:17

Nick McGowan

Hello and welcome to The Mindset and Self-mastery Show. I’m your host, Nick McGowan. And on this show, my guests and I unpack the stories that shape us, the lives that we lead on our path to self-mastery. So let’s not wait any longer. Let the games begin.

00:00:32:12 – 00:00:40:23

Nick McGowan

Hey, ladies. Welcome to the show, man. I’m so excited that you’re here. I think we’re gonna have an awesome conversation because we kind of do similar things, so thank you for being on the show, man.

00:00:41:12 – 00:00:53:03

Alundas Havens

Thank you, brother. Yeah, it’s like, like I said before, off record. It’s like talking into a mirror with the way you were talking it. Hey, we’re going to structure our show. And I’m like, Man, we structured our show the exact same way. So, yeah, it’s gonna be perfect.

00:00:53:15 – 00:01:04:16

Nick McGowan

Shared intelligence, man. Shared intelligence. I love that sort of stuff. So, hey, why don’t you kick us off? Tell us one thing you do for a living and something that most people don’t know about you. That’s maybe a little odd or bizarre.

00:01:04:21 – 00:01:34:05

Alundas Havens

Absolutely. So I actually quit my job in May and started a company with my mentor, Zach Babcock and Tim Holloway. What we do is we help alpha entrepreneurs, alpha podcasters get aligned to their ideal shows. I guess to be able to align them with their exactly what they’re looking for, to articulate their message, streamline that process, you know, provide the graphics, get those intake forms out, you know, make sure that they can dial in on their process, their business, and really from there, focus on those networking relationships and that.

00:01:34:11 – 00:01:51:03

Alundas Havens

So what I do is, you know, we’ll find them exactly who resonates with them so they can just focus on what they’re good at, you know, bring that reward back into whatever they’re looking for. And that’s it, brother. Oh, and then I have a podcast called The Winners Paradigm where I help people recalibrate their mindset so they can achieve their definition of success.

00:01:51:08 – 00:01:53:01

Alundas Havens

So very similar to your show as well.

00:01:53:14 – 00:02:01:10

Nick McGowan

It’s all about the mindset. Ladies and gentlemen. So you can’t leave us hanging. We need to know what’s that weird thing, that bizarre thing about you.

00:02:01:17 – 00:02:18:15

Alundas Havens

Oh, I’m the fifth Ninja Turtle. If I can. I just eat pizza every day, all day long, if I’m cutting weight, you know? And I’m like, right now, I’m supposed to be losing weight. I’m like, Oh, you know what? I can get this cauliflower pizza and I can get these vegetables out. And yeah, I’m that one. You know, I just live off pizza.

00:02:18:22 – 00:02:21:03

Nick McGowan

Fair enough. Is there a specific type of pizza you go for?

00:02:21:06 – 00:02:24:16

Alundas Havens

Yeah, I’m going to piss people off. I like why pizza man?

00:02:25:02 – 00:02:33:22

Nick McGowan

I don’t even care. I might lose listeners at this point, but I’m right there with you. There’s something about Hawaiian pizza now. Do you do any helping those on there as well?

00:02:33:22 – 00:02:54:14

Alundas Havens

Yeah. So. So kind of funny. Back in the day, one of my stoner friends, he was just like, I’m going to give you the greatest pizza ever. And it was Halloween pinos pepperoni sausage and pineapple. And it was funny. I was watching this man eat and he takes one bite and he’s churning the pizza and he’s like, you get maybe you get a little bit of salty and meaty.

00:02:54:18 – 00:03:05:20

Alundas Havens

You get sweet and then you get jalapeno and hot. And I’m like, That is the best combination for a pizza, but I can’t share that with everyone, so I keep it private, man.

00:03:05:20 – 00:03:22:07

Nick McGowan

I dig that. And now it’s going to be shared with a lot of people throughout the podcast world. So but dude, I’m right there with you. I think it’s so weird when people are like they just hate on Hawaiian pizza and it almost seems like it’s a cultural thing. We’re like, No, we just want to fucking hate on it for no reason.

00:03:22:07 – 00:03:27:06

Nick McGowan

But it’s such a it’s a beautiful thing. I don’t want this entire show to be about Hawaiian pizza. But you brought it up.

00:03:28:13 – 00:03:36:09

Alundas Havens

Yeah. I mean, Hawaiian pizza is up there. I had Chicago Deep dish in Chicago in like. Yeah, that was insane, too.

00:03:36:09 – 00:03:38:10

Nick McGowan

So do you remember the place that you went to?

00:03:39:04 – 00:03:41:02

Alundas Havens

No, that’s the bad part.

00:03:41:08 – 00:03:57:20

Nick McGowan

Right? Because there’s there’s a couple of I think Luminol things is is one of the main ones that I at least like. But there’s like a couple back and forth. I almost think like I’m from Philly. So when people think of a Philly cheesesteak, they’re like, Well, is it Pat’s or Gino’s? And typically it’s like something else. It’s not part of that.

00:03:58:03 – 00:04:12:04

Alundas Havens

I got to make my way. That’s why another thing I love is Philly cheesesteaks and I haven’t been to Philly. So that’s the one thing is I have some buddies from over there and they’re like, Bro, they’re too little to die for. And I had one buddy that was stationed with me in San Diego, and there’s this spot by the beach and we’re in there.

00:04:12:04 – 00:04:21:16

Alundas Havens

And then I was like making fun of them kids from Delaware. And I was just like, Oh, he’s from Delaware. He’s not even from Philly. And then the owner is like, I’m from Delaware. I was like, No way. Yeah, I was like, two of them.

00:04:23:04 – 00:04:42:08

Nick McGowan

All right. So now you brought that up. I’m potentially going to lose some other listeners. I hope I don’t lose the entire audience at this point. But one of the best, if not the best Philly cheesesteak actually comes from Delaware. There’s a small town outside of Delaware called Claymont. That Claymont steak shop is the best.

00:04:42:19 – 00:04:43:13

Alundas Havens

That’s what I’ve heard.

00:04:44:01 – 00:04:57:23

Nick McGowan

Best right outside of Philly. But most people, they’re like, Oh, it’s not a Philly cheesesteak if it’s not from the city. Like, it’s a whole different story. No. David So I’m sure you have shit like that where you’re at. So you’re in, you’re in California. Are there things like that where you guys are super picky about it?

00:04:59:22 – 00:05:17:00

Alundas Havens

So I’m going to say it’s kind of weird. So like I’m from Fresno, California, so it’s the center of California and like there’s nothing really good about it but taco trucks like the Fox and taco trucks over there are insane. Like, I’ve never been to Mexico, but I’ve had authentic Mexican food because I have friends, family from there.

00:05:17:07 – 00:05:31:18

Alundas Havens

And yeah, like that’s the best thing ever. Like any type of meat you want, like three pies, you know, if you want to eat whatever, like they don’t have that in San Diego. So that’s why I say it’s like I’m leaving to San Diego and I’m like, What the hell? They don’t have it here. Then I go somewhere.

00:05:31:18 – 00:05:49:03

Alundas Havens

It’s like $8 a fucking taco. And then if you go towards the border, of course all that stuff is going to be there. But that’s what I find so funny. And then recently I actually went up to Anaheim via Los Angeles and over there there’s tons of taco truck. So I was like, You know what? The one thing I missed about home, I can drive an hour from my house now and I can go get it.

00:05:49:03 – 00:05:51:06

Alundas Havens

So that’s the only thing that I’m happy about.

00:05:51:13 – 00:06:10:05

Nick McGowan

Yeah, I really hope that. I hope that food trucks really start to pick up more than they had before. Like pre-COVID, I saw a lot of people stepping in entrepreneurship, getting a taco truck or a little hoagie truck or something. Yeah, but COVID kind of killed some of that. So I like to think that some of it’s coming back.

00:06:10:14 – 00:06:28:04

Alundas Havens

Yeah, no, they definitely have. And that’s a you know, while San Diego is different because it’s a tourist city. So that’s why there’s so many. And then of course, by the beach, you know, but at the same time, like for just people, that’s the greatest thing in the world, this greasy food, you know. So get a pizza, get some taco on the end, you know?

00:06:28:09 – 00:06:29:18

Alundas Havens

Good thing I don’t drink that much anymore.

00:06:30:00 – 00:06:32:07

Nick McGowan

Yeah, you need to sop up all that alcohol.

00:06:32:21 – 00:06:33:18

Alundas Havens

Exactly.

00:06:34:00 – 00:06:41:17

Nick McGowan

Oh, man. Well, so to not make the entire episode about food, because this is not a foodie show, but we’re kind of foodies, I guess it’s interesting that.

00:06:41:23 – 00:06:42:16

Alundas Havens

I’m getting hungry now.

00:06:43:02 – 00:06:58:23

Nick McGowan

Yeah, exactly. I ate like an hour ago, but I’m now getting I want tacos. I think those might be in my future, like in the next hour, hour and a half. That tequila, man. All right, we’re gonna have to cut the short. I’m going to go get something to eat later, everyone. Now, so this one, we’re.

00:06:58:23 – 00:06:59:21

Alundas Havens

Taking virtual shots.

00:06:59:21 – 00:07:21:04

Nick McGowan

Yeah, exactly. Well, hey, I got bourbon, so we’re good. Oh, why don’t you give us a little bit of context of how you actually got to the point where you would set up the company that you’ve got and how you’re helping podcast people just kind of get started and kind of move through and do all that. But give us some context to how you grew up and like the path that got you there.

00:07:21:22 – 00:07:30:23

Alundas Havens

All right, bro, you got 20 minutes. All right? We got some time. Yeah, my. My story’s long, man. So counting down. Oh, no. Siri.

00:07:32:11 – 00:07:37:06

Nick McGowan

Come on, Siri, calm your ass down.

00:07:37:06 – 00:08:00:00

Alundas Havens

So, okay, so it’s 40 minutes. I’m going to go to wrap it up. But originally, Fresno, California, and my parents had me 19, 21 years old. They were part of years. My dad, you know, my dad’s one of those greatest salesmen ever. And it’s just like I aspired to be him, like walks in the room. Everybody’s like, yeah, you know, that guy gets all the girls did that.

00:08:00:00 – 00:08:27:22

Alundas Havens

So growing up, I had really bad times formulating relationships and attaching a lot of people because my dad had girls in and out and then he was abusive, alcoholic. My mom’s similar, but when I was younger I told her she was an alcoholic. My dad, she rolled it back and then from there you know, she was that one that took care of me, but always battle between both of my parents so that when I became about five, now probably six, seven years old, I had a step that come into the mix that was racist.

00:08:27:22 – 00:08:45:08

Alundas Havens

He had this crazy ass beliefs. It didn’t really make sense, but it made me have an identity issue because they were like, Oh, black people are ghetto. So it kind of like that was something for me that did it. And then to add more context, I never met the black side of my family as well, so that’s why I even had an even bigger identity problem.

00:08:45:08 – 00:09:02:21

Alundas Havens

Just like my dad, because of my grandmother had an affair. And yeah, it was like one of those where like that happened and from there, much of my dad’s life, a lot, you know, his step dad, which is my grandpa who I consider grandpa took care of him in really was that. But for him I think that’s what it was.

00:09:02:21 – 00:09:22:00

Alundas Havens

So the reason I say that is a lot of generational curses for me that I had to break in, should have had to see in argument. So when I got older, I moved with my dad because I wanted to be able to have that relationship with him and I wanted to kind of have that because he was always around for sports, but he never loses that one.

00:09:22:00 – 00:09:37:08

Alundas Havens

I can open up to you and stuff like that, so I move with my dad and that’s when my life took a turn because it was just not somewhere I should be. He ends up taking a job. And funny you mentioned San Francisco earlier. He actually lived in Oakland and he worked in San Francisco at Zynga out there.

00:09:37:08 – 00:09:53:23

Alundas Havens

So he was out there. I was in Fresno about two and a half, 3 hours away. And then it just like ran into hard times and it was like I would go to him and he had the money and this and that. But he’s like, Oh, I give you 20 bucks for chores and that’s for the month. And I’m like, Man, you can’t live off 20 bucks even as a kid.

00:09:53:23 – 00:10:09:09

Alundas Havens

Like, you can’t do shit with 20 bucks. So it was that, you know, and I never wanted to go to help because he’d be like, I’ll figure the fuck out. So I got to a point where I got smart with life and I had a lot of rich friends and like grew up with those rich kids. So I was just like, You know what?

00:10:09:09 – 00:10:22:20

Alundas Havens

I can make money. So I traded one of my video games one time because I needed money to get food, got clothes back, switched that out because they didn’t fit me where, you know, made a little bit of cash and then was able to get food. So my dad was like, Oh, and then what happened in that new game?

00:10:22:20 – 00:10:34:22

Alundas Havens

Like, Oh yeah, I don’t have that anymore. I traded on my shit away to be able to get what I needed. So it was one of those is like that’s where that hustler mindset is. Like my dad taught me that move back with my mom. You know, in kind of similar things like she, they were low to middle class.

00:10:34:22 – 00:10:50:15

Alundas Havens

So it was one of those, you know, me and my step bumped heads. So when I was 16, I would hop off my friends couches every single day, you know, switch houses, and I would go home every day. I do my chores. I had good grades, so I was squared away, you know, and then I would leave because I knew I didn’t want to be home.

00:10:50:15 – 00:11:08:01

Alundas Havens

So comes at 18, end up getting kicked out of my house because my dad or my step dad excuse me, he wanted to just go off on his fucking radical beliefs one day. And then he asked me like, what kind of people don’t you like? And I said, I don’t like anybody. And he said, Why? And I go, Because I hate everybody equally, so I just really don’t give a fuck.

00:11:08:01 – 00:11:31:12

Alundas Havens

If you want to talk shit, we can dish it out. And he’s like, Oh, you’re a racist bigot. So yeah, get kicked out of the house, move in with one of my friends, and then my ex calls her mom, gets me to move back in. I wanted to go to the military for that reason because I knew that I needed to get out of my situation, that there was nothing good for me, kind of, you know, with that, you know, was around people that were doing bad shit, not necessarily me, you know.

00:11:31:12 – 00:11:53:20

Alundas Havens

I had a cousin that was strung out on meth and then hung out with, you know, people that were doing shit. So it was like me being smart, trying to figure out how to make money without getting my hands too dirty. And then I thought, like, I need that. Excuse me, I need to be able to get that discipline that’s going to allow me to do what I want to do, like, yes, I went to universities, but I would piss that opportunity away, getting that money for the first time out of like, fuck this.

00:11:54:11 – 00:12:11:12

Alundas Havens

So I went to the Marine Corps from there. That was a blast. You know, finally found my try, excelled, became my own boss, 19, 20 years old, developed a drinking problem. Because when I was home on leave, I said that I thought my mom was having an affair. It was a 10/2 window. So we don’t know what happened.

00:12:11:12 – 00:12:27:16

Alundas Havens

He falls to 45, shoots a 45, misses a centimeter from the dude’s face. Was my wrestling coach. So it was something that I struggled with as well as other trauma from when I was younger. And that was one that like tore up the relationship with me, my mom. And then I was giving her money and she asked my ex for money.

00:12:27:16 – 00:12:44:02

Alundas Havens

So I was like all this crazy shit that had never really healed, you know? So I start fucking drinking one point in time gallon of whiskey because it was just, you know, military is a little bit different. They’re more social drinkers. But like, you know, if I could just just take it outside in your drink it from 10:00 in the morning or 10:00 at night to 4:00 in the morning.

00:12:44:02 – 00:12:58:20

Alundas Havens

Don’t get me wrong, we have had days where it’s 10 to 10. The next day just going crazy, you know what I mean? Took a catnap and back at it. So did that, you know, kind of. It was fucking up relationships. I should have never got married to my wife, to be completely honest. I fucked it all up.

00:12:58:20 – 00:13:11:16

Alundas Havens

Initially I was just drinking, not in the right headspace, you know, breaking up with her, going back to my ex. And then we had a miscarriage and that was where I started taking care of her. And what’s cool is I grew up with my wife, so we knew each other damn well and I was just like, You know what?

00:13:11:16 – 00:13:32:06

Alundas Havens

I can do this. I can be the man that I say I’m going to be. I can take care of her. So from there, that’s kind of what first clicked. So do that. I cherish the cartilage in my right knee, my second year and then third years when I get married to the wife, end up getting out of the Marine Corps because my last three weeks went to medical and I’m running back and forth trying to see if I can get an extension.

00:13:32:13 – 00:13:48:09

Alundas Havens

They’re like, fucking with me. Oh, you can run your physical fitness test. I’m like, I haven’t ran in two years. There’s no way in hell I’m running six miles. So get off. The Marine Corps started getting into cells. Sound these roles that I thought were good for me. You know, home improvement cells, but a straight commission, that was hard.

00:13:48:12 – 00:14:12:21

Alundas Havens

I didn’t know the lingo. I didn’t know how to be close is I was with people that were old school. So they’re smooth talkers. They’re fast. I can’t went to a mortgage brokerage and that’s when I started having more problems because I was doing so much, you know, working on my bachelor’s business management, trying to start a family, getting up early to go to the gym, you know, putting in time on courses on the side, listening to podcast and then was working on my mortgage broker exam.

00:14:12:21 – 00:14:29:17

Alundas Havens

So I fell that three times and I was just like, What the fuck is wrong with me, you know? And my stupid. But it wasn’t that I just had too much on my plate. And I think in that process, before I started that job, my grandfather died. So that was part of it too, was it wasn’t necessarily something was wrong with me.

00:14:29:17 – 00:14:44:20

Alundas Havens

It was just like I was grieving going through it. That was my first thing. My dad stepped down and he was the one who cleaned everything up, you know? So up until the last year of his life, that was where me and him really started getting personal on the same page because he was that peaceful guy, you know?

00:14:44:20 – 00:14:59:15

Alundas Havens

And I’d be like, Fuck out of here, like upset at him. Because if you don’t understand the pain, people hurt me too. But it wasn’t that. He just believed in the best in everyone. So even like my dad would be crazy shit, he’s like, Oh, you know what? He’s all right, you know, that’s your dad. And it was one where, like, he finally understood.

00:15:00:01 – 00:15:18:08

Alundas Havens

He passed away, and I was going crazy how to figure out for myself, you know, how do I become my own man? And then throughout that process, when I first got out the military, I got in a Facebook group for Zach Babcock’s underdog, underdog empowerment. I got ahold of one of his guys that used to be his old president.

00:15:18:13 – 00:15:37:22

Alundas Havens

And from there, you know, built a relationship, got in the mastermind in May. I was working at a job helping other veterans with their VA claims. So very rewarding. It was cool. I was maxed out on my compensation and then I ran into a situation where my nanny that we had, we’re paying 1400 bucks a month. It was going to be 2100 for the whole month.

00:15:37:22 – 00:15:53:11

Alundas Havens

We couldn’t afford it because it would have spread. Austin would have no reserves in from there. What happened was I ended up quitting that job because I let them know and said, Hey, here’s my corrective action plan. I have my daughter. I need to be able to watch her during the day because we don’t have child care anymore.

00:15:53:14 – 00:16:07:11

Alundas Havens

So I was literally holding the second baby in making sales force in my boss comes to me comes sideways. Is your heart still in it? Is this really what you want to do? So I go back to the mastermind. I go, Hey, Zach, you know, this is the shit that happened with my job rolled up and so fucking pissed.

00:16:08:03 – 00:16:25:17

Alundas Havens

The other thing about that company, they’re cool. I love that they help veterans, but they didn’t give a shit about anyone’s mental health in four to do that to veterans even more, you know? I mean, so it was one of those where my boss was working fucking 60, 80 hours as well, and he’s crying about it. And he was just like, Oh, well, you know what I mean?

00:16:25:17 – 00:16:54:02

Alundas Havens

It is what it is. Missions got to get done. So talk to my team. First conversation we had was on core values, and that’s when I was like, Fuck yeah, this is the room I need to be in. So from there we created Alpha Influence Media, helping other alpha podcasters entrepreneurs you to maximize their influence. And that’s where it kind of took off for me was being around those right people getting the recognition for who my partner is and then really just building on that, like I’ve started the podcast a week before my daughter was born last year, November.

00:16:55:11 – 00:17:10:11

Alundas Havens

I started the podcast because I was just like, you know, all these things that happened to me, how I grew up, how I thought, you know, my stepdad almost shooting the coach like that shit brought violence again, you know, and I wanted to fucking come at him in. It was all these things to me that I was just like, I’m fucked up.

00:17:10:12 – 00:17:28:08

Alundas Havens

Kind of like how you said, you know, we have these experiences and we want to be able to inspire other people’s and say, Hey, this is what you can do. So for me, kind of having that podcast real that in and then being able to surround myself and aligned with the right people definitely changed my life around. And it’s one of those for me like had four close friends die.

00:17:28:08 – 00:17:43:11

Alundas Havens

I just had one that passed away the other day and it was one like, Man, that could have been me, you know? So I’m just really grateful that I’ve got through those things and that’s why I’m really passionate about talking about it. It’s like I fucking been there, I’ve been there. You have no money. I’ve been there. Way your family don’t support you.

00:17:43:11 – 00:17:56:06

Alundas Havens

I’ve been there. We’ve been robbed. The money from your own family, like everything you can think of, you know, I’m the guy that no one gives a shit about like you’re like, I have a couple of close friends and family in my family is like, Oh, you don’t like anybody? No, it’s just no one invites me to functions.

00:17:56:06 – 00:18:19:18

Alundas Havens

No one cares, you know what I mean? No one takes that time. So that’s why it was it was that internal switch in my head that I’m like, I don’t need this. I’m better. I can just keep going. But then you run to that point eventually where it’s like, Man, you know, what are my relationships like? So it was awesome, you know, when I started the business because that’s the first conversation, core values that I was able to see like, man, I really got to harness all these things but make sure that I’m really living that.

00:18:19:18 – 00:18:36:11

Alundas Havens

So that’s my main objective now is just building those relationships kind of like with you brother and, and really getting to know people and sharing those experiences because I feel like when we do that then people are like, Man, you’ve been through shit, you know, you get it done. Somebody thinks the way I do because I know for a long period of fuckin time it was very difficult.

00:18:36:11 – 00:18:53:11

Alundas Havens

And even when I talked to my mom, I didn’t know what articulate it voluntarily came out was like. I didn’t get through all the trauma and shit I needed to get to, so that’s why I wasn’t able to talk and why I was sitting down and having these, you know, outbursts and being reactive. And it wasn’t something was wrong with me or wasn’t that I’m an introvert and can’t click with people.

00:18:53:16 – 00:19:09:22

Alundas Havens

It’s just I’m all about energy. So if you’re talking about bullshit and drinking, why don’t really drink as much anymore? So it’s like, yeah, I can do it socially, but I’m not going to be there. Just pounding beers and being that guy I used to be, you know? So that’s that’s a little bit about me. That’s why I put that time around, brother.

00:19:09:22 – 00:19:13:23

Nick McGowan

Then how much time where we are now you get through that.

00:19:14:02 – 00:19:15:21

Alundas Havens

A 12 minutes.

00:19:16:21 – 00:19:33:15

Nick McGowan

Nice. Well, men, as you’re going through it, you’re, you’re hitting on different things where I’m thinking, holy shit, there’s a lot just within some of those pieces. And you’re like, Yeah. And then he shot a gun that basically went right past his head and that fuck things up and then I tore my leg or something. I’m like, How the fuck did we get here?

00:19:34:00 – 00:19:35:05

Nick McGowan

Like, you’re just going from bit.

00:19:35:15 – 00:19:38:08

Alundas Havens

That’s what I told you. It’s so like you.

00:19:38:08 – 00:20:05:02

Nick McGowan

So it’s everybody that’s listening. You’re probably going to have to go back and listen to at least the first 20 minutes of this to be able to get that and then just slow it down a bit. But for the rest of this episode, I want to kind of peel out some of that stuff because as you and I both know, having these conversations and even the internal fucking conversations that we have with ourselves to be able to fix ourselves and make sure that we’re good, most all of it stems back to childhood trauma.

00:20:06:04 – 00:20:19:10

Nick McGowan

It’s not like something that happened in your twenties or thirties that really, really, really fucked you up. Unless it was crazy traumatic because most of it is stemming from when you were six or seven or when something crazy happened.

00:20:19:15 – 00:20:28:00

Alundas Havens

Yeah. I love how you said that, cause I heard something yesterday, and it was about that. It was like everything that happened in the first seven years develops who you are as a person.

00:20:28:00 – 00:20:56:06

Nick McGowan

And it’s wild to actually really let that sit in and like, set into who you are. Because if you really think about it, the person you are now at the core of who you are was created back then. And if you get to the problems, the bullshit that you’re still working on, that you’re still going through now I’m not even talking about the things you’re talking to your friends or mastermind group about, but even the stuff that is part of your secret life that you go through, it probably all comes from that childhood trauma, right?

00:20:56:16 – 00:21:12:22

Alundas Havens

Absolutely. So when I really looked at it and that’s why I said, you know, I should never got married, I was being addicted, you know what I mean? Like I was going back to my ex and drinking and partying because when I party, I become the cause dude in the room, you know what I mean? I become I actually said this on Facebook today.

00:21:12:22 – 00:21:27:02

Alundas Havens

I said, I try to be I turn into fucking Hulk Hogan and Macho Man. You know, I’m like, Oh, yeah, brother. And get that whole thing going. So everybody’s like, Oh, we fucking love this guy. And I’m that guy, you know what I mean? So it was like, Why did I get that way? Why did that? Because maybe my dad has that.

00:21:27:02 – 00:21:45:07

Alundas Havens

And that’s exactly it’s the generational curse, you know, like something should happen to them. So we went down and that my mom, you know, on the other hand, daddy’s girl. So he gave her what she wanted. She acted the way. So she needs power over people. And it’s it’s one of those where it’s like, where’s the accountability come from?

00:21:45:07 – 00:22:00:18

Alundas Havens

And for me, too, big things, you know, it’s like they can’t fucking be accountable. So to this day, I don’t have relationships with my parents like that because they can’t hold themselves accountable and really stick to it and be about the shit they’re saying they’re going to do. I catch them lying. They don’t want to do it. They want to point the fucking finger.

00:22:00:18 – 00:22:20:04

Alundas Havens

They they don’t they want to cross the boundaries. So like earlier I told you, I was talking to a therapist and it was one of those and I’m like some people, don’t you set boundaries and they just keep violating them. And then we’re the problem when we have when we say enough is enough, you know, so it was that it was, you know, as a young kid, my daddy beat the shit out of me when he was drunk and I fucking look at him.

00:22:20:04 – 00:22:38:23

Alundas Havens

I knew. So I was smart, you know? Good thing, right? I was able to be observant. I’m over the observing and I can look at situations and know how to survive. Bad thing. That’s also bad because I over judge override situations if I don’t know definitely with people you know what I mean is I picture you shit up so it’s like that.

00:22:38:23 – 00:22:54:15

Alundas Havens

And then the environment that I grew up in with like walking down the street and looking at somebody crazy. Now you guys are fighting it. Kind of like when I met certain people, it was like, What the fuck this dude say to me? And it’s just like tonality, you know? So it’s funny. It’s like me and my partner, Tim were talking about that.

00:22:54:15 – 00:23:08:01

Alundas Havens

He’s like, You have a tonality problem, but you were in the military and we’re successful. And I said, Yes, I know. The difference is when it’s somebody of higher stature, I know not to talk back to him, but if it’s someone lower, I’ll jump all over him, you know? And I’m like, That was my problem as a leader.

00:23:08:01 – 00:23:25:14

Alundas Havens

So it was identifying those things, like you said, like all of that shit as a child came out when I got married. Why? Because I really don’t care about family, you know what I mean? I didn’t have that. You know, I care about my immediate family and doing everything I can. But I look at your values, relationships, what you’re doing.

00:23:26:04 – 00:23:42:09

Alundas Havens

If you’re talking shit about other people all the time that I want nothing to do with you, or if you’re just like, Oh, watching Netflix or Oh, talking about bullshit all the time, I can’t, you know, associating in click my brain doesn’t work that way. So it’s one of those things where I had to identify with myself, like, why am I such an asshole to people?

00:23:42:14 – 00:23:54:15

Alundas Havens

Probably because they just want to drink and they just want to bullshit instead of having the conversations like me and you are, which is completely different because in this case, like, I could have a drink and then you could socialize and have a good time versus like other times where she’s like getting hammered, you know?

00:23:55:09 – 00:24:13:07

Nick McGowan

Yeah, it’s a it’s an interesting point because I think I think as you get older and you realize that I have to change the people that I’m around because they’re changing who I am and how I act around other people. When you start to step out of those circles and you get a little older, it can be really weird to go back to those circles.

00:24:13:18 – 00:24:31:19

Nick McGowan

And even if you’re just viewing the circles, you’re like, Oh, I don’t want to be any part of this. But I also find it super strange because I do this and I’m just being raw where you just instantly judge and then you’ve got to be able to pull yourself back and be like, Oh, who the fuck am I to judge but still have that balance?

00:24:31:19 – 00:24:51:21

Nick McGowan

Where you don’t just fall headfirst back into that sort of stuff. So how do you still love on those people, but love on them from a distance without judging? And what sort of advice would you give somebody that there are other people that are like us that go through that shit where they’re like, I don’t want to be part of that, but I also don’t want to tell them all to go fuck off and die.

00:24:51:21 – 00:24:58:21

Alundas Havens

Yeah, I love that. Yeah, I used to do that stuff. People go either did that I realized.

00:24:59:01 – 00:25:00:12

Nick McGowan

Or a whole bag. Whatever you want.

00:25:00:14 – 00:25:21:04

Alundas Havens

Yeah I can’t be just telling them that honestly, what I grew and this is something I learned. Young one of my friends, they sleep on this fucking couch all the time. And when I started, you know, getting into self-development and, and working on myself and I got in the military’s like you changed in you don’t like this and that and it’s like, man, I just outgrew the shell.

00:25:21:04 – 00:25:47:07

Alundas Havens

Like, I see everybody do the same shit for the past 20 years. Why the fuck would I want to repeat that? You know what I mean? Why? Why am I crying about a fucking money problem when it’s my lazy ass that doesn’t want to put in the work after work and shit like that? If there is no money problems, you know, like honestly the really if you’re not at a position where you’re, you know, not able to if you’re able to work or that’s that’s an excuse and that’s an excuse, but that’s a disability.

00:25:47:07 – 00:26:05:06

Alundas Havens

And that’s why, you know, but if you physically can fucking work and get your ass out there, you know, and that’s the way I perceive it. So I mean, one of my friends, you know, stopped being cool and I was just like, you know what? At this time we’re not aligning and we’re not on that same page. So I’m no longer going to be pressing my energy towards you and working on that like, I love you from a distance, but that’s it.

00:26:05:06 – 00:26:21:07

Alundas Havens

You know, some people I’ll get slapped, but I wasted so much energy doing that, you know? So now I’m just like, man, we’re not seeing eye to eye in that. It’s not, I don’t like you. It’s just like, man, I got my own shit. I got a daughter now, you know what I mean? Everything I do, she’s a to go off and watch because I’ve seen this shit, you know, me.

00:26:21:08 – 00:26:39:19

Alundas Havens

And so it’s like, if I can’t be that, if I can’t do that, like one of the things and it really brought perspective to me, it’s like I’m in a mastermind and it’s about being a better father and better husband. And everybody talks about like a couple of the guys in there, they don’t have fathers. So they say, like, I wish as a kid, like my father would be there at the games like I was I was the opposite.

00:26:39:23 – 00:26:52:15

Alundas Havens

My dad was to my ass out. You’re fucking shit, you fucking suck. Wake the fuck up. And it was just like I hated him for that, you know what I mean? He drove me to hate sports, so it’s like, I understand that. So obviously I’m not going to be that to my kids. And I know how it is.

00:26:52:15 – 00:27:06:22

Alundas Havens

Like when when your parents say, Oh, I’m going to stop drinking and then you catch them with a beer and they’re like, Oh, that’s one beer, one beer. Turning in the next ten years. And like, I’ve been there, you know what I mean? So that’s why I say, like, you’ve really got to be cognizant of who you have around you.

00:27:07:04 – 00:27:28:22

Alundas Havens

But again, you know, like that quote says, like, you’re the sum of the five, the best five people around you. It’s absolutely true, because if you’re around fuck ups or you’re around people that aren’t doing what you want to do, it’s not going to bring you anything. But when you take that and you get around the right people or, you know, in my case, like and I know you could speak for it to like interviewing six figure, seven figure entrepreneurs, like they care about relationships.

00:27:28:22 – 00:27:53:01

Alundas Havens

They care about what we’re talking about in healing the shit we’re talking about, because that’s way more value than learning business, because you can always learn business, you can scale your business, you can make how much money you want, but it’s never going to solve those problems. Me and you were having if we never healed them. And that’s one of those that I was like, man, you know, spoke to me because it’s like, yeah, you know, I was doing the same shit my parents were doing and I was complaining about it and it’s like fucking change, you know?

00:27:53:01 – 00:27:58:06

Alundas Havens

So I made it a priority to change. I made it a priority, you know, to be the man I say I am.

00:27:58:06 – 00:28:29:09

Nick McGowan

Yeah. That’s big time, man. And the accountability on your on your own is huge. But you also touched on the awareness, like if you’re not aware of the problems, then how the fuck are you supposed to do anything about any of the problems because you’re unaware of it. So if you think of you being aware of it and then starting to actually make those changes, I want to call out the audience because I know that there are people listen to the show that are actively going through that, that are in that kind of metamorphosis phase, in a sense, where they’re growing into that next level.

00:28:29:20 – 00:28:49:00

Nick McGowan

And not to say like this is a tier system sort of thing, but you and I both know that you go through different levels of growth, different awakenings, where you’re like, Holy shit, the world just opened up and now I’m doing these things that initial wake up. When you start to look at the friends group and the people that are part of your life, and you start to shift them out, that can be tough for those people.

00:28:49:04 – 00:29:05:09

Nick McGowan

I know it was tough for me being in that spot where they’re like, Why fuck you, you think you’re better than me? It’s like, No, I. I don’t know what to think. I’m just trying not to just drink my face off constantly or just live here and do this thing. But being in those spots can be difficult for those people.

00:29:05:09 – 00:29:12:06

Nick McGowan

So to look back at what you had done as you went through that, what sort of advice would you give somebody that’s actively in that space right now?

00:29:12:11 – 00:29:32:02

Alundas Havens

So I’m going to do two. I’m going to give you a example that happened to me and that gave me perspective, and I’m going to say it. So I’d say in that case, you know, look at it and look at what the person is doing. And I know you mentioned judgmental. Not everybody judges. You’re always going to judge you judge off actions, you judge off whatever.

00:29:32:02 – 00:30:00:06

Alundas Havens

And that’s what I’m really about. So the example I was on deployment out in Kuwait and one of my fucking dumb fuck friends and this is why I stopped cooking with him. He’s the one I told you. He’s from Delaware. This guy loves that. It’s just fucking idiot, right? And the reason why I see that is he says the dumbest shit and, like, if you were to get in trouble, he points the fucking finger in that, you know, so he doesn’t make weight.

00:30:00:10 – 00:30:14:01

Alundas Havens

Right. So that is a problem. That is a him problem because I didn’t fucking make him eat that fucking Philly cheesesteak or whatever the fuck he ate when he went home, you know, and, and wah wah. Because he always talked about how great that is and.

00:30:14:19 – 00:30:16:00

Nick McGowan

That is a staple there. Yeah.

00:30:16:19 – 00:30:35:08

Alundas Havens

Yeah, yeah. So you he would say that, but so this guy doesn’t make weight. So we’re in the smoke that one day because my boss was smoking a cigaret and then she’s like, Hey, pres, get over here. And the first thing this dude goes is Havens is fat. And I’m just like, Man, what the fuck? You know? And then her, she pulled me aside after, why are you friends with that guy?

00:30:35:20 – 00:30:53:09

Alundas Havens

And I’m like, Oh, because we’re cool and like, we’re the same rank. And she’s like, There’s no fucking reason in any world that you should be cool with him. She’s like, He just pointed the finger at you in that. And she and what he didn’t know was, I lost £25 when I got out there because I went on a six week fucking drinking binge every single day before deployment.

00:30:53:09 – 00:31:08:20

Alundas Havens

And it was very fun, but it was not fun losing the way in the heat out there and just fucking having the thick swagger and I fucking hate it. That’s one thing I hate about alcohol is just like the thick sweats, you know? I mean, when it comes out, you.

00:31:08:20 – 00:31:15:10

Nick McGowan

Know, what a gross thing. You’re totally right. But what a gross thing where you’re like, it feels sappy. This isn’t right.

00:31:16:08 – 00:31:32:16

Alundas Havens

Yeah. And then you took a shower and you still feel like shit and still are sweating. So, yeah, that brought perspective to me because it really showed life in that, you know, I had some friends like that back home, so forth. And I have one, one do that like I lived on this couch and I can do anything for him.

00:31:32:22 – 00:31:47:08

Alundas Havens

And it’s still true that to this day, because he makes it a priority to check up on me and I make the same thing for him. When we had a miscarriage, she was there, you know, when we had birthday parties. He has a he has a daughter, too, that’s like four years older than mine. So we make it a priority, you know.

00:31:47:08 – 00:32:08:11

Alundas Havens

So it’s really separate in that. But you got to look at what people are doing. And it’s like after drinking all the time, if they’re saying that, you know, if they’re saying they’re going to be good or, you know, maybe they’re like, oh, I’m going to settle down and they’re out here hooking up with everybody and then they’re giving you bad relationship advice, or in my case, like going to divorce people, asking for marriage advice, like, I don’t know what the fuck I was thinking for that.

00:32:08:16 – 00:32:29:12

Alundas Havens

Now it sounds so foolish, you know, but I thought maybe if their shit’s not going right, they’re going to give me good solutions to fix mine. Yeah, that was wrong, you know, so it’s really judging in in what you’re doing. You know, you have to gauge it and you have to see where they’re at and you have to see, you know, like I’m over here writing a paper and somebody tell me if I can square for reading a book on my off time.

00:32:29:12 – 00:32:41:18

Alundas Havens

And it’s just like, man, I harness all my energy. I’m working my ass off to make this happen, making my dreams happen. So, yes, you know, I am a square. I’m not going to get out any more. I’m doing this. But then you’re looking at your friends, you’re like, all they’re doing is partying and the bitching about their situation.

00:32:41:23 – 00:32:58:02

Alundas Havens

Probably you shouldn’t be around them, but then when you get around the right people, it’s going to be weird initially because they’re they’re strangers and you’re getting to know them. But at the same time, it’s awesome because you guys are able to create that value and then you’re able to be like, Man, I’m not fucking crazy. I just was a wrong and the wrong people.

00:32:58:09 – 00:33:12:13

Alundas Havens

And you’re able to share those stories and I’m able to share my story with people like Man, that resonates. I’ve been through shit like that and I’m like, You’ve been like my whole life. I can talk to people, and if my family’s made me feel crazy about it and they’ve been like, Oh, you need fucking therapy. So 20 years of therapy.

00:33:12:19 – 00:33:31:04

Alundas Havens

And it’s like, I still can’t, you know, I mean, be able to talk to certain people about things because they don’t understand it. So it’s like when you get around those right people, it’s going to feel weird, but just keep doing what you got to do because again, you know, you’re not working on those old people and not that, you know, it’s kind of like the people.

00:33:31:11 – 00:33:48:01

Alundas Havens

Perfect example. I was talking to the seven figure millionaire yesterday, Tony Whitely, and he said he’s like, do you ever post pictures of you being at the gym and putting in work? And I was like, No, he’s like, you should. And I was like, Why? He goes, Because you’re trying to tap into and motivate those people who need it.

00:33:48:10 – 00:34:07:19

Alundas Havens

So he’s like those people that don’t, you can like tell them Fuck off, you know what I mean? And if they want to be like, Oh, you’re a douche bag you post at the gym, probably because they’re acting in the gym. And I’m like, Yeah, that’s really good, you know what I mean? And it’s absolutely true because think about it, when you started your group, your career, and you started sales and you started your podcast, people probably were like, Why are you doing that, man?

00:34:07:19 – 00:34:32:06

Alundas Havens

Like with the files up with the podcast? Oh, that’s cool. You know, start laughing because everybody’s doing a podcast now and you’re just like, Yeah, but you’re not extracting that growth. You’re not getting better is what they don’t see you actually doing and what’s you’re passionate about. And I feel like that’s why, you know, a lot of things are gatekeeping and shit that people don’t break out of it or my grandfather died, I got a fucking Rolling Stones tattoo and I had a panic attack.

00:34:32:06 – 00:34:44:11

Alundas Havens

Obviously, I had it because I knew somebody was gonna see some racist shit in house at the mortgage brokerage. And this dude was like, Oh, I guess he’s like you got a Rolling Stone statue. And yeah, I’m actually into a band, see, right here. And it’s like, Oh, I guess black people don’t. Black folk don’t like you are.

00:34:44:21 – 00:34:58:08

Alundas Havens

And I was just like, yeah, like I was pissed, you know, to me, cause I knew someone would say some shit like that. And I’m like, Actually, they do. I was like, Well, my grandfather died. He took care of me. He’s actually a Italian guy. So that’s kind of what’s funny, you know what I mean? And I was like, Yeah, we’re different colors, but that’s it.

00:34:58:08 – 00:35:20:21

Alundas Havens

And I was like, But what you don’t know is like, Do you want to go fucking hip hop or rap artist? I can go any single genre and talk about it. I can talk about how I love fucking anything from back that Run-D.M.C., all that shit, N.W.A. And then I can talk about new things and I can talk about how I’m a fucking metalhead, and that’s why I’m good with people, because I can talk about a lot of shit in music besides country.

00:35:21:00 – 00:35:23:23

Alundas Havens

I don’t like that. So that sounds just like some of the dude.

00:35:24:02 – 00:35:25:18

Nick McGowan

That you and me both, man. Yeah.

00:35:26:03 – 00:35:42:00

Alundas Havens

Yeah. So it’s like, adding perspective is like, not everybody’s for you. It’s realizing instead of being reactive and wanting to fight with them like I would of it was a big step for me to be like, Yo, just fuck this guy. He doesn’t mean anything. He’s not holding any real estate in my head. I’m in it so I can make it happen.

00:35:42:05 – 00:36:08:09

Nick McGowan

So let’s take a little bit of a step outside of that. I in some ways, I’m a little jealous right now of the audience because they get to listen to this and be that third person hearing me, hearing you and going back and forth. And they can think of things outside of us. But if we look from their perspective or even a little further from that and be able to look at what happened, those people that are typically shitty people have shitty things going on because they’re making those shitty decisions.

00:36:08:12 – 00:36:38:00

Nick McGowan

Now, granted, we all make terrible decisions at times and some of that’s just how you learn. You grow. There’s certain people that will make decisions over and over and over and they don’t understand why things aren’t changing, which is basically the definition of insanity. But then they’ll try to pull other people down. But if we take that look from the outside perspective and look at these people, any sort of feel you give them or any sort of attention you give them is almost just a waste of your time, but can be a big ego push.

00:36:38:07 – 00:36:55:10

Nick McGowan

So have you found that there are times where your ego is kind of swelling out? You’re like, Fuck this guy. I want to tell him five different ways to go fuck himself or whatever. But that’s really not you. It’s an ego thing. So how do you pull that back without fucking tearing the guy’s head off or playing his bullshit game that you really just don’t need to play?

00:36:56:03 – 00:37:12:11

Alundas Havens

No, it’s funny. You know, I would have answered this and been like, oh, ego, this or that. And now I got better perspective. My, my mentor, his business partner, he just dropped episode yesterday talking about Ryan Holiday’s book how he says ego is the enemy. It’s egos, not the enemy. And I was like, what? You know what I mean?

00:37:13:10 – 00:37:29:18

Alundas Havens

Why? Ego is good. No. Excuse me let’s go to bat for so yeah there is sometimes you want to say fuck off, right? But at the same time you’re no better than them. If you were to tell them to fuck off why they’re getting reaction out of you. Perfect example. I work my fucking ass off to be the best that I can be.

00:37:30:00 – 00:37:43:21

Alundas Havens

I worked my ass off so I don’t want to fight people, but my dad says some shit. You know, I want to fight that all the time and that’s something I want to do. Why? Because he kicked my ass and now you kick my ass. But I can. I can fight back, you know what I mean? So it’s like all those.

00:37:43:21 – 00:37:56:08

Alundas Havens

You know what I mean? We drew nice on each other. And Christmas time when you like. He wanted to fuck with me and I was just like, I’m not the one to be fucked with. And it was one of those everybody’s like, Oh my, you changed. I’m like, Nah, I just threw the fuck up. Like, I will die behind what I stand for, you know?

00:37:56:08 – 00:38:13:20

Alundas Havens

And I and I mean that literally. So it’s one of those, you know what I mean? You got to do it goes good because it keeps us alive and we’re able to know it in ego’s good. When we got to hustle, we got to make it happen for ourselves. And when we realize that we got some fucking problems we got to work on, that’s your ego, you know what I mean?

00:38:14:12 – 00:38:26:00

Alundas Havens

Your ego is the one person you need to be like, Hey, man, you got to get those reps in. You got to fucking do this yourselves. Guys want it. So it’s like, I got to make these phone calls even though I don’t want to do it. That’s your ego pushing you because you know how bad ass you are.

00:38:26:00 – 00:38:38:05

Alundas Havens

You know what you’ve been through to get there. You know what I mean? So it’s like I would say the biggest portion is just not giving those people what they want because like you said, they’re going to drag you down. They got some they got their own shit they need to figure out. And that’s like even my stepdad.

00:38:38:05 – 00:38:51:07

Alundas Havens

Like I wanted revenge, you know what I mean? I wanted him to feel the pain I did. My brother and sister got woken up by the SWAT team and it was like I wanted him to feel it, you know what I mean? I was walking by when he got arrested that night and he was just like, Yeah, that guy’s Mexican.

00:38:51:07 – 00:39:06:05

Alundas Havens

I didn’t know if he had a gun saying racist shit. And I turned and the cop grabbed me. You know what? I mean? It was like, Let’s go in. I just wanted to fuck them up, you know? And it was like, That’s ego, you know what I mean? But harnessing it hand is realizing that, bro, the shit you got going on, you need fucking hell.

00:39:06:06 – 00:39:19:00

Alundas Havens

You know what I mean? So if it’s God, if it’s whatever you believe in. Yeah, you like you got shit, there’s worse shit in your life then. Obviously in my life because I don’t want to go out here shooting things. And even if my wife were to cheat on me, I’d be like, peace. You know what I mean?

00:39:19:05 – 00:39:34:09

Alundas Havens

I’m not going to react that way because I know that’s not what I want in in that, you know what I mean? So it’s one of those like we can say, like, I don’t get this or I don’t get how people think this. Besides, I don’t get how people like fucking medium well steaks. Yeah. Like that’s not it.

00:39:34:09 – 00:39:37:14

Alundas Havens

Well, well done. You know what I mean? I don’t get those people.

00:39:37:23 – 00:39:45:09

Nick McGowan

That’s a whole different story. Those people that already killed the thing that has been killed, that should be bloody on your plate. Why are you killing it?

00:39:46:10 – 00:40:04:20

Alundas Havens

Yeah, I don’t. I don’t get those people. But when we’re talking about, you know, filtering in and just not giving people that power over us and shit, like, that’s fucking huge. And I seen a mike Tyson quote. I ended with that. Mike Tyson talked about that, and they were like he was talking about like violence. And he’s really against violence now because of how he grew up and whatever.

00:40:05:02 – 00:40:19:18

Alundas Havens

And he was just like, Yeah, oh, because I think it was Le’Veon Bell who was talking to him. Somebody was talking to him and they were just like, Yeah, if somebody crosses me, I say, Fuck you, and that’s it. I want nothing to do with you. You’re cut off. And I just cut people off, too, you know what I mean?

00:40:19:23 – 00:40:37:16

Alundas Havens

And Mike Tyson responding was like, well, then you’re changing yourself for that person. That person is changing you. You’re never going to be the same because every single time you’re going to react differently, no matter how much work you put in, you reacted different. You let them win and it’s like they own you. And I was like, Fuck, dude.

00:40:37:16 – 00:40:51:14

Alundas Havens

Like, that is true. I’m getting pissed at these people and I’m getting pissed like they don’t respect me. I demand respect. How the fuck do you get respect? You got to you got to give it. You know what I mean? You got to show it off. I’m over here doing that shit, man. I’m telling you to live a good life.

00:40:51:19 – 00:41:11:12

Alundas Havens

How are you going to live a good life if you can’t even own your shit in handle people accordingly? You know what I mean? So now I don’t even do that on my bro piece, you know what I mean? Yeah. So. So that’s why I was following up with the ego in saying that, you know, that’s why we get reactive beings to this emotional context behind it that we’re trying to feel.

00:41:11:12 – 00:41:14:22

Alundas Havens

But essentially we’re not when we’re not being ourselves and not do what we need to do.

00:41:15:10 – 00:41:36:02

Nick McGowan

Yeah. Makes sense. I find it interesting how we can look at things differently from different perspectives, and I’ve always kind of liked looking at things from a third party because I know I can see it from my side. I could potentially see it from your side, but what the fuck does this look like from the outside? And how can I sit in that spot and be able to look at that?

00:41:36:02 – 00:41:54:00

Nick McGowan

So even when we look at ego or really anything, there’s so many different layers and levels and different surfaces, even insides to it that somebody can look at it from one angle and it can be a little different. I think it’s really how we use it, what we do with it, any and all things are for the most part, a tool for us to be able to use, but we got to find that balance.

00:41:54:08 – 00:42:11:13

Nick McGowan

And it sounds like you found some of that balance as you’ve gone through. And I’m sure there are moments where you’ve you’ve been like, you know what, dude, fuck you and fuck everybody else, blah, blah, blah. And then you pull back and you’re like, That was probably not the best way to go about that. But then you learn from the next for the next experience and being able to kind of go from there.

00:42:11:19 – 00:42:22:22

Nick McGowan

So we’ve gone through a lot of stuff on this show, man, and I appreciate you being on and walking through all this. What sort of advice would you give somebody that’s on their path towards self-mastery?

00:42:23:23 – 00:42:52:05

Alundas Havens

I’m going to say core values and I’m going to give an example of the core values. So for me, first, two core values I have is true to self and self reflection. I keep those separate for one reason true to self. You’ve got to really be at peace with what you’re doing and who you’re becoming. So for me, that’s fucking looking through the mirror and the self reflection parts of the journaling and it’s fucking writing it on a piece of paper and it’s having the conversations like mean you are having that outlet and realizing, you know what, it’s to not be okay, it’s okay to be upset.

00:42:52:05 – 00:43:08:18

Alundas Havens

It’s get it process emotion, it’s okay for that, you know, it’s okay that maybe you thought some way or like for example, you know, a lot of people, they have anxiety, they have depression, but then their parents don’t believe that shit because that and that didn’t exist when their parents were younger. So it’s like their parents don’t mean to argue with them.

00:43:08:18 – 00:43:23:13

Alundas Havens

They just don’t understand that, you know? I mean, so you’ve got to figure out some way to convey that message. But that was something I went through as well, where I’m like, I feel depressed, you know, why do I feel depressed? I don’t know. You know what I mean? And then it was really like all these things were bothering me, the relationships, the not getting respect, stuff like that.

00:43:23:13 – 00:43:50:21

Alundas Havens

So honing to your core values, figure out what’s important to you. So for me, it’s true to self self-reflection and transparency, holding yourself accountable, adaptability, learning and application. And I use those every single day. You know, I hold myself to that standard, I look at it and I make sure that I’m transparent with it. So I’m going on this podcast and I’m telling you what’s on that’s why I like transparency too, and make it a fact.

00:43:50:21 – 00:44:05:04

Alundas Havens

It’s like, Yeah, I could, I can, I can put those first 3 to 1. But at the same time it’s like, no, I make sure it’s a step because I need to be able to convey that message. I need to be able to tell you, Hey, you got to adapt. Sometimes you got to do shit on the fly like we’re talking about friends.

00:44:05:20 – 00:44:24:13

Alundas Havens

It’s adapting, you know? I mean, it’s learning to be comfortable. When you’re not comfortable learning from the new environment, you just learn something. So now we get to apply it, you know what I mean? We got to put this evidence in. We got to put some more, if I can, researching. We’ve got to make sure that if we read a book, you know, you take the one thing take the one thing from this podcast that’s going to help you get to where you want to be.

00:44:26:08 – 00:44:34:08

Nick McGowan

Absolutely. That’s great stuff. So again, I appreciate you being on the show. Where can people find the company? Where can they find the podcast? Tell us your links.

00:44:34:23 – 00:44:52:12

Alundas Havens

Absolutely, brother. So I’ll send you the link for my landing page if they want to book a call and be able to get connected so we can get them aligned with the right shows. And then my podcast, it’s easy now it’s the winners paradigm dot com. So you can go on there. You can see my blogs that I post, you can be able to listen to podcast, look at our guest.

00:44:52:12 – 00:45:12:03

Alundas Havens

I’m going to have you on as well because I love to interview you. You know, we had a great conversation. So good and bad, bad thing you know, you signed up for. We’ll have a couple episodes together so in man but yeah man you just hit me up there on social is the winners paradigm and yeah I really just like diving in on this on Facebook.

00:45:12:09 – 00:45:21:15

Alundas Havens

I dove in every single day in these things and talk about mindset and and kind of where I’m at, you know, in the journey. So people know they’re not alone. They can overcome their shit. They just got to do a little bit of work.

00:45:22:02 – 00:45:37:07

Nick McGowan

And that’s awesome, man. And all those are links will be in the show notes, everybody. So feel free to check those subscribe and go check out his show as well. And at some point there will be another conversation with he and I on that show and probably back on this one. So again, I love this. It’s been awesome to have you on, man.

00:45:37:13 – 00:45:40:02

Nick McGowan

I appreciate it. And I’ll talk to you soon.

00:45:40:20 – 00:45:41:15

Alundas Havens

Talk to you, brother.

00:45:42:14 – 00:46:05:06

Nick McGowan

Another great conversation on today’s episode, The Mindset and Self-mastery Show. So what did you think of the show today? Love to hear your thoughts. Check out the Instagram or Facebook page to join the conversation. If you enjoyed the episode, please jump over to iTunes and subscribe rate and leave a five star review. It helps us be found and helps others be healed.

00:46:05:19 – 00:46:26:11

Nick McGowan

If this episode Open Your Eyes made you think or smile at all, and I’m sure it’ll do the same for your friends. Check out the show notes for more info from today’s episode and check out other episodes on the Mindset and Self-mastery show e-comm as well as our YouTube channel. Just go to YouTube and look up the mindset and self-mastery show.

00:46:27:02 – 00:46:50:09

Nick McGowan

Thanks again to our incredible guests for being real, honest and vulnerable with us today. I’d like to thank our sponsors, the Manly Club, and the Powerhouse men, brotherhood men. You consider yourself to be a powerhouse man. The criteria for becoming one is simple live with virtue and do good work. You see, a powerhouse man builds his life. He doesn’t settle for it.

00:46:50:17 – 00:47:19:12

Nick McGowan

He attacks mediocrity at the root. And that’s exactly what we do in the powerhouse men brotherhood visit powerhouse men dot com. That’s p0werhouse men dot com. And most importantly, I’d like to thank you thank you for hanging out with us today. Your support means the world to us. And with that, remember, your mindset matters. And so do you.