In Episode 4, Kim answers listener questions about self-esteem, identity, people-pleasing, and how to build a sense of self without losing connection to others.

This episode explores how self-esteem is formed early in life, why people-pleasing and conflict avoidance feel safer than honesty, and how avoiding discomfort slowly erodes integrity, intimacy, and identity. Kim breaks down impostor syndrome in plain language, reframes comparison culture, and offers practical ways to build happiness, self-care, and self-trust both while single and in relationships.

The throughline of this episode is learning how to be your own anchor rather than outsourcing worth, happiness, or direction to other people.

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00:00 – Listener questions preview • Being your own source of happiness while dating • Practicing self-love in a relationship • Constant comparison to others

00:00:33 – Introduction: self-esteem, identity, and impostor syndrome 01:02 – What impostor syndrome is and what it isn't 01:30 – Why impostor syndrome isn't a DSM diagnosis 01:58 – How impostor syndrome impacts self-esteem 02:44 – Self-doubt, comparison, and inner dialogue

03:10 – How self-esteem is formed early in life 03:36 – People-pleasing as a response to insecurity 04:01 – Why people-pleasing is transactional, not kind 04:55 – Resentment, manipulation, and emotional cost 05:18 – Conflict avoidance and long-term damage 06:15 – Losing integrity through silence 06:40 – Identity loss in long-term relationships 07:00 – Conflict avoidance at family and community levels 08:23 – Regret, bitterness, and the cost of not speaking up 08:43 – Learning communication and confrontation as skills 09:09 – Integrity as the foundation of healthy relationships

09:19 – Question 1: Being your own source of happiness 09:59 – Why many people don't know what makes them happy 10:22 – Tuning out your own needs to care for others 11:16 – Finding purpose through community 12:10 – Experimentation and trial-and-error while single 12:36 – Removing fear of rejection from self-discovery 13:00 – Using your past as a happiness blueprint 13:29 – Separating happiness from romantic partners 14:19 – The importance of platonic friendships 14:47 – Practicing vulnerability and repair with friends 15:19 – Why friendships strengthen romantic relationships

16:19 – Question 2: Practicing self-love and self-care in a relationship 16:57 – Defining what self-care actually means to you 17:20 – Why knowing what you need isn't enough 17:43 – People-pleasing and difficulty asking for care 18:05 – Self-care as boundary-setting 18:26 – Fear of tending to your own emotions 19:17 – Avoidance, trauma, and disconnection from the body 20:08 – Why self-care goes deeper than surface habits

20:50 – Question 3: Constant comparison to others 21:16 – Social media and distorted comparison 22:18 – Curated lives and emotional disconnection 23:05 – Edited identities and blocked intimacy 23:46 – Objectification and fantasy thinking 24:07 – CBT tools for interrupting comparison 25:01 – Using comparison as motivation instead of shame 25:39 – Healthy role models and mentorship 26:22 – Community, collaboration, and shared growth

27:34 – Closing reflections and final quote

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This episode is especially relevant if you feel disconnected from yourself, struggle with people-pleasing, or find your self-worth rising and falling based on comparison or approval.

Kim's website: https://www.kimpolinder.com/

Kim's Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/kp_counseling/

Kim's YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@engineeringlovepodcast