I have an untold number of drafts that I have started and then lost momentum or maybe, honestly, I felt scared of my own vulnerability, too scared to share.

I had a moment where I know I was really riding my own wave and it felt amazing and then life happens/people happen and rejection sensitivity spikes and negative thought patterns take over which I know now, can also just be projections from those surrounding you who have tried to break you, in the same way intentionally or unintentionally they have broken others, discerning that spiritual interception is important.

I needed time to pause.

I needed to create time for myself.

The energy of the city is infectious and to me it isn’t in a good way, from what I see it drives people into sickness and yet its so easy to get swept away in, even I find myself on occassion, in this great rush to push forward and I forget to take a moment to be present where I am, even if where I am has come with challenges I not only didn’t expect but never realised the way of living I have witnessed, is a reality for some.

I have felt like, what I am expressing is falling on deaf ears, which is awfully triggering but wouldn’t be the first instance in my life and yet so often this is the case when people are not experiencing what you are and actually this experience has taught me to stand on business. Follow through with the actions I need to and whilst I can have compassion, I mustn’t allow my compassion and empathy to pull the wool over my eyes, I have had to stay present and call it what it is. Exhausting.

Not only exhausting to journey through but living with Complex PTSD is already a trip and so when circumstances beyond ones control arise, its painful, I feel literal pain in my body because I do not have any control of how other Human Beings choose to behave and of course, on some level I have always understood this but growing up, I was the fixer anything could be solved if you pour enough love into it and whilst I know love changes many things I also know pouring love into people who do not love themselves is futile, its the quickest way to fall victim to manipulation and it really is that deep because some people use tactics as a means of survival without evening knowing they are doing so, they get an inch of kindness and usually because they are not used to the kind of kindness that is provided, their brains operate in calculated ways which as on observer, this can be scary. This is also the quickest way to fall into traps of abuse, especially when you are sensitive or have a natural inclination to want to help people -

When is enough, enough?

It’s been an absolute battle of healing and fighting, considering how best to manage everything and manage myself, to ensure I do not become consumed with depression or fall into the ‘it’s my fault’ trap which I know are remnants from childhood.

As a child,

when things don’t make sense,

if you don’t have people pouring love into you

and speaking with you about things

and reassuring you

or providing an explanation when things go wrong,

it is very easy to fall into the trap of believing everything is your fault

and you can develop an internal dialog that maintains that story;

so you tell yourself and believe,

that everything that goes wrong,

that actually has nothing to do with you at all,

is your fault and that becomes your burden to bear.

I guess I could say I have been doing lots of internal reconfiguration and its frightening how scary being triggered in real time can take you back to moments you haven’t thought about or buried and how in those moments, that’s exactly when you have to deal with your feelings otherwise you just continue to suppress.

One of the worst habits present day Humans upkeep is avoiding our feelings, refusing to be present with them because somewhere along the lines we forgot how to and I know we are undoubtably and thankfully, in a great time of change and I know there are many of us revisiting natural practices and becoming more attuned to our bodies which is brilliant but there is also a vast majority of people who just avoid avoid avoid and I wish they knew, as I had to learn, how detrimental this is for them, their mind, their body and soul.

I birthed SELFLOVELOVESELF365 in a bathtub, in 2018, out of my own need to stop avoiding my self. It was both the most excruciating and invigorating year of my life, I had to release a lot, I had to take charge of who I was becoming and yet I was still so far from this point now, I was so hurt and so in need and so alone but that was indeed what I needed, I had had to create the opportunity for myself to explore how life had treated me up until that point and most importantly, how I had treated myself, how I was actively making choices that bit by bit were chipping away at me whilst presenting myself in the world, as tough as nails and happy as Larry, as they say.

I was tough, I had to be, being the eldest child, the surrogate parent, the emotional support system and knower of all things yet knower of nothing at all, pertaining to understanding oneself, being in tune with self, listening to self and knowing self beyond the projections and familiar roles you learn quickly to play.

I learned quickly the importance of Self Love or should I say remembered and I know that if only people would have the courage to dig deeper and release the need to avoid themselves, undoubtably, the world would be a better place and it starts with each one of us, first.

I spent this evening organising, in a really loose way no specific outcome expected and in doing so I guess I also cleared up space within myself to write and that feels amazing because the few times I have made drafts recently I felt so disheartened.

To be vulnerable or not to be, had been the question on my mind.

And every time I sent a piece to draft, I was disappointed in myself because I assumed it meant I was failing to show up but something I just coined and posted on Twitter (It will always be Twitter ;) IYKYK) actually, was:

Infrequent High Quality Over Frequent Quantity

And this is so important for me because we all know the so called tricks and hacks of social media and the drive to be consistent usually means post everyday, a certain amount of times a day etc BUT I am happy to accept myself, I am not always on, that is not how this mind works and its such a beautiful space to be in, to embrace this very moment, because as I know feelings are fleeting and there are so many factors for me that hinder creativity so I am basking in this moment, fully present as I write this with excitement, so much so, I even managed to stop myself multitasking as I often do, to come back to writing; I felt the rush to want to write and finish what I have started and that makes me happy.

So I say all of this to say get comfortable with making time for yourself, no excuses. Merely organising, created such a vast amount of space for me to use my voice and these are things we can all remember, when the mind is cluttered check out your environment, a clean and tidy goes a long way not just for appearance but for the soul and I appreciate those things aren’t always deemed as a priority but I truly believe it is the things we put off most and avoid that hold us back.

Avoiding ourselves holds us back,

Not doing the things we know we need to do holds us back,

and I say this with compassion and empathy as sometimes it is so easy to say things and know this answer whilst understanding neurodivergence doesn’t work in that way which is another reason why awareness and taking time to get to know yourself is important because then you can ease off beating yourself up for waiting for the right moment.

The magic is in the flow, releasing anxiety, again something that is no joke and probably, still, heavily misunderstood and I say that from the point of view of having it and being so used to it, up until recently I wouldn’t have been able to acknowledge or express what it feels like which seems crazy given its something I feel I have lived with forever, I simply just didn’t recognise or understand it myself.

This is a reminder to all of us to be kind to ourselves, to learn and continue to continue learning throughout this journey to love ourselves through all of our phases and first do right by I, because in doing right by I, one will surely do right by others.

Sending light & love, ALWAYS x

And Remember: “To Love Thyself Would Be An Awfully BIG Adventure.”

Lahayla Dahlia Lore

S e l f l o v e l o v e s e l f 3 6 5 is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.

It’s not an excuse to keep allowing your trauma to show up and ruin things for you.

It’s not an excuse to keep allowing your trauma to show up and you Self Sabotage.

A major lesson I am constantly learning is that Trauma can be so deep rooted and it takes time and vast amounts of effort to correct yourself, to correct your mentality and your approach to life and love.

Love after trauma can feel like war.

Love feels amazing until the insecurities creep in and unchecked, you can easily allow yourself to become something you aren’t, consumed with fear and worry and lacking in faith.

Love in its essence is sweet, joyful, playful, gentle, passionate and opens you up to extreme vulnerability. This, as you very well know, is where the work comes in.

There is nothing more precious and beautiful than genuine, true love.

And so why then can it be so difficult to be objective?

E m o t i o n s.

Uncontrolled and unaddressed emotions on top of unresolved trauma equal a nightmare.

When you are a highly sensitive being, in the process of bettering yourself, leaving the past behind and venturing into the new, it can be extremely difficult to manage everything - especially when life is presenting you with what seems like positive stepping stones, that are met with highly triggering circumstances.

On this side of the experience, I can acknowledge that the triggering circumstances have been necessary for growth, lets be honest it would be wonderful to never be triggered again however I know now that triggers are an important part of one’s progress.

Without triggers how can you over come and as someone who experiences triggers as heart wrenching, I can recognise, this experience I am overcoming, has allowed me to uphold new boundaries, to recognise the kind of environment I do not want to be a part of and that I don’t have to negotiate on this.

I can be stern in my decisions regarding my environment however unfortunately, at the beginning of this predicament I felt extremely overwhelmed by my environment, which overpowered my ability to cope with the rest of life which is excruciatingly frustrating, I had to drop the plates and sometimes the mind can be so loud; in the moments one should pause, the gas is pumped and the crash out is real.

Self Sabotage Strikes.

If I do not give myself time to pause when matters are heavy I will crumble and I am fine with knowing this but in a world that more often than not requires you to always be on, this warranted reaction, when your very sensitive can be very annoying to manage and often only recognisable in hindsight.

I believe there is a lesson in everything.

No matter the circumstances and whilst that doesn’t make the circumstances ok, I also recognise this as a an adopted understanding mechanism, in order to make sense of this thing called life.

If there is a lesson in everything, then what is it I am being called to learn.

Often, it is easy to forget that we are all students of life and continuously learning, that love is a beautiful thing that requires you to crack out of your shell, to step forth and release any and all withheld truths.

Love often asks us to get out of our own way and leap into our insecurities, face them head on and slay them.

Togetherness and union means riding the waves of uncertainty and not giving up, remembering wave after wave after wave that love is a tango of two and coming together isn’t a challenge free ride. It’s a call for two people to battle alongside each other for something felt deeply within their souls.

How, you ask, does Self Love come into play here?

Well, when the call to love another is present it can become very easy to forget yourself, to need to prove your self, prove your love and rank another’s behaviour towards you, as not good enough, to demand more than they have available to give and in doing so you forget that love is not about what can be done for you or who is willing to do the most, true love is about nurturing friendship and nurturing one another whilst giving one another space to grow.

Love does not demand presence out of fear you are losing something, signs to me, of insecurity. If you pay attention to your behaviour and catch yourself, you can stop demanding from another what it is you are able to give to yourself. Reminding yourself that another persons presence is a gift, not something to be taken for granted or exploited.

The beauty of love is that in its purest form and in our kind mind, its passionate and giving, its deep and devoted and kind and caring yet simultaneously when unsettled, when insecurities arise and the self reflection isn’t present it can be vicious and scolding and harmful, prompting the need for control instead of reminding us of the importance of freedom, the freedom to be who you are, whilst growing together with someone else.

Love is not possession and so offering yourself love whilst navigating loving another/others looks like space to merely be, to not fall into the trap of being so consumed with wants and needs that you forfeit your ability to nurture and cater to yourself.

It’s also been eye opening to recognise how closed off I can be when I lack the capacity to take into account other peoples feelings and how I may hurt them by shutting down, how this behaviour too hurts me but it’s not intentional, I can just become so overwhelmed and that completely wipes me out. It takes vast amounts of time to get back to my ‘proper’ mind or come to the realisation that the things that I overthought about just do not bear enough weight to be present in thought, today.

And so I write this to say please show yourself the utmost grace on this journey. We are all coming from different vantage points and unlearning toxic ways is complex and trying. Navigating deep rooted trauma and being asked to show up as ‘normal’ is ridiculous so do not shy away from carving out your own lane. It’s worth acknowledging that, even though the awareness is present to remind you that to move forward you have to amend your perspective and thought process yet also keep yourself safe.

Safety is paramount and when you haven’t had it, when it finally arrives unsurprisingly, it can feel excruciatingly scary because a part of you is always contemplating the if’s and the buts and not only is that exhausting, that is no way to live; it is unfair to yourself because effectively you are too, unrecognisably, preventing presence in safety and you too, hold yourself back from moving forward.

I don’t say this lightly because trauma builds fear within you and that is a journey in its self to overcome.

And yet the best thing to do is leap and keep leaping and eventually you do not hold onto fear anymore.

You know who you are and you recognise your worth and you continue to push forward.

You keep going.

You deserve the kind of love you dreamt of as a child and sometimes it is a matter of getting out of your own way to step into it. Choosing to be present in love instead of a bystander, waiting for something bad to happen takes courage - I know and so you must know you’re worth it.

You’re worthy of a new adventure, the new story, the new inner narrative that constantly reminds you and reinforces your winning.

Communicate where you can and be realistic, sometimes you aren’t capable of showing up as your best self in the moment of hardship and that’s ok. It’s also a beautiful thing to be afforded the opportunity to look back and recognise, actually now knowing what I now know I would have handled it like this or even better, using your voice to speak up about how you now recognise, what you need to do and being ok with your truth even if it isn’t received externally the way you would like.

To love means to continuously put trust into another and pour into what you are building. Hold space for one another and keep allowing room to grow.

To love self includes holding space for self whilst navigating partnership, being honest with yourself about what you are feeling even when you may not clearly know the why and not shy away from being open and honest about your needs. Assessing the emotional availability of another is also crucial because if your expectations supersede what is available you can begin slowly chipping away at your self worth, by knowing you desire more and trying to get more from someone who doesn’t know how to give which can be quite painful and you have a choice to see if they are teachable or to choose yourself.

How are you learning through love?

And Remember: “To Love Thyself Would Be An Awfully BIG Adventure.”

Lahayla Dahlia Lore

S e l f l o v e l o v e s e l f 3 6 5 is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.

So often I find the one thing that can help me progress is the one thing that, not so much recently but definitely over the years, I have felt I had to withhold - My voice.

A superpower of sorts because on the other side of using your voice there are options and not all the options that come about will be likeable but better to say what you have to say than leave things unsaid.

I guess one of the major issues with speaking and not being heard is that, that can hurt, it can hurt to recognise you aren’t listened to or your experience is not similar or familiar therefore the feelings aren’t shared and so holding space or being held space for, can feel stretched.

I started this the other day and wasn’t able to finish it, not for any particular reason I just run out of spark but I love operating from a space of flow, I know I will show up when called.

Divine Timing.

Using your voice and being inquisitive calls you to think and through thinking, there is encouragment to feel. Presenting you with time and another way of navigating your emotions.

There is definitely something very liberating that happens when you speak up for yourself and I find its even more powerful when you are able to say what you have to say without losing your cool. That being said, your feelings are very valid and you must always listen to your instincts when it comes to recognising anger etc of course, I understand how hard it is in the moment to check in and ask yourself “what am I feeling and why?” because sometimes the reaction can be so imminent and that’s your body signalling to you that something is wrong, there’s an uncomfortable give and take going on but like all things with practice, you can actually get to a space where you respond with intent without rage or bitterness, clouding your judgement.

It’s important to be able to speak up when you are being wronged and equally just as important to speak up when you are happy and greatful and life is blooming and you are becoming.

Using your voice is pain relief because anyone who truly cares for you and loves you will hold space for you, granting you grace, remembering that you too are a Human Being embracing this experience, you also make mistakes which are just lessons and you are allowed to feel what you feel.

Proper communication allows us to iron out our misunderstandings and actually calls us to be more inquisitive of one another, which is brilliant, the only issue can be when you do this with people who have their guard up, you will receive push back, which is not so brilliant and quite a shame because that defensive nature can leave you feeling scolded for trying to understand or trying to get to know someone better. Do not take offence, that is a defence mechanism, usually stemming from fear of being seen/heard and often arising because an individual has felt they have had to hide or choose to hide, for fear of being seen. Communication can feel scary, openness and being given space to communicate can seem alarming when your life experience has asked you to shy away from being heard or worse, mask.

Whilst using your voice to try to understand others and share what your feeling is a very important and useful tool, what is even more important is grasping the opportunity to hear yourself aloud, to tell your truth and let it out and if unfortunately you are not heard - that doesn’t matter, what matters is you are constantly asserting your trust in yourself, you hear yourself and you listen to yourself and from there you grant yourself the permission to move accordingly.

You do not shy away from self.

You do not feel so small and think so little of yourself that you neglect to use your power.

Using your voice is how you stand up for yourself.

Using your voice is what helps you learn and navigate the world around you.

And no matter what you are told or who tries to silence you or over look you, you can be proud of yourself for speaking your truth.

How will you use your voice today?

Your Voice IS Your Superpower.

Sending light & love, A L W A Y S x

Thanks for reading S e l f l o v e l o v e s e l f 3 6 5! This post is public so feel free to share it.

And Remember: “To Love Thyself Would Be An Awful BIG Adventure.”

Lahayla Dahlia Lore }|{

As I navigate this new phase, so many things are becoming more and more apparent as I give myself permission to unmask and tap into things, that, up until now I heavy overlooked because I didn’t have the space to view.

First and foremost - I need sleep!!

I say this because I have the neighbour from hell and for the past 8 months not one week has gone by without some overly dramatic situation, occurrence, incident etc that is so dysfunctional and not only is it awful to experience first hand but it demonstrates such a lack of self care and that for me to witness, is truly sad.

I birthed SELFLOVELOVESELF365 one day when I was bathing, during the first time I really gave myself permission to properly accept and acknowledge what happened to me, I will never forget the ache in my heart. SELFLOVELOVESELF365 started with a voice note to myself and it was so liberating to hear my thoughts aloud. That was effectively a call out to myself to remember that no matter what happens to me on this journey I must always care for myself because at the very least, I deserve my own care and love.

**Trigger Warning - Implications of Sexual Assault Discussed Here, Please Go To Next Paragraph If You Would Prefer To Avoid**

Life is a journey and so I will always need to love myself and care for myself no matter how the world looks at me or whether or not I am made to feel different. We are all different and we should all embrace that. One of my hardest lessons to contend with is how, unconsciously, being raped impacts the mind, how I see myself, my unconscious however very present, day to day, fears and I am still learning to articulate these things for myself but being raped in any manor, leaves such mental scars which do make you double guess your worth constantly. It’s like thinking highly of yourself and then you get triggered or remember to a T what happened and it replays and in that moment you feel weak and lost and hurt and can never and will never understand that unkindness: It is in those moments I am reminded it is not for me to understand, I cannot rationalise another Human Beings behaviour but suffocating and drowning in silence prompted my cry for Self Love, an act I must do for myself everyday because I, like you, am worth it.

Back to present day, it is sad to witness someone behave so carelessly with their life and to witness the people around them also behave recklessly so much so that they ignore the requests of them to do better which not only causes harm to themselves but harms me.

Sleep deprivation kills and my brain and body, just cannot cope when I am subjected to hear hours of verbal abuse, not directed at me, but through a fragile wall amongst themselves and so loud they may as well be in my space with me.

One way I am impacted, from inadequate sleep, is that my mind races even faster than usual and my creative productivity gets messed up as well as the day and I feel rage and all kinds of emotions because there is no need for people to behave in such a way, unless they don’t love themselves, unless they thrive on disfunction.

My ears are exhausted from hearing and the energy can feel so bad, leaving me feeling drained.

I went out for some respite today however the knock on effect feels like I have a terrible hangover, I am extra sensitive in the presence of others, so much so, I have to keep my distance as much as possible and all the while people seem to have no awareness for personal space, even when I am trying. I also pick up on other people’s energy more, feeling like a super absorbent sponge. All the Brain power it takes to navigate these interactions or should I say, to avoid them is also very very taxing and so doing that without adequate sleep was safe to say not the answer merely a moment of distraction because my head hurt too much to be outside and my coat too hot but its acts as a shield - I don’t want anyone to look at me or to disturb me or to require my attention or mistakenly think, I desire theirs.

I really needed the breather yet at the same time it was all too much, I couldn’t wait to get home, even with the apprehensive feeling of how tonight may go.

At least, I can recognise and acknowledge overwhelm and I am actively releasing any guilt for not being able to do more.

It’s OK.

One moment at a time, one day at a time.

I can move differently now.

I hope you are able to navigate overwhelm smoothly.

I hope you had a good day.

Sending light and love, ALWAYS x

And Remember: “To Love Thyself Would Be An Awfully BIG Adventure.”

Lahayla Dahlia Lore

I decided yesterday to take a walk this rising, clear my mind have a change of scenery, as I do know I always feel uplifted after breathing in the fresh air of a park and just being in nature.

I arrived and took a seat and it was in that moment that I reflected on the fact that whilst everything isn’t where I want it to be yet, everything is becoming, I am applying myself and I am also listening to my bodies needs, more so than ever, which includes pausing regularly and often and with this, I am finding balance.

I mean, as it has been and probably will be, there are days when I am all systems go, jumping from one thing to the next, one idea to the other and then days where nothing can be done at all and whilst I have struggled and not been graceful towards myself when dealing with this, one day I will remember that if I just listen and attend to my body as and when it needs to be tended to, that would allow me to avoid prolonged periods of burnout and rumination causing heightened mental anguish.

I have never been here before.

I have never had this experience.

I have never known this feeling or had this kind of safety so it is only right, it will take some time to get used to.

And so whilst I was sitting, watching the world pass around me and taking in the scenery which was quite grey, yet still beautiful, I was called to say an inner thank you, which I often find myself doing these days and that feels so good. I know it has been such a battle to get here and actually when for years death has been an unconscious part of me, holding space in my heart and mind, progress of any kind is always met with caution. The image came to mind of dogs, the ones that are severely abused and when rescued they are very reluctant to engage with anything the owner wishes them to participate in, not for not wanting to but because they are scared.

That is sometimes what stepping into life feels like, being petrified yet excited by the new, which sometimes leaves you in limbo because the fear of stepping forward can be so great

and feel so enormous

and feel so consuming

and lets not forget the threat of rejection sensitivity too.

I know one of the greatest marks of trauma is feeling the need to hide and how that presents difficultly in everyday life as people expect you to show up and accept their passes at you, not knowing you are petrified, because although I know its not strangers that do the most damage, now I’m just wary of everyone and that can be a very difficult place to grow from.

And Yet Grow I must!

And I am, in my own time and I know done properly, that cannot be rushed, just like a seed. The environment matters, care matters, presence matters.

I am greatful to recognise and work through these things. I am greatful for the moments where my mind just gently repeats thank you in the background whilst everything ticks over and I continue to grow through the hard days and finally give myself grace.

I hope that you too find moments, often, that remind you there is always opportunity to give thanks.

Sending light and love, ALWAYS x

And Remember: “To Love Thyself Would Be An Awfully BIG Adventure.”

L A H A Y L A D A H L I A L O R E

Slow Down, No Slower, Even Slower. I hear over and over again.

I literally have to convince myself that its OK to slow down, one because its insane of me to think in a year alone I could possibly play catch up from the extensive time of unsafely and unsettledness experienced prior whilst still navigating my own mental terrain, holding awareness for my physical needs especially since for once, I am able to be completely present or trying to as well as manage the mental anguish from the environment I find myself in. It’s been 33 weeks, 231 days, and as I write I’m astonished that once again I have coped, sober and still trying.

What is it they say God loves a trier.

What I realise is I am getting plenty done but I have to eradicate these timelines, I do not know where they come from, well I do, we all do but I really have to give myself permission to go slowly.

I am not trying to cut corners nor am I in a race and so I know why I am constantly reminding myself to slow down.

I feel like the milestones people get to have and achieve or at least the way society states it should be done is not nor has it

ever been ideal/celebratory for me and so its like being in a race whilst the world around you is hurtling forward, some days you’re stuck in reverse or merely just on pause whilst being treated as though its audacious of you to be there, present at that pace.

The only thing speed does is get you to the next destination very quickly, when right now speed is the last thing I need.

This stage actually feels like the growing period required by a seed and as we all know seeds cannot be rushed.

Rushing causes anxiety and I just don’t have the capacity for any more of that.

So here I am taking a break and writing through it.

I hope you are able and willing to honour your pace.

And remember: “To Love Thyself Would Be An AwfullY BIG Adventure.” Lahayla Dahlia Lore

(Just a heads up this post is linked to the previous post for context)

And so would you believe I made a decision and once again the weight of the world dropped from my shoulders.

Deciding not to go and if i’m honest it wasn’t like I had a choice because my body/mind just could not muster the energy it would have required to move.

That’s OK.

I often found myself in positions where I had to, where no one listened or cared whether I could or not and because I look fine, seem fine, I had been high functioning, there was never any consideration to when I couldn’t and I would, too, push myself based on what was expected of me so much so, I still struggle to be honest with myself now when the simple answer is I don’t want to.

I don’t want to, paired with PMS/PMDD and it’s a strike.

What I love about this is being able to have the time to reflect on how hard I can be on myself, how I have a tendency to make myself feel bad as though I do not feel bad enough and that in some way, makes my need for rest more acceptable. I actually dispise this but through writing the first piece this rising and getting all my thoughts out of my head, the moment I became comfortable with my decision and stopped trying to talk myself into doing, is the moment I felt at ease.

That doesn’t make me lazy or undeserving, that doesn’t mean I don’t do enough and need to push myself harder in fact on the contrary, as I have been working hard on myself for years especially when it comes to doing the internal work, if anything, the moment I find myself in is the perfect moment to put all the spinning plates down.

This serves as a reminder I do not have to be a version I have been in order to survive and that what I learnt through surviving hopefully I can begin to release.

And that starts with trusting myself and listening to myself I do know how important it is to rest and I thoroughly enjoy resting so I can release any guilt that comes with that.

Learning to put me first is very important - my biggest lesson on Self Love to date. I also recognise there is a huge difference in taking yourself away from situations and actually putting yourself first.

I understand that to keep myself safe, I have to take myself away from things that do not honour my peace or safety and now I get to choose me.

It’s perfectly valid to feel the sadness that comes with not having the things considered normal in society, that are often taken for granted by those who have and its important to remember that you have to manage that because people don’t know or do know and forget.

We are all operating on different timelines and have very different life experiences and I am just soul greatful to use these moments of anguish to continue to work on myself.

I take pride in unlearning what no longer serves me and I love the opportunity to write it out because it truly does make a difference hearing yourself aloud.

Today I made the right choice for me and there is no one to scold me for that unless I take to scolding myself and that I know, is unkind.

This serves as a very important reminder of why it’s so important to love yourself, you maybe strong and brilliant but that doesn’t mean you have to do it all. In fact, I am learning the importance of being selective with strength and brilliance for not all souls are kind and know how to deal well with these characteristics.

How did you get on with your day?

I hope you gave yourself the time you needed, if you needed to weather your mental terrain and rest if you were called too or that whatever you chose to do it was soul nourishing.

Taking the time to rest and feel through the times of our cycle is important and powerful, give yourself permission to stay connected to who you are.

The sun has set here, it’s such a magical time.

Until next time,

Sending light and love, ALWAYS x

And remember: “To Love Thyself Would Be An Awfully BIG Adventure.” Lahayla Dahlia Lore

I woke up today feeling,

so full of feelings,

crying on and off

and on and off

and on.

Exhausted by my own thoughts, exhausted from trying to find resolve, from needing all the answers right now and simultaneously not having the energy to process it all.

I bathed.

I know my hormones are high and I also know anything coming up in this moment is important to process and so I have been trying to give myself the space to feel through everything whilst being kind to myself because it is so easy to allow the annoying voice inside to convince me I am not good enough, maybe I was told too often as a child/teenage something wasn’t good enough and today of all days, it is creeping through, throwing me off, convincing me I am less than.

It hurts to feel so sad and I know it will pass but until it does I am taking the time to catch any negative chatter and usher in words of affirmation.

The hormones that trigger low mood during my cycle can be so hard to shake off and then before you know it, your caught up ruminating on the past or parts of the past that need healing and so whilst it can be a very annoying experience, especially as it just shows up unannounced on important days when you actually need to be present and participate in life, it’s also an invitation to be aware and present with what I am feeling.

It’s ok to admit that it feels hard or complicated or difficult. It’s ok to wish that you had some of your needs met and it's also OK to admit how exhausting it can be having to meet all your own needs all by yourself; that some days you do need a hug and some kind words and that isn’t something to be ashamed of, nor does it make you weak.

I am in two minds about how I wish to participate in today, part of me wants to curl up in a ball and hide under the duvet and part of me is deliberating whether I stick to my commitment and just put on a brave face. Whilst I know there will be enjoyment in following through with the commitment, I guess the call to hide has moments that seem more alluring and then on the same hand I question myself as to why I think it’s acceptable to ignore myself and ignore my body because quite frankly that isn’t kind.

I wonder if this is Self Sabotage or a cry to be heard for all the times I didn’t listen to myself when I have been in need, observing how when there is no one to soothe you, do you also adopt the behaviour of failing to soothe yourself?

I wish I had the answers.

I have always struggled with having to show up happy when on the inside I am sad, I have always pushed through the worst of circumstances when actually I needed to be held and so this crossroad today is highly frustrating.

I’m great at making others feel better and being the voice of motivation and yet today I am struggle to be that for myself.

I already lent on food for comfort and If I’m being honest there really isn’t anything anyone else can do per se, sometimes just being seen or having someone present is enough but I guess that’s the problem with mental health, it the internal battle that a beautiful smiling face hides.

Now as I type I am asking myself, do I push through and hope for the best or do I free myself of guilt and rest, will I be annoyed that I am unable to participate in today’s thing or focus on self soothing? Is my mood so uncontrollable it may rub people the wrong way or even in the company of others make me isolate? Am I anxious/nervous and so is this making everything feel 10 times worse…?

I just don’t have the answers and that’s ok. I recognise that going ahead with my plans will distract me from self for a while and perhaps that’s what I need but escapism isn’t what I desire, I would prefer to address myself and answer questions like: am I just being cruel to myself and preventing my progress?

Do I just not truly believe in myself, am I afraid to succeed and what does that look like to me anyway?

What do I actually need?

I can go ahead with my plans and maybe I arrive and change my mind.

Maybe I stay in the safety of my home and beat myself up about not having the courage to go.

The conundrum.

TBC

However You Are Feeling I Hope You Give yourself The Chance To Feel Through It.

Wishing you a good day!

And Remember: “To Love Thyself Would Be An Awfully BIG Adventure.”

I done it, I did that thing that seems a peculiar thing for Human Beings to do or at least we behave that way.

But the thing I did was necessary.

I took a nap :)

I’ve needed to take a nap all day but I had to press on with an important matter, as we do, but I hit my peak once finished.

And as I laid down, I picked up my phone and attempted to go on my favourite game and how quickly I was ignoring myself.

Snap out of quick, its time to rest your busy head, it’s time for a little sleep.

And swiftly, as soon as I put the phone aside, I feel into a sweet sleep, deep enough but not too deep and actually I woke from the soft inner calling of my own name, like I was being gently ushered into the present moment, child like resonance and I felt such joy and glee, I opened my eyes became present with my surroundings and it felt as though I was embraced with a comforting hug.

A safe, pleasurable, comforting moment with Self.

I hear myself internally, sporadicly and often, saying thank you because I am soul thankful for how far I have come and so greatful for all that I have and I am constantly reminded you must do your best to never settle in life, for The Best Is Yet To Come.

The Best Is Yet To Come.

May this be a reminder to you, to take that nap and show yourself love and be kind to yourself as you persist.

I do not like it at all but my current predicament serves as a reminder that adversity truly does grow you - if you push through it and whilst if I am honest, it bugs me so, that that is something we have to do especially when matters are being forced on us by others but the only thing I know is that whatever you are going through no matter how painful, you deserve to see how powerful you are and you deserve to witness yourself rise on the other side even though it comes with heartache and like anything in life there seems to be a cost - just know you are worth it!

No, you do not deserve the evil things or nasty things done but I promise you if you rise up the most high will meet you, little one.

See, when I’m well rested I write in rhyme LOL.

I love it here.

I hope that you are happy where you are and I hope everyday you remember your worth, no matter what is going on, always, always, always be good to yourself.

You are a miracle.

& with that, I’ll bid you farewell :) (for now at least)

Sending light and love, ALWAYS x

And Remember: “To Love Thyself Would Be An Awfully BIG Adventure.” Lahayla Dahlia Lore

Embrace the day, embrace the moments and allow what needs to pass to pass.

It so easy when we feel good to be present and likewise it is so easy when things are difficult to find ourselves ungrounded and obsorbing the chaos.

I want you to take a moment and look how far you’ve come and acknowledge that no matter what you have been up against, no matter how hard or how painful, you continued to press on, you continued to show up even if it wasn’t in your best way - you tried.

It is so important given the nature of the world around us to be selective about what we absorb and to remind ourselves not to be so inclined, to be mislead by negativity fed to us or to diminish our light.

It is, also, so very important to merely observe the behaviours of others in order to recognise you do not have to participate in their madness, now of course this can be extremely difficult depending on the proximity but one thing life always reminds me of is that there are always ways to cope and things you can do in order to keep rising above whatever you are being presented with at any given moment in time.

We know that life is a series of tests and lessons and a major lesson in life is learning to not match people’s energy, although of recent this phrase has been thrown around to suggest that we should match peoples energy in a way to show them some kind of lesson, an example, you treat me like this I will do the same. However, I think it’s safe to say matching energy in this way is a disaster.

You are playing silly games and taking yourself out of character which is completely misaligned; best to not participate at all.

Sometimes there is a level of consciousness missing and some do not see their behaviour as abnormal or even detrimental, not only to themselves but to others.

So give thanks for the ability to see things as they are, to recognise dysfunction and have the ability to move accordingly.

I am soul greatful (no typo) for the array of things to do, hobbies to enjoy and skills to develop which reminds me of the saying the devil makes work for idle hands, this is very very true. When we fail to channel our energy into the right things, it can be catastropghic

I hope today and everyday you are able to reflect on your journey and pour into yourself and the things you love, taking all the time you need to grow you. Keeping yourself safe and actively choosing not to settle for anything that makes you feel less than.

As Wombmen, I feel it particularly important to share our knowledge with one another and protect one another. It is important to protect our minds, our bodies and our souls. Our energy is one of a kind.

Remember this as you journey, you are deserving and worthy and you are all those things without having to prove yourself.

Life is a miracle and so I think it important to remember that before you ever settle for less than what you deserve.

Know Your Worth.

And continue to rise.

Embrace the day and honour the beauty in life.

And Remember: “To Love Thyself Would Be An Awfully BIG Adventure.” Lahayla Dahlia Lore