What image comes to your mind when you hear the phrase, “family photo?” Imagine your family photo. Who is in the photo? How many people are there? Are animals included in your family photo? Is everyone wearing matching outfits? Where is the photo taken and what is the backdrop?

 

I recently read about something called “stock family syndrome” in a book called, Parenting Beyond Your Capacity (Joiner & Nieuwhof, 2010). This syndrome affects most of us regardless of the size, shape, color, and social location of our family. We have an image of family. We are confronted with images of the family all around us. Stock family syndrome is the pressure we feel to present ourselves and our families as though we are that perfectly put together, smiling, family wearing complimentary outfits; just like the stock family you often see when you buy a photo frame.

 

When we take a look behind that photo and we expose it to reality, what we learn is that the idea of perfection is a farce, of course. No family is perfect and we know there are families where there is ongoing pain. There are families suffering from the effects of addiction and abuse, families struggling with mental illness and physical illness. We know this to be true and yet we continue to hold ourselves to certain unattainable socially constructed standards. There is a feeling that we have to hide the bad things, the ways in which we don’t fit the mold of perfection. The perfect, “stock” family imagery and narrative in our culture perpetuates a stereotype of perfection that we cannot achieve. Yet many of us feel the pressure to try to live up to that standard and when we do not, we feel a need to pretend that we are something we are not.

 

This holds true for single people and older folks who do not have young children as well. We feel a pressure to present a certain image to the world. So whether its is a hipster or hippie image, a yogi or a professional, or the pressure to dress appropriately for one’s age, we are inundated by our culture with images of how to “look the part” to the outside world.

 

Now in my 6th year here as Director of Education and Family Ministry, I find it increasingly important to explore what exactly Family Ministry means, who are the families, and how do we serve them?

 

Here at First Unitarian, we have a wide diversity of family configurations. We have several families made up of adoptive white parents and children of color. We have multi-racial couples with children. We have single parents and those who co-parent, adult children who are caregivers to their parents, grandparents raising grandchildren, newly divorced, and never been married parents. We have families consisting of a human and their furry dog companion. Some of our members live with their blood relatives and some live with their chosen family of kindred spirits and siblings. We have members who live with several others in a feminist queer collective and those who live alone in studios apartments. And we have pretty much every other cohabitation and living configuration imaginable. Many of our families are also multi-faith, often bringing together the different religions and spiritual practices of their families of origin. We have incredible diversity among our members.

 

One First U parent I spoke with told me that because their family doesn’t fit the image of the stock family photo, there are days when they choose to stay home rather than go out into public because it just feels like too much. The pressure they feel to put on a front is sometimes overwhelming because they are not a typical family. There is pressure to behave a certain way as a parent and judgement of the children’s behavior. Curious strangers stare at the family on the subway. Well-meaning passers-by give unsolicited criticism or a judgmental look. This is a non-traditional family and the unwanted attention and extra commentary is heightened because the family doesn’t fit cultural norms.