Responsive desire might completely change the way you understand your sexuality. If you rarely feel “in the mood,” do not initiate sex often, or have wondered whether your lower desire means something is wrong, this episode is for you.

In this episode of Sex, Here & Now, Matt breaks down the difference between spontaneous and responsive desire and challenges the idea that we should already be horny before intimacy begins. He explores why desire often develops through touch, connection, pleasure, and context, especially in long-term relationships. We also dive into the Dual Control Model, sexual accelerators and brakes, and why reducing stress and pressure may be more helpful than simply trying harder to “increase your sex drive.”

Oh, and while we are at it, you officially have permission to stop calling it a sex drive.

Responsive desire is not broken desire. For many of us, desire is less like a lightning bolt and more like a campfire. Sometimes we just need to create the right conditions for it to grow.

Resources

If you’re looking for a high-quality lubricant that actually enhances the experience instead of distracting from it, I’ve got you covered.

👉 Click here to try Überlube

When you use that link, you’ll receive a Free Überlube Sachet added to your order (U.S. only).

Using the link also helps support the podcast, so it’s a win-win.

Are you a healthcare professional or mental health therapist and looking for sex therapy continuing education? Get 10% of your first course here by using code podcast10

A list of sex education, sex therapy, and relationship resources here

Sign up for my online class here

You can now watch the full video podcast on YouTube!

Let's get social: Website / Instagram / YouTube

Please make sure to subscribe and rate my podcast!

What if one of the best ways to improve your sex life was to stop focusing so much on genitals?

In this episode of Sex, Here & Now, Matt Lachman, licensed clinical therapist and AASECT Certified Sex Therapist, introduces one of his favorite exercises for couples: The 20-Minute No Genitals Challenge.

The rules are simple. Set a timer for twenty minutes. No touching genitals. No touching breasts. No intercourse. Instead, you and your partner explore everything else.

Matt breaks down why so many of us fall into predictable sexual routines where kissing quickly leads to genital touch and orgasm becomes the ultimate goal. While there is nothing wrong with that kind of sex, constantly following the same sexual script can cause us to overlook just how much pleasure the rest of the body has to offer.

This challenge is about slowing down, building anticipation, communicating about pleasure, and rediscovering erotic curiosity. You might be surprised by what happens when you take orgasm off the table and give yourselves permission to simply explore.

Set the timer. Put the phones away. Stay curious. And for twenty minutes, keep your hands away from the obvious places.

Resources

If you’re looking for a high-quality lubricant that actually enhances the experience instead of distracting from it, I’ve got you covered.

👉 Click here to try Überlube

When you use that link, you’ll receive a Free Überlube Sachet added to your order (U.S. only).

Using the link also helps support the podcast, so it’s a win-win.

Are you a healthcare professional or mental health therapist and looking for sex therapy continuing education? Get 10% of your first course here by using code podcast10

A list of sex education, sex therapy, and relationship resources here

Sign up for my online class here

You can now watch the full video podcast on YouTube!

Let's get social: Website / Instagram / YouTube

Please make sure to subscribe and rate my podcast!

Being single is not a character flaw, a failure, or some sad waiting room you sit in until your “real life” finally begins.

In this Matt’s Musing, I am diving into the enormous amount of pressure we put on people to find a relationship, settle down, and follow a timeline that was largely handed to us by family, religion, movies, social media, and now an endless supply of influencers promising that “your person is coming.”

Listen, there is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting a relationship. Wanting companionship, intimacy, affection, sex, and someone to build a life with is incredibly human. But wanting a relationship is very different from believing you need one to prove that you are worthy, attractive, successful, or lovable.

In this episode, I talk about why loneliness can sometimes push us toward people who are available rather than compatible, why relationships should not automatically be treated as achievements, and why being partnered does not protect anyone from loneliness, disconnection, bad sex, or unhappiness. I also challenge the passive idea that you should simply wait for the universe to drop the right person into your life.

If you want a relationship, go pursue connection. Date. Flirt. Join things. Meet people. Risk rejection. Work on your communication. Figure out your boundaries. Explore who you are sexually without a partner. Most importantly, build a life you actually enjoy living while you do it.

Because being single is a circumstance. It is not an identity, and it certainly does not determine your worth.

Resources

If you’re looking for a high-quality lubricant that actually enhances the experience instead of distracting from it, I’ve got you covered.

👉 Click here to try Überlube

When you use that link, you’ll receive a Free Überlube Sachet added to your order (U.S. only).

Using the link also helps support the podcast, so it’s a win-win.

Are you a healthcare professional or mental health therapist and looking for sex therapy continuing education? Get 10% of your first course here by using code podcast10

A list of sex education, sex therapy, and relationship resources here

Sign up for my online class here

You can now watch the full video podcast on YouTube!

Let's get social: Website / Instagram / YouTube

Please make sure to subscribe and rate my podcast!

Gonorrhea and Syphilis Hit Record Levels in Europe. Here's Why!

The headlines make it sound like people are having too much sex. The research tells a very different story.

In this episode of Sex, Here & Now, Matt Lachman, licensed clinical therapist and AASECT Certified Sex Therapist, breaks down the recent BBC article on record-high rates of gonorrhea and syphilis across Europe and explains why these rising numbers have far more to do with public health than they do with morality.

Matt explores how reduced access to STI testing, treatment, comprehensive sex education, and sexual health services contributes to higher infection rates, and why decades of research continue to show that shame and abstinence-only messaging don't stop people from having sex. They simply make people less likely to seek healthcare.

This episode is a reminder that healthy societies don't reduce STI rates by making people afraid of sex. They reduce them by making healthcare accessible, normalizing routine testing, and giving people the tools they need to make informed decisions.

If you've ever seen a scary STI headline and wondered what it actually means, this episode is for you.

Resources

If you’re looking for a high-quality lubricant that actually enhances the experience instead of distracting from it, I’ve got you covered.

👉 Click here to try Überlube

When you use that link, you’ll receive a Free Überlube Sachet added to your order (U.S. only).

Using the link also helps support the podcast, so it’s a win-win.

Are you a healthcare professional or mental health therapist and looking for sex therapy continuing education? Get 10% of your first course here by using code podcast10

A list of sex education, sex therapy, and relationship resources here

Sign up for my online class here

You can now watch the full video podcast on YouTube!

Let's get social: Website / Instagram / YouTube

Please make sure to subscribe and rate my podcast!

What if one of the healthiest things you could do for your sexual well-being is also one of the things you've been taught to fear?

In this episode of Sex, Here & Now, Matt Lachman, licensed clinical therapist and AASECT Certified Sex Therapist, takes on one of the biggest myths surrounding sexuality: that masturbation is somehow shameful, dirty, or unhealthy.

Matt breaks down the research behind masturbation, including its effects on stress, sleep, pleasure, and sexual satisfaction, while debunking common myths about erectile dysfunction, infertility, blindness, hair loss, and more. He also explores why so many people carry guilt around self-pleasure and how messages from family, religion, culture, and society can shape our relationship with our own bodies.

Whether masturbation has always felt normal to you or you've struggled with shame around it, this episode invites you to become curious rather than judgmental. Matt also offers a simple challenge to help listeners deepen their connection with their own bodies by approaching masturbation with mindfulness instead of making orgasm the only goal.

This conversation isn't about convincing anyone that they have to masturbate. It's about recognizing that for most people, masturbation is a healthy, safe, and normal part of human sexuality, and asking whether the beliefs we've inherited are actually serving us today.

Resources

If you’re looking for a high-quality lubricant that actually enhances the experience instead of distracting from it, I’ve got you covered.

👉 Click here to try Überlube

When you use that link, you’ll receive a Free Überlube Sachet added to your order (U.S. only).

Using the link also helps support the podcast, so it’s a win-win.

Are you a healthcare professional or mental health therapist and looking for sex therapy continuing education? Get 10% of your first course here by using code podcast10

A list of sex education, sex therapy, and relationship resources here

Sign up for my online class here

You can now watch the full video podcast on YouTube!

Let's get social: Website / Instagram / YouTube

Please make sure to subscribe and rate my podcast!

Are you kinkier than you think? In this episode of Sex, Here & Now, Matt Lachman dives into one of the biggest misconceptions about human sexuality: that kink is rare, extreme, or only for "certain kinds of people."

The truth is, many of us engage in or fantasize about forms of kink without ever calling them that. From dirty talk and blindfolds to power dynamics, role-play, sensation play, and BDSM, Matt explores why kink is far more common than most people realize. He also breaks down what the research actually says about kink, BDSM, consent, communication, and psychological well-being.

Most importantly, this episode is about permission. Permission to question shame, explore curiosity, and build a sex life based on what genuinely brings you pleasure instead of what society told you was "normal."

Whether you're simply curious or already waving your kinky flag, this episode is an invitation to embrace your sexuality with intention, communication, and consent.

Resources

If you’re looking for a high-quality lubricant that actually enhances the experience instead of distracting from it, I’ve got you covered.

👉 Click here to try Überlube

When you use that link, you’ll receive a Free Überlube Sachet added to your order (U.S. only).

Using the link also helps support the podcast, so it’s a win-win.

Are you a healthcare professional or mental health therapist and looking for sex therapy continuing education? Get 10% of your first course here by using code podcast10

A list of sex education, sex therapy, and relationship resources here

Sign up for my online class here

You can now watch the full video podcast on YouTube!

Let's get social: Website / Instagram / YouTube

Please make sure to subscribe and rate my podcast!

What if your sexuality was a garden?

In this week's Matt's Musing, I revisit one of my favorite metaphors from Emily Nagoski to explore how our beliefs about sex are planted long before we ever have a say. Family, religion, culture, media, and past relationships all leave their mark. Some of those messages help us grow, while others become weeds that create shame, pressure, and disconnection.

In this short episode, I talk about why we don't have to keep every belief we inherited, how to identify the "weeds" that no longer serve us, and what it looks like to intentionally cultivate a healthier, more authentic relationship with sexuality.

At the end, I leave you with one simple question that might change the way you think about your own sexual story.

If you've ever struggled with shame, performance pressure, or feeling like your sexuality should look different than it does, this episode is for you.

Resources

If you’re looking for a high-quality lubricant that actually enhances the experience instead of distracting from it, I’ve got you covered.

👉 Click here to try Überlube

When you use that link, you’ll receive a Free Überlube Sachet added to your order (U.S. only).

Using the link also helps support the podcast, so it’s a win-win.

Are you a healthcare professional or mental health therapist and looking for sex therapy continuing education? Get 10% of your first course here by using code podcast10

A list of sex education, sex therapy, and relationship resources here

Sign up for my online class here

You can now watch the full video podcast on YouTube!

Let's get social: Website / Instagram / YouTube

Please make sure to subscribe and rate my podcast!

Whether you're brand new to lubricant or you've been using it for years, there's a good chance you've been taught some myths about what it means. In this episode of Sex Here and Now, I break down why lubricant isn't a sign that something is "wrong." In fact, it's one of the simplest ways to make sex more comfortable, pleasurable, and enjoyable.

We'll explore the differences between water based, silicone based, oil based, and hybrid lubricants, discuss the pros and cons of each, and talk about how to choose the best option for your body and the kind of sex you're having. I also cover specialty lubricants, common ingredient concerns, and why there is no one-size-fits-all answer when it comes to finding your favorite lube.

Thank you to Uberlube for sponsoring today's episode. Check out the link in the show notes to learn more and support the podcast.

Resources

If you’re looking for a high-quality lubricant that actually enhances the experience instead of distracting from it, I’ve got you covered.

👉 Click here to try Überlube

When you use that link, you’ll receive a Free Überlube Sachet added to your order (U.S. only).

Using the link also helps support the podcast, so it’s a win-win.

Are you a healthcare professional or mental health therapist and looking for sex therapy continuing education? Get 10% of your first course here by using code podcast10

A list of sex education, sex therapy, and relationship resources here

Sign up for my online class here

You can now watch the full video podcast on YouTube!

Let's get social: Website / Instagram / YouTube

Please make sure to subscribe and rate my podcast!

After taking a week off, I'm back with some personal news that I've been excited to share... I'm married!

In this special episode of Sex, Here & Now, I reflect on one of the biggest milestones of my life while challenging a common belief about relationships. Does marriage fundamentally change a relationship, or does it simply celebrate the one you've already built?

Drawing from both my own relationship and my work as a sex therapist, I explore why commitment is something we practice rather than something we achieve. We talk about the difference between the symbols of commitment and commitment itself, why healthy relationships aren't defined by marriage, and why trust, vulnerability, communication, and repair matter far more than any legal document ever could.

Whether you're married, dating, single, divorced, or in a consensually nonmonogamous relationship, this episode is a reminder that the healthiest relationships are built one ordinary day at a time.

Thank you for being part of this journey with me, and thank you for celebrating this new chapter alongside us.

Resources

If you’re looking for a high-quality lubricant that actually enhances the experience instead of distracting from it, I’ve got you covered.

👉 Click here to try Überlube

When you use that link, you’ll receive a Free Überlube Sachet added to your order (U.S. only).

Using the link also helps support the podcast, so it’s a win-win.

Are you a healthcare professional or mental health therapist and looking for sex therapy continuing education? Get 10% of your first course here by using code podcast10

A list of sex education, sex therapy, and relationship resources here

Sign up for my online class here

You can now watch the full video podcast on YouTube!

Let's get social: Website / Instagram / YouTube

Please make sure to subscribe and rate my podcast!

Who are you when you have sex?

Most people spend a lot of time thinking about what they do sexually, but very few stop to consider how they show up. In this episode of Sex Here and Now, Matt Lachman, licensed clinical therapist and AASECT Certified Sex Therapist, explores the idea of your sexual style: the roles, patterns, and energies you naturally bring into intimacy.

Are you a giver or a receiver? Do you tend to lead or follow? Are you a caretaker, performer, people pleaser, explorer, or protector? Matt discusses how these sexual scripts develop over time, why they often become rigid, and how greater flexibility can lead to more satisfying, authentic sexual experiences.

Whether you're in a long-term relationship, exploring your sexuality, or simply curious about yourself, this episode will help you reflect on the unconscious patterns shaping your intimate life and invite you to try something new.

If you enjoyed today's episode, be sure to subscribe, leave a review, and share it with someone who might discover something new about themselves.

Resources

If you’re looking for a high-quality lubricant that actually enhances the experience instead of distracting from it, I’ve got you covered.

👉 Click here to try Überlube

When you use that link, you’ll receive a Free Überlube Sachet added to your order (U.S. only).

Using the link also helps support the podcast, so it’s a win-win.

Are you a healthcare professional or mental health therapist and looking for sex therapy continuing education? Get 10% of your first course here by using code podcast10

A list of sex education, sex therapy, and relationship resources here

Sign up for my online class here

You can now watch the full video podcast on YouTube!

Let's get social: Website / Instagram / YouTube

Please make sure to subscribe and rate my podcast!