Why do people spend so much time worrying about everyone else's sex life?

In this episode of Sex Here and Now, I explore something that has been on my mind lately: the tendency people have to judge other people's consensual sexual choices while avoiding deeper questions about their own relationship with sex. Whether the topic is kink, polyamory, queer relationships, casual sex, body confidence, or simply people expressing themselves authentically, judgment often shows up faster than curiosity.

Together, we unpack where that judgment comes from. Is it really about the behavior itself? Or is it more about fear, shame, insecurity, confusion, or unresolved beliefs that get activated when we see someone living differently than we do? Often, what we criticize in others has far more to do with our own discomfort than their actual choices.

We discuss the concept of "don't yuck someone else's yum" and why consensual sexual experiences between adults are rarely the problem people think they are. We also explore how religion, family systems, social media, culture, and sex negative messaging shape our reactions to sexuality and influence what we perceive as acceptable, normal, or threatening.

In this episode, we discuss:

One of the most important takeaways from this conversation is that curiosity often creates more growth than criticism. The next time you find yourself judging someone else's sexuality, it may be worth asking what that reaction is trying to tell you about your own experiences, beliefs, fears, or desires.

If this episode resonates with you, consider following the podcast, leaving a review, and sharing it with someone who may benefit from the conversation. Your support helps spread more sex positive, shame reducing, and research informed conversations into the world.

As always, stay curious.

Resources

If you’re looking for a high-quality lubricant that actually enhances the experience instead of distracting from it, I’ve got you covered.

👉 Click here to try Überlube

When you use that link, you’ll receive a Free Überlube Sachet added to your order (U.S. only).

Using the link also helps support the podcast, so it’s a win-win.

Are you a healthcare professional or mental health therapist and looking for sex therapy continuing education? Get 10% of your first course here by using code podcast10

A list of sex education, sex therapy, and relationship resources here

Sign up for my online class here

You can now watch the full video podcast on YouTube!

Let's get social: Website / Instagram / YouTube

Please make sure to subscribe and rate my podcast!

Have you ever stopped to wonder how much of your relationship was shaped by the relationships you witnessed growing up?

In this episode of Sex Here and Now, we are talking about parents, caregivers, family dynamics, and the relationship scripts many of us unknowingly carry into adulthood. Whether your parents had a seemingly perfect love story, a marriage filled with conflict, or something in between, chances are they influenced how you think about intimacy, communication, affection, conflict, trust, and commitment.

I share a little bit about my own parents' relationship, including their surprisingly Hallmark-worthy origin story, and discuss one of the most important realizations many adults eventually face: our parents' relationships belong to them. Their strengths, struggles, communication patterns, emotional blind spots, and beliefs about love are not automatically meant to become our own.

Together, we explore how family systems shape our nervous systems, why some people spend their lives recreating the relationships they witnessed growing up, and why others spend years trying to escape them. We also discuss how social media often romanticizes long-term relationships while ignoring a much more important question: were those relationships actually healthy?

In this episode, we discuss:

One of the most freeing parts of adulthood is realizing that awareness creates choice. You do not have to recreate your parents' relationship, and you do not have to spend your life running from it either. You get to decide what kind of relationship reflects who you are today.

If this episode resonates with you, consider following the podcast, leaving a review, and sharing it with someone who may benefit from the conversation. Your support helps spread more sex positive, relationship focused, and shame reducing conversations into the world.

Resources

If you’re looking for a high-quality lubricant that actually enhances the experience instead of distracting from it, I’ve got you covered.

👉 Click here to try Überlube

When you use that link, you’ll receive a Free Überlube Sachet added to your order (U.S. only).

Using the link also helps support the podcast, so it’s a win-win.

Are you a healthcare professional or mental health therapist and looking for sex therapy continuing education? Get 10% of your first course here by using code podcast10

A list of sex education, sex therapy, and relationship resources here

Sign up for my online class here

You can now watch the full video podcast on YouTube!

Let's get social: Website / Instagram / YouTube

Please make sure to subscribe and rate my podcast!

We hear it all of the time: "I just want sex to feel natural." It sounds nice in theory, but what if that expectation is actually making sex harder?

In this episode of Sex Here and Now, I unpack one of my least favorite phrases in sex and relationship conversations: the idea that sex should be natural or organic. While our sexual orientation and gender identity may be innate, most of what we believe about sex is learned. The way we flirt, communicate, initiate, think about desire, define romance, experience shame, and navigate intimacy has been shaped by culture, family systems, religion, media, peers, and past experiences.

Together, we explore why so many people get stuck chasing an unrealistic version of sex that is supposed to happen effortlessly. We discuss how communication, practice, planning, curiosity, and even awkward conversations are not signs that something is wrong. They are often signs of a healthy and evolving sexual relationship.

I also dive into the unrealistic expectation that partners should naturally know what we want sexually, why that belief creates unnecessary frustration, and how intentional conversations can strengthen intimacy rather than diminish it.

In this episode, we discuss:

A special thank you to Uberlube for sponsoring today's episode. If you are looking for a high quality lubricant that can help make intimacy more comfortable and enjoyable, check out the link in the show notes and receive a free gift with purchase.

If this episode resonated with you, consider subscribing, leaving a review, and sharing it with someone who may need to hear it. Every listen helps spread more sex positive, shame reducing, and research informed conversations into the world.

Resources

If you’re looking for a high-quality lubricant that actually enhances the experience instead of distracting from it, I’ve got you covered.

👉 Click here to try Überlube

When you use that link, you’ll receive a Free Überlube Sachet added to your order (U.S. only).

Using the link also helps support the podcast, so it’s a win-win.

Are you a healthcare professional or mental health therapist and looking for sex therapy continuing education? Get 10% of your first course here by using code podcast10

A list of sex education, sex therapy, and relationship resources here

Sign up for my online class here

You can now watch the full video podcast on YouTube!

Let's get social: Website / Instagram / YouTube

Please make sure to subscribe and rate my podcast!

Hello friends, welcome back to another episode of Sex Here and Now. As always, I am your host, Matt Lachman, licensed clinical therapist and AASECT certified sex therapist, and today we are getting into something that shows up way more than people like to admit, comparing yourself to your partner’s ex.

You know the feeling. You hear a story, you see an old photo, or your brain just decides to spiral out of nowhere. Suddenly you are asking yourself questions you never needed to ask. Were they hotter, better in bed, more exciting, more successful. Did they have something you don’t. That comparison spiral can feel automatic, and honestly, it is very human.

In this episode, I break down why that comparison pulls you out of your relationship and into a one sided competition that does not actually exist. When you are trying to “win” against an ex, you are no longer present with your partner. You are in your head, chasing a version of someone who is not even in the room anymore. That energy does not build intimacy. It builds anxiety, pressure, and disconnection.

We also talk about something that often gets missed. You are not comparing yourself to your partner’s ex, you are comparing yourself to a story about them. A highlight reel that your brain filled in with your own insecurities. You do not see the full relationship. You do not see what did not work, why it ended, or what your partner learned from it. You are competing with a distorted version of reality, and that will always leave you feeling like you are falling short.

From there, we shift into a different way of approaching this. Instead of asking if you are better than someone else, we focus on what actually matters, are you showing up as yourself in the relationship you are in. Your partner did not choose you because you outperformed their past. They chose you because of your energy, your personality, your body, your way of connecting. When you lose that trying to compete, you lose the very thing that made you desirable.

We also get into self worth, not the performative kind where you try to prove something, but a grounded belief that you are enough without needing to compare. And when insecurity does show up, because it will, we talk about how to handle it in a way that actually builds connection. Naming it, asking for reassurance, and having real conversations instead of silently competing.

This episode is your reminder that your partner’s past is not your competition. Your job is not to win. Your job is to be present, curious, and authentic in the relationship you are actually in. Because at the end of the day, you are the one they are choosing right now.

Resources

If you’re looking for a high-quality lubricant that actually enhances the experience instead of distracting from it, I’ve got you covered.

👉 Click here to try Überlube

When you use that link, you’ll receive a Free Überlube Sachet added to your order (U.S. only).

Using the link also helps support the podcast, so it’s a win-win.

Are you a healthcare professional or mental health therapist and looking for sex therapy continuing education? Get 10% of your first course here by using code podcast10

A list of sex education, sex therapy, and relationship resources here

Sign up for my online class here

You can now watch the full video podcast on YouTube!

Let's get social: Website / Instagram / YouTube

Please make sure to subscribe and rate my podcast!

Today we are talking about something that sounds simple but can feel incredibly vulnerable in real life, asking for what you want in the bedroom

If you have ever struggled to say what you want sexually, you are not alone. Most people were never taught how to communicate about sex in a clear, direct, and shame free way. Instead, we are taught to avoid it, joke about it, or hope our partner just figures it out. When that does not happen, frustration builds, disconnection grows, and people start questioning themselves or their relationship.

In this episode, I break down why asking for what you want feels so hard, from fear of rejection to the belief that good sex should just “happen” without communication. We talk about how that myth keeps people stuck and why real intimacy is built through curiosity, honesty, and collaboration.

We also get into the practical side of this. How to start the conversation without it feeling overwhelming, why timing matters, how to express your needs without triggering defensiveness, and what it looks like to stay open to your partner’s response. This is not about delivering a perfect script, it is about creating a space where both people feel safe being honest.

We also touch on something that does not get talked about enough, sometimes things feel awkward when you start communicating differently. That does not mean you are doing it wrong. It means you are growing and building something more intentional.

This episode is your reminder that your pleasure matters. You are allowed to have wants, desires, and a voice in your sexual experiences. Your partner cannot meet needs they do not know exist, and when you start speaking up, even in small ways, you create the possibility for deeper connection and better sex.

Resources

If you’re looking for a high-quality lubricant that actually enhances the experience instead of distracting from it, I’ve got you covered.

👉 Click here to try Überlube

When you use that link, you’ll receive a Free Überlube Sachet added to your order (U.S. only).

Using the link also helps support the podcast, so it’s a win-win.

Are you a healthcare professional or mental health therapist and looking for sex therapy continuing education? Get 10% of your first course here by using code podcast10

A list of sex education, sex therapy, and relationship resources here

Sign up for my online class here

You can now watch the full video podcast on YouTube!

Let's get social: Website / Instagram / YouTube

Please make sure to subscribe and rate my podcast!

Today’s episode is for my vulva owners, and honestly, for anyone who wants to rethink how we approach pleasure.

We are stepping away from penetration and shifting the focus to something that often gets overlooked, fingers and tongues. Not because penetration is bad or off limits, but because so much of our cultural understanding of sex has been built around it being the “main event.”

In this episode, we break that idea down.

We talk about why penetration is not the primary pathway to orgasm for many vulva owners, what the research actually says about clitoral stimulation, and how slowing things down can completely change your sexual experience. This is about moving away from performance and into curiosity, connection, and sensation.

We also get into how shame, expectations, and relationship dynamics shape how we define “good sex,” and why expanding your definition can lead to more pleasure and intimacy.

And yes, there is some practical homework in here too.

If you are looking to feel more connected to your body or your partner, this episode will give you a different lens to explore from.

Resources

If you’re looking for a high-quality lubricant that actually enhances the experience instead of distracting from it, I’ve got you covered.

👉 Click here to try Überlube

When you use that link, you’ll receive a Free Überlube Sachet added to your order (U.S. only).

Using the link also helps support the podcast, so it’s a win-win.

Are you a healthcare professional or mental health therapist and looking for sex therapy continuing education? Get 10% of your first course here by using code podcast10

A list of sex education, sex therapy, and relationship resources here

Sign up for my online class here

You can now watch the full video podcast on YouTube!

Let's get social: Website / Instagram / YouTube

Please make sure to subscribe and rate my podcast!

This episode is for anyone who has ever felt the sting of rejection and wondered what it says about them. I get real about my own experiences, from the subtle brush offs to the more obvious hits, and how those moments can stick with us longer than we would like.

Here is the shift I want you to take with you. Rejection is not a verdict on your worth, it is information. It is clarity. It shows you where you do not fit so you can stop trying to force yourself into spaces that were never meant for you.

We talk about the trap of chasing validation, the fantasy that if someone just gets to know you they will change their mind, and why that mindset keeps you stuck. Then we move into something more grounded. Confidence that comes from within. The belief that you deserve to be here just as much as anyone else.

This is about letting people opt out, so the right people can opt in. It may still sting, that part is human, but it does not get to define you.

Resources

If you’re looking for a high-quality lubricant that actually enhances the experience instead of distracting from it, I’ve got you covered.

👉 Click here to try Überlube

When you use that link, you’ll receive a Free Überlube Sachet added to your order (U.S. only).

Using the link also helps support the podcast, so it’s a win-win.

Are you a healthcare professional or mental health therapist and looking for sex therapy continuing education? Get 10% of your first course here by using code podcast10

A list of sex education, sex therapy, and relationship resources here

Sign up for my online class here

You can now watch the full video podcast on YouTube!

Let's get social: Website / Instagram / YouTube

Please make sure to subscribe and rate my podcast!

I sat down with Victoria Byler, LPCC, owner of Revive Counseling, for a conversation that feels especially important right now. We dive into men, masculinity, and what it actually means to show up emotionally in a world that often teaches men to shut parts of themselves down.

We talk about how shame shapes male identity, why vulnerability can feel so threatening, and what therapy looks like when men are finally given permission to feel instead of perform. This episode explores the pressures men face, the misconceptions around masculinity, and how emotional connection is not a weakness but growth.

Whether you are a man trying to understand yourself better, someone who loves a man, or a clinician wanting deeper insight into working with male clients, this conversation opens the door to curiosity, compassion, and honest reflection.

You can find Victoria on Instagram @revive_with_v

Are you a healthcare professional or mental health therapist and looking for sex therapy continuing education? Get 10% of your first course here by using code podcast10

A list of sex education, sex therapy, and relationship resources here

Sign up for my online class here

You can now watch the full video podcast on YouTube!

Let's get social: Website / Instagram / YouTube

Please make sure to subscribe and rate my podcast!

This episode might feel like a bit of a bait and switch, but stick with me.

Your friends are great. They love you, support you, hype you up, and probably have way too many stories about your past that they love bringing up at the worst times. There is real connection there, and a lot of vulnerability.

But here is the question we are exploring today, should they be your go to source for advice about sex and relationships?

In this episode, we unpack how all of us were raised in a sex negative culture and how that shapes the advice we give and receive. Just because someone is confident or experienced does not mean they are informed. A lot of what gets passed around as “advice” is actually rooted in hurt, bias, or a few past experiences that turned into rigid rules.

This is not about cutting your friends out. It is about getting more intentional with whose voice you give authority to when it comes to your body, your boundaries, and your relationships.

We talk about how to stay grounded in your own values, how to get curious about where advice is coming from, and how to move away from inherited scripts so you can build something that actually works for you.

Resources

If you’re looking for a high-quality lubricant that actually enhances the experience instead of distracting from it, I’ve got you covered.

👉 Click here to try Überlube

When you use that link, you’ll receive a Free Überlube Sachet added to your order (U.S. only).

Using the link also helps support the podcast, so it’s a win-win.

Are you a healthcare professional or mental health therapist and looking for sex therapy continuing education? Get 10% of your first course here by using code podcast10

A list of sex education, sex therapy, and relationship resources here

Sign up for my online class here

You can now watch the full video podcast on YouTube!

Let's get social: Website / Instagram / YouTube

Please make sure to subscribe and rate my podcast!

Today’s episode dives into one of the most misunderstood and emotionally charged topics I get asked about all the time, sex addiction.

Or maybe more accurately, what people think sex addiction is.

We are breaking down why the term is not officially recognized in the DSM-5, what clinicians actually look for when someone feels out of control, and why frequency alone is not the right question to be asking.

If you have ever wondered, “Am I addicted to porn?” or “Is something wrong with me for thinking about sex this much?” this episode is for you.

We explore the difference between behavior and function, how shame plays a massive role in how people interpret their sexuality, and why labeling something as an addiction can sometimes shut down curiosity instead of creating understanding.

This is not about minimizing struggle. There are absolutely people who feel stuck in patterns that feel compulsive and distressing. But the goal is not to pathologize sexuality. The goal is to understand it.

If you are questioning your relationship with sex, this episode will help you slow things down, get curious, and start asking better questions.

You are not broken. You are human.

Resources

If you’re looking for a high-quality lubricant that actually enhances the experience instead of distracting from it, I’ve got you covered.

👉 Click here to try Überlube

When you use that link, you’ll receive a Free Überlube Sachet added to your order (U.S. only).

Using the link also helps support the podcast, so it’s a win-win.

Are you a healthcare professional or mental health therapist and looking for sex therapy continuing education? Get 10% of your first course here by using code podcast10

A list of sex education, sex therapy, and relationship resources here

Sign up for my online class here

You can now watch the full video podcast on YouTube!

Let's get social: Website / Instagram / YouTube

Please make sure to subscribe and rate my podcast!