Most likely, your husband would not “want” to do couples therapy. Or relationship coaching. Or read that book on the different types of love languages.

And, guess what?

That doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you, feel you’re important, or care about your relationship. It just means he doesn’t want to.

The meaning you put on your partner’s actions (or lack of action) will determine the thoughts you think about them, the feelings you have towards them, and how you act (or don’t act). If you think these thoughts enough times, they will become beliefs.

To be clear, your beliefs are not typically based on facts. They’re based on assumptions you have made about your partner and thoughts you’ve had many times. These thoughts appear as you observe your partner through your unique filter, which is influenced by your childhood experiences, parents’ relationship dynamics, past relationship experiences, and general worldview.

The beliefs you have about your partner will greatly influence the meaning you put on their actions.

So, basically we live in a perpetual cycle of thoughts/beliefs -> feelings -> reactions with our partners. And they live the same cycle from their point of view.

The keys to success?

Choose thoughts that serve you, your partner, and your relationship. Give your partner the benefit of the doubt. Create an emotionally safe space in which they can share their true thoughts and feelings, so you have an accurate understanding of the meaning behind their behavior. And listen to this week’s episode to learn more.