One of the most challenging dynamics couples face is when one (or both) partners lie. Being lied to can be extremely triggering within a romantic relationship. Growing up, we’re taught about the inherent “wrongness” in lying and those lessons become internalized as unwavering beliefs.

“Bad people lie.”

“People who lie have something to hide.”

“If someone loves you, they will always be honest with you.”

Learning your partner has lied can lead to a cascade of worry thoughts and questioning past experiences, like:

“How could the one person who is supposed to love and care for me LIE to me?”

“They must not love me as much as they say they do.”

“They must have something to hide.”

“If they’ve lied about this, what else might they have lied about?”

While this is normal, it likely won’t serve you, your relationship, or lead to more honesty from your partner. Lying often comes in moments of emotional stress, as a means of surviving this moment. (Yes, we know they would survive without lying, but it doesn’t always feel that way). This means that establishing a culture of emotional safety is crucial in shifting a dynamic of dishonesty.

If you want to know more about why our partners’ lie and how to change this pattern, be sure to listen to this week’s episode.