August 31, 2025

Welcome to Season 2, Episode 3, Shades of Pleasure

Four sexologists open up about life, love, and the pursuit of consensual non monogamy.

In this episode, Mou, Melissa, Wayne, and Kelly discuss the ebb and flow of feelings, and explore “catching feelings” as the common rhetoric of what to share in relationships—especially within non-monogamy. They unpack why naming “feelings” may matter, when to lean into it instead of avoiding it, and when “catching feelings” is relevant (or not) to relationship agreements.

Big ideas

* Radical fear = name it, don’t dodge it. Identifying the core fear (loss, FOMO, rupture, time/attention shifts) helps partners understand each other and hold space rather than spiral in assumption.

* Leaning in is the “radical” part. We’re socialized to avoid what scares us; choosing to face it opens doors to honesty and intimacy.

* “Catching feelings” isn’t automatically a crisis. It matters mainly when it signals escalation (e.g., cohabitation, kids) or resource changes (time, priority, responsibilities). Otherwise, feelings ebb/flow like deep friendships.

* Check-ins with purpose. Don’t report feelings just to report them; share when something will shift agreements, time, or household realities.

* Never say never. Boundaries and desires evolve; what was once a “no” can become a “maybe” as people grow.

* When fear hijacks the nervous system. You can’t “manage” emotions away; co-regulate instead (hugging, hand-holding, breathing together) and offer grounded reassurance without empty promises.

* Know your anchor. Return to your core reason for practicing non-monogamy (your “why/anchor”) when anxiety spikes.

* Mind the language. “Reasons” may land softer than “why”; avoid implying “resistance.” Watch for emotions being wielded to control outcomes.

* Gendered socialization. Women are pushed to do emotional labor; men are discouraged from feeling/crying—both miss out on full expression.

* It’s okay if it’s not for everyone. Readiness varies by person, partner, and season.

Practical tools mentioned

* Name the fear explicitly before discussing solutions.

* Purposeful check-ins: Share when feelings will affect time, priorities, or agreements.

* Co-regulation in the moment: physical contact + slow breathing.

* Re-anchor: Revisit your core reasons/values when overwhelmed.

* Language tweaks: Use invitations (“Want to talk more about what got you here?”) rather than labels (“What’s your resistance?”)

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August 17, 2025

Welcome to Season 2, Episode 2, Shades of Pleasure

Four sexologists open up about life, love, and the pursuit of consensual non monogamy.

In this episode, Mou, Melissa, Wayne, and Kelly dive into the theme of jealousy and fear in relationships, particularly within non-monogamy. The conversation centers around the idea of radical fear—the recognition that fear underlies jealousy, insecurity, conflict, and even the difficulty of asking for what we want in relationships.

The hosts explore how fear connects to attachment styles, with some people fearing the loss of a partner and others fearing the loss of themselves or their autonomy. They discuss how reframing jealousy as fear can help clients and partners alike approach it with compassion rather than denial.

From there, the group expands into the importance of emotional safety. They highlight how safety is not absolute but can be cultivated as “safe enough” spaces where honesty and vulnerability can emerge. The conversation touches on practical ways to build safety in relationships—through self-regulation, attunement to emotional energy, curiosity instead of defensiveness, and creating shared vocabulary.

The hosts also reflect on the dynamics of couple privilege in non-monogamy, where couples sometimes close relationships out of fear, which can perpetuate monogamy as the default cultural norm. They challenge listeners to question whether closing is truly about values or simply about avoiding discomfort.

Finally, they affirm that while non-monogamy isn’t for everyone, its framework—centered on communication, consent, and questioning defaults—offers valuable tools for all relationships, monogamous or not. They emphasize the role of somatic awareness in managing dysregulation and creating connection, reminding listeners that experiential safety is just as important as conceptual understanding.

The episode closes with the group acknowledging how much they themselves learned from the discussion, underscoring that these conversations are not just clinical but deeply human.

✨ Key Takeaways:

* Jealousy is rooted in radical fear—fear of loss, rejection, or change.

* Facing fear compassionately opens the door to honesty, vulnerability, and safety.

* Emotional safety is co-created, not guaranteed, and requires regulation, attunement, and curiosity.

* Non-monogamy highlights relational growth, but its tools can benefit all relationship styles.

* Somatic and embodied practices help people recognize, name, and manage dysregulation.

Get full access to Shades of Pleasure Podcast at shadesofpleasure.substack.com/subscribe

August 9, 2025

Welcome to Season 2, Episode 1, Shades of Pleasure

Four sexologists open up about life, love, and the pursuit of consensual non monogamy.

In this Season 2 opening episode of Shades of Pleasure, Mou, Melissa, Wayne, and Kelly revisit key conversations from season one on dismantling monogamy hangovers, challenging heteronormativity, and deconstructing couple privilege. They explore how attachment styles—secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized—impact relationships, especially within non-monogamous contexts. The hosts emphasize that these styles are not fixed or inherently “bad,” but rather coping strategies rooted in early life experiences. Non-monogamy, they note, often amplifies attachment dynamics because it involves navigating multiple relationships, making emotional awareness and conscious communication essential. They caution against rigidly labeling oneself, instead encouraging the use of attachment theory as a flexible lens rather than a limiting identity.

The conversation then turns toward the deeper thread underlying attachment challenges: fear. The hosts propose reframing the work as “radical fear”—acknowledging that insecurity, avoidance, and anxiety often stem from fears about safety, abandonment, or loss. They discuss how societal conditioning, scarcity mindsets, and patriarchal norms shape relational expectations, and how non-monogamy offers opportunities to confront and unlearn these patterns. Through personal examples and client stories, they illustrate how awareness, shared language, and intentional processing can help partners break cyclical patterns, build emotional safety, and adapt outdated coping strategies. Ultimately, the episode frames both monogamous and non-monogamous relationships as fertile ground for growth—if we are willing to face our fears and approach each other with curiosity, compassion, and openness.

Get full access to Shades of Pleasure Podcast at shadesofpleasure.substack.com/subscribe

December 31, 2024

Welcome to Season 1, Episode 10, Shades of Pleasure

Four sexologists open up about life, love, and the pursuit of consensual non monogamy.

In this season finale episode, Melissa, Wayne, Kelly, and Moushumi, four experienced sexologists, explore the challenges of embracing vulnerability, humility, and patience in transforming relationship dynamics. What roles do curiosity, humility, open-mindedness, and managing expectations play in navigating new relationships with metamours, and the shifting dynamics that may emerge between anchor partners?

Get full access to Shades of Pleasure Podcast at shadesofpleasure.substack.com/subscribe

December 23, 2024

Welcome to Season 1, Episode 9, Shades of Pleasure

Four sexologists open up about life, love, and the pursuit of consensual non monogamy.

In this insightful episode, Melissa, Wayne and Moushumi, three of our four experienced sexologist co-hosts attempt to unravel the sometimes complex waters of consensual non-monogamy (CNM). The conversation delves into the unspoken rules and agreements that help these relationships thrive, the delicate balance of power dynamics, mental health within relationships and the challenges of deciding when and how to close a relationship.

Listeners will also gain valuable insights into emotional regulation within CNM, including navigating emotional sobriety, understanding insecurities, and the importance of healthy communication. With honesty and expertise, the panel offer real-life stories for building ethical and fulfilling connections in non-traditional relationships.

Whether you’re new to CNM or looking to deepen your understanding, this episode provides a roadmap for untangling the intricate emotional landscapes of love, trust, and emotional autonomy.

How do we stay present when the dynamics of the relationship affect your mental health?

Get full access to Shades of Pleasure Podcast at shadesofpleasure.substack.com/subscribe

October 6, 2024

Welcome to Season 1, Episode 7, Shades of Pleasure

Four sexologists open up about life, love and the pursuit of consensual non monogamy.

Four sexologists answer the question: what is a monogamy hangover? What happens when we try to incorporate monogamous ideals into non-monogamous ways of relating with others and being? How does this cause misalignments? Much like a hangover, we might bring over jealousy, possession, ownership, feeling threatened when our partner meets someone else- we often default to the things that didn’t serve us in monogamous relationships- perhaps we fear vulnerability, or perhaps some of this is conditioned, or perhaps some of this fear comes from being judged, or perhaps we carry shame from the past.

How do you “cure the hangover?” We do have the freedom to look at those tropes and decide how they may or may not serve us. We can be mindful of the choices we make in our relationships. We can learn new ways of relating, and of being vulnerable.

Listen to this episode to discover the “remedy” for your “hangovers.”

Get full access to Shades of Pleasure Podcast at shadesofpleasure.substack.com/subscribe

October 6, 2024

Welcome to Season 1, Episode 7, Shades of Pleasure

Four sexologists open up about life, love and the pursuit of consensual non monogamy.

Four sexologists answer the question: what is a monogamy hangover? What happens when we try to incorporate monogamous ideals into non-monogamous ways of relating with others and being? How does this cause misalignments? Much like a hangover, we might bring over jealousy, possession, ownership, feeling threatened when our partner meets someone else- we often default to the things that didn’t serve us in monogamous relationships- perhaps we fear vulnerability, or perhaps some of this is conditioned, or perhaps some of this fear comes from being judged, or perhaps we carry shame from the past.

How do you “cure the hangover?” We do have the freedom to look at those tropes and decide how they may or may not serve us. We can be mindful of the choices we make in our relationships. We can learn new ways of relating, and of being vulnerable.

Listen to this episode to discover the “remedy” for your “hangovers.”

Get full access to Shades of Pleasure Podcast at shadesofpleasure.substack.com/subscribe

September 16, 2024

Welcome to Season 1, Episode 6, Shades of Pleasure

Four sexologists open up about life, love and the pursuit of consensual non monogamy.

Four sexologists break down obligatory and entitled sex and it’s role in our cultre and where does ethical non monogamy fit into the picture. The conversation is about rules, who made them, who follows them and how they ultimately hold us back. They also talk about science. The science behind lust, romantic love and attachment, and why so many people experience a decline in lust and romance in thier long term relationships, and the role of non-monogamy in all this, as a form of decolonization, uprising and ultimately with hopes of giving people more options, to see they way that rules hold them back and help them make decisions that suit them and their relationships.

Get full access to Shades of Pleasure Podcast at shadesofpleasure.substack.com/subscribe

August 12, 2024 Welcome to Season 1, Episode 5 of Shades of Pleasure

Four sexologists open up about life, love and the pursuit of consensual non monogamy

Our hosts Mou, Melissa, Wayne, Kelly do a deep dive about time in Consensual Non Monogamy. Love may be infinite in our definition as ethical love activists and there is lots of flexibility in who, how, where and what kind of love, intimacy we get to share, but when is the question of today’s episode, when and how often do you see others?Who in your life gets to say when, how often and what you do with your free time? Do they have a say at all? It’s a very important conversation to have with your partners as assumptions can kill a good thing. This topic is also often one that goes undiscussed in our preparedness talks around ethical and consensual non monogamy, but very important none-the-less. Tune into episode 5 now!

Get full access to Shades of Pleasure Podcast at shadesofpleasure.substack.com/subscribe

July 20, 2024 Welcome to Season 1, Episode 4 of Shades of Pleasure

Four sexologists open up about life, love and the pursuit of consensual non monogamy

Our hosts Mou, Melissa, Wayne, Kelly do a deep dive about aftercare in Consensual Non Monogamy whether it be after a date, or after a rupture. Also, what it means, when is the best time to do it, how to do it, who is the best person to do it, it’s origins in the BDSM/Kink community but it’s widespread use as mental health becomes more centered, and how to manage caring for multiple partners. The hosts explore some of their feelings and experiences including “making the implicit, explicit” addressing the elephant in the room, vulnerability hangovers, casual sex self-after care and tips for dipping into the “general dating pool” as non-monogamous people and so much more.

Get full access to Shades of Pleasure Podcast at shadesofpleasure.substack.com/subscribe