Hi there,

It takes a long time for kids to learn to resist the impulse of the moment. While gripped with powerful wanting of some sort, they have to think of others’ needs, future consequences, or moral precepts. And sometimes the wanting is louder than the shouldn’ts. When that happens with a friend, it can lead to a rift in the friendship that they may or may not be able to repair.

In this week’s podcast, River confesses that she tried to steal her friend’s Laboubou. The impulse is understandable, but how can she make things better with her friend?

Please consider becoming a paid subscriber to Dr. Friendtastic for Parents! Your support helps keep the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast free for everyone!

Warm wishes,

Dr. Eileen

P.S. Scroll down for an easy-to-read podcast TRANSCRIPT, DISCUSSION QUESTIONS, and how to submit YOUR CHILD’S QUESTION.

P.P.S. Check out this month’s featured online course: Kid Conflicts: How Parents Can Help.

You might also like these podcast episodes:

Ep. 117 - How to tell if a friend is loyal (Julian, Age 12)

Ep. 111 - Friend won’t forgive her (Thea, Age 11)

Ep. 1 - Friendship ends over small thing (Naomi, Age 7)

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Send in YOUR kid’s question to be featured on the podcast!

Use your smartphone's memo function or an audio app to record your child's question. Hold the phone close to your child's mouth to make sure the recording is clear. Have your child state:

1. their FIRST NAME (or another first name),

2. their AGE, and

3. a BRIEF QUESTION or concern about friendship. (Please do not include any friends' names.)

Submit the audio file at https://DrFriendtastic.com/submit. I’ll answer as many questions as I can. (Obviously, this is not psychotherapy, and it’s not for emergency situations.)

Send in YOUR kid's question

Think-About-It Questions to discuss with your child

For a quick and easy FRIENDSHIP LESSON, play the podcast up to the end of the kid’s question, then ask your child/students what advice they’d give. Play my answer, then use the discussion questions below to deepen your child’s/students’ understanding.

• Why do you think kids sometimes take things that don’t belong to them? Why is stealing not a good idea?

• Describe a time when you were tempted to do something you knew was wrong but didn’t. How did you resist the temptation?

• What does “make amends” mean? Why is it a good thing to do in relationships? What could you do to make amends if you accidentally broke a friend’s toy?

• Dr. Friendtastic says, “Situational control is always easier than self-control.” What does that mean? How could you set up your situation to make sure you get dressed quickly in the morning? How could you set up your situation to make sure you do your work instead of getting distracted at school?

Transcript

Have you ever felt guilty about something you did? Maybe you accidentally hurt someone or did something you know isn’t right.

Guilt is that pinch of conscience that happens when we realize we did something wrong or hurtful. It tells us, “Ooh! I shouldn’t have done that!” It’s actually a good thing because it motivates us to apologize, make things right, and try to avoid doing whatever it was in the future.

Guilt can guide us to repair friendships. Take a listen.

(Music & Intro)

Hi there! I’m Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore, also known as Dr. Friendtastic. I’m an author and clinical psychologist based in Princeton, NJ. Each week, on the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast, I answer a question from a kid about making and keeping friends.

If you have a question you’d like me to answer, you can send it in at DrFriendtastic.com/submit.

Here’s today’s question:

Hi, Dr. Friendtastic! My name is River and I’m nine years old. And my question about friendship is: My friends and I were playing on the trampoline in my friend’s backyard, and I took one of my friend’s Labubu. I was trying to steal it. I apologized to my friend, but I want advice on how I can handle this situation, and how I can make it right to my friend. Bye, Dr. Friendtastic.

Hi, River. Thanks for sending in your question! Let’s focus first on the moment when you took your friend’s Labubu. I’m guessing it was an especially cute one! You probably felt envious that she owned it, and you didn’t. In that moment, you wanted it intensely, and that wanting temporarily blocked out any other thoughts or feelings. You didn’t think about how your friend might feel to lose her toy, or what could happen if you got caught… The impulse to grab it was strong, so you did.

And somehow your friend found out that you stole it, which made you feel guilty.

But then you took some very important steps: You admitted that you were trying to steal the toy, instead of lying, making excuses, or blaming someone else. You apologized to your friend. And now, you’re thinking about how to make things right with your friend. All of that tells me that you’re the kind of kid who wants to do the right thing. That’s great!

Everyone makes mistakes sometimes in friendships. So, when–not if–we do something that hurts a friend, we need to do what we can to make things right and try to figure out how to avoid doing that mistake in the future.

I’m glad you apologized to your friend. I assume you gave her back the Labubu. You might also want to give her something to emphasize that you’re sorry. This could be an accessory for her Labubu or a nice card or drawing you make for her. An apology holds more weight if there’s action along with it. Making amends means doing something good to show that you’re sorry for something bad you’ve done.

Now your job is to figure out how to prevent something like this from happening again. I don’t think the problem was that you didn’t know stealing is wrong or that you don’t care enough about your friend. The problem was resisting the impulse to take something you wanted that wasn’t yours. What might help you to resist that impulse?

Situational control is always easier than self control, so think about how you could set up the situation so you’d be less likely to steal something. This might mean trying not to be alone with your friend’s Labubus or maybe suggesting a different activity if playing with them is too tempting.

It’s also easier to replace a behavior than to stop it, so think about what you could do instead when you’re tempted to take something that’s not yours. Maybe you could cross your arms and give yourself a little squeeze, or sit on your hands, or take a few steps back, away from the toy.

Sometimes, thinking about our values or the bigger picture can help us make good choices. When you feel an urge to steal, just notice it. Wanting something is understandable, but an urge doesn’t have to lead to action. Tell yourself a short phrase that will help you resist acting on the urge. This might be “People are more important than things,” or “I want to be a trustworthy person,” or even “My friend will be mad at me if I take this.” Then distract yourself and just wait for the urge to pass.

It may take your friend some time to be able to trust you again, but the fact that you recognize the problem and are willing to try to do better is a very good start!

This has been Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic. You can learn even more about friendship through my funny and practical books for kids: Growing Friendships: A Kids’ Guide to Making and Keeping Friends and Growing Feelings: A Kids’ Guide to Dealing with Emotions About Friends and Other Kids. They’re available through your library or wherever you buy books.

Parents, check the show notes for a link to get my free guide featuring 12 ways to help your child make friends.

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The Dr. Friendtastic for Parents newsletter and the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast are for educational purposes only. They may or may not be relevant for your particular situation. I trust you to use your judgment about what’s right for your child and your family.