Shmiras Halashon Daily

You heard she has a health issue - but do you actually know it?

Returning to a hidden health issue, Rabbi Klapper now applies it to the girl. If a person has firsthand knowledge that she has this condition, he must tell the chosson. But if he only heard it from others, the way he reveals it matters enormously: it must be made clear this is not certain, not established fact, but a shmua worth looking into. The chosson should understand he isn't to break the shidduch on it - rather he should investigate it properly, both medically and halachically, before doing anything. When information could be critical yet isn't firsthand, expressing it exactly that way is essential.

An important distinction to master - tune in and come back tomorrow.

Hosted by Rabbi Ari Klapper and produced by Eli Podcast Productions, this episode is part of the Real Judaism series, available on RealJudaism.org. Don't forget to subscribe and share to stay connected with our daily lessons and timeless Torah insights!

The shidduch is already sealed - is it too late to speak up?

Rabbi Klapper, stressing again that all the rules of to'eles apply, asks what happens once a shidduch is already finalized and something hidden on the girl's side comes to light. It depends on the chosson. If he will be chosheish - taking the information to protect himself and bringing it to his rav to decide whether to break the shidduch or simply be wary of future issues - then yes, it's important to tell him. But if you know he'll just break the shidduch impulsively, without asking anyone or looking into anything, then it is not proper to tell him about his future father-in-law's deception.

Nuanced and real - listen in, and see you tomorrow.

Hosted by Rabbi Ari Klapper and produced by Eli Podcast Productions, this episode is part of the Real Judaism series, available on RealJudaism.org. Don't forget to subscribe and share to stay connected with our daily lessons and timeless Torah insights!

Does the boy even care about the money - or is he just taking whatever he can get?

Rabbi Klapper turns to the boy's side before the shidduch is closed: he hears the potential father-in-law promising an amount he knows isn't true. The key question is what the boy would do with it. If knowing the truth would be m'vateil the shidduch entirely, then certainly you should not say anything. But if it wouldn't break the match - he doesn't really need the money and is only trying to get what he can - then there's a to'eles in helping him secure it, and there's reason to share. Yet as established earlier, if the chosson's side is also not being fully honest about what they're bringing, the two knock each other out and you have no right to reveal it.

Follow the logic through - tune in and return tomorrow.

Hosted by Rabbi Ari Klapper and produced by Eli Podcast Productions, this episode is part of the Real Judaism series, available on RealJudaism.org. Don't forget to subscribe and share to stay connected with our daily lessons and timeless Torah insights!

How can you be truly certain a father-in-law's money promise is a lie?

Rabbi Klapper goes deeper on the money question: before you can warn the boy's side that the girl's father is promising what he can't deliver, you must actually know it. The Chofetz Chaim gives three grounds: the family is genuinely, verifiably destitute (and even then, people hide money and outsiders rarely know a bank account); or you know the person firsthand to be sneaky, with bad midos and a history of broken promises; or you literally heard him say he has no intention of keeping his word. Only with real certainty may you reveal it. Remember, too, that a family that isn't rich will often be more moseir nefesh than a wealthy one to support a young couple in learning.

Precise, careful halacha - listen in and come back tomorrow.

Hosted by Rabbi Ari Klapper and produced by Eli Podcast Productions, this episode is part of the Real Judaism series, available on RealJudaism.org. Don't forget to subscribe and share to stay connected with our daily lessons and timeless Torah insights!

If you're sure they won't listen anyway, should you even say it?

Rabbi Klapper flips the case to the girl's side: what if she has a hidden illness, or her home is one of pritzus, and it's being concealed from the chosson? Here the deciding factor is whether the other side will actually act on the information. If they won't listen and will simply pocket it, there's no to'eles - and worse, later when the shidduch sours it could be dredged up as rechilus ('I should have listened when they told me about this'). But if the person will genuinely be wary and take these serious matters to heart, then it is very important to share, because such things can be a real reason not to proceed with the shidduch.

Tune in to see how to'eles turns on the listener - back tomorrow.

Hosted by Rabbi Ari Klapper and produced by Eli Podcast Productions, this episode is part of the Real Judaism series, available on RealJudaism.org. Don't forget to subscribe and share to stay connected with our daily lessons and timeless Torah insights!

If both families are stretching the truth about money, who exactly is being wronged?

Rabbi Klapper takes up money in shidduchim: if the girl's father pledges an amount everyone believes he can't afford, may you warn the other side? First, it's genuinely hard to know - people who seem to have nothing sometimes manage to come through. But beyond that, the Chofetz Chaim observes that both sides often shade the truth about what they'll bring to the match. Since each one is doing the same, they effectively knock each other out, and there's no reason to expose one side's exaggeration when the other is likely doing it too. As in every case of doubt about whether to speak, the best eitzah is to ask your rav first.

Listen in for the practical bottom line - more tomorrow.

Hosted by Rabbi Ari Klapper and produced by Eli Podcast Productions, this episode is part of the Real Judaism series, available on RealJudaism.org. Don't forget to subscribe and share to stay connected with our daily lessons and timeless Torah insights!

If you want to know whether the boy can really learn, why can't you just ask?

Rabbi Klapper explains that when someone asks whether a potential chosson is a talmid chacham who knows how to learn, you should not answer. If the girl's side truly wants to know, the tools are in their own hands: the father can sit and learn with the boy himself, or send him to a trusted rav or talmid chacham to be tested. What 'talmid chacham' even means differs entirely depending on who's asking - every family's level is different. So it's their responsibility to check in a permitted way. And if they choose not to, that shows it isn't so important to them and they accept him as he is - which means you still may not reveal this information.

A subtle, practical halacha - listen in and come back tomorrow.

Hosted by Rabbi Ari Klapper and produced by Eli Podcast Productions, this episode is part of the Real Judaism series, available on RealJudaism.org. Don't forget to subscribe and share to stay connected with our daily lessons and timeless Torah insights!

When does staying silent about a shidduch become 'standing by your brother's blood'?

Rabbi Klapper covers two categories that must be shared in a shidduch. First, a serious hidden condition - a genetic or chronic disease, or someone internally weak and sickly - should be revealed, following all the rules of to'eles: know with complete clarity it's real, don't exaggerate, and keep the proper kavanah. Second, if one side leans toward apikorsus - not believing parts of the Torah, or being mevazeh talmidei chachamim - and you know it as fact, you must tell the other side. This falls under lo saamod al dam rei'echa, not standing by while your brother is endangered. Both must be fully verified with all the rules of to'eles, but both must be said.

Serious halachos handled with care - tune in and return tomorrow.

Hosted by Rabbi Ari Klapper and produced by Eli Podcast Productions, this episode is part of the Real Judaism series, available on RealJudaism.org. Don't forget to subscribe and share to stay connected with our daily lessons and timeless Torah insights!

Can a person's grandparents' sins be used to sink his shidduch?

Rabbi Klapper teaches that it is forbidden to embarrass someone over the deeds of their ancestors. If a person is a baal teshuvah - a wonderful person, a yerei Shamayim with fine midos - the fact that his parents, grandparents, or great-grandparents lived far from Torah is no reason to ruin his shidduch. In our generation, the Chofetz Chaim reminds us, baalei teshuvah are exceedingly chashuv. Putting someone down for what earlier generations did falls squarely into the category of lashon hara, and one may not speak about it.

A powerful reminder about judging people for who they are - listen in and come back tomorrow.

Hosted by Rabbi Ari Klapper and produced by Eli Podcast Productions, this episode is part of the Real Judaism series, available on RealJudaism.org. Don't forget to subscribe and share to stay connected with our daily lessons and timeless Torah insights!

Is it really worth being 'in with the in crowd' if the price is your own good midos?

Rabbi Klapper takes a side point from the discussion of judging others' midos: some people are quick-witted enough to cut someone down in a single sharp line, and those who won't join in get labeled dull or unintelligent. But often those 'quiet' people are simply refusing to take part in shtus and aveiros. The Chofetz Chaim warns how culture pulls good people into mocking others just to be popular and cool. Quoting Mesechta Eidus, he teaches it is better to be called a fool your whole life than to do one evil deed before Hashem. Choose your groups carefully - run from those who belittle others, and join those strong in avodas Hashem and midos tovos.

Listen and take this one to heart - see you tomorrow.

Hosted by Rabbi Ari Klapper and produced by Eli Podcast Productions, this episode is part of the Real Judaism series, available on RealJudaism.org. Don't forget to subscribe and share to stay connected with our daily lessons and timeless Torah insights!