Nearly ten years ago, I trained as a clinical hypnotherapist.

I wanted to help my clients break free from long-standing, limiting patterns like workaholism and people-pleasing and to help them access the freedom to honor their inner wisdom.

In our first weekend workshop, my teacher gave us an instruction that surprised me in its simplicity and that, in retrospect, shaped me into a far more confident person.

He told us—From now on, when someone gives you a compliment, say thank you.

That’s it. Don’t diminish the compliment, tell them about all the mistakes you’ve made, or project your attention back on the other person.

Just say thank you.

Since then, I’ve shared my teacher’s wisdom with my own clients. And I’ve come to think of it as one of my favorite tools in my arsenal of shoy.

That’s right—shoy.

Shared Joy & Bragging Gratitude

Coined by clinical psychologist Catherine Chambliss and her team, shoy is short for shared joy. It is the practice of showing interest when someone else relates a success story with your body language, voice, and follow-up questions.

My other new favorite word is bragitude—the practice of expressing gratitude when someone else’s support or success contributes to our own. It’s telling another person about our win and then thanking them for how they helped.

The research around the importance of sharing celebration and appreciation is clear:

Relationship researcher John Gottman found that the most significant factor predicting a married couple’s likelihood of divorce was the ratio of positive to negative comments the partners made to each other. He found that the optimal ratio was five positive comments for every negative one.

Similarly, researchers found that the highest-performing leadership teams at a company gave 5.6 positive comments for each negative one, and the lowest-performing teams gave 0.36 positive comments to each negative one.[1]

And yet, the cultural norm in so many of our organizations is to dive right into the work and neglect taking time to connect, give thanks, and celebrate. But when we treat celebration and gratitude as if they were wastes of time, we drain our energy and limit our capacity.

Here are five ideas for integrating more shoy and bragitude in your life:

Begin meetings or family dinners with everyone sharing one thing that’s bringing them joy or with the question What’s new and good?

End meetings with everyone sharing one thing they are taking away or are grateful for from the meeting.

When someone does something that you appreciate, thank them and be as specific as possible about why you’re grateful.

When others compliment you, catch yourself if you start batting away their kind words, and simply, say thank you.

Track how many positive comments you give in comparison to negative ones. And experiment with intentionally increasing the positive one. Of course, be mindful not to stockpile grievances. This isn’t an invitation to avoid giving challenging feedback but rather an invite to seize the opportunity to give thanks and praise.

As Brené Brown wrote in Atlas of the Heart, "In the midst of joy, there's often a quiver, a shudder of vulnerability. Rather than using that as a warning sign to practice imagining the worst-case scenario, the people who lean into joy use the quiver as a reminder to practice gratitude…

In our research, we found that everyone who showed a deep capacity for joy had one thing in common: They practiced gratitude.”

Over the years, I’ve come to rely on my practice of shared joy to help my clients—and myself—cultivate confidence, expand joy, and step fully into what we’re called to do next.

I invite you to choose one of the practices above and notice the difference it makes for you.

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If you’re longing to build your confidence as a leader and to be supported by a group of like-minded peers who are excited to celebrate your successes with you,