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Sh*t is Warm... that's why change is HARD...
In this episode, Emma explores ambivalence and asks ‘Where are you on the cycle of readiness to change?'
This podcast provides an invaluable insight into why we can sit on the fence about change, no matter how much we 'think' or tell ourselves we want to change. But we can all change and move forward successfully with our lives when we understand why we hesitate/procrastinate.
KEY TAKEAWAYS
Readiness to change
In therapy, there is a 6-stage model of readiness to change - knowing where you are on it helps;
Are you paying lip service to changing, or are you ready to do the work and make the change?
Pre-contemplation
The person doesn’t recognise there is a problem even when others are pointing it out to them.
Contemplation
This is when a seed of doubt creeps in for the person. They begin to acknowledge that there is a problem and that they are using unhealthy coping strategies. However, they are not in a position where they are looking to change or resolve the problem.
Determination
This is when the person realises there is a problem and that they "should" do something about it.
Action
This is where the person takes action and does something to solve the problem.
Maintenance
This is when the person has made changes and is committed to keeping going in the new direction. They may not have completely solved the problem, but they are on the right path.
Relapse
This is when you go back to where you were before. This can be to any point prior, it may be a lapse and you can quickly move back into maintenance or you can revert all the way back to pre-contemplation.
Ambivalence can be present at any point in the process
In therapy you are working on the bigger picture - how do you handle feelings and emotions? What is keeping you stuck? What is the payoff for NOT changing? And how is your own brain getting in your way?
Motivation for Change vs not Changing
For some people, the problem has become a huge part of their identity and they find it difficult to imagine who they would be if they made a change.
Experienced therapists managing ambivalence may be the client's first experience of good clear boundaries.
A therapist can accept ambivalent behaviour because they understand what's going on.
In your brain, you have the executive centre where logical cause and effect decisions are made and the fight, flight or freeze part of your brain, the amygdala, located towards the back of your brain.
When you think you might have to make a change, the amygdala part of your brain starts jumping up and down and jabbering. This inner voice is not at all helpful, but is your brain trying to keep you safe - but 'safe' means 'the same', and that chimp is stronger than your logical self! when you don't know how to handle it!
Ask Yourself
Is there is a situation or person that you are not dealing with because of your ambivalence?
Where are you on the cycle of readiness to change?
It’s important to understand that what often keeps us ambivalent is the shame around the unhelpful behaviour, but conversely what often tips us into action IS shame - 'the straw that broke the camel's back'.
Staying stuck out of shame is very common but if you are staying stuck out of shame you are only compounding the situation, AND your feeling of shame.
There is a difference between shame and guilt. Shame is difficult to release yourself from, it goes hand in hand with low self-worth and is isolating. Guilt is easier to handle!
When you choose to nourish yourself physically and emotionally everything will shift, and you can start moving towards what you really want in life.
BEST MOMENTS
‘It can look a lot like stress’
‘They may google ‘you’re drinking too much’
‘They are committed to doing more of the same to get them to where they want to get to’
‘The dream client – ready and willing to take action’
‘I can tell if the client is too ambivalent to undertake the process’
‘They (clients) are there but they are not yet there’
‘Every session is potentially the last session as any client can become ambivalent at any point’
‘Reduce the feeling of shame first’
‘Ask will this nourish me or punish me?’
‘The ambivalence is not the block, the shame is’
VALUABLE RESOURCES
https://itunes.apple.com/ie/podcast/cut-the-crap-podcast/id1451700671?mt=2&i=1000430066628
www.bodymindandspirithealing.com
ABOUT THE HOST
Emma Murphy MIACP, BA (Hons) Psych, PGDip Counselling & Psychotherapy, Certified Disordered Eating Practitioner (NCFED UK), FETAC Trainer, Certified Self-Love Coach and all-round Good Egg. Likes old rock music, eating food and being outside in the sunshine. Has a Boxer called Boots and a Jack Russell called Millie, both rescues. Married with a cute but pain in the arse 13-year-old daughter. Either she’ll grow out of it or I’ll therapy it out of her!
I now train other therapists in my Disordered Eating program – Eating Freely – for Binge Eating, Emotional Eating and Bulimia. If you are interested in learning more about this specific area of my work, visit www.eating-freely.com.
CONTACT METHOD
View all episodes
By Emma MurphyIn this episode, Emma explores ambivalence and asks ‘Where are you on the cycle of readiness to change?'
This podcast provides an invaluable insight into why we can sit on the fence about change, no matter how much we 'think' or tell ourselves we want to change. But we can all change and move forward successfully with our lives when we understand why we hesitate/procrastinate.
KEY TAKEAWAYS
Readiness to change
In therapy, there is a 6-stage model of readiness to change - knowing where you are on it helps;
Are you paying lip service to changing, or are you ready to do the work and make the change?
Pre-contemplation
The person doesn’t recognise there is a problem even when others are pointing it out to them.
Contemplation
This is when a seed of doubt creeps in for the person. They begin to acknowledge that there is a problem and that they are using unhealthy coping strategies. However, they are not in a position where they are looking to change or resolve the problem.
Determination
This is when the person realises there is a problem and that they "should" do something about it.
Action
This is where the person takes action and does something to solve the problem.
Maintenance
This is when the person has made changes and is committed to keeping going in the new direction. They may not have completely solved the problem, but they are on the right path.
Relapse
This is when you go back to where you were before. This can be to any point prior, it may be a lapse and you can quickly move back into maintenance or you can revert all the way back to pre-contemplation.
Ambivalence can be present at any point in the process
In therapy you are working on the bigger picture - how do you handle feelings and emotions? What is keeping you stuck? What is the payoff for NOT changing? And how is your own brain getting in your way?
Motivation for Change vs not Changing
For some people, the problem has become a huge part of their identity and they find it difficult to imagine who they would be if they made a change.
Experienced therapists managing ambivalence may be the client's first experience of good clear boundaries.
A therapist can accept ambivalent behaviour because they understand what's going on.
In your brain, you have the executive centre where logical cause and effect decisions are made and the fight, flight or freeze part of your brain, the amygdala, located towards the back of your brain.
When you think you might have to make a change, the amygdala part of your brain starts jumping up and down and jabbering. This inner voice is not at all helpful, but is your brain trying to keep you safe - but 'safe' means 'the same', and that chimp is stronger than your logical self! when you don't know how to handle it!
Ask Yourself
Is there is a situation or person that you are not dealing with because of your ambivalence?
Where are you on the cycle of readiness to change?
It’s important to understand that what often keeps us ambivalent is the shame around the unhelpful behaviour, but conversely what often tips us into action IS shame - 'the straw that broke the camel's back'.
Staying stuck out of shame is very common but if you are staying stuck out of shame you are only compounding the situation, AND your feeling of shame.
There is a difference between shame and guilt. Shame is difficult to release yourself from, it goes hand in hand with low self-worth and is isolating. Guilt is easier to handle!
When you choose to nourish yourself physically and emotionally everything will shift, and you can start moving towards what you really want in life.
BEST MOMENTS
‘It can look a lot like stress’
‘They may google ‘you’re drinking too much’
‘They are committed to doing more of the same to get them to where they want to get to’
‘The dream client – ready and willing to take action’
‘I can tell if the client is too ambivalent to undertake the process’
‘They (clients) are there but they are not yet there’
‘Every session is potentially the last session as any client can become ambivalent at any point’
‘Reduce the feeling of shame first’
‘Ask will this nourish me or punish me?’
‘The ambivalence is not the block, the shame is’
VALUABLE RESOURCES
https://itunes.apple.com/ie/podcast/cut-the-crap-podcast/id1451700671?mt=2&i=1000430066628
www.bodymindandspirithealing.com
ABOUT THE HOST
Emma Murphy MIACP, BA (Hons) Psych, PGDip Counselling & Psychotherapy, Certified Disordered Eating Practitioner (NCFED UK), FETAC Trainer, Certified Self-Love Coach and all-round Good Egg. Likes old rock music, eating food and being outside in the sunshine. Has a Boxer called Boots and a Jack Russell called Millie, both rescues. Married with a cute but pain in the arse 13-year-old daughter. Either she’ll grow out of it or I’ll therapy it out of her!
I now train other therapists in my Disordered Eating program – Eating Freely – for Binge Eating, Emotional Eating and Bulimia. If you are interested in learning more about this specific area of my work, visit www.eating-freely.com.
CONTACT METHOD