Two years, two cities, five trials, six chapters of Bible. This was nearly a nine-season legal drama series called Togas, except it wasn’t. Instead it became the bits from Acts that Christians learn speed-reading with. But it’s not a race to see who is festus. If you slow down to really felix, you’ll really get agrippa the story’s fine details. Don’t worry, eventually you’ll get the appeal.

Oh where oh where can Apostle Paul be? The Lord took him away from me.

From the hotbed of Corinth’s vice dens to the underground witch scene of Ephesus, Paul says hold my mint coffee as he strides from one cold brew to another. Holy Spirit pour over culminates with spells being cast into flames, and they can smell that Artemis foul from miles away.

We’re in the thick of Macedonia, where it’s hard not to let the mess adorn ya. Touchy hooligans, nerdy yahoos and riot groupies send Paul on a marathon to Athens, where he gives all the philosophical lalangs a big fat Greek weeding.

Paul and Silas are prisoners, prisoners. They’re locked up but can’t get God off their mind, off their mind. So they sing in their cell — which many of you do too, but it’s just not the same — and surprise-surprise, the jailhouse rocks. The jailer superfreaks and tries to kill himself but ends up getting a draw blank redemption, where they go on to make friends with more-than-freeman.

Last week, the apostles swipe right on Asia and Bithynia and neither match. Then the man of their dreams shows up but he’s all Greek to them. They order petrol across border patrol and have dates with wealthy merchants, fortune mongers and brash magistrates. When they look up, they masuk lokap, and now they must trust that to tether makes them better and fetta.

Malaysia Day celebrations! End of Forty Days celebrations!  Worship for one-hour celebrations! Did we tell you it’s gonna be a celebration?

Fission over mission! They flip over a trip! Someone’s anti-mark in Antioch! Break down in Greek town!

Must you go on the knife for eternal life? Get cut off to meet the cut off? Who do you follow when Jewish zealots go “I scream potong”? When legalistic parties try to sue nuts, it goes to the Supreme Court where Justices James and Peter rule that forcing Gentiles into Hot Bird is unconstitutional. Something like that anyway.

Check out the A-List in Lystra! Paul and Barnabas are mistaken for Zeus and Hermes! Hold my Birkin. Paul has some patina to scrape off. The betrayed sasaeng turn on the apostles and start start throwing mud. They throw rocks too. And just like that, our celebrity apostles get stoned.