I've watched a lot of submarine movies. And I love how the sonar is pinging constantly, searching for potential threat. When a blip appears on the screen, the crew goes on high alert. 

It might be a whale, or a school of fish. But it might also be an enemy vessel or a torpedo. So submariners take their blips very seriously, and assume danger until proven otherwise.

And when danger is perceived, the vessel has three options: freeze, flee, or fight.  

You are equipped with a similar apparatus. You don't go "ping" every 3 seconds, but your nervous system is constantly scanning your environment for signs of danger. 

And it never rests. You know this because you can sleep through all manner of familiar noise — creaking water pipe, honking car horn, snoring spouse — but your eyes pop awake instantly when you hear an unexpected footfall or turn of a door handle. 

And everyone around you, in your physical or virtual environment, is doing the same thing. 

Which means that you are a blip on their radar, and they're always assessing whether you are a threat or not. 

For Humans, Threats Can Be Psychological as Well as Physical

When you have to talk to someone about their performance, or their behavior, and your agenda includes an element of "I would like to you change how you're doing stuff," it's likely that you're going to signal to your conversation partner that you are a threat.

Basically, that's because the human mind, which evolved to assess actual lethal threat (ie things that could actually kill you, like fire, earthquake, wild beast, starvation, hypothermia, enemy, and so on), also reads its own unwanted emotions as life-threatening. If it thinks a conversation will lead to shame or guilt, for example, it turns on the stress response.

And like the submarine captain, it’ll choose to freeze, flee, or fight. 

None of which helps you or your agenda.

How to Signal Threat

There are two ways to let someone know they're in peril. One is to act like a threat. Look angry, yell, assume a fighting stance and posture. Narrow your eyes and stare at them like a shark regarding a school of minnows. 

That's obvious, right?

What's less obvious is that there's another way to let someone know they're unsafe. And that's to act unsafe yourself. 

That's because humans are extremely social animals, and we pick up on each other's moods and perceptions. 

If I feel scared in your presence, you'll pick up on that fear and your own stress response will kick in. If you think I'm scared because of you, you may be triggered into an aggressive stance. 

If you think I'm scared because of something else in my environment other than you, you may be triggered into an avoidant stance.

How to Signal Safety

You can see how important it is to signal to your conversation partner that there is no threat involved in the conversation you'd like to have with them. 

So how do you signal safety?

First, by dealing with your own physiology, which means dealing with your own psychology.

You must approach them with the energy and behavior of an ally rather than a critic.

If you're upset with them, don't approach — yet. First do the work of translating your anger or criticism into your desired positive outcome. 

Next, play an imagination game where you look for positive motives and intentions behind any behavior of your conversation partner that's upsetting you. How might their actions make perfect sense to them, based on their needs and goals?

Once you've completed these two processes, check yourself — are you able to approach your partner with calm, steady, and friendly energy?

If so, you're ready to approach and initiate the conversation.

Next time, we'll look at how to orient the conversation toward a positive future. 

Your Turn

Think about an upcoming conversation that you’re dreading. Imagine yourself approaching with your current thinking and energy, and notice how your partner responds. Now go through the two steps — articulating your positive needs and assuming positive intent in your partner — and visualize your approach again. Do you see and feel the difference?

If you'd like to become a conversational grandmaster who looks forward to every interaction — even the challenging ones — you can start with my (and Peter Bregman's) book, You Can Change Other People. (Great book, embarrassing title.) If you'd like to accelerate your progress toward becoming a truly "Trigger-Free Leader," let's talk. Click here to schedule a discovery call.