I'm hooked on Costello, the virologist critical of the UK government response. My younger brother Phil gives his thoughts on lockdown. I wonder who will win the Noble Prize for Medicine - will it be Sarah Gilbert, the Oxford based virologist who is 80% certain of a vaccine by September. *Contains swearing*

I tell you about my super power of recognising people called Mark via a supernatural energy that cuts through the hubbub and tells me directly that they are a Mark. I'm now developing a unified theory of Toms. I also talk about the Sunday Times article laying out the many failures of the UK government in response to COVID-19. *Contains swearing*

Noel in New York sends his third journal reading. It is poetic and profound; New York continues to be the epicenter of the global COVID-19 outbreak and Noel quotes very worrying statistics. Have a safe weekend.

The UK is behind on testing. The UK public give money to the NHS via a very old walking man. The Met Police show Londoners how to misbehave by staging a ridiculous PR stunt on a bridge, endangering hundreds of lives. Another day in a weird world.

Great news that the R (the number of people infected by a COVID-19 carrier) is now below 1, meaning if we stay like this the virus will not spread. Also Sadiq Khan is lobbying for masks to be worn. And we clapped for the key workers tonight!

The world tips into Armando Ianniucci's head. Matty Hancock responds to the millions working in care homes asking for a living wage, tests and PPE by launching a badge! Boris the sitcom is scrapped after the pilot episode. My friend Joanna sends her thoughts from bonnie Scotland. And Billy Connolly, the King of All Scots, slags off Bojo Bonson Johnson.

Every time Rishi says "brilliant" an angel dies! Care homes hit the headlines and I continue to see the joy in every moment.

More tales from Erinslake as Phin the Scarhealer and Zoppo the Fluke journey into the Wise Woods...er, sorry, no - just the usual death statistics and anti-government rants on your favourite COVID-19 knockabout comedy podcast.

I mark a sad day as the number of deaths in hospitals from COVID-19 reaches 10,000+, and the number is being suppressed. Matt Hancock is still a terrible liar. I want a journalist to ask this question to the government: if the NHS has capacity, why are people dying at home?

I talk about the Queen harbouring her son, Prince Andrew the paedophile. I trace an odd feeling I've had all day to the future car crash of Boris Johnson and his band of incompetent fuckwits messing up the distribution of a vaccine. A cheery Passover and Easter to you all!