I'm in the middle of watching a video it's an interview of dr. David Luca and Katie motrin on Katie motrins emerging proud blog website that she's doing and listen to 20 minutes and he's sharing his story about his spiritual awakening basically that could have been interpreted as pathology as psychosis as schizophrenia and is really interesting because he talks about how he dropped everything to sort of travel around North America hitchhiking in the 70s took LSD and then had sort of a spiritual awakening experience days later that went on for two months and he talked about how during the two months he just sort of crashed with friends and and nobody pathologized him you didn't end up in the psych ward and after the two months he went to live in a cabin that his parents had that was just a summer cabin so nobody was around and they let him live there they gave him permission to live there and he lived there for a while and then he seemed to have some some scary experiences but he was there by himself and he got through it and again he was never pathologized and that just makes me think of how after my two month experience I was seeing my parents take me somewhere quiet I need to go somewhere quiet so I knew that I needed that same thing but there was no required for me to go except for the panic room in the psych ward and and so he was able to heal there and then he said he heard a voice that said be a healer and so he didn't really know what that meant so he went to go live with his parents in his late 20s and and they paid for him to take things like yoga different psychology things and just a bunch of different classes like that because he was exploring being healer again they never pathologize him they never said he dropped out of Harvard they never said why don't you go get a job they let him explore and then after about six months of all that he realized he wanted to become psychologist so we did go back to school so was a long way around to go back to school but he ended up finding what it was he was passionate about and going back to school with that and to me it's exactly what needs to happen for people and I've even told this to some family groups that I've shared with when a person's going through a crisis it's even more important to just be unconditionally loving and let that person explore what they need to explore because as Sean Blackwell said bipolar disorder can also be called I can't be me disorder so it's really important for a person to feel like they can start to explore and rediscover who they are and what they really wanted to do and what they're all about and so he luckily had parents with the means to do that and the understanding because some parents with the means wouldn't necessarily understand and so he fully got through everything without ever being pathologized and I think that's more of a miracle then how it usually is for people usually people somebody pathologize as them and leads them into the psych ward or something like that and that's what happened to me I'm it's interesting because today I'm supposed to be working but I I can't really focus on work and yesterday I made some videos in the morning then I went bowling then I came back home and I'm like okay I'm going to get some work done because I there was a few things I needed to do and I opened up the document on my computer and nothing scary but Allison I had a pretty bad amount of so-called anxiety and so I tried to work on it for a little bit and I closed it I'm like wow this is brutal and so I just started editing my videos and within a little while that sensation went away and it didn't return so I'm thinking about this whole applied kinesiology thing and muscle testing you know I could say to myself oh should I continue with this job yes or no yes or no man push my arm which doesn't work for me anyways anymore because I could think of the job and it would make me weak if i push on my arm but it's strong like nothing makes my nervous system week so what I'm feeling like is that this map consciousness or this trans consciousness experience when it starts happening our whole body is responding in an applied kinesiology chol way meaning if I'm looking at the document that is along the path of what it is that I'm actually reacting to and recoiling from it's almost like the energy is no longer flowing so I'm looking at it the energy is no longer flowing it's starting to to bubble in my internal area and so that is the applied kinesiology not me thinking about the job and pushing my arm or doing this or whatever it's just I'm having an allergic reaction to it and aversion to it it's almost like the universe is saying go no further and it's really it's kind of strange and I don't really know if that's true but that's the main time that I've had anxiety is related to my my job and I don't know I think it's just time to quit while I'm ahead because I usually wait until i fall apart before I quit and I've already fallen apart three times and I'd rather not fall apart the fourth time so I took the week off and I feel bad because I feel like I want to be able to do that job but feels like the universe isn't letting me go any further and it might actually be time for me to focus on becoming a healer myself I remember looking at palm reading stuff years ago and if you have this sort of hash mark on your finger just below your ring finger on your right hand or your dominant hand maybe that means you're a healer it's the mark of the healer and I have that mark so I've always had this sense that i could become a healer and and perhaps a lot of this self dialogue is helping to heal myself and it's interesting because on the scale of consciousness the lower levels of consciousness our shame guilt and shame is when it shames the worst I think and so yesterday i was having sort of like guilty feelings and I really recognized it and I was like wow my consciousness is started going to that place I'm not getting I'm not getting taken over by it and then having one guilty thought after another after another but there was some guilty thoughts and that's usually when I'll have some thoughts and feelings in that way is when I'm in map consciousness or that altered state of consciousness and then today this morning it was very subtle but I had some shame thoughts and so that's arising in my consciousness as this shame and it was very subtle it wasn't anything major that's the type of thing that can spiral one shameful thought leads to another shameful thought leads to another and then all of a sudden I'm not just having a thought of shame but I'm in the state of shame and when I'm in the state of shame i could start i remember last time i was acting very distressed I was like threatening suicide so if I let that spiral I might all of a sudden feel suicidal because that's one of the things that would lead me to feel that way and so again I'm thinking oh my gosh like do I really want to risk my wellness on this I don't think it's worth it and dr. David Luke I've talked about how he wrote this religious book he was trying to create a religion that United east and west he felt like I was he was a reincarnation of buda and christ and and i was thinking about how oftentimes these experiences make us feel like we need to save the world it's an inner journey it's an inner hero's journey as Joseph Campbell said and then we feel like we need to save others too but really I was thinking about when he was talking about how he wanted to create a religion unless somebody experiences it for themselves then it's just belief so what I was thinking was how it's like a religious experience it's a spiritual transformation but it makes one a religious Center not a religion which is which is abstracting about the experience one had but to be religious just like I was talking about how we can be a Dream Center where we can be safe space we can be a religious Center without creating religion to believe in because then its of no value and he talked about how he's aware of his spiritual awakening and he's also aware that it probably would have been interpreted as schizophrenia or an episode of short-term psychosis or something like that so he has that dual awareness and I feel I have that awareness to I am aware that most people would have view me with a pathological lens but then there's people that would view it as something else and I view it as that something else from inside out an outside in and he talked about how his crisis felt like an existential crisis he felt like he was just being moved towards how he was programmed to be and not who he really was and I think that's such a huge part of it for so many of us and that's why I feel like it's a hyper meaning state it's starting to find meaning in other things which may be those are the meaningful things and the things that we thought were meaningful are not meaningful and that's why we sort of detach from them and we're actually moving towards what's meaningful and he also mentioned how he encountered a lot of different people on his journey and think about the people I'll encounter in the mental health system versus if I take a different journey and not that those people are bad it's just a pathological lens that they're taking I was thinking about ecp are and i called it neighborhood watch but it's also sort of neighborhood listen instead of neighborhood watch or maybe neighborhood witness to witness someone's process and I was thinking too about how with the ego death and the spiritual awakening we need a larger map because the ego compass keeps us in a certain area of the map and when that breaks down we now are going to be venturing into the outskirts of the map that we have not yet mapped which are the unknown and they can be a little bit scary and they might be difficult to process because they might mean different things than the the meaning that the ego would ascribe to those things and I feel like the meaning maker is something to do with the collective and seeing the social fabric because it's the ego that divides all of that up I'm wondering if this context i'm creating with myself is making my nervous system strong because lower energy words and ideas and thoughts make our nervous system weak they weaken us so by creating this context and using language that I choose it's going to make my nervous system stronger and I hope other people might do the same for themselves and I was thinking about dr. David Hawkins scale of consciousness and how below 200 is the level of force and makes us go weak and above 200 is the level of power or integrity and makes us go strong and I was thinking about it could be that for me working in the mental health system the system makes me kind of angry so it's making me weak it's making me operate in a level of consciousness that is below the line of power and so I would feel sort of angry and that would make me go weak and so it's not actually making my nervous system strong and maybe part of it is that if our nervous system gets weekend our body now has to make the biomolecules to make up for that loss in energy so the nervous system has the energy channeling through it makes us go weak now we have to make up biomolecules in order to hold us up in order to it takes up our nutrition to make up for that loss of nervous energy and I think too it also secretes cortisol which artificially makes us stronger to hold ourselves up a bit more so the stress is actually part of the tension that we have in our muscles to hold ourselves up because our nerves aren't fully energized and I think that makes a lot of sense actually and that could be related to how these lower States weaken us and waste our energy and it could be partly how as a person is going lower and lower on the levels of consciousness when one is completing the entire map spectrum it uses a lot of one's nutrients and strength to get through that and actually I'm thinking too that that could be one of the ways that gravity feels heavier is that our body so weak from wasting all the nutrients from being so weak from being in those lower levels of consciousness and I'm thinking of myself to so many people say who are for example homeless they start to adopt that posture of crouching on the side of the street it could be partly because they're in that space of shame and they can barely stand up under the pressure of gravity I would think that a lot of people who are homeless are in the state of shame and it's very difficult to to overcome the force of gravity and that could be related to how I wrote down yesterday that there's the force of gravity and the field of consciousness because i was thinking gravity is a field it's the field of gravity then i was thinking while consciousness is a field too so the field of consciousness must interact with the field of gravity somehow and i think that's how it's related in a way is related in terms of dr. David Hawkins spectrum and scale of consciousness so a person in the shame consciousness it's when the lowest levels of consciousness art is affected way more by gravity and then there in that posture and so it's related to each other and then a person above 200 would be in a different posture and able to withstand the force of gravity and if a person sat in a shameful posture long enough they would probably feel shameful so it's not like I would go in that posture and you immediately feel shameful but I think that's one of the ways that gravity almost forces us into that place I think there is a there's a relationship between that because how one is holding themselves in the field of gravity affects one state of consciousness and we don't generally sense this there could be some variables about how we sense this so a person could actually be in this data shame and crouching down and that is gravity position and gravity and gesture of the body the overall posture of the body being congruent with the consciousness whereas somebody can be in a state of shame yet managed to be sort of in this proud posture so the postures not congruent with how one feels inside but they're managing somehow and then there could be a person who I feel like sometimes with map consciousness when I'm in that fluid state if I crouch down all of a sudden I feel ashamed so it's correlated to that whereas I'm not necessarily and then I stand up and I don't feel that anymore or I crouch down and I feel like a homeless person crouching down but I'm just me but it's this whole interplay between gravity and consciousness so there's something about gravity consciousness light and sound it's all this movement and so we can affect ourselves with our sound with our how we hold our body in space I feel it's related to how our body is actually an instrument our voice it vibrates or a whole body it's not just about our lips or voice box it's about the whole shape of our body that creates our voice and we could be given the greatest speech ever but if we're crouched over it's not going to have the same effect as if we're upright so how we hold ourselves is actually really important and recently I've been purposely not being mindful of my posture when I'm sitting on the couch or something I'm just kind of like or whatever and part of why I was not being mindful was because I realized I was sort of in a state where I was doing really well so I didn't want to get into a place where I was flying too high so I was sort of adjusting myself but now that I'm starting to get it into those states or these have a few thoughts come up that is trying to get me into that state of shame or guilt I have to be very conscious and cautious of my posture because I remember sharing that one time I was in the hospital and I felt I was crouching and I felt worse and i was on a medication i didn't want to be on so i purposely had more pronounced posture to block gravity being congruent with my state of consciousness so it doesn't mean it made all the shame and things go away but at least gravity wasn't being congruent I think that's part of what amplifies that is if we if we are congruent with that and I talked I think about what power poses before I watched a TED talk on that and to me that's just making up for how we normally are in ego consciousness where we have this voice in our head talking about judgement talking about anger talking about jealousy talking about all those things and those are actually below the level of 200 which weaken our nervous system and then we have to make these molecules and biochemicals to sort of strengthen us and hold us up which probably creates like internal scar tissue and things and and warps the mile fashion then we need something like roll thing to fix that but the power poses is just changing one posture changing how the body is held by gravity changing the gesture so they talk about putting your feet up on a desk in one like this and do that for five minutes then you'll feel so much better well crouch down like a homeless person and you'll feel worse it's the same thing and so sometimes when I'm in that state of map consciousness of trans consciousness when I crouch down my body seems to make bodily associations and extrapolations not just may be shameful thoughts because I'm in a shameful posture but I feel like an actual homeless person it's extrapolating to the people who take those postures and and what they might feel like and how awful it is and how painful and I also wrote down how this reflex of psychosis I talked about the reflex of shaking one's hand when when burns ones hand and how not only does it sort of dissipate the energy the pain heat it also signals to other people that we just hurt ourselves and so they'll come and run to us and so I feel like actually that the supposed symptoms of psychosis or mental illness of say hearing voices or wandering down the street or or crossing the street and not looking both ways or dangerous behaviors or odd behaviors are just the equivalent of ouch I'm in pain I need somebody to help me and and I think that that mechanism is an actual sign not of personal illness but look how many people that's happening to look how many people are burning inside and in so much pain that they just start acting in ways that might end their life and then we take it seriously because it's so dangerous but what it really calls for is love patience understanding time listening it's I think also mechanism not just for the person that's in the pain but also people will come say 10 people are needed to get this person back into some kind of ability to be able to function or cope again and so in a way that one person helps men social fabric because otherwise we would just turn away and there would be no connection there would be no empathy there would be no care but I still feel like just creating personal medical problem and giving chemical band-aids is not the answer it calls for so much more love just like children being born on the autism spectrum call for so much more love they need love they need understanding they need patience all these things that a person going through a supposed mental health crisis need and so because people are behaving in strange ways that is a symptom of something deeper of disconnection of lack of love and so a person needs connection and love not just being connected to chemicals and if we break our physical structure their surgery to put us back together but when our ego breaks we try to put it back together with chemical band-aids when what really mens the internal realm the psyche is love and understanding this chemical Eagle band-aid is like trying to put a bandaid on our shadow trying to give surgery to our shadow it's not really going to do anything it might make us forget we have a shadow that's like if somebody breaks their arms in their legs just giving them a pill for the pain but not actually repairing the damage and the damage it can only be repaired by love and relationship and social connection a lot has been done in the world to help create it to be more accessible for people with disabilities in physical movement for example or developmental disabilities in terms of however that works when somebody's born that way and it seems like there's another class coming in of this kind of consideration needing to be taken for people which is a different ability in consciousness and this is sort of related to people that go through the transformation after having an ego structure formed through map consciousness and trans consciousness as so called mental illness or mental health crisis and then the children that are being born with different with a different lens of consciousness with a different spectrum of what they make salient and so I think it's designed so much for one type of human being to succeed to supposedly succeed and the rest are suppressed and so not only is their developmental disabilities which is probably a different kind of intelligence will never understand and actually think they're kind of like the frequency holders and and physical disability either congenital or acquired in life and it's the same with this difference in consciousness has to be understood and the world needs to be created in a different way that allows for people with different consciousness as different ways of perception to flourish not just survive but but flourish and so that would be including them in part of the redesign and I'm thinking that our ego lens perception allows us to make salient a certain amount of information and these children are being born with a different lens they make different information salient different information is more prevalent for them and it impresses upon them differently than us and so there are going to be unfolding differently and creating a different world with their perceptual needs and I think we have to go beyond just what they need to experiment with what they might need that we don't even know they need and they don't know they need either just like years ago people with serious mental illness diagnosis or thought they needed to be caged up and then now people are allowed to be in the community but on meds and with different other resources and maybe one day people won't be on meds will be allowed to transform and take a different role and function as a different intelligence in society because that is being squashed because it's not understood because people behave differently because they're going through this transformation and they're not allowed to transform there's few very few people that managed to transform without being pathologized and I don't think it's like a transformation then it stops it could be but and in the same way these young children will be transforming and they transform early oftentimes they're on a supposed normal regular trajectory of development and then they hit two years old or something and all of a sudden they start to appear to lose connection and go south and I think part of it is that that's when this language learning gets revved up and turned on and it fails to start for possible reasons I talked about before and it's interesting they don't acquire our language very easily but they start to speak a different language or experience a different language or they are a different language they have different gestures they do different things they play in a different way than children that develop with words so they're registering reality just by virtue of being alive I think this delay of language is trying to give this other consciousness with this other element this other aspect of consciousness chance to take hold which could be sort of the background in which the words arise and the background is more important than the words and I was thinking about how in fight-or-flight we have access to more bits of information we also have access to more bits in manic consciousness so if I have access to say 21 bits as opposed to 4 i'm going to be able to see which out of the 21 is more salient and go that way in a way i can see everything that same time holistically and then i move based on that holistic perception which is kind of like collapsing the wave functions i'm wondering if they're sort of like 16 bits because that has something to do with the quantum computation and so there's more degrees of freedom and it feels like a rich experience

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