My first heartbreak wasn’t a secret to anyone because it was quite eventful — sometimes I found myself blabbing about it. Drunk weekend nights ended in letting half the bar know what had happened in my life.

I felt I broke my own heart by ruining us and I couldn’t talk about it. I couldn’t misplace the hurt and be angry at him. I felt the void and it hurt too much. I would get upset if people brought him up. It bothered me to hear anything that had to do with him or about him because I felt the sting as if it was a fresh wound.

I didn’t make sense of it until it we were over. Wondering at times what was I thinking? – Too many games… I couldn’t even keep track of them. I was hot and cold. I would say one thing but mean another.

Back then I was hoping I could act that insane and do everything to push him away and he somehow could look past it and make it work. I was hoping he could see through it all and know that I was just scared. But instead he wished me the best. So many conversations of the same thing – he was trying to let me know where his head and heart were at and how he wanted it to workout but all the things I was doing… he didn’t say it, but I knew.. who would put up with it? I’ll never forget the look he gave me when I disappointed him. It was this softness mixed with hurt but understanding all at the same time.  He had lived this already but wild nights out with friends weren’t him so much anymore.

This episode is also available as a blog post: http://bossbabeliving.home.blog/2020/12/24/somethings-you-just-cant-speak-about/