Soul Bruises

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Shunning can feel like a death without a funeral, especially when the people you called family decide you are suddenly invisible. I name how churches and high control religions weaponize belonging, why exclusion cuts so deep, and what it looks like to move toward people the way Jesus did.

• a real-world picture of shunning through Fred’s story of questioning, withdrawal, and rejection 
• a clear definition of shunning in religious communities and why it becomes spiritual abuse 
• the three forms I focus on: intentional shunning, informal social shunning, and self-shunning 
• why exclusion can register like physical pain, drawing on research and trauma language survivors use 
• how formal policies in groups like Scientology, Jehovah’s Witnesses, and Amish communities intensify fear and control 
• the mental health fallout: grief, shame, anxiety, PTSD-like symptoms, identity loss, and spiritual betrayal 
• the theological trap of treating church departure as leaving God, plus dechurching data that challenges it 
• the link between shunning and spiritual elitism, especially “one true remnant” thinking 
• a direct challenge to choose proximity over purity and refuse to shun another person 

If you know someone who might need to hear this conversation, feel free to share it with someone else.

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12 Tactics and Behaviors Used By Spiritual Abusers

1. Deception & Lies
2. Power 
3. Control 
4. Authority, Spiritual Authority & Distorted Loyalty
5. Indoctrination, Thought Suppression, Bounded Choice & Mind Control 
6. Twisting The  Scriptures
7. Spiritual Elitism & Spiritual Narcissism
8. Blame & Shame
9. Culture of Fear & Bullying
10.  Exploitation, Humiliation & Dehumanization
11. Manipulation, Coercion, Spiritual Gaslighting & Bypassing
12.  Silence, Secrecy & Isolation

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A single Bible verse can feel like comfort in one moment and coercion in the next. I sit with that tension and talk honestly about how scripture gets weaponized in spiritually abusive churches, high control religion, and faith systems that protect power at the expense of people. If you’ve ever been told that questioning is rebellion or that leaving a harmful community means leaving God, you’re not imagining the pressure. I name it, slow it down, and give you language for what happened.

I start with a crucial distinction: scripture itself is not inherently abusive, but interpretations can be. From circular reasoning that treats one person’s reading as absolute truth, to proof texting that rips a verse from its context, the result is often the same: shame, silence, and dependence. I look at the Bereans as a healthier model of faith, one that welcomes careful study, community testing, and humility rather than blind loyalty.

Then I lay out a practical framework built around five concepts that show up again and again in church abuse: authority, interpretation, discernment, suffering, and fear. I unpack exegesis versus eisegesis, how charisma and biblical certainty can function like control, and how spiritual gaslighting can make you doubt your own reality. I also talk about suffering being spiritualized, why lament matters for healing, and how fear-based leadership keeps people trapped.

If this resonates, listen, share it with someone who needs words for their experience.

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Video of Pastor Don Williams exchange with law enforcement: https://www.youtube.com/shorts/P7J5N05Wu7s

Video of Pastor Don Williams speaking to his congregation:
WARNING (Heavy Emotion/Could be triggering)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ILfKIGLBAL4&list=PPSV
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j9uNPjeTv6Y

Video of Assoc. Pastor's Response:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nnhh78sWa9o

Video of Teacher's Response:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zUoiSmfnopE

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A religion can look peaceful from the outside while quietly training you to disappear on the inside. My friend Darlene Hegyi joins me to tell the story of growing up in the Two by Two church, a secretive high control religion where meetings happen in homes, rules are enforced through shame, and “faith” can become indistinguishable from loyalty to the system.

We talk about what spiritual abuse does to identity and the nervous system: kids conditioned to sit silent, emotions treated as disobedience, and a constant fear of being seen as “off” or “confused.” 

Darlene describes the pressure to perform, the way enmeshment pulls extended family and church leadership into personal decisions, and the moment a simple question exposed a painful truth: she could describe how the church works, but not what she actually believed.

COVID became an unexpected opening for deconstruction and clarity, but it also revealed how quickly gossip and social punishment can push someone out. 

Darlene also speaks candidly about the church’s expectations for women to be quiet, submissive, and muted in voice, gifts, and ambition, and what it takes to reclaim agency through therapy & boundaries, and learning to trust your own inner voice again. 

If you’re navigating religious trauma, leaving a controlling church, or rebuilding after spiritual manipulation, her story offers language, validation, and hard fought for hope.

If this conversation helps you, share it with someone who needs it!

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The Two Books mentioned in the interview:

"Preserving the Truth: The Church without a Name and Its Founder, William Irvine"  by Cherie Kropp-Ehrig 

"The Truth About The Truth" by Mary Ann Schoeff

**********************************************************************************

A church that refuses a name can still demand your whole identity. 

Steve Hegyi joins me to describe what it’s like to grow up inside the Two by Two religion (also known as the 2x2s, the Truth, or the Way) and slowly realize that what you were taught was “faithfulness” often functions as spiritual abuse, coercive control, and enforced silence.

We walk through the practical mechanics that keep the system running: private home meetings, traveling “workers” who hold spiritual authority, overseers who steer decisions, and a culture with no formal creed and little written accountability. 

Steve explains how secrecy works socially and spiritually, why questions are treated as danger, and how gossip can become a quiet form of discipline. He also shares the pressure families feel to perform perfection, especially when workers stay in their home, and how that performance shapes kids, friendships, and emotional development.

Then we get honest about the deeper costs, especially for men formed by patriarchy. Steve describes expectations around leadership, control, and emotional suppression, including how anger can be normalized while vulnerability is shamed. We also name red flags like lack of transparency, cover up culture, and harmful responses to abuse, and we talk about what healing looks like after leaving: learning grace instead of earning, rebuilding relationships, practicing accountability, and finding a faith that’s allowed to be curious.

If you’re navigating religious trauma, faith deconstruction, or recovery from a high control church, I think Steve’s clarity will help you feel less alone.

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FYI: THIS EPISODE CONTAINS A SMALL SECTION OF EXPLICIT CONTENT IN REGARDS TO SEXUAL ABUSE.

*FOR VIEWING PODCAST - YOUTUBE VIDEO LINK
(Advantages: Artwork is shown when it is being described)
https://youtu.be/Etc_Gxr-6IQ

DAVID'S WEBSITES
www.nakedpastor.com
His main site where you can find his cartoons and his blog

www.thelastingsupper.com
His online community 

DAVID'S BOOKS
Adult books: Questions are the Answer, The Liberation of Sophia, Til Doubt Do Us Part, Money is Spiritual, The Art of Coming Out, The Lasting Supper - Letters for Deconstruction, Without a Vision My People Prosper

Children's book: The Rainbow Sheep

Cartoon books: Flip It Like This & Naked Pastor 101

DAVID'S SOCIAL MEDIA
Look for "Naked Pastor" on Instagram

DESCRIPTION OF PODCAST
A single frame can say what a thousand sermons won’t. That’s the power David “Naked Pastor” Hayward brings to the table as we explore spiritual abuse, religious trauma, and the radical courage it takes to tell the truth with humor and heart. David shares how a decades‑long journey from pulpit to pen sharpened his eye for systems that control, how cartoons validate the wounded at a glance, and why critiques of the church are not betrayal but care for the community it could be.

We trace the invisible contours of harm—sermons turned into weapons, authority used to silence, group pressure passed off as discipleship—and talk about the moment survivors realize their “soul bruises” are real. David walks us through the images that resonated worldwide: Sophia’s scarred spirit, Jesus erasing the lines we draw, and the gut-punch panel where leaders say, “It’s not that we don’t believe you. It’s that we don’t care.” Humor becomes a scalpel, not a sledgehammer, opening space for reflection without letting power off the hook. He also pulls back the curtain on his process, from sensitivity checks with diverse friends to the ongoing work of unlearning bias.

We dig into why systems drift toward dehumanization, how denial and silence protect brands over bodies, and what it takes to rebuild a life after leaving a toxic church. David’s answer is both practical and hopeful: cultivate spiritual independence while choosing interdependence, seek communities that honor dignity without control, and keep curiosity alive. He founded The Lasting Supper as a safe, diverse space for people rethinking faith to be fully seen without a new gatekeeper. If you’ve wondered whether you’re allowed to name what happened, or you’re searching for belonging without surrendering your agency, this conversation meets you where you are.

If the episode speaks to you, share it with someone who needs language for their pain, subscribe for more soul-honest conversations, and leave a review so others can find the show. Your voice helps build healthier, more compassionate communities.

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SHOW NOTES:

Evil Influencer: The Jodi Hildebrandt Story Trailer:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eMjsVQIepZw

Dark Truth Behind Netflix’s ‘Evil Influencer: The Jodi Hildebrandt Story
Law & Crime Network
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BPipALF5glc

Was Ruby Franke Brainwashed? - Jodi Hildebrandt's Tactics Dissected
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BvvgHlPZFrM

Some stories shock because they’re new; this one shocks because it feels familiar. We dig into how a therapist wrapped control in spiritual language, turned doubt into “distortion,” and built a closed system where obedience looked like healing and disagreement looked like moral failure. Using the Jodi Hildebrandt documentary as a case study, we trace the slow creep from guidance to coercion and outline the subtle tells—language shifts, isolation, and financial pressure—that signal spiritual abuse long before the headlines.

We walk through the backstory of Connexions, the promise of moral clarity, and the way binaries like truth versus distortion hollow out a person’s inner compass. You’ll hear how clients were nudged to distrust their own signals, cut off outside support, and accept “loving correction” as proof the process worked. Along the way, we connect these patterns to tactics common in high-control religious spaces: information control, shunning, and leader-centric authority dressed up as care. The goal isn’t to sensationalize; it’s to name the playbook so you can recognize it early—whether it shows up in therapy, church, parenting advice, or coaching.

We also offer practical tools to test any authority: Who can ask questions here? What happens when someone disagrees? Are fees and expectations transparent? Does this space invite dialogue and referrals, or does it monopolize trust? Healthy authority connects rather than isolates, welcomes feedback, and never asks you to abandon yourself to belong. If your body says something is off, that signal matters. Your worth isn’t measured by compliance, and choosing truth over loyalty is not a failure—it’s healing. Listen, reflect, and share this conversation with someone who needs language for what they’ve felt but couldn’t name.

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FREEZE
YouTube Video of Bobi Gephart confronting Pastor John Lowe II  (13:39) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p4Sh2-Peefo

FIGHT
YouTube Video of "Remembering Jennifer Lyell" (5:37)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z7ekxdMchxA

FLIGHT
Who are the 2 x 2's?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=83DZdzxpR84 (Short Version - 1:58)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1o_vTxBShFA (Long Version - 16:10)

FAWN
Mars Hill Pastor Mark Driscoll
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RQopCn4MFwM (10:52)
The Rise & Fall of Mars Hill Podcast (Episode 1)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Cou36nSmJY

"When Religion Hurts You" Dr. Laura Anderson
What is Religious Trauma?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EjdBoBOhXvA (short clip)

4 Trauma Responses (Dr. Alex Howard)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cVQDRrs-a8A (6:28)

*************************************************************************************************This episode of Soul Bruises explains how fight, flight, freeze, and fawn show up in faith spaces and why they are survival, not sin. We share real stories, practical regulation tools, and a path from shame to curiosity so survivors can rebuild safety, voice, and trust.

• defining spiritual abuse and the autonomic nervous system
• clear explanations of fight, flight, freeze and fawn
• how churches mislabel trauma responses as moral failings
• scenarios that map all four responses in a church conflict
• whistleblowing, delayed disclosure and high control groups
• tend and befriend versus fawning and why it matters
• practical regulation skills and boundary setting
• moving from survival to healing with supportive community
• recommended reading: When Religion Hurts You by Dr Laura Anderson

You can reach me at [email protected] or send me a message on Instagram at SoulBruises2023

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In this podcast episode with our guest, Pastor & scholar Kayleigh Clark we  explore how collective trauma reshapes churches, why language and listening matter, how sometimes the first step of finding healing a church is about asking the right questions, and how new shepherds can gather what harm scattered. She shares a path from lament to restoration with trauma-informed ministry, empathetic witness, and patient trust-building. Additional topics, references, website & terms mentioned below.

• Defining collective trauma and loss of communality
• The body of Christ keeps the score as a diagnostic lens
• COVID’s disruption, decision fatigue, and grief in congregations
• Betrayal trauma and why defenses form around leaders
• Jeremiah 23, negligent shepherds, and God’s new shepherds
• Using careful, descriptive language before hard labels
• Pastors’ secondary traumatic stress and pastoral self-care
• After-pastors, church splits, and rebuilding safety
• Theology that heals vs theologies that harm and shame
• Shifting diagnosis from behaviors to “what happened to us”
• Revitalization & Reformation.... with Restoration as a third path to consider
• Lament, middle-space testimonies, and empathetic witnessing
• Reading scriptures through the eyes of the sufferer
• Practical methods to restore trust and communality

YOUTUBE EPISODE LINK: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rREm75DGcgk

Check out Restor(y) resources at restorycenter.com
Restor(y) is a nonprofit founded by Pastor Kayleigh Clark whose mission is to accompany churches through healing, restoration, and wholeness 

Link to article of "New Shepherds For A Hurting Church
https://www.restorycenter.com/blog/new-shepherds-for-a-hurting-church

A Theological Framework for Religious Trauma (Short Video)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fSIpj-NhhnA 

Kayleigh's Blog on Restor(y)
https://www.restorycenter.com/blog

Jeremiah 23  NIV
https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/search=Jeremiah%2023&version=NIV 
TERMS

Secondary Trauma  https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Secondary_trauma  

DARVO is an acronym that describes a common pattern of behavior used by individuals—often abusers or manipulators—when they are confronted about their harmful actions. It stands for: D – Deny, A – Attack, RVO – Reverse Victim and Offender

Soul Bruises Episode on DARVO
https://www.buzzsprout.com/2240617/episodes/16013641 

Collective trauma happens when a whole community or group of people goes through something deeply painful or disruptive—like abuse, conflict, disaster, or loss—and it impacts not just individuals, but the relationships, trust, and identity of the entire group.

Betrayal trauma refers to the psychological harm that occurs when someone experiences a profound violation of trust or safety by a person or system they depend on for protection, care, or support.

Communality refers to the quality or state of sharing things in common — a sense of belonging, mutual responsibility, and connection within a group or community 

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What happens when your spirituality becomes a battleground? When your voice, appearance, and very humanity are treated as problems to be fixed rather than gifts to be celebrated?

Pastor and Chaplain, Kristy Hodson takes us deep into her journey through high-control religion, revealing the subtle yet devastating ways spiritual abuse can damage our connection to both community and the divine. With remarkable honesty, she shares how attempting to create positive change from within left her "bitter, resentful, and tired" as she faced resistance for simply refusing to make herself smaller.

The conversation explores the unique challenges faced by women in patriarchal religious systems, where something as simple as correcting someone who addresses a room of pastors as "gentlemen" can lead to being labeled a "militant feminist." Kristy explains how the box of conformity becomes a cage, trapping both those who perpetrate spiritual abuse and those who experience it.

Most powerfully, Kristy offers a profound reframing of how we talk about spiritual abuse: "My spirituality was abused by what you did. My soul was harmed and damaged." This shift centers the impact rather than debating whether actions qualify as abuse, making space for true healing to begin.

For anyone who has felt their authentic spiritual self diminished by religious control, this episode offers both validation and hope. Kristy's journey toward healing includes learning to trust herself again, finding supportive community, and remembering who she was "before trauma gave me a detour." Her message resonates with unmistakable clarity: You are not alone, your voice matters, and true faith gives you a voice, not a muzzle.

Join us for this essential conversation about breaking free from spiritual control and rediscovering an authentic connection to faith that honors your whole being. Wherever you are on your spiritual journey, this episode invites you to remember that you belong and that your spirituality is worth defending.

"Be Human,  Be Kind,  Be Both."