I ask U

I read books. I read all kinds of books. When I stepped into the bookstore, I took a look at the book I randomly picked up. I browse some paragraphs. I just pick one sentence and think about it. I memorize the keywords.

Recently, it has been a period for me to complete these huge artworks. It is not about creating on and on, but sorting out the "why", "what’s-wrong“ and "how-to" in the artworks. That is, self-interpretation in the state called „after-screening“, or „post-creation". In other words, I display the origin of my sound, video, and text, I present the physical and mental struggles at that moment. And lastly, I show my thoughts of passing through these struggles.

Is it hard? "Difficult?“ This is just a basic English word for describing hard things.
Is it hard? I read the book and it said:

"Human thoughts are like ten thousand horses galloping, like thousands of naughty monkeys jumping around, and the process of writing down is like grabbing these naughty monkeys one by one and arranging them one by one on paper. Our thoughts or Ego, their thinking speed is faster than that of ㄘlights, and thoughts are the origin of all fear, anger, sadness, and disgust. In order to stop this main source of pain in our lives, the actions and processes of writing help to stop random thoughts, and then I read what I wrote. I examine the impact of these thoughts and meanings in our lives."

This passage is taken from master Yijing Li's book. This book accompanied me through the first week of my bald head. In fact, I was able to get by with my hair shaved. What I couldn’t get through is that without my hair, my deep fear emerged: „Sex & Gender„. 

Yep, I mention these words, again.

During that week, in the middle of the night, I always woke up because I couldn’t breathe. I did not know why? I only knew that I was panting. I adjusted my breath after reading the words of master Li, and then I got the rhythm of my life.

What rhythm? So weird. 
Heartbeat. 

That was the first time I walked, worked, ate, and lived along with the pulse of my body. I felt it beating, I followed every beat of my heart.

I got it through, I got through the look of me as if having „no gender“.
Without gender, am I still a human?
I seem impossible to have sex, can I still be a human?
I don't seem to have sexual interests, can I still be a human?

This is my deepest fear.

It's heavy. Don't think about it too hard.
Is it hard? I said to myself:
"If I am willing, to be honest with myself, I can meet the unknown self, move to a supreme level, and become the most comfortable partner to accompany me.“

This is the last After-Screening Discussion.
Just keep following „Me“.

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