Welcome to SPECTRE etc. This is the James Bond podcast where we discuss the ins and the outs of each film. In this episode, we return to the safety of EON films so the Broccoli Family can Roger us one Moore time as we Walk-ento “A View to a Kill”.

* The pre-titles sequence is pre-empted by a legal disclaimer that strangely fails to warn the viewer about the upcoming Beach Boys sound-a-like.

* Q and Bond discuss microchips as they try to avoid kicking a Floor-Droid. Moneypenny has disposed of Penelope Smallbone, and she is overjoyed to be invited to join the boys at the races. Tibbett (yes, MI6 has an equine expert) also attends.

* Tibbett suggests Bond head to France to learn more about Zorin - the owner of a winning horse - so Bond is off to the Eiffel Tower! There he meets an incredibly French investigator. May Day kills Frenchie, and forces Bond to steal a car from an even Frencher guy - sacre bleu!

* Bond and Tibbett head to Zorin’s chateau, disguised as a Lord and his manservant. They “pull a Kananga” in order to sneak around - discovering Zorin’s vials and microchips and henchmen. A couple of test tubes is all Bond needs to join the dots on Zorin’s horse-cheating.

* Bond makes a move on Mayday, and - presumably as an act of revenge - Mayday kills Tibbett. After a little horseplay, Zorin tries to drown 007, but a tired Bond is saved by his prehensile tongue.

* Zorin’s blimp arrives at San Francisco, with Bond mystifyingly close behind. James tries to buy some crabs, but ends up with just a steaming cup of exposition. After 007 sifts through this information, he decides to sneak up on Stacey in the shower.

* Bond uses an a-SALT rifle to save Stacey, before whisking her eggs. A quick trip to City Hall reveals Zorin’s genius does not extend to naming Operations. Nevertheless, Zorin is able to find enough rum to give Bond and Stacey a hot shaft.

* Bond and Stacey escape the flames, and are forced into a silly slapstick subplot involving San Francisco’s stupidest police. James hijacks one of Zorin’s trucks, allowing he and Stacey to sneak into the mine.

* Zorin goes a bit mental, killing most of his henchmen. Bond saves Stacey, and then works with May Day to prevent Zorin’s master plan from coming to fruition. Enraged, Zorin uses his getaway-blimp to sneak up on Stacey, but Bond is able to hang from a rope - just as the film’s credibility hangs by a thread.

* Bond ties the blimp to some bridge, before throwing a flaccid Zorin into the Bay. Dr. Monocle tries to detonate Bond, but James is able to kill the remaining bad guys with their own bomb.

* Bond receives the Order of Lenin but misses the ceremony. Once Roger realises that MI6 sent Q to see Bond shower, he throws in the towel.

Worst Impersonation Trophy:

Matt tries to give us a bit of Bowie, but ends up channeling the Flight of the Conchords instead.

And of course, keep checking back for a link to our petition to have “The Spy Who Loved Me” officially registered as the best film of Roger’s reign.

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Welcome to SPECTRE etc. This is the James Bond podcast where we discuss the ins and the outs of each film. In this episode, we risk the wrath of the Broccoli Mafia by straying from Eon Productions. Find out if Kevin McClory’s offer was one we should have refused in “Never Say Never Again”.

* The pre-titles and the titles are efficiently merged. Sean’s face fills the screen before his cinematically-shot training mission goes awry. resulting in an absolutely awful M sending 007 to detox. 

* The SPECTRE meeting shows they are no longer the Industry Leader. It seems their sole focus now is to repeatedly spell out the acronym - which seems to excite McClory far more than it should. SPECTRE sends #12 to assassinate Captain Jack in the most contrived way possible.

* In a clear cry for help, Bond fills his rehab suitcase with contraband. Once at detox, Bond undergoes more colonics than one would think necessary. Then he is attacked by a henchman who is also a Count. Luckily Bond is able to give the noble thug a piss of his mind.

* On Largo’s boat, the office doubles as a peep-show booth. He watches Domino dance for a bit, then zips up and heads out to give her a “Tears of Allah” pendant before threatening to slit her throat. Nice guy.

* Before heading to the Bahamas, Bond visits Q’s lab. Unfortunately he only finds Algie - some degenerate cockney who tries to live vicariously through 007 anecdotes. In the Bahamas, Bond is greeted by his new offsider: Mr. Bean.

* Bond and #12 go deep, and then head underwater. They swim with the sharks, but Bond is able to find safety in an unflattering pair of overalls. Luckily, when Bond’s hotel room explodes, he is still wearing protection.

* Bond chases Largo to France, where he meets up with the best Felix yet. Bond sneaks into a spa to assault The Sister of the Guy Who Did the Thing. Domino tells 007 that Largo will be at the casino that night, helping out some local orphan kids.

* At the casino, Bond is coerced into competing against Largo at his own game. Domination is annoying to watch, and looks awful to play. But it is a whole lot easier to watch than Bond telling Domino about her brother’s death during a ballroom dance.

* Bond jumps on his motorcycle and chases #12 around town. She eventually traps him, and becomes a plot device enabling Bond to use his pen gun. Thankfully, this contrivance allows Bond to kill her before he and Felix strip down to their underwear.

* Bond pops up on Largo’s boat a little early for their lunch date. Largo captures Bond, but lets his prisoner wander free on the boat. This lax approach has many negative consequences for Largo. He responds by locking Bond in a tower, and giving Domino a spit-bridge kiss before putting her on the auction block.

* Bond escapes, rescues Domino, and kills a horse. Back on the boat, M uses the intercom to sexily serenade Bond and Domino. Bond realises Domino’s pendant is a clue - so it is time to bust out the jetpacks! 

* A too-long gunfight scene leads to an underwater sequence in a saltwater drinking well. Before all that swimming killed Connery’s hairpiece, Domino (she is an agent now?) shows up to kill Largo. 

* While the epilogue usually shows the viewer that Bond is never completely safe, this time the final scene puts the viewer in danger. 

And of course, keep checking back for a link to our petition to have Kevin McClory locked in a room for an interrogation by Col!

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Welcome to SPECTRE etc. This is the James Bond podcast where we discuss the ins and the outs of each film. In this episode, Roger offers a history lesson on India’s colonial past! Enjoy our efforts to out-do Bond for schoolboy humour, and join our short stay on a sapphic island in “Octopussy”.

* A pre-titles sequence everyone enjoys sets us up for what we can only assume is the all-time high of Rita Coolidge’s career: yet another Bond ballad.

* Agent 009 learns that a clown costume is the worst possible outfit for a midnight chase through the jungle. Then, Bond gives New M a crash course in Faberge Eggs.

* Orlov defies the wishes of his frenemies and presses on with his plan to conquer Europe: send Kamal to a jewelry auction. Bond is meant to walk on eggshells but bids big; Kamal keeps his cool and shells out for the egg.

* In India, Bond heads straight for the casino to play his signature game… backgammon? Bond brings sexy back with a no-look roll, as he and Kamal eventually come face-to-face. This cheekiness is swiftly punished with a tuk-tuk chase - which includes a quick lesson on the cultural delights of the subcontinent.

* Bond visits Q’s makeshift lab for terrible one-liners and schoolboy nonsense. Bond’s date with Kamal’s girl leads to Magda showing Bond her octopussy, then taking a walk of shame right off the balcony - upon which Gobinda has his way with James.

* Bond’s imprisonment in Kamal’s castle leads to nice suits and fine dining. Refusing to put up with this outrageous treatment, James breaks out of his cell and catches a hint of exposition. 

* An unconvincing zombie impression gives James room to escape into the jungle. This is hard viewing even before the vine swing is ruined with Tarzan’s awful audio.

* Bond’s colleague Vijay is demoted to masseuse, while Octopussy’s ladies-only island outrages James. Bond heads for this island paradise, and Octopussy quickly wraps her tentacles around him. Kamal is angered by Bond’s nasty habit of surviving, so heads off to hire some henchmen at the cantina. Unlike Vijay, James is able to escape the circular saw yo-yo.

* Bond follows Octopussy and Kamal to Germany, where he learns that Orlov and Kamal are double-crossing Octopussy by switching precious jewels with an atomic payload. Bond kills a few henchmen before Orlov dumps exposition all over him. Bond’s knowledge of the full plan leads to driving a car on the train tracks, and then spending time on, in, and under a train. SPECTRE Etc has plenty of questions about these scenes, but Col has all the answers! 

* James jumps from the train and once more flees through a jungle. Bond arrives at the circus and spends a good half hour putting on clown makeup. It turns out that Col is also our go-to man for questions about painting one’s own head.

* Bond infiltrates the circus but no one takes the clown seriously. Octopussy steals a policeman’s gun to shoot at the bomb; then James defuses it the old-fashioned way.

* Everyone zooms back to India for a circus-style sneak attack, before Bond’s horse catches up to Kamal’s plane. Bond brings down the plane, then lets Octopussy nurse him back to health. 

Official SPECTRE etc Theory (OffSeT) #13: Admiral Hargreaves was promoted to M. Unlike the role of James Bond - where it has been pretty clearly established that a new actor is not a new James - it is clear that M’s replacement in this film is indeed a new M. With M’s passing, the Admiral we met in “The Spy Who Loved Me” has been promoted.

Worst Impersonation Trophy: 

Col...  Orlov = Quarrel? ...this episode’s WIT.

And of course, keep checking back for a link to our petition to have Gobinda officially renamed The Turbanator!

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Welcome to SPECTRE etc. This is the James Bond podcast where we discuss the ins and the outs of each film. In this episode, we catch MacGuffin Mania to get back our ATAC! Join us for this Winter Games extravaganza, as we watch James Bond do stunts that are clearly beyond Roger Moore in “For Your Eyes Only”.

* We open with Please-Don’t-Call-Me-Blofeld hijacking a helicopter carrying Bond! This bald villain offers a brand new delicatessen, but Bond is looking forward to a SPECTRE-free future.

* Bond takes the morning train into Sheena Easton’s sleepy song, before being briefed on this film’s macguffin - the ATAC. Meanwhile, Melina's parents are immediately slaughtered right in front of her. 

* A quintessential 1980s pool party brings Bond to Spain. He is captured, but Melina gatecrashes the party with her crossbow.

* An explosive anti-theft device forces Bond and Melina into the Definitely-A-Bond-Car Citroen. Once Bond has criticised her driving, they escape. Bond hypocritically warns Melina against seeking revenge.

* Bond and Q use the Identigraph to lock sights on Locke. This information sends Bond to Italy. Kristatos tells Bond not to trust Columbo - but because Kristatos thinks Bond should chaperone Bibi, we know not to trust Kristatos.

* Bond gets a taste of the other side of sexual harassment when Bibi tries to seduce him. Thankfully for all, Uncle James offers to buy her an ice-cream instead.

* Biathletic Eric gives Bibi the stinkeye before a ski chase through a chalet and down a bobsled track. Then, an unnecessary scene at the ice hockey rink completes the Winter Games tour.

* The plot grinds to a halt as Bond and Melina walk us through some of Greece’s cultural heritage. The action kicks back in when Bond beds Contessa Brosnan.

* Columbo brings Bond onside by poking fun at his physique, and these new partners head off to detonate the warehouse where Kristatos keeps his big spherical balls. A taste of raw opium means Bond can zoom up a flight of stairs at superhuman speed and kick Locke’s car off a cliff.

* Bond and Melina meet underwater, then head for the shipwreck to retrieve the ATAC. In a clamp-heavy scene, Bond has to fight for freedom from a few foes. Kristatos captures and then keel-hauls the couple across the coral, until Bond cuts the cable. 

* Bond is an unbelievably impressive rock-climber for such an old man, so he is able to sneak up to the mountaintop monastery where Kristatos is waiting to meet Russian M. Bond ignores the main villain and instead has his big showdown with a henchman. Thankfully, Columbo is able to kill Kristatos, saving Melina from the satisfying resolution of avenging her parents’ murder.

* Bond throws the ATAC off the cliff, then chooses skinny-dipping over taking a call from the Prime Minister.

Official SPECTRE etc Theory (OffSeT) #12: Bond is aroused by insulting female drivers. We first saw this when Jaws was tearing the car apart, but Bond was having so much fun insulting Anya’s driving that he was unable to offer any sort of assistance. In this film, Bond is so desperate to make fun of Melina that he risks being captured just to force the car into a non-consensual collision! Put it away James, there is a mission to focus on!

Worst Impersonation Trophy: Col has a series of impressive vocal impersonations in this episode. He cleverly and accurately mimics men, women, even parrots! Col even plays both characters in a single scene at one stage. But there is one impersonation that Col just can’t pull off. In an attempt to appear in-step with our younger listeners, Col pretends he watches Game of Thrones. His ruse is undone by a fairly innocuous follow-up question, so for this pretence of trendiness we award Col this episode’s WIT.

And of course, keep checking back for a link to our petition to have Max the Parrot replace JW Pepper as Bond’s best-known sidekick!

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Welcome to SPECTRE etc. This is the James Bond podcast where we discuss the ins and the outs of each film. In this rant-filled episode, we follow Bond for a race to Outer Space (with hasty pit stops in California and Venice and Brazil). Along the way, we will dissect and then reassemble the Frankenstein of a film that is Moonraker.

* A space shuttle is hijacked, Bond is thrown out of a plane without a parachute, and the menacing henchman Jaws returns! And all that happens pre-titles! Surely a high-adrenaline adventure awaits!

* Bassey is back, but it appears she has not been fully thawed-out. Her low-energy number can’t be saved by some sub-standard silhouettes, and all the heat goes out of that great opening sequence. 

* Bond must recover the hijacked shuttle, so he is given a wristy pistol and is sent to California. There he meets a lady doctor, if you can believe it!

* Years fall away from Bond’s face as Chang has him going around in circles. To recover, James breaks into Corrin’s room with plans to penetrate. Drax aims to assassinate Bond, before killing Corrin.

* James visits a glass factory that is (rather inconveniently, it would seem) located in Venice. This leads to one of the worst attempts on Bond’s life so far, and somehow this scene goes downhill from there! After surprising the Piazza with a gondola on wheels, James turns Chang into a cartoon character.

* All of this commotion brings M to Venice. He gives Bond some MORE time off (do some work for once, James!), and then sends him to Rio. Tough life, being an agent...

* Between Carnivale and the cable-cars, an increasingly-feckless Jaws is unable to kill Bond. Just when we are worried that this great henchman is losing his edge, Jaws goes and falls in love. Speechless, senseless love!

* Bond turns cowboy for a few baffling minutes that include a science lesson in a monastery. Then, like all good cowboys, James is off on a speedboat chase - this time through the jungles of Brazil.

* Deep in the jungle, Bond forgets the mission and starts following a beautiful girl. This helps him to accidentally stumble upon Drax’s lair. Everyone gathers to watch Bond beat a snake, before Drax blasts off.

* Bond and Holly jump in one of the other rockets and give chase - demonstrating classic zero-gravity acting along the way. A brief chat about eugenics is enough to turn Jaws into a good guy, and soon enough we have a Space Laser Battle!

* “Space Laser Battle” is not as exciting as it sounds, as it turns out. Drax is mercifully sent out into space before explosions start to destroy the space station. Bond and Holly try to escape, but need Jaws to help release their space shuttle. Jaws, ever the gentleman, obliges.

* Bond and Holly try not to look too bored as they hurtle through space to prevent the apocalypse. Once Bond gets his shot away, he realises he is on camera. James gives Her Majesty a wink, and gets back to work.

Official SPECTRE etc Theory (OffSeT) #11: The Bond villain with “the best life” is Thunderball’s Largo. Despite floating the theory that Drax has the best lifestyle of any of the Bond villains we have seen so far, it is decided that the SPECTRE etc. team would really like to be Largo. The cool boat, the shark pool, living in the Bahamas, Domino… 

And of course, keep checking back for a link to our petition to re-shoot the “Wuthering Heights” music video - this time with Kate Bush running through the woods as rabid dogs chase her down!

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Welcome to SPECTRE etc. This is the James Bond podcast where we discuss the ins and the outs of each film. In this Egyptian episode, we join Bond on his XXX-rated mission to retrieve microfilm from the Jaws of defeat. Ignore that floating Lotus - let us wet-bike you to Atlantis and beyond as we strive to find an original premise in The Spy Who Loved Me.

* The pre-titles sequence introduces Agent XXX before we’re off to the Austrian Alps to watch Bond pull out. Some skiing stunts show us the strength that can be found in silence. We ignore Carly Simon’s sleepy song to focus once more on what those silhouettes are up to.

* Some subs are missing, so Bond chases up a lead in Egypt. Bond rides a camel before dismounting at a friend’s tent. Fear not though - more humps are in Bond’s future as some 70s sex-slavery convinces Bond to pitch his own tent for the night.

* Bond’s visit to Cairo involves some unconvincing fighting on a rooftop and the obligatory Pyramids trip. Here we get to see Jaws kill a man who - apparently - was already completely drained of blood.

* Microchip negotiations begin, but are interrupted when Kolba is killed. Bond and Anya join forces to follow Jaws - who kidnaps them and heads off into the desert.

* Bond and Agent Anya are forced to work together to retrieve the microchip and escape Jaws. On the boat back to Cairo, Anya has to honeypot herself out of harm’s way. She is sent right back into harm’s way when Russian M demands the agents officially work together.

* For some reason, Bond and Anya catch a train to Sardinia, leaving them open to an ambush by Jaws! Despite the astounding hand:face ratio in the ensuing fight, Bond manages a shocking victory.

* Bond and Anya pose as Marine Biologists to visit Stromberg. The seemingly pointless meeting gives us our first real look at Atlantis, and then our Marine Biologists are abruptly sent back to the mainland.

* A really exciting chase sequence builds from a motorcycle to a car to a helicopter, and climaxes with a submarine-Lotus. Elon Musk - if you are listening and would like to licence our “Float-us” idea, get in touch!

* Once Bond and Anya actually infiltrate Atlantis, the film becomes little more than a drawn-out imitation of You Only Live Twice. Come on, Lewis Gilbert - it’s no wonder the Revenge of the Nerds protagonists were able to usurp your name!

* With nameless nobodies dying all around, Bond finds a copy of “Nuclear Subs for Dummies” and uses the easy-to-follow instructions to reprogram the launch coordinates for both submarines.

* Bond tracks down Stromberg for an anticlimactic showdown, before running into Jaws for the real final battle. Bond is rewarded for all those childhood years playing Skilltester at the arcade.

* We finish the film with Bond throwing out a quintessential “Double 0-ntendre”, followed by curtains and the most mind-boggling musical miscue imaginable.

Official SPECTRE etc Theory (OffSeT) #10: You never forget your first Blofeld. Forget trying to grab a teenage audience with the Bourne-style films, the Bond franchise needs to grab new fans before they can walk. “My First Blofeld” is a toy that would get the kiddies into Bond at the youngest possible age. Cam rightly points out that kids love a plush toy - especially one with a face you can scar and re-scar over and over!

And of course, keep checking back for a link to our petition to expose and immortalize this film’s lazy rehashing of a previous Bond adventure by re-naming it “You Only Live Thrice”!

Worst Impersonation Trophy:

Col’s first attempt at Agent Anya sounds more like Mary Poppins than XXX - which has Cam accusing him of actually striving for this noble title! Little did Cam know that Col has holding his really awful Anya impersonation back for the film’s finale - where he bafflingly turns her into some sort of Russian robot.

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Welcome to SPECTRE etc. This is the James Bond podcast where we discuss the ins and the outs of each film. In this episode, we ponder the confluence of factors that has brought together the unholy trinity of Roger Moore, Guy Hamilton, and JW Pepper. Thankfully this mess is saved by Christopher Lee’s superb Scaramanga. Join us as we jump on his junk to journey through a melange of Asian cultures in The Man with the Golden Gun.

* The pre-titles sequence provides an opportunity to push through a long list of poorly-thought-through puns. The comedy turns to horror when the titles sequence credits mention the Hamilton/Pepper combination.

* Bond teaches the viewer much more than they could possibly need to know about Scaramanga, before once again abusing the far-too-generous leave allowances at MI6.

* Now that Bond is off the clock, his first stop is a Middle-Eastern strip club. His much-less-glamorous second stop involves some Middle-Eastern laxatives.

* Once that is out of his system, Bond makes his way to Macau to play some Travel Trouble at the casino.

* In Hong Kong, Bond demonstrates how easy it is to break into any old hotel room you want. Then we learn the classy way to assault a lady is to offer her some post-traumatic champagne.

* Bond narrowly avoids death at the Bottoms Up Club, before being whisked away to M’s crooked office aboard a shipwreck.

* Bond leaves Hip to meet Hi Fat and Chew Mee - as Guy Hamilton does his best to cram in every cultural convention from the entire continent of Asian nations, including a completely unnecessary scene at a karate school.

* Speaking of completely unnecessary parts of this film, once again a boat chase leads to us meeting up with Sheriff JW Pepper… Ugh.

* Bond turns Goodnight into a pile of pillows, before forcing her to listen as he and Andrea come together.

* Bond and Scaramanga finally meet at Thai kickboxing, which leads to one of the coolest Bond stunts (backed by the least-cool sound: a slide-whistle) before Scaramanga’s car flies away with Goodnight in the trunk.

* Bond flies to Scaramanga’s island lair with three goals. We applaud the film’s location scouts, we hypothesise that Scaramanga is a “dark side” version of Bond, and we consider the irony of Bond’s demise being potentially triggered by a bikini-clad bottom.

* We finish on some junk - Bond packs one last assassin into a suitcase, before M mystifyingly calls Scaramanga’s direct line.

Official SPECTRE etc Theory (OffSeT) #9: Guy Hamilton is not a skilled director. Matt has been pushing this barrow for almost the whole run of podcasts, and it would seem he has finally beaten the rest of SPECTRE Etc into submission. Formerly, Matt has railed against Hamilton speeding up footage unnecessarily, adding scenes that contribute nothing to the plot, and showing a lack of depth perception on the greenscreen. This film’s jarring mashup of menacing thriller and schoolboy farce is the last straw!

And of course, keep checking back for a link to our petition to force the Bottoms Up barmaid responsibilities to be limited to nothing more than cracking cans of beer!

Worst Impersonation Trophy:

After winning a couple of WITs since Connery left, Col bounces back by rattling off a series of excellent impersonations. Col masterfully mimics Goodnight, that little boy, and even Mrs Pepper… But then Col’s impersonation of Roger Moore negotiating has Col crashing back to Earth. Unfortunately Roger is going to be with us for a while - Col will have to stick to the co-stars!

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Welcome to SPECTRE etc. This is the James Bond podcast where we discuss the ins and the outs of each film. In this episode, we warmly welcome a British icon to the Bond franchise. But enough about Paul McCartney, let’s meet Roger Moore - our third James Bond in three films. Join us for our voyage into voodoo as we jump the crocodile and explore why Moore is less. 

* The pre-titles sequence is a pre-Roger sequence, so it is good fun for all concerned. Paul McCartney’s classic song completes a very exciting introduction.

* The producers have learnt from the way they shoved Lazenby’s casting down our throat, and Moore’s introduction is nicely underplayed. Unfortunately, the coffee-making is terribly overplayed.

* Bond takes us on a woefully inaccurate tour of New York City (Don’t get on the FDR!) and then the Pimpmobile to Harlem. Before Bond buys a 70 cent cheeseburger, he is captured - allowing him to wander around a Rec Room and meet Solitaire and Tee-Hee (the one-and-a-half-armed man). 

* After a brief meeting with Mr Big, Bond escapes and follows Kananga to the Caribbean. At the resort, Bond meets Mrs. Bond - a fairly useless agent whose only real achievement is that she held that particular title longer than anyone else has managed (sorry, Contessa Teresa).

* Quarrel Jr makes a confusing appearance and helps Bond break into Kananga’s house - allowing James to very creepily manipulate Solitaire into giving up her virginity, and therefore her magical powers. Bond, however, hangs on to his magical powers: turning a double-decker bus into a single-decker bus!

* Back on the mainland, Bond foolishly returns to the Fillet of Soul - where he is again captured. We learn that Mr Big and Kananga are the same person, and this person sends Bond to “The Farm” for a very cool crocodile-jumping stunt.

* As if a ten-minute boat chase isn’t doing enough to weaken the film, the completely-out-of-context JW Pepper is introduced to completely ruin the viewing experience.

* We return to Kananga’s island - where the voodoo show stretches credibility before all that business with the gas pellet betrays believability altogether.

* We end on a train, where Bond disarms Tee-Hee, but doesn’t notice Baron Samedhi on the cow-catcher! 

Official SPECTRE etc Theory (OffSeT) #8: Time stops for no man, but it seems to stop for Bond. Yet again, Bond is on a time-sensitive mission to save the world - and yet again, he has time to pause mid-mission to woo the ladies! Scuba sex with Domino, hillside hugs with Kissy, and now a passionate picnic with Rosie… Get back to work James!

And of course, keep checking back for a link to our petition to crown Sheriff JW Pepper as the most annoying character in the entire Bondiverse!

Worst Impersonation Trophy:

Col manages to throw in his JW Pepper (a good ol’ boy from The South) when trying to impersonate a Harlem cab driver - two characters from VERY different worlds. Now that Connery has left, Col needs to expand his impersonation game!

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Welcome to SPECTRE etc. This is the James Bond podcast where we discuss the ins and the outs of each film. In this episode, we welcome Sean Connery back to the title role as he takes his chances in Las Vegas.

* The pre-titles sequence shows Sean beating up people around the world before finally coming face to face with Blofeld (who looks frustratingly similar to a Bond ally from an earlier film). Bond disarms Blofeld’s highly-trained security detail and drowns #1 in a big bath of number two. 

* Titles: the music is sleepy, but the lyrics are suggestive! Then a probably-still-mourning Bond visits MI6, as his co-workers show very little sympathy.

* Our deconstruction of the relationship between Wint & Kidd leads to the obligatory Back to the Future reference. After this, Moneypenny’s hypothetical backstory is debated before we catch a hovercraft to Holland. This new location gives Cam the chance to crowbar in an Anne Frank joke or two.

* Once we determine the different avenues through which one could get a load of diamonds into a stomach, we are blessed with some real Guy Hamilton Gangsters. A cremating coffin comes close to killing Bond, but fake diamonds let him off the hook.

* We see Plenty O’Toole land in the Whyte House pool, before director Guy Hamilton wastes 10 minutes of our time at Circus Circus and then baffles us by killing O’Toole in yet another pool. Blow up your pants, Hamilton!

* Bond breaks into WW Enterprises, gathers information, then escapes into the Nevada desert in a moon buggy. Naturally. Along the way, Cam takes off his doctor hat to don his science goggles - and we all learn something about radiation shields.

* That awful desert chase sequence leads to a pretty cool car chase through the streets of Las Vegas. Unfortunately all the damage caused by Bond’s disregard for the laws of physics leads to him being placed under (Whyte) House arrest. 

* Bond scales a wall to distance himself from the fishbowl sofabed. Upon reaching the penthouse, he lands on what may or may not be a wooden toilet. Bond leaves the bathroom to meet two blokes who are both Blofeld! James kicks the wrong cat, and that is that.

* Ordered to kill Bond, Wint & Kidd leave James in a pipeline buried in the desert. Bond escapes with ease, and returns to Vegas. Blofeld is fooled into revealing the whereabouts of the real Willard Whyte, and James joins the CIA on the rescue mission. 

* Tiffany (somehow) spots Blofeld in drag, so ends up on his oilrig. From this rig, Blofeld can control his Space Laser - though his delegation of tasks among his henchmen could be smarter. Meanwhile, Bond has arrived to save the day as Tiffany descends into dimwittedness.

* Bond takes Tiffany on a cruise ship to celebrate, but Wint & Kidd are onboard! Thankfully, they are no longer incredibly skilled and effective assassins, so Bond is able to send them overboard pretty easily. 

Official SPECTRE etc Theory (OffSeT) #7: SPECTRE has no retirement package? This was first suggested by the old lady working the tollbooth in Goldfinger, and is confirmed by the old lady smuggling diamonds in this film. If you manage to survive working for SPECTRE long enough to reach old age, they sure aren’t about to put you out to pasture. Blofeld will find something for you to do!

And of course, keep checking back for a link to our petition to replace all ferries with hovercrafts!

Excited by Sean’s return, Benso forgets he has yet to do an even-nearly-acceptable Connery impersonation. So he winds up with what we are promised will be a “thick Scottish” accent, but then delivers a pretty broad Aussie inflection on every vowel. Better luck next time, Benso!

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Welcome to SPECTRE etc. This is the James Bond podcast where we discuss the ins and the outs of each film. In this episode, it is “Sayonara Sean!” as the only Bond we’ve ever known is re-cast. George Lazenby is not the only new thing about this Bond - our cold-hearted spy now has all sorts of feelings! Join our journey on George’s emotional rollercoaster in “On Her Majesty’s Secret Service”.

* The pre-titles sequence (slowly) reveals a new Bond smashing through the fourth wall. Then the title sequence (subtly) works to ensure we know that - even without Connery - this is still a Bond film.

* Draco’s henchmen (or are they matchmakers?) do their best to help Bond and Tracy come together.

* We are heartened by Bond finally asking Moneypenny on an actual date, before we are dismayed by his little tantrum. But Bond brings us back onboard by falling in love with Tracy - using the magic of montage!

* Bond’s new safecracker seems a step backward from the previous film, but DOES allow him time to check Playboy’s new direction.

* Bond arrives in Switzerland - undercover as Hillary Bray - and jumps in Irma’s sleigh. At Piz Gloria, he sees many beautiful “clients” of the “allergy institute” before he and Blofeld meet! For the first time? It seems that way. But why is that? 

* Bond’s alter-ego Hilly is having a great time with the ladies, but our thoughts are with poor Tracy waiting at home for her lover to return.

* Bond is caught by Blofeld and stuffed into the cable-car gears room. Bond escapes this not-really-a-prison in what is so very nearly a great scene.

* Bond heads off down the hill, incognito in powder-blue leggings. Just when all seems lost, he is saved by Tracy. This involves the grand Swiss traditions of a demolition derby on ice, and proposing marriage in a barn.

* Bond again has to ski for safety, but Blofeld triggers an avalanche and captures Tracy. MI6 are no help, so Bond asks “Father of the Year” Draco to help him mount a rescue attempt. Draco saves his daughter by punching her in the face, while Blofeld battles Bond in bobsleds before branching off.

* An odd bunch of people gather for Bond’s wedding, before Bond opens his honeymoon with some light deflowering action.

Official SPECTRE etc Theory (OffSeT) #5: Connery can’t play romance. We recite Connery’s entire acting resume (as we know it) and reach the obvious conclusion - as good an actor as Sean is, he does not take romantic roles. Harrison Ford, Nicholas Cage, a submarine… Connery avoids female co-stars!

And of course, keep checking back for a link to our petition to have Lazenby’s hometown of Goulburn honour the great man by erecting a “Big George” right there with the Big Merino.

About two hours in, Col is concerned about Draco and M having a casual chat at the wedding. The rest of us are concerned about Col attempting a “Godfather” accent that comes out closer to bronchitis than Brando...

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