Today we are talking about mental health during social distancing with America’s favorite psychologist, Dr. Fran Walfish.
Who’s taking it harder, the grandparents or the grandchildren? (1:40)
Dr. Gaman discusses what they have been doing for Judy’s parents and other family members during social distancing. (4:46)
Dr. Anderson shares a zoom meeting story. (5:42)
The importance of ‘physically’ seeing someone vs zoom call. (6:50)
Hugging, and how important the feeling of being held is. (8:40)
Rise in domestic abuse and marital conflict during quarantine. (9:49)
Sex and how it feuls and arguement (13:00)
Relationship dynamics of the Pessimist Vs. Optimist (14:06)
Humor (16:45)
Pain is a motivator for change (17:33)
Importance of communication (18:04)
Rise in depression and need for routine (19:36)
Mood changes during COVID (23:14)
Decision fatigue (24:25)
Preventing decision fatigue in others (27:07)
Death and dying and its effects on thoughts (28:55)
Dr. Fran’s top 10 tips--listed below (31:25)
Telemedicine with Dr. Fran [email protected]
Fresh off the Press: Health News That’s Fresh off the Press (40:58)
https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/childhood-adversity-linked-to-heart-disease-in-middle-age
You can follow Dr. Fran Walfish:
www.DrFranWalfish.com
Twitter: @franwalfish
Facebook: @drfranwalfish
The following is copyrighted by Dr. Fran Walfish, Psy.D. 2020
- Connecting with Grandparents during social distancing:
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- The best way to stay connected with elderly loved ones when you can’t be there in person is to FaceTime, Skype or Zoom with them on their computer or via their caregiver’s iPhone or Smartphone. When the senior person sees you and hears your voice it adds to the feeling of attachment. True, they cannot touch you in person. However, during this unprecedented medical Coronavirus medical crisis, folks should not be touching each other even when they are face to face.
- Try some of these bonding activities with your children and their grandparents.
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- Write letters or make art to send to other family members
- Play board games like Candyland, checkers, on Zoom
- Create an art zone in your home
- Watch kid bake homemade cookies and then make your own goodies
- Finally print out those pictures on your phone and put them in a photo album and talk about fun you enjoyed together
- Help your kids make a movie or documentary with a phone or tablet and show it Grandma and Grandpa
- The Pessimist vs the Optimist:
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- The Pessimist feels challenged by huge mountains to climb to reach a place of Optimistic view. To sustain that position feels next to impossible to those programmed very young toward harsh self-criticism and unrealistically high self-expectations
- Why does one person have the capacity to change when another doesn’t? There is mystery in this dilemma, even among the professionals. In short, below are the personality traits I see in those who can change themselves. I wrote this before the COVID-19 siege. I think optimism, recognizing that hardship and strife is temporary, and remaining hopeful should all be added to my list below.
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- Solid ego strength - The person doesn’t have to be “right” all of the time, nor does he need to have things always go his way (or the highway!).
- Capacity to self-examine and be accountable for one’s own mistakes. The person can take an honest, painful look within and own up to an error and offer a genuine, heartfelt apology.
- Humor - the ability to laugh at oneself and the natural missteps everyone takes.
- Pain threshold - Pain is usually the motivator for change. It is the gasoline that drives a person into my psychotherapy office.
- Reasonably healthy communication skills - the individual can generally make their feelings, needs, and wants known through verbal expression.
- Determination and will - The individual is usually not passive. They are the type of person who doesn’t give up easily and has the drive to make it to the finish line.
- Combating Depression:
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- Action and productivity is the antidote to stagnation and depression. Feelings change from moment to moment, so don’t surprised if you feel happy and the next you are irritated. Many people among us are suffering and even dying today's current World Health Crisis called COVID-19. Couples are forced to live in close, cramped quarters many with kids and no respite leading to raw nerves and shorter fuses.
- It is very important to adopt the belief that all of your feelings are acceptable and temporary. There is no right or wrong when it comes to emotions.
- It is not the issue that is crucial but rather developing healthy skills to “hang in” with each other and deal with conflicts. Most people either position defensively and attack their partner, run for cover, fall silent, or collapse into tears of hurt and helplessness.
- No matter how non-judgmental and open we think we are, we all grow up with negative or critical messages that shape us. We all on some level categorize others in our minds. Many of us have strong uncomplimentary opinions and we sometimes, intentionally or not, communicate these thoughts and ideas to others. These messages, just like relationship styles, get handed down from generation after generation, so if you are a negative or critical person, know that your style and your messages will likely carry through to your partner (and children, grandchildren and beyond). Even the most kind, patient, and loving person slips into a negative statement once in a while.
- Be aware of your own issues. Be accountable and own up to your part of the problem.
- Don’t react immediately. Cool off first. Listen carefully without interrupting to understand what doesn’t feel good to your partner and with genuine interest.
- If you have a complaint or criticism, present it like an oreo cookie couched between two positive statements so he will be more receptive and less defensive.
- Stick to the topic. Don’t bring in a laundry list of complaints about things that happened 10 years ago.
- Use humor. Laughing can diffuse the intensity of an argument, keep perspective and help lighten up the moment.
- DR. FRAN’S TOP TEN TIPS:
- 1. Accept the fact that all of us grow up with messages of bias. Knew where biases and judgments exist within you. Own it. Then you can decide whether you want to alter those beliefs.
- 2. Take an honest look inside and notice if your anxiety rises when things are not in place, organized, or delivered on schedule. If you react by controlling you may be a perfectionist. Practice allowing your anxiety to rise and notice how much you can tolerate before taking control. Try raising the ceiling on your maximum tolerance level. Your goal is to be able to bear the anxiety that comes with imperfection.
- 3. Do not ever compare or contrast your partner to others. Measure your spouse/companion by his or her own standards.
- 4. Stay open-minded and flexible. Remember that rigidity is not healthy.
- 5. Remind yourself that there is always more than one way to view and deal with a situation.
- 6. If you are engaged in a power-struggle, let go of the arm wrestle. He can only keep tugging if there is someone on the other end pulling in the opposite direction.
- 7. Rules and boundaries must be stated with clarity, not anger. Be clear and concise, yet kind and empathic in your delivery.
- 8. Know that for you, a critical person, life really is a little harder. Your expectations for yourself are greater than most. Feel empathy for yourself so that you can feel empathy for your partner.
- 9. Stay open to listening to and hearing your partner’s feelings. You don’t have to agree with his/her demands. But everyone wants to be heard, validate, and understood. So give that courtesy to your companion.
- 10. The strongest motivator for change is pain. Don’t wait for something terrible to happen. Make improving your relationship and lifelong happiness of you and your partner your motivation.
- DR. FRAN’S 7 TOP COMMUNICATION TIPS
- 1. Use of Universal Statements. Using phrases like “you always” or “you never” to your partner raises their guard and defenses because it focuses on what’s wrong with the person. Instead use “I” statements that focus on how you feel without blaming or accusing your beloved partner.
- 2. During intense disagreements, you often interrupt or think about your response while your partner is talking. Instead, “listen” intently without interrupting and try to understand and empathize with your partner’s feelings.
- 3. Your partner only focuses on his feelings. Instead, validate your partner’s feelings. Everyone is entitled to their own feelings, so do your best not to criticize, judge, belittle your partner, or minimize the importance of her feelings. When a person’s negative feelings are not validate, they will likely get more powerful, grow, and create a barrier in the relationship.
- 4. Your partner withholds communication or lies to you. Sometimes the truth is uncomfortable, especially if you know your partner may get angry hearing it. Be brave! Honesty in a relationship is extremely important because it is the fundamental thing that makes a person feel safe. Even if you think truth will be hard for you partner to hear, they will appreciate it in the long run.
- 5. Rigidity in your partner is a sign of trouble. Instead, be flexible. You may think your idea is best, but staying open to other’s opinions is an important ingredient in successful communication.
- 6. When arguing, your partner mixes apples with oranges. When discussing finances, don’t allow talk about housework and children to creep into the conversation. Stay focused on one topic at a time.
- 7. Your partner is too intense and businesslike when addressing your relationship problems. Instead, use humor! Humor can diffuse a rough situation and warm your partner up to you.
© Dr. Fran Walfish, Psy.D. 2020
