Steps and Tools for Emotional Intelligence

The research of Dr. John Gottman has spanned over 40 years and lays claim to the most scientific understanding of what makes couples happy together and what breaks them apart.  In this episode Dr. Hamlin discusses Gottman's famous "Four Horsemen" as patterns of communication and how to use them in a dating relationship.  Unless these 4 negative communication patterns are recognized and changed, the future spells trouble for the couple.  These four ways of interacting are the most important areas to think about, talk about with each other, and change together.

Disappointments are a part of life.  The smaller they are, the easier it is to "just get over it."  But major loss brings disappointment to a whole new level.  When loss has a magnitude that is earth-shattering we also find that our coping mechanisms are shattered.  The death of a loved one, the loss of a relationship, and even intangible losses can leave us floundering.  This is because the grief process requires us to grow in our emotional intelligence in gut-wrenching ways.  If we try to avoid this, we just prolong our misery.

The process of grief is a natural process of moving from point A (crushing loss that leaves us broken) to point B (full adjustment to our new reality).  Sadly, there is much confusion about what grief is and what to do with it.

In this episode Dr. Hamlin offers tools to understand the process of grief and steps to move through it.  He also describes how the right kind of therapy can make the whole process easier and faster.

People with mild paranoia often have difficulties in relationships.  Their trust issues take a particular form.  They are suspicious, quick to read between the lines, quick to assume that the person speaking with them has a hidden motive.  At times, they will accuse others of having thoughts and intentions that are not there.  It creates anger, frustration, and a whole boat-load of misunderstanding.

In this episode, Dr. Hamlin explains how to recognize this pattern in others and in one's self.  He briefly discusses the causes of this way of thinking.  Finally, he offers tips for how to deal with it in a constructive manner.

What does it look like to have a friend who is also your mentor?  What is the value of being mentored by someone who your friend?  In this episode Dr. Hamlin reflects on one of his own friendships to illustrate a few defining principles of mentoring friendships.  In the context of friendship, a mentor is an encourager and a witness to the forward movement of your life.

"This episode is dedicated to Erwin Mooradian, friend and mentor, who passed away in May 2017."

     -- GH

Someone once said that friends are God's apology for making families. Indeed, friendships can be one of the treasures of being human.  But friendship involves a relationship and relationships always have problems or challenges.

In this episode Dr. Hamlin describes three frustrations that often arise between friends.  Of course, understanding these frustrations doesn't make them go away, but it does make us smarter, i.e., more emotionally intelligent.  When we get perspective in this way, we are more apt to be patient and also make better decisions about the friendships we have.

What is a real friendship?  Are there actual characteristics that you one can pinpoint to evaluate whether or not a friendship is worth keeping?

In this episode Dr. Greg Hamlin briefly comments on these questions by outlining 10 features of satisfying friendships.  This is part one of a periodic series on the nature of emotionally intelligent friendships.  By understanding these 10 characteristics of friendship, it lays the groundwork for having perspective on how to build friendships over time.

It's everywhere.  It's in greeting cards, songs, TV shows, and movies.  And it saturates graduation speeches.  It's the myth that says, "You can be anything you want to be. Just follow your dreams."  

There's only one problem:  it just ain't so.

In this episode, Dr. Greg Hamlin briefly outlines the compelling reasons why we should stop telling our children, "You can be anything you want to be."  There are much better ways to build self-confidence.  There are better ways to encourage a child toward success in life.  If we can be clear about why this ubiquitous American myth should be nixed, then we can free our children to be confident and resilient as they dare to achieve great things.  The key is in preparing our children to be emotionally intelligent men and women who excel at frustration tolerance, reality-testing, and self-awareness.

What is all the fuss about mindfulness and mindful meditation?  Dr. Greg Hamlin briefly describes what mindfulness is and how it enhances emotional intelligence. He then explains three ways that mindfulness can increase your happiness by helping you to tune in to what is positive, store up positive memories, and reduce the time you spend on negative memories that are not worth your attention.  Finally, he suggests a very practical way to instantly get started practicing mindfulness.

In previous episodes Dr. Hamlin has discussed emotional burnout and what to do about it.  Earlier episodes touched on narcissism and how to speak to a narcissist. The current episode brings these two topics together: burnout and narcissism.  

What is a narcissistic boss?  If we understand the key characteristics of narcissistic personality disorder, it can inform our strategies for setting boundaries with an unreasonable, demanding boss.

Part of emotional intelligence is self-awareness.  This means that we need to make sure we are carrying our own weight in the workplace. We need to do some reality testing to make sure we are not projecting our own shortcomings onto the boss.  But if a boss is truly narcissistic, he or she will likely be critical, demanding, stingy with encouragement, and will tend to take credit for himself or herself when it comes to your accomplishments.  The lack of empathy is striking and the narcissistic boss will talk and make decisions in way that is wholly self-referential.

In this episode, Dr. Hamlin briefly explains 6 specific ways that a narcissistic boss causes crushing stress to those under him or her. But there's more.  This excessive stress spills over into the family, friends, or significant others of anyone working for a narcissistic boss.  He concludes by offering a few tips for how to cope with a narcissistic boss so that you can protect yourself and those you love.

Various forms of social anxiety are common in the workplace.  Even highly successful people can suddenly find a particular work situation becomes a trigger for high anxiety or even panic.  One such situation is the conference call or business meeting. Many people find themselves with sweaty palms and crawling skin when they are about to give a status update or give a presentation in a conference call.  Even more common are the rattled nerves before a presentation.  

Being overly nervous can hinder your performance and leave you with a feeling that you did poorly, even your presentation went reasonably well.  If you have to white-knuckle through the experience, then your are setting yourself up for unpleasantness the next time you have to give a presentation.

One solution involves a two step process.  First, you practice specific relaxation skills over time so that you don't have to learn them on the day of the call or the meeting. Second, you have some simple notes in front of you that are your cheat sheet for how to calm yourself.  This results in increased emotional intelligence so that you can outsmart your rattled nerves and be at your best.  In this episode, Dr. Greg Hamlin presents a quick-and-dirty audio cheat sheet for how to calm your nerves before a meeting.