Miles gets a few snaps he didn’t really want, while we get a couple of short stories from the King and the Prof.

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Oh, shoot. I need to pee. I don’t know what his name is. Welcome to Cocaine Murder Jam. This is Miles. We’re here until 3 a.m. This is Murder Jam 3. Thank you. Murder Jam 3. They’re going to steal it because they don’t do it anymore. We didn’t get enough murder and cocaine in the first two, so we had to come up with a third one. Yeah. Murder Jam. So, welcome to the stage. We got King Charles with us here tonight. And… Well, Dope and Doug Moody is over here on the other side of us. Dope and Doug. Sounds good to me. Okay. His hair is not really white. That’s all cocaine, I’m telling you. I think, so I think, Will, you should just call yourself King Charles. I think that’s good. You don’t like it? It’s coming. I got to earn it.
No, you’re kidding. I’m King Charles. I think you need to get yourself like a Burger King crown or something and put it on when you’re doing your act. First of all, step away. Give me a second. Oh, man. We started something now. Oh, great. Miles is here tonight with me again. Yeah. Miles, how’s it going? It’s going pretty good, Bob. How about you? So, Miles, you recently were in Quincy. Having a good time. Here he goes. He’s got a crown. Get out of town. Oh, snap. Oh, snap. King Charles is in the house. I already had one. A bitch gave it to me for my birthday. I still broke up with her. Two years ago, I was like, thanks for the crown. Yeah, there you go. Thanks for the crown. That’s nice. You look good in that.
That’s a great one. So now, Dope and Doug, what’s your thing? Something I got to show with Dope. I get it, cocaine. Here I go. Maybe, Doug, you have a big blunt or something. Light up a big blunt. A big blunt? Yeah, I get it. Those monster blunts. No? No. Well, King Charles has got your beat on props tonight. Looks good. You definitely do, yeah. Yeah. So last time it was like a takeover event here with Douglas, and now he’s got all quiet on me. I’m 69. It’s like I’m on midnight. Are you kidding me? Yeah, I know. We’re pushing it, right? We’re pushing it. Yeah, this is sick. I mean, you know. His wife’s out of town. He’s taking full advantage of the fact that she’s gone. And I think he’s purchased at least three different movies on his pay cable service. And he’s sitting in here. I’m out of Geritol.
I’m out of Geritol and everything, you know, so I don’t know how I’m going to survive. He’s just mixed up a big glass of Metamutual and he’s getting ready to be regularly banned. Yeah, really. With High C. Really that way. Yeah, yeah. And then we got King Charles over here who’s doing some kind of weird kiddie shots with Smirnoff and High C. I don’t know what the hell’s going on over there. It’s Kool-Aid, sir. It’s Kool-Aid? Yeah. I’m so glad. That’s the same. It’s Kool-Aid Smirnoff edition he’s got going on. Hold up your shot glass or whatever the hell you’re drinking out of there. I have one. I bought these off Amazon. I technically have four. It only costs like $8. Oh, okay. There you go. This is your plug, Amazon. All right. It’s called the Jim Jones. Yeah. No kidding. It’s called…
Tea time with King Charles. This ain’t no fucking tea. What the hell? I got to go read Go Basic. Women act like when they come around me, I drink all these shots around them. What did you say, Doug? I’m trying to brush the cobwebs off my Go Basic book that I have. Oh, okay. Here we go. There you go. Okay. A little bit later, Douglas is going to teach us how to make an app. for a smartphone and King Charles is going to tell us how to keep all your tires in East Memphis. There you go. Yeah. We ain’t doing any go basic. I can tell you that. Miles, what are you doing for us a little bit later? Nothing. Nothing. Okay. Nothing. So either one of you guys have a story that’s happened to you recently that you’d like to tell, you know, a funny story. It doesn’t have to be, it doesn’t have to be a bits or anything. It could literally just be, I was at the supermarket, you know, like here’s an example for you. One time miles came to visit me here in St. Louis and we went to get donuts at the Schnucks, which is a real supermarket.
And we were gathering our donuts, and the lady opened, and we had our donuts sitting on the ledge, and the lady opened the door and knocked all our donuts onto the floor. Yeah. And then kind of did an Urkel. Did I do that? So, you know, it’s kind of a weird story, humorous story. You guys got anything like that? I don’t know. Charles is thinking for a second. He’s like, oh, yeah, I got something. Yeah, I know. What do you got, Charles? All right. See, take these shots first. But I’m going to tell you the truth. All right. All right, here we go. So, okay, I’m a very helpful, charitable tool man, whatever that word is. So I don’t hire hoes to have sex with me.
I have them from other things. Like, I literally paid a whole last week $60 to clean my house. But she didn’t know she was signing up for that until she came over here. She came over here. I was dressed sexy. She was like, you ready? I said, yeah, I’m ready for you to vacuum this living room and mop the kitchen. Yeah. This really happened. It’s not even a comic. I’m like, yeah, I learned the best housekeeping you can get is from hoes. So I just gave y’all some words of wisdom. Hey, I think that was a Lost Beatles song. It’s called Ho Tripper. He’s a ho tripper. Yeah. So how clean is your place after that? Extremely. She did it. Why would a hoe be better than hiring a cleaning lady? Because they’re cheaper. A cleaning lady, I trust my quotes, a real cleaning lady would have charged me like $200 for where I stay here. The hoe did it for $60, so I’m like, yeah, call a bargain. That is a bargain. I’m surprised that she…
Well, okay. If you want me to clean, I’ll clean. I mean, what’s the… She wasn’t upset? Yeah, I gave her a relief. She was like, I thought I was going to suck dick. I’m like, no, you’re not. You’re going to suck this dirt from this vacuum. That’s what you’re going to do. Ain’t no dick sucking involved. Yeah. I guess you don’t have to tip either. It’s a flat feet kind of a situation is what you’re saying. Uh-huh. I mean, what if you wanted to clean your bathroom? Oh, she did all of it. She did literally. And the kids that she mopped, I had everything set out for her. She didn’t bring her own supplies. I see. There’s the hook. You had to supply everything. She didn’t bring all her own supplies. I got you.
I already had them. She thought she was showing up with pussy, and I was like, nah, you showing up to do some real work that can show you that you don’t have to sell pussy no more. Maybe you can just do it. See, I was trying to show her a better way. And like, she’s like, clean the chips instead of sucking the dick. So anyway. That’s quite a story. I don’t think I’ve ever thought of that. Miles, is that something that you have considered? No, I’ve never been in that position before. I think every man should do it. I’m starting a revolution. I’m like, hire whores for real services. Did you ever get one to do your taxes? do my own but um that’s a good idea but yeah you can do that yeah they can do everything you want i’m finna have some horse um cut my grass and wash my car so wow that sounds great oh my goodness yeah well i suppose that that there is a bit of lawn service involved in the whoring industry as well. Hmm. Mm-hmm.
Interesting. Douglas, do you want to top that story? You got any stories? That’s hard. I can only say my wife and I way back kind of were out with some friends, you know, at a restaurant, and it was a country restaurant, right? So one of the things they had were words that people in the country used that mean something different than normal. You know what I mean? So they might. You know, so they had just a whole bunch of words. And one of the words was put out, which, you know, means to be, you know, saddened about something, you know, put out. So that was the thing. But I said to my friend, so what does put out mean? And he said, well, Long Island girls put out with my wife right there. So that was pretty funny. He said, I don’t think that’s what they mean by put out.
Apparently he never met your wife because you’ve been pretty depressed. Yeah, he definitely put you out. Yeah, put out, you know, put out, you know, like give it up sort of. Yeah. Well, no, yeah, I see that’s what he was getting at. But unfortunately in the country, they mean you got to put the cat out for the night. Yeah, put out. Well, put out means that you’re – because I’m from that area. Put out would mean that you’re disappointed. You’re put out. You didn’t get the job. Yeah, I was really put out. I was really put out that Bill didn’t hire a hoe to clean my house whenever he hired one for his. And then my wife was really handsome. Hey, I’ll look out for you. Yeah, neighbors, can you get a two-for-one? That’s the good question. Yeah. A BOGO, that’s what you want? A BOGO, that’s right. Yeah. Anything is possible. Anything is possible.
Miles, have you got anything tonight besides Hoes and Long Island? Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, so, like, I got a call from, like, a customer, you know, and she’s like, and this is not a joke, it’s a true story, but she goes, yeah, I think I was sent, like, the wrong delivery, you know. Oh, no. and so there was a kind of a debate whether or not she was or not. I go, well, listen, um, I’m going to send you a text and I want you to send you, send back some pictures of like what you received. Right. Okay. Cause there was just a little bit of a friendly debate, whether or not this is the right thing or not. Right. So she’s like, Oh, okay. Real nicely. Like, Oh, okay. I will. I will. Yeah. Yeah. So I sent a text, I go, Hey, this is miles from, you know, the part store, please, you know, send back. And, uh,
So it’s 10 o’clock at night. I check my phone. I’m like, oh, good. She sent back. And I realized that I have mistyped her number. And someone has sent back a picture of their own feces in the toilet. And it is just full of feces. I’m like, oh, wow. Oh, my gosh. Did you text yourself? No. I have this picture. I’m going to send it to you. No, I don’t want to see this. Yes, I’m going to do it. Do not text me any feces pictures from strangers. I’m like, oh man, wow. Are you sure this wasn’t from a conversation you had earlier in the day? Because this sounds like one of your things. No. I would not be into this at all, man. Show me your business. No, I do not want to see someone’s dookie, man. Are you certain? Because this really sounds like
this is not, no, this isn’t a call for help or something. I mean, it’s yeah so then, did you ever figure out the other lady’s problem the uh yeah i was just afraid to tell her what happened though there’s no way in hell, lady, that somebody sent you a toilet full of shit. Yeah, I’m going to send you this picture. No, I do not. It’s a dead cat picture you’re trying to send me for a while. I want to see any of your weird pictures that you get. No, I went to this weird thing once, and they were selling animals that had been pickled in jars, and the one had cut off his cat’s head. This is where he goes. He goes to some kind of festival or something. No, someone cut off a cat’s head, and it was in a jar.
And it was for sale, and I always said, Bob, I’m going to send you this picture. And he’s like, oh, no, you’re not. So, like, flash forward, like, I thought I was dying in the ER. So I started to send him, like, all these dirty pictures and stuff. And just in case I kick it, and I sent him, like, the cat, like, you know, he, like, freaked out. I don’t want to see any of your weird-ass texting that goes on. Do you want to see it again? No, I don’t. I don’t want to see it. I never wanted to see it. It was a real cat’s head in a jar. I think it was legal for people to sell heads of cats into bottles. I mean, I think that’s to be illegal. They said they were selling human bones. I go, I don’t think that’s legal, man. Right? I don’t think you can do that. Doug, can you rule in on this? Yeah, no, no. You can’t sell bones. I used to work at a morgue, so I know you can’t do that. See, there you go.
Yeah, you can’t do that. Look at everything. What happened to Will? It was a dead-end job. Will would stop by for a cold one. I did, though. I really did. I used to… I worked in a nursing home. So people died a lot. So you had to take them down to the cellar and… Yeah, it’s not pleasant to take their teeth out and stuff. Oh, geez. Oh, God. Not so many people do now, but everybody had false teeth in the 60s. That was over 40. For whatever reason, people rubbed raw sugar cane in their mouth or something back in the 40s and 50s and then brushed their teeth. Well, we have more fluoride now. I think that helps now, although some people don’t like that, but
What the fuck? The fluoride’s been in the water for quite some time. It’s not been, I guess, the 40s, maybe. Yeah, I don’t know. Yeah, but I can tell you, Doug, that I grew up without fluoridated water, and I still have all my teeth. Well, most of my teeth. I’ll put it that way. Look at King Charles. Yeah. Most of my co-workers are missing the sap. That’s a small sample size. Right. A small sample size. Small sample size. So you can find people that are 100 that have been smoking and drinking and there are hundreds. Yeah, exactly. Oh, my God. So it’s hard to say, but that doesn’t mean everyone can smoke and drink and live to be 100. That’s true. We had a New Year’s. We had a New Year’s Eve party and Greek friends of ours brought over a cake. And in the cake was a quarter.
And if you got the piece of cake with the quarter in it, you were going to have a happy year. I’m still like the baby in the cake for Mardi Gras. Gotcha. So I’m trying to be a jokester. So I say, well, what if I eat the cake and I choke on a quarter? And then my wife said, well, then it’ll be a good year. Then my wife said it’ll be a good year for her. Yeah, I was going to say. Your wife chimed right in on that one. Yeah, so that left myself open for that one, you know. Douglas Moody, the Henny Youngman of the new millennium. That’s right. Take my wife, please, you know, right? Yeah. So, Miles, did you ever fix this lady’s problem? I don’t really insult her like he did, sort of. Miles, did you fix the lady’s problem or no? No, I haven’t talked to her yet. Oh, okay. You’re too busy sorting through the shit pics. Okay. Yeah.
I was disgusted at first, and then I was kind of impressed after a while. I’m like, damn. I haven’t had a BM like that in a long time. I don’t know. It was hard to really say. Miles Title, PC’s forensics expert. That sounds good to me. Wait until you see it. Don’t send me your nasty ass. I’m going to. This guy sends me… This is not the worst thing I’ve ever sent you. Come on. I think my carriage is going to turn into a pumpkin now at midnight, so I’m going to have to hurry up and skedaddle. Let’s give a big round of applause for Douglas Moody. Thank you, Doug. Hey, thank you. Nice talking to you guys. Hope you had fun. Take care, Doug. Stop by anytime. We love you. Bye-bye.
I’m going to get drunk and watch Kill Tony’s episode tonight and realize how retarded these people are. That’s literally what I do. Do you have to get up in the morning? King Charles, do you have to get up in the morning? Nope. I get to sleep it off. Well, I hope you can show up for Was it Cocaine Murder Club 4? What is it? They don’t exist no more. That’s what I used to do. That’s how I started. If they did, I need to bring it back and just call it that. I was doing that after Chicago. That was my first virtual mic. There you go. They don’t do it anymore. Maybe they all OD’d. I don’t know. Oh no, the recording stopped. I didn’t hit the button.