Loyalty structures are patterns that develop in childhood as a means for staying in good favor with our families of origin as well as peer groups.  These structures are often very influential in how we show up in the world and they usually include aspects of our glory.  However, when undetected, they wreak havoc in our adult lives as we still operate according to their design. In this episode we unpack the concept of loyalty structures and how identifying them in our lives begins the process of healing from their grasp.

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Suffering can move us toward God or it can move us away from him;  consequently away from being fully human and alive. In the wake of a collective tragedy we discuss how to love your community by understanding the ways we often avoid the pain of suffering.

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In this episode we engage Shelly's story in our studio.   Shelly, who has gone through the Allender Center's Narrative Focused Trauma Care levels one and two, brings a story from fourth grade which has had life long implications.  

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Gaslighting was Merriam-Webster's word of the year in 2022.  Why did it make such a big splash?  In this episode we explore this concept, its roots, but also the fact that we need language for what is happening to us.  

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In this episode we take a look at the idea that we have various parts that make up who we are.  Traditionally theologians speak of Christians having the flesh and spirit, which is true.  However,  we know that we are never in this life simply one or the other.  When we are able to see how many of our unwanted behaviors are actually parts of us rooted in early traumas, we can move toward healing in way that is based on grace and avoid of the traditional uses of shame and self contempt.  

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So often in conflicts we would just love to hear the words, "I am sorry."  However, as great as this is, it really serves as only the beginning of restoration.  While not every conflict needs much more than these words to heal, many do.  

We find that often these words are aimed to deflect attention from the real issue rather then transition to healing the rupture.  In this episode we discuss how the words "I am sorry" are the gateway to further repair rather than simply being an end of the matter.    

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Repair is the third major pillar in healthy attachment.  Repair in a relationships is in some ways the most important aspect and also the most elusive.  We know that in this fallen world we will have conflicts in even our most cherished relationships.  

When you were growing up, was good repair demonstrated for you?  When you misbehaved were you invited to repair with a parent?  Did you ever experience your parent apologizing and repairing after they were harsh to you?  Was there an opportunity to discuss the conflict in a way that felt safe?

The forgiveness we have in Christ frees us to move toward reconciliation with others, whether we are the offender or the offended, or as is often the case, both.  The opportunity for Repair serves as a foundation saying we are always safe; this too can be forgiven.  Conversely, when repair is not available we will feel the need to walk on egg shells in the relationship.  

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In Episode 17 we discuss the importance of healthy containment in our families of origin.   Containment is a process that helps children feel safe involving the emotional support that adults give children. Healthy containment helps develop a strong attachment to our caregivers.  It is especially important when the child expresses emotions that the parent may not be comfortable with. 

When containment was not experienced you developed ways of coping which have impact in adulthood.   How did your mother or father respond to your big emotions?  Containment is the catalyst between attunement and repair.  It is in this space, the container, where we were either attuned to or missed - leading to rupture and thus needing repair. 

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Attunement is the sense that you matter; that someone else sees you and is tending to you. We were made to be attuned to – by God and by our primary caregivers.  When our deepest needs are seen and met, we feel safe and able to attune to others.  However, for many of us, we did not receive attunement in our childhood, and so this quality may feel elusive.  In this episode we explore how we can still know something of real attunement in our adulthood as well as grow in our ability to attune.  

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We were made to be loved by our primary caregivers.  Three main categories that outline what we were meant to receive are attunement, containment, and repair.  This episode will introduce this topic as we will explore what it means for us in our present lives when these were not the way our families of origin operated. We believe by naming the particularities where these were not received enables us to experience healthier relationships.

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