SUMMARY KEYWORDS

book, talks, learning, interpersonal neurobiology, language, consciousness, thought, psychosis, happening, stories, memory, limited, mind, lithium, electric shock, body, coming, universe, lithium carbonate

So I'm making this video and I haven't even finished doing my hair for the day, because I was drying my hair. And then I took a break to empty the dishwasher. And then I felt my hands tingling. And I thought, well, that's kind of weird. But what was interesting too was last night as I was falling asleep, ice, all of a sudden had this electric shock, go through my, my left eye. And then I was like, No, whatever, no went to sleep. And so today is day three of taking the EMP. So I was emptying the dishwasher. And then I look at my hands. And there's all this like white stuff on it. And it looks kind of like paint. And I'm thinking to myself, what did I touch, I don't think I touched anything that would have put this white stuff on my hands. And then I tried to wash it off, or even scrape it off, and it wouldn't even come off. So I'm like this stuff doesn't even come off. And then my brain started going in the direction of for universe stuff. Because I was looking all over, I was looking at all the different things that I had touched within the last five minutes. And I was trying to see if there was any kind of group or of any kind on them and nothing. So I'm walking around thinking, Okay, universe, what is going on? Because I have had an experience before. I don't know if I mentioned it that I went to the hospital, and then they wouldn't admit me. And when I got back, there was blood all over a red pepper that I had. And I was like, How the hell did that get there. And I still haven't figured that one out. But it was pretty freaky, because I even tasted it because I was like, that can't be blood. Like there's no way that can be blood. And whatever it was, it tasted like blood. And I ended up in the psych ward two days later. And when they were talking to me in one of the rooms, they gave me some water and that tasted like blood. So it could have just been that everything was tasting like blood. It was one of those synesthesia things going on. Just to freak me out further, of course. And it could even be that in that state of terror, that feels like death and things tastes like blood, because that's just the level of consciousness. But anyways, I haven't figured that one out for real, and I don't think I ever will. And I think it was also the universe telling me, well, you'll never figure out the universe, how are you going to do that? Like I can, I can do anything. And it really can. So my hands, I don't know if you can see, but I can't really see those white on my on there. And then my fingers. And that's all my pinkie. Basically, everywhere on my fingertips especially and on my palm. And then this hand is like this on my palm like that. And then my finger that, that? Oh, and it's on the back of my thumb on this hand. Because I was how I noticed that maybe it was not something I touched was, I noticed that the back of my thumb was tingling. And then I looked at the back of my thumb, right where it was tingling. And that's where this white paint looking stuff is. And so I'm thinking myself, maybe I should actually contact the truehope people and have a support account, because I was just going to take one a day. But it seems that this stuff, this truehope stuff is really powerful. And they talk about how when your body gets the right nutrition, it starts to make the drugs be overmedicating because it doesn't really need that anymore, because it's using the nutrition. So it's getting the right nutrition. And then now all these drugs are like poisonous, and the body's sensing it as poisonous. And I've heard them say that before numerous times, because I've heard them speak numerous times over the years. And then this happens and I'm just thinking this is weird because I took one this morning and I had something to eat with it. And yeah, I had that electric shock thing last night and I had this tingling hands with white stuff all over this could be maybe lithium coming out of my nervous system out of my nerves through my fingers and I haven't checked the rest of my body and I don't think there's anything there. I haven't felt any tingling anywhere else. And then I googled lithium and white hands and all that came up was pictures of vacuum cleaners for some reason. So I think it might be more of a true hope interaction. And I didn't really think anything would happen with just one capsule because a dose is technically four capsules a day and I was just going to take it as a little bit of maintenance and I thought it might help a little bit with anxiety since I've not taking any kind of multi mineral of any kind. So it makes me feel like just going off medication and just totally just going with the true hope and just going with it it doesn't make me afraid it makes me hopeful actually to take one capsule and start to feel overmedicated basically is is kind of cool. I was just really weird. Like, it's it just really looks like I was painting like finger painting with with a five year old or something. Yeah, it's even on the tip of this finger is it's really strange. And it's interesting how it came about with tingling, like quite sharp, tingling in those spots on my hand where it was happening. So it's an indication it's doing something I feel like it could be pushing out lithium like this could be lithium stored up, because I know that lithium carbonate isn't really easily processed by the body or easily absorbed. That's why it's such a high dose. And I was going to switch to lithium orotate. But maybe that would be something to do after getting off the lithium carbonate. So it seems like there's a lot of it's stored in the body. And I'm looking at my hands and they're kind of sparkly and glistening to like water's coming out with my palms are are sweating a little bit. It's kind of fascinating. So yeah, day three of true hope just taking one capsule. Maybe something like lithium coming out on my skin, and it doesn't wash off. So hopefully it eventually comes off. So I might take a break from it tomorrow. not take it but we'll see how I feel today in terms of of anxiety, because if that's better, then maybe it would be worth continuing to take even though it's going to give me some kind of neurological tingling and, and shocks and things like that. But I'm thinking I should get an account with them. Raise your costs a monthly fee of something might actually be good to have that extra support even if I'm just taking one a day. And I have that extra person that I can call if something happens could be assigned to just really get with this coming off meds thing. I feel hopeful that it will help went from being like why did the universe put paint on my hands? What is it trying to do to this is probably just lithium coming out of my system. I've been on it for five and a half years which isn't even that long compared to how long Most people end up on it, people usually end up on it until they get a blood test back that say their kidneys are no longer able to cope with it. And I'd rather be off of it before that happens instead of wait until that happens. Because once my kidneys have gotten to that point that must have that must right there actually reduce the number of years one has left because one's kidneys still have to work for everything else that the body is bombarded with. So it's not a matter of if it damages the kidneys, it's a matter of when. So I think maybe in a couple of days, I'll call them and ask because I know there's one support line where you order the product through them, and then they support you automatically. And then there's another support line where you just buy the product at the store, and then you pay for the support. So I don't know which one is better. And there might be a slight variation in the product. Or at least there used to be in terms of the formulation. But I feel kind of hopeful. I feel, I feel kind of excited. Because to me, it feels like my body is rejecting the lithium because maybe it doesn't need it. Feeling the prickly feeling again right here. Wonder why would come up with a hand. It doesn't come off. I really want to be able to have faith in this process because I've had different naturopaths tell me take this or take that some say true hope stuff is good. Someone say it's too broad. It's it's like this one size fits all yet. It doesn't fit all because there's different bio types of bipolar. There's pyrole disorder, there's over methylation, there's under methylation, there's something about copper blahdy blah. And it would be nice if just this would work for me, because maybe I could just take this and I wouldn't have to be all complicated with my supplementation. Something that seems I was right about was that owning a bad day is definitely the number one predictor of happiness. Because I use mine this morning and I was smiling. And I think the universe and Gaia was smiling too because now I won't have to use toilet paper and I love things that are eco friendly where possible.

Packing up my books in boxes so I can use the shelves for other things from my place. And I just thought I would make a video for myself of some of my favorite books. So if while I'm away, I want to remember what I was reading, then I can just look at the video because I'm finding it easiest just to translate things into video. Otherwise, I don't really know what the heck I was doing. It will be written in some documents somewhere and I won't really know what I was trying to do. The first book that I think I only read half of is the divided self by rd Lang. Like I was reading this on the way to Aslan. And of course, I highlighted a lot of it. And they also have trials of the visionary mind by john were Perry, something I should finish reading when I get back to reading. This is an awesome book, I've read it more than once thought as a system by David Bohm, and it's a dialogue with other people. And it really breaks it down. This would be worth another read. And Dr. Stan Graf holotropic mind rethinking madness by Paris Williams. I think I read this whole book minus a few pages that were really wordy. The natural medicine guide to bipolar disorder, I read this and there was some helpful hints in it. I think this is the book that made me make the decision to inject b 12, which I later found out wasn't good for my specific metabolism. So always have to take every single thing with a grain of salt, and book spiritual emergency by Stan and Christina Graf. I think I read most of this book. And of course, spiritual emergency is another term for psychosis, not 100% of the same but very similar. The stormy search for the self, by Christina and Stan Graf. I read this book a number of years ago, drive yourself sane. And it talks about it talks about General Semantics, which is avoiding the verb to be saying I am and also paying more attention to the time binding aspect of language. So saying something like I'm depressed today versus I suffer from depression. So making things more clear about the time limited nature of things and how that can be important in driving ourselves saying, I think I read this before my crisis. So I don't think it worked. But I still managed to drive myself insane. And another book on language hidden language codes. I read this quite a few years ago. And I think it's pretty good book. Again, on the power of language to influence how we think and feel. And his book choices in recovery. Craig Wagner sent me a free copy because I'm in financial hardship. Especially when I did get this book, I didn't have a job at all. Then I got a job after. He has a lot of good stuff in here. And I think I read about half of this book psychiatry disrupted. I read this book, recovering sanity by Edward potful. It says a compassionate approach to understanding and treating psychosis. And this was the book where I, I think I talked about this book, I talked about how somewhere in the book that guy says, I don't care what happens in your spiritual experience. I care what you do with it afterwards. And I've been talking a lot about contacts. But really, I would like to put that into practice in daily life, otherwise, it doesn't really matter. And I have had periods where I was putting in practice and daily life and I'm hoping to get back to that can wilbers spectrum love consciousness. I read most of this quite a few years ago. I have no idea. And Dr. David Hawkins, he has quite a few books. He's no longer with us, but he has healing and recovery. The best one is power versus force. I would say, I used to have that when I lent it to someone, and I didn't get it back. I found some sections of the book helpful after my last visit to the psych ward, especially this page, page 296. talks about unconditional love. Maybe I should read this page. And I have the way of the human volume three. I think I have Volume One, somewhere. There it is. I don't know if I read this one yet. But Volume One definitely made a big mess out of. And I read some of this book, Carl Jung and it's called the earth has a soul. And it was put together by somebody else. But and this book, when the impossible happens by Stan Graf. I've read little bits of it, but not a lot. For some reason. I just I have trouble reading stories about people. And it's all about different stories of people and non ordinary realities, which should be really interesting to me, but just hasn't gotten a read yet. This books really good. JOHN C. Lilly reprogramming the human bio computer. He talks about LSD, but I just relate it to non ordinary states in general, to my favorite books of the last year or two, the pocket book guide to interpersonal neurobiology by Daniel Siegel. And this book is not really a pocket book. This is not going to fit in my pocket. But it definitely is a great book. It's quite it's definitely beyond just your casual read, you actually need to put some brainpower into reading it to get what he's saying. And he's the one that I learned the term EQ for IQ sensation from and it says EQ works sensation of feeling that a recalled memory is accurate, whether or not it is at work sensations give the signal that something is coming from the past. So the lack of a cork sensation is the unawareness that something's coming from the past. And then it can be scary because it's just a feeling of scariness. And if there was a scary thought and then there was a feeling of scariness Well, that would kind of make sense. Whereas if there's no clue about where the scary feeling is coming from, it could be from a memory but we're not recalling that it's there. So then it gets confusing. And I feel that's what has happened to me. And by knowing about this whole EQ fork sensation process, it has helped me to be aware when there are certain feelings there about while is there some kind of memory that's associated with it. And if not just allowing it to be a feeling and not being afraid, knowing it's a feeling happening now. And I don't know why it's happening. It could be something that might spiral me into a psychosis in the past, but I think just being aware of that helps to allow that to pass without adding stories to it. Because if I don't know, it's from the past, but I'm not really knowing what from that I'm going to start to make up reasons why I should be that afraid. Where whereas if I'm just feeling that feeling and I know what's coming from the past I don't really know what is lacking at fork sensation, but I'm not going to super impose thoughts and images around it, which would then be classified as hallucination and delusion because they're not happening now. So if I'm super terrified is probably from something in the past. But if I think I'm terrified because somebody is coming to get me right now, well, then that is going to add an extra layer of fear to it, and it's going to make it worse. So I just stay with the actual feeling sensation, knowing it's coming from the past. I don't know what though. So I think he really helped me with that. And Only time will tell if I'm able to stay out of the psych ward. Because, as of tomorrow, I'll pretty much be out the longest since I started having three relapses within the last less than two years. It was really three relapses, so called relapses within 14 months. But it'll be over eight months since I've been in the psych ward, I think. Yes. And that will be the longest. So each day now, after starting tomorrow is like the bonus day of not going back. And that's really one of my goals is to not go back. And the other is to get off medication. So yeah, if you want to learn about interpersonal neurobiology, and I think another very important part in there that he talks about is the relational mind, which I know I did talk about in videos, to myself in order to learn the concepts myself. That's the other thing that helps us. By talking about everything that I've learned that's been helpful, I'm sort of reinforcing it in my brain by talking to myself about it. And his other book I have is mindsight. He has another book out, he just put another book out, but I'm waiting to get it because he had a contest. And maybe I might win it. And I probably will buy it in Kindle format. Because I have a Kindle app on my phone. I don't buy as many books now because I haven't been reading but usually when I do, I buy it in Kindle now. I like the actual book. But I also like having it on my phone. So I can read it anytime, anywhere. If I have to wait somewhere or before if I would take transit. So mindsight this was this was this was super helpful for me too, in terms of learning about trauma, memory and, and the brain. I really think I'm not I haven't really thought about this before. But I'm thinking now just because I've been able to get through some stuff that just sort of knowing how my brain works or knowing how the mind works. Knowing about this memory stuff and EQ fork sensation and all the other concepts he talks about, actually helps me to, to understand and then it's not so scary. I don't get afraid of my own brain. We'll see if, if that's helpful over time. And I just turned to this page in the book, The Silent pulse by George Leonard, I really enjoyed this book. Often I get books on sale if I buy the paper copy. And he's talking about how a hologram contains all the information in the universe in a single point. And he says on page 82, each of us has a whole load of the universe. And though all the information of the universe is ultimately available in each of us, the amount of it we can encode and express a tiny amount indeed, is limited by our particular history, culture, language and nervous system. So everything is within us. And I feel like part of map consciousness actually releases some more that information for us to know, in sort of bite sized chunks. And it's still a scary process. It's it's more information than we're used to. And we're wondering where the heck it came from? Well, this book and many other books say every bit of information isn't every single point in the universe. So it makes sense that we can access other stuff. The real question might be, why aren't we accessing more, and it's limited by our language. And I think math consciousness is trying to teach us new language, it's trying to push our boundaries. And that's why it's a scary process. It's scary. So we don't get completely taken over by it, we don't go too far into it. Otherwise, we'd probably lose our material existence, and some people do. So it's enough to draw us back into into the common culture of the time, but we bring other information and we're just not sure how to communicate that. And this is a good book, nutrition and mental illness by Carl Pfeiffer. He talks about the biotypes of mental illness. And I bought this book emergence labeled autistic by Temple Grandin. And I haven't really got too far into it, it seems to be mainly her story. I thought maybe it was other information as well. So I haven't gotten totally into it. Because I did see the movie, of course, it's amazing. And I have the book, gut and psychological syndrome, about the gaps diet, which helps people with mental health stuff. I also have the book trans people live, I haven't really got into this book yet. I really wish there was just spare time to press pause on reality and just read. But I told myself that I want to focus more on embodying mania and actually being out there in the world. And the only reason I'm not right now at this very moment is because I need to pack up my stuff, and then get ready to actually go. And I'm hoping in that process of going, then that's when that happens. And I don't know if I will turn back to the books or not. Because I feel like I can read reality now. And might be part of my journey to explore the principles that I learned in manic consciousness in life, in order to bring that reality more into existence. And that's not going to happen by reading more books about it. And I have this book, the brain book by Peter Russell. And I didn't really read it. I got kind of a bunk copy off Amazon. And I just turned to a page though, it's interesting, because I just flipped right there. And it's about the glial cells, which I talked about yesterday, because I watched a bit of a talk on it. And he says, on page 41, unlike neurons themselves, the glia can divide and reproduce. This is important not only for maintaining the population of glia. But because where they divide, there's an opportunity for an axon to push through and make connections to other cells. Thus, the dividing of glia cells may be a part of the learning process. And I might have said that yesterday, I can't remember. But I was just thinking that since they can divide and stuff that they could have something to do with the learning process and, and shutting off some of the neurons might actually be important in learning because the neurons are talking about what it what they believe to be true and nothing else can really arise in consciousness. I just noticed that signed, cool. And I got this book kinship with all of life because I think in here somewhere there's a story about somebody being friends with a fly. And I wanted to read that because of my experience with the flies and how they weren't afraid of me. I didn't quite finish the book yet though. So those are some of my favorite books. I think. I did a rough count and I probably have around 200 books. I can't remember if it was 200 or 300 I think 200

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