In my life, I’ve been called many things.

Growing up in the 90s in a predominantly Caucasian community, I got the usual questions and comments.

We’ve come a long way since then and I’m fortunate I grew up at the tail end of much worst times. So I’ve been a victim of racism but I’ve also been called a racist. Let me explain.

Ah, toxic girlfriends. From Clueless to Mean Girls to Gossip Girl (is it Pretty Little Liars now?), do these only appear in the teenage years?

No.

These appear through to adulthood, from college/university to the workplace to motherhood to old age (who’s a better grandma?).

Granted, a lot of that nastiness starts in high school and I think some women just never learned their lesson.

I wish my mom was able to guide me during this time but friendships and relationships weren’t exactly dinner table topics.

So as a record for my daughter (and for anyone else who values good friendships), here are some of my own lessons.

When you want your kid to grow up tough enough to face the world but you don’t want to become your parents…What do you do?

Growing up with Asian parents, we were often taught that perseverance and hard work were the keys to success and that nothing is easy when it comes to reaching our goals. 

These values hold close to my heart because I believe that in order to achieve our goals, it takes effort, grit, courage and a ton of discipline to stay motivated, especially when we face setbacks, challenges and disappointments. 

I know firsthand how it feels to put so much pressure on yourself that suicide becomes an option when you lose control, fail and can’t manage the disappointment and shame of not meeting one’s unrealistic expectations.

So I sit on a fence.

How translating for your immigrant parents actually makes you more emotionally intelligent

Have you ever seen an Asian mom and her kid at a restaurant and the kid is ordering for the both of them in perfect English and then confirming it with his/her mom in their native language?

I was that kid and still am.

How has that affected me as an adult and as a mom?

For me, the first year of motherhood was all about survival, keeping my head above water and recovering from a lost sense of identity: 

Is being a mom the only role I’ll have from now on?

Will my boobs ever go back to normal?

What happened to my independence?

My second year was all about managing schedules, efficient timelines, ticking boxes, getting things done in a short period of time, constantly shifting gears between work and home. (Let’s go, go, go…get it done)

And during this year, I unknowingly began accumulating all these mental notes.

My brain was drowning in mental notes, composing a Rachmaninoff-like melody that got more chaotic with each passing day.

It was at this time when the comic, “You should’ve asked” appeared in my Facebook feed. After reading it, I felt better about my situation.

It’s validating to know why I’m feeling this way (genetics, society, culture, environment…etc.) and that I’m not the only one.

The first step to solving any issue is acknowledging that I have one and then understanding it.

But then what? I don’t like this feeling. What can I do within my control to change this?

After she was born, I started hating my husband like he was this evil asshole who only cared about himself and his needs.

I was annoyed he needed help with things I had been doing all by myself like carrying her from the car seat to the crib without waking her up (Come on man, that’s like Ninja shit we Asians are supposed to be naturally good at).

Every minute he was late, the resentment grew exponentially. My internal struggles of accepting my new role as this nurturing, caring, selfless person would become so apparent every time he was with our daughter.

In this episode, I share my story of how I was able to figure out why I resented him and how it took us both to curb the resentment.

Have you ever been to a Coach outlet? Or an Aritzia sale? Who do you see? What are stereotypical Asians obsessed about?

Gucci, Prada, Louis Vuitton…Purses, sunglasses, clothes, shoes, cars…stuff, stuff and more stuff.

Materialism is rampant across all cultures; however, Asians have been stereotyped as being extremely materialistic. This perception is blatantly demonstrated in Kevin Lee’s web show Ultra Rich Asian Girls. 

In this episode, I share with you my own materialistic journey and how it's affected my parenting style.

The quiet, submissive Japanese businesswoman; the self-sacrificing, man-pleasing Chinese wife; the docile, needy Korean female international student.

Whenever I hear these stereotypes, I first cringe in disgust knowing that these are some people’s fantasies; then, a wave of anger hits me like a ton of bricks, mad about the misconception media has played in creating them.

I am an Asian woman.

But I am not those Asian women.

I am a feminist who voices her opinions.

I am a strong and independent Asian woman.

I am a thought leader.

I am educated.

I am empowered.

I am a mother who fights for her rights.

I believe all women would have the same reaction to these stereotypes.

For most of my life, I believed if I expressed myself authentically, making decisions that aligned with my values, having faith in society to shun discrimination, then no one would dare put me in a box.

However, when I had my daughter, it made me think critically about why Asian female stereotypes are formed, how they’ve affected me and why I need to be more active in dispelling them.

Because at the end of the day, I feel hopeful there is a future for my daughter where no preconceived assumptions are made about who she is based on her gender and/or race. And it starts with all of us, saying something.

First of all, I don’t judge a parent for sharing pictures of their kids on social media.

It’s a personal choice and ultimately, it’s what works for their family.

I don’t know how many photos and videos I have of my daughter but I know there are a lot. Like other new parents, everything our kid does, it’s like freaking Christmas.

Holy crap, she burped.

OMG, she’s got a snot bubble.

Awww, she’s falling asleep while eating.

Wow, she rolled over.

Gotta catch em’ all!

It’s hard not to share the excitement with the rest of the world. I mean, we all think our baby is the cutest baby and everyone should see how adorable they are.

I was on the fence about posting pictures because I mean if celebrities do it, it should be fine right? But then if I always made decisions based on what a celebrity would do, I probably wouldn’t be where I am (jumped off a bridge too?).

So I sat on the fence for a little while, thinking about my own journey with social media.

Did you hear about the shooting in that town?

What about that woman who was murdered on her way home from work?

Or that country that keeps massacring its own people?

No – most likely, I wouldn’t have heard it because I don’t pay attention to those stories.

It’s not like I’m a recluse or an ostrich hiding its head in the sand

It doesn’t make me ignorant either because if you look at the definition of someone who is ignorant:

"Individuals who deliberately ignore or disregard IMPORTANT information or facts, or individuals who are unaware of IMPORTANT information or facts." – Wikipedia, my friend

Do you notice the words IMPORTANT?

Important has a different meaning for everyone. For me, things that are important are the things I care about and have control over. They matter to me because I can do something about it. Everyone has a story of how they became who they are. The moments in our history shape our motivations, beliefs, values, character and ultimately, what we care about.