The unaccounted-for dildos.

A Series in 17 parts, By Blacksheep. Listen to the Podcast at Steamy Stories.

 

At

St Michael's church hall, Jenna was making the most of her day off from

work. That was the good thing about being part-time. Getting Mondays

off. The downside? Monday was the day her husband started writing his

sermon. In desperation, she'd agreed to help the ladies of the Mother's

Union out at the church hall. It was more interesting than listening to

Simon read out long paragraphs. The MU ladies were elderly, but fun to

talk too. And boy, did they love to gossip. As a vicar's wife, she'd

become privy to all sorts of information. However, Jenna wasn't one for

such tittle-tattle, and would just politely humor the nosey old dears.

"Excuse

me, a stressed-looking delivery man said, knocking on the church hall

door. Parcel here for St Michael's Mother's Union?"

"Hi!

I'll take that off your hands," Jenna said. "I have a feeling this is

the box of long overdue advent calendars everyone's been moaning about."

"Nothing to do with me," the man replied. "Blame the guys at the other end. We're short-staffed."

"I understand," Jenna replied, signing for the parcel. "You're doing a wonderful job. Have a wonderful Christmas!"

"Uh; cheers," the man muttered, not used to compliments.

"No

use selling these at the Christmas Fair seeing as that was yesterday,

and we're four days into December." Jenna said, as she set the box on a

table. "What can we do with thirty advent calendars? I know. I could

extract all the chocolate pieces, recycle the packaging; put the

chocolate in a big bowl and the children could help themselves at next

week's service;“

She opened the box and got a shock at what was contained within.

"Holy; she;“

"I say, Mrs. Morris, whatever's that?"

Jenna jumped as one of the Mother's Union members returned from the hall kitchen.

"Er, hello Mrs. Grimes it's a;“

"A horse's saddle? What ruddy great twerp donated that?"

"Um;“

"We've

had some strange donations over the years, but this! It takes the

biscuit! Just look at this!" She rummaged in the box and pulled out a

riding crop, mask and blinkers. "A job lot of horse tack! Did Frankie

Dettori donate it?"

"Perhaps?"

Jenna replied, trying to keep a straight face as the elderly woman held

up an enormous purple dildo, shaped like a horse penis, and looked at

it in utter confusion.

"This must be for giving liquid medicine to horses."

"Last

year, someone donated a bus stop sign, a chamber pot and a false leg,"

another woman piped up. "The bus stop sign was really popular. We got

fifty quid for it."

"How

ridiculous!" Mrs. Grimes replied. "We can't sell this at the Advent

tombola. No horsey folk round here. You might as well take it down to

the charity shop; or mail it to Aintree racecourse;“

"Er; I'll stick to the charity shop, Mrs. Grimes. Think of the postage cost."

"Ah, yes. Good thinking. Right, well, I'll leave it up to you then."

"I'll

get rid of it," Jenna said, then spotted an invoice. Unfolding it, her

eyes widened. "Shit; I must get this stuff to Norman before anyone else

sees it and realizes what it actually is!" She chuckled. "I bet Gladys

is behind it! Absolutely shameless!"

Jenna admired the old lady. "I hope I can have fun like that if I live to be as old as her. She's got the right attitude."

Hurrying out of the church hall with the big box, she didn't look where she was going and bumped into someone.

"Oh, I'm so sorry!" she spluttered, as the box fell to the ground, some of its contents tumbling out.

"That's

quite alright, you look loaded up," the man replied. "Ah! Simon's dear

wife. Nice to meet you again, my dear!" He shook her hand.

"Oh;

Reverend Fletcher! If you're looking for Simon, he's at the vicarage,

writing his;“ She froze as he bent down and picked up a horse mask and

dildo.

"My, my. Is this a Secret Santa for the good vicar, eh?" Reverend Fletcher chuckled.

"It's not mine," Jenna replied quickly. "It was delivered to the hall by mistake."

"I

bet it belongs to the organist, am I right?" Reverend Fletcher gave her

a wink, but behind the jolly old man facade, lay a less pleasant

character, and Jenna was immediately on her guard. She reached into her

pocket.

"I've

no idea who this stuff belongs to, but it's not Gordon, I can assure

you," Jenna replied. "Either a mix-up or a prank. We do get people

donating adult-themed items to church jumble sales for a laugh."

Reverend

Fletcher wasn't fooled. "Oh come, come, dear Mrs. Morris. I think it's

just the sort of thing the organist; and that little; filly who was

helping him play the organ, would enjoy! I didn't get a chance to speak

to the filly; do you know her name?"

Jenna

didn't give anything away. "Reverend Fletcher, Gordon's private life is

none of my business. And if you're hinting he was doing something

inappropriate during the Sunday service, well you're mistaken."

"Is that so?" The old vicar pulled out his smartphone and showed her the video he'd filmed.

"Now

I may be old, but I know fellatio when I see it, my dear. Is your good

husband aware of what the church organist is getting up to?"

Jenna

tried to remain composed. "Reverend Fletcher. I had no idea this had

occurred, and neither has Simon. I will inform him immediately and he

will have words with Gordon. Thank you for bringing this safeguarding

concern to my attention. We will ensure this never happens again. Now,

if I could ask you to delete that piece of video footage."

"I

think not," Reverend Fletcher replied. "I think I'll hang on to it for

now. Unless of course, you know the name of the lass in the video? I'd

quite like to meet her."

"I've

no idea who she is," Jenna replied. "Never seen her before. Gordon

tutors many people. He's single and it's no secret that he's had a lot

of dates. Look, there's a privacy issue here, Reverend. It's in your

best interests to delete that video;“ She racked her brain, wondering

how to deal with this escalating situation. What a creep this man was!

"First

time he'd ever done that whilst playing the organ, I'm willing to bet?

Lucky fella. Some men have all the luck. During the church service too.

I've dreamed of something similar happening to me. Do you know, I woke

up this morning, with the most powerful hard-on I'd had in years;“

"Did you really?" Jenna replied, an idea forming in her mind.

"Yes.

In fact I'm getting hard again, just talking about it." He wasn't

lying. Jenna noticed the bulge tenting up his black trousers.

God,

that's impressive, she thought. This man was horrid, but was pitching

one hell of a tent. I wonder if; well I have to try. I can't have anyone

trying to harm Gordon or Miya. It was time to take one for the team.

"Reverend

Fletcher," she began, running her hand down his face. "Forget the

little thing playing Gordon's organ. If you were to attend our Wednesday

service; I could worship you in ways that'll make you thankful God made

you a man. I give you my word."

The reverend's eyes widened in wonder. The vicar's wife; actually trying to seduce him? This was too good to refuse.

"My God; I'll be there! What do you have in mind?" He was almost salivating with arousal.

"Well you'll have to wait and see, won't you? But first;“ she snatched the phone from his hand and deleted the video.

"No!" He exclaimed. "Oh okay, fair enough, you win. Can I have it back now?"

"No

Reverend. I'll just hang on to it until after the Wednesday service.

Just two days. I'm sure you can manage without a smartphone for two

days. You have a landline phone at home don't you? Because you phoned

Simon from it last night."

"Yes

I do; but the smartphone is the only way I can access the Internet! I

don't have a laptop or tablet at home. I use that smartphone for

everything! It's got private stuff on there. My internet banking app!"

"Don't

worry, I won't look at anything. We'll just log out of the app and

everything will be just fine. There. All done! If you need to go online,

the library is open. I promise you'll get it back after the Wednesday

service. You'd better be there."

"Mrs. Morris; please!" Reverend Fletcher yelled.

Jenna hurried to her car as fast as she could. So far, so good. She'd spared Gordon and Miya any embarrassment.

"Of

course, the dirty old goat could've uploaded the video to PornHub, made

backups. I've got to pay a visit to Gladys' grandson Dwaine. He's an

absolute tech ace. He'll be able to check if that video is truly

deleted; and if it's floating around porn land;“

She

sped out of the church hall car park. "Good thing I recorded all that

on my own phone too." She pulled her phone out of her pocket and

switched it off.

"I

am still curious to see that cock of his," she said to herself as she

drove through the town center. "The Devil makes work for very

frustrated, horny men;“

It had been far too long since she'd brought salvation to a different man of the church.

A Christmas Miracle.

It

was Christmas Eve, and the fourth Sunday of Advent. At St Michael's

church, the morning service was being led by Reverend Fletcher; who

unknown to him, was about to give the most stimulating sermon of his

life;

"What's this old padré doing here again?" Gordon muttered, as he noticed Fletcher head up to the pulpit.

"Jenna

told me that she'd personally invited him back in order to do the

sermon today. Because Simon's sermons are so boring," Miya whispered.

"Ah!

That makes perfect sense!" the organist replied. "Good old Jenna,

always thinking of ways to make this church more enjoyable, eh?"

"Yup, that's my cousin. Full of Christian mercy!"

They

both giggled, unaware of the real reason Reverend Fletcher was here.

And the service, for him was about to get a lot more interesting.

"Brothers

and sisters, it gives me great;“ the reverend paused as he felt

something - or someone fumble under his purple vestments.

"pleasure, to be addressing you all today."

And then the sound of the zip on his trousers being pulled down.

He twitched nervously, trying to retain his composure.

As

the congregation sat in the pews, lost in prayer and contemplation, a

single bead of perspiration trickled down the Rev. Fletcher's brow. It

wasn't from the Advent candles burning nearby, but from the passion that

burned within him. He now knew that today's sermon would be unlike any

other he had ever delivered, and it wasn't just because of its unique

message of love and acceptance. The old vicar didn't dare move from the

pulpit, as all eyes were on him. He'd just have to tough it out;

In

the cramped space inside the pulpit, Jenna was impressed as she pulled

down the old man's white boxer shorts, revealing the thick, meaty length

of him, already half-hard with anticipation. Quite a tasty-looking

cock, she had to admit. She wrapped her lips around the tip, feeling the

warmth and weight of him fill her mouth. Reverend Fletcher's voice grew

hoarse as he continued to read, his hips starting to move

involuntarily, pushing himself deeper into her mouth.

The

Reverend Fletcher was old, really old, but his cock was something to

behold. It was as if time had stopped at his groin, leaving him with a

magnificent, thick shaft that seemed to defy the laws of nature. Jenna

couldn't help but continue to be amazed as she sucked him harder. As bad

as this chap had been, his impressive cock deserved her full attention.

Over at the organ, Gordon was impressed by this far more interesting sermon.

"Well

he might resemble something from the Pickwick Papers, but he writes a

much better paragraph than our Reverend Morris! I guess it's because

he's older and more experienced?"

"Yeah,

I liked that bit where he said there should be only good vibes at

Christmas and Jesus being born in a stable because the NHS waiting lists

were too long. That was funny!" Miya whispered back.

"The

old boy looks to have high blood pressure," Gordon mused, noticing the

sweat running down the vicar's forehead. "Reminds me of something; hell,

it's bloody freezing in this church, but he looks like he's been sat in

a sauna."

Reverend

Fletcher's voice trembled slightly as he continued to enthrall the

congregation with a Christmas-themed sermon like no other. They assumed

his wavering composure was normal for him.

"This guy is on fire," Miya said, also captivated. "He knows how to entertain an audience!"

"Looks

to me like he's rather entertained himself! Look how he's gripping the

pulpit there - his fingernails have turned white. And the way he's

thrusting slightly; looks like he's humping the thing!"

"Gordy, you have a naughty mind!"

"Hmm, I wonder where I get it from?" He stared at the old vicar again. "It might be just me, but he doesn't look well;“

In

front of the pulpit, Reverend Morris was listening intently to his

mentor's words. I truly learned from the best, he thought. Thanks to

Horatius, I am able to write wonderful sermons! It was so nice of Jenna

to invite him to conduct our morning service. He glanced at the seated

congregation, and saw no sign of his wife anywhere.

That's odd. I swore I saw her sitting at the front before. She's missing this amazing sermon. Maybe she had to go to the ladies;

As

Reverend Fletcher's climax approached, his heart raced with an

unfamiliar urgency. The words on the page of his sermon began to blur,

and he felt a warmth spreading through his body. He looked down, only to

see Jenna the vicar's wife, her lips wrapped around his cock, her eyes

locked on his. It was then that he realized his heart condition had

worsened, and the pleasure of the moment was quickly replaced by fear.

With

a loud gasp, he slumped forward onto the pulpit, his weight pulling

Jenna away from him. She looked up at him, concern etched on her face,

as he struggled to catch his breath. And then, with a final heave, he

staggered towards the pulpit steps, then collapsed on the floor,

motionless.

Someone screamed.

"Oh my God! Call 9 9 9!"

Norman

the churchwarden quickly pulled out his phone and called an ambulance.

Everything seemed to unfold in slow motion for a few moments.

It

was then that Gordon sprang into action, leaping over the shelf at the

side of the organ like a gazelle. His black, open-fronted gown billowed

behind him like a superhero's cape.

"I'm a trained first-aider," he yelled. "He's gone into cardiac arrest!"

As

Gordon began performing CPR on Reverend Fletcher, Miya watched in

stunned amazement. Some small children at the front of the church

started crying, and were led away by anxious parents.

"Please God, don't let him die," Reverend Morris begged, praying quietly, as they waited for the ambulance to arrive.

The entire church was in uproar, and the churchwarden struggled to calm the panicking congregation.

"Ladies

and gents please, I must ask you to sit quietly or if you wish to

leave, please can you do so in an orderly manner. In the chaos, Jenna

managed to creep out of the hollow in the pulpit, unseen, and hurry off.

"Oh

this is a nightmare," Reverend Morris sobbed, wiping away tears, as the

organist continued giving chest compressions. "On Christmas Eve as

well, and the defibrillator we had installed got stolen just a few days

ago!"

Seconds later, Jenna suddenly appeared at his side. "Oh Simon," she panted.

"He's breathing!"

A chorus of cheers erupted.

The sound of a siren outside the church was heard. Norman directed the paramedics into the church.

"Dear God, have our prayers been answered?" Reverend Morris asked his wife.

Jenna

bit her lip. "I sure hope so." She turned away. I don't want to have

that on my conscience. The fact I killed a man by giving him a blowjob,

she thought.

As the paramedics carried the stricken Reverend Fletcher into the ambulance, everyone turned their attention to Gordon.

"Where's our organist?" Norman said. "The guy's a bloody hero!"

Gordon was sat on the organ stool, resting, after his successful first aid.

"That was amazing, what you did just then," Miya said, her arm round his shoulders.

He shrugged. "Just basic first aid," he muttered modestly.

"But you were so calm."

"Inside

I was screaming. I don't think I've been as afraid as that since; can't

remember when. You know, being confronted with the harsh reality of

death - right here in the church."

"But you got his heart going again. He'll be okay."

"Aye, let's hope so. Could still have another heart attack, or end up with brain damage if starved of oxygen for too long."

"No Gordon, he'll be fine." Miya continued. "He's a vicar. God will keep him safe."

He

wasn't sure if she actually believed that or if she was just saying it

to make him feel better. It did make him feel better, though.

"Mmm, you're right." He pulled her onto his lap and hugged her.

"I

think my hero organist deserves a reward. How about a kiss for

starters?" She flung her arms around him and kissed him full on the

lips. The kiss developed into a full-blown snog, and just as Gordon was

getting into it, they were interrupted.

"Here he is!" Norman shouted. "Oh; are we interrupting?"

Gordon broke the kiss and looked embarrassed. "Er;“

"Just giving my guy a hero's reward," Miya replied.

"Well done, Gordon," Reverend Morris said, shaking his hand. "Your quick actions there may just have saved Horatius' life.

"He's not just a talented organist," Miya interrupted. "He's my Gordy-pie!"

Later;

Reverend Fletcher slowly opened his eyes. There was an oxygen mask on his face and his vision was a little blurry.

"Uh;“

"Horatius. It's me, Simon."

"Who are you?"

"Your friend and former student, Simon Morris."

"Are you really? Well that's jolly lovely! I didn't know I had a friend called Simon Morris."

"What's up with him?" Jenna asked, cautiously approaching his bedside.

"Erm, he seems a bit confused. Maybe it's the after effects of what's happened to him."

"Who's that?" Reverend Fletcher mumbled, straining his eyes to look at Jenna.

"This is Jenna, my wife."

"Oh how nice for you, she looks a lovely lady."

"He appears to have developed retrograde amnesia," Jenna said. "I wonder if it's just temporary?" Secretly, she was relieved.

"It's

the strangest of things," Reverend Fletcher continued, becoming more

aware of his surroundings. I can't remember what happened. But I was in a

church of some sort. I was reading something. Then I saw the face of an

angel. A beautiful angel, kneeling before me; very beautiful, a bit

like your wife. Then, nothing but a bright, white light. It must've been

the light of Heaven. But obviously God wasn't ready for my soul just

yet. And so, he sent me back to Earth."

"A near-death experience?" Reverend Morris said.

"I

truly have seen the light. I've been given a second chance. A chance to

become a better person, and live my life to the full. It's a miracle!"

"A Christmas miracle!" Jenna smiled.

Outside in the hospital corridor, Gordon was anxiously waiting, along with Miya.

"Well; how is he?"

"Doctor

says he should make a full recovery. But he'll need a pacemaker. He's

been damned lucky, and your quick actions today saved his life.

Apparently he's suffered from a dodgy ticker for years."

"When

he was reading the sermon, I got the feeling he wasn't well, Gordon

said. "He was sweating profusely and trembling. And his voice was shaky.

All classic signs of an imminent heart attack."

Reverend

Morris nodded. "There's one thing that the paramedics did mention, and

it may be inappropriate to say this, but; well, when they removed his

robes and examined him, he had a raging erection."

Gordon

burst out laughing. "Ah well that explains the heart attack then. Not

enough blood to go round. It had all rushed to his knob! Well I suppose

if the worst had happened and he'd snuffed it, he would've died happy,

eh? Dying with a raging hard-on, not a bad way to go."

"I wonder what on earth gave him an erection?" Miya wondered.

"Good

speech? It was a very passionate sermon. Reminds me of that scene from

the first Police Academy film. Ever seen that? The scene where the

prostitute gives oral to the old copper whilst she's hiding in a podium.

Only the old copper sees another bloke crawl out of the podium and

thinks he did it."

"I

remember that film," Reverend Morris replied. "Ha-ha yes, that was a

funny scene. I don't think that happened to the good Horatius Fletcher,

although he claimed he saw the face of an angel before he collapsed."

Jenna, stood beside her husband, just smiled and said nothing.

Later still;

"What

a day," Gordon said, as he and Miya arrived back from dining out at the

Scabby Horse, a country pub dating back to the 17th century.

"That restaurant was lovely. I've really enjoyed our first Christmas Eve together. It's been magical."

Gordon

removed the Santa hat he'd been wearing. "I'm so glad. After the trauma

of this morning, then having to speak to the local press, it was a

relief to finally relax!"

"Uh-oh,"

Miya groaned, noticing a car pulling up in front of the house. "Don't

relax just yet. Mum's just arrived. She'd better not cause a scene! Oh

why can't she just accept us? Your mum was really nice when I met her

the first time."

Catherine Leesmith was a fun-loving eighty-two year old, who'd welcomed her son's much younger girlfriend with open arms.

"Don't panic, maybe she just wants to talk," Gordon replied. "Good evening Mrs. Dickinson!"

"Oh

my God! I watched BBC Northwest earlier." She turned to Gordon. "You

were on the news. You; saved that vicar's life. Well done!"

"Well, I kept him alive until the paramedics came, yes." He awkwardly shuffled his feet.

Miya's

mum walked right up to him. "Gordon. I've said; some things. Things I

regret. And whilst I still think the age gap between the two of you is

far too wide, I;“

Gordon and Miya held their breaths.

"I

can see how happy you are together, so if you're happy, then I'm happy.

You're a good man, Gordon. You've certainly brought out the best in

Miya."

Gordon smiled. "Thanks so much, Mrs. Dickinson."

"Kathleen."

"Um, right. Kathleen. Er, Miya, tell your mum the good news!"

"You're not pregnant are you?"

"No Mum! I've just passed my driving test!"

"Oh congratulations, love! All thanks to Gordon as well I suppose?"

"No,

I'm not taking any credit," he said. "She did this all on her own and

worked damned hard. I provided encouragement, that's all. Right, come in

and let's all have a cuppa; or if you want something stronger, we've

got mulled wine, gin, beer; anything you like."

Miya hurried in first, thrilled that her mum had finally accepted her boyfriend.

"Gordon,

I think Santa will be delivering a four-wheeled present tomorrow

morning. I know you and my husband have been planning it for a while."

"Oh yes," he replied, tapping his nose. "Shush. She doesn't suspect a thing."

They

all entered Gordon's house, and Miya's mum couldn't help but admire her

daughter's boyfriend; or man-friend, as she preferred to call him.

He's

not my type, but quite attractive. And he has charisma, there's no

doubt about that. There's something about him. He does cut a dashing

figure in a suit and organist gown;

At the Parsonage

Reverend Morris and Jenna decided to have an early night.

"I've

always believed that you see something; otherworldly at the point of

death," he said as he climbed into bed. "I just can't stop thinking

about what Horatius Fletcher said. You know, about seeing an angel.

Sorry to keep going on about it."

"An

angel must appear to reassure dying people that everything will be

alright. Or in some cases maybe it takes the form of the dying person's

loved one?" Jenna replied.

"Hmm,

yes. Hard to fathom when you've never experienced it yourself. Oh well.

At least we know Horatius will be okay. Not much of a Christmas for

him, being stuck in hospital, but at least he's alive."

"Yep," Jenna smiled, snuggling up to her husband.

And

with any luck, she thought to herself, he'll never fully regain his

memory. He doesn't remember anything about filming Miya and Gordon, or

how I took his phone and got Dwaine to erase it. He doesn't remember me

inviting him to do the Sunday service either; or me sucking his cock. If

he does eventually remember, people will just think he's round the

bend;

"Merry Christmas Jen."

"Merry Christmas Simon."

They kissed.

The

vicar fell asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow, but Jenna wasn't

quite ready to fall asleep just yet. When she was sure that her husband

was well and truly in the arms of Morpheus, she slipped out of bed and

picked up her smartphone off the bedside table. She hurried into the

bathroom and shut the door. Switching on the phone, she opened a

password-protected secure documents folder.

"Oh

Gordon. I really do miss sucking that delicious thick cock of yours,"

she sighed as she fingered herself whilst watching the video of Miya and

Gordon that Reverend Fletcher had filmed. So it hadn't been completely

deleted after all. Dwaine had still been able to recover it using his

expert coding skills; and transfer it to Jenna's phone. (For entirely

personal use of course)!

By Blacksheep. For Literotica