Super True Stories

Dirty fingernails abound as we journey back to the 50s, a simpler time when people were still figuring out basic grooming. How do you use a toothbrush? Look, it’s complicated.

Thrill as we gasp out loud at the extreme levels of sexism in what is secretly a sock fetish film! Chill as we feel uncomfortable when the teens who were cast to play siblings have a little too much on-screen chemistry!

We’re discovering the true meanings of cave paintings, pondering whether children were more stinky 70 years, reporting a creepy old invisible woman stalking children, and wondering why every man in the 50s was named Stanley.

What’s the secret to living up to these high standards of personal care? To quote one of these films, plenty of gentle rubbing is all it takes!

We're suffering through and reporting back on the perplexingly specific Keep It Clean: Vintage Hygiene Films, available to stream for free for Amazon Prime members.

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Theme music: "Mexicana Massacre" by Tomb Dragomir off his Instrumental Psycho Synth Album

Ah, 2016. It was a simpler time when Americans had nothing to fear but killer clowns.

And that, according to this documentary, is all thanks to Wrinkles the Clown. He’s a 65-year-old Florida man, an internet star gone viral, and a questionable tool parents can use to discipline their children.

When the documentary unmasks its monster like a clumsy episode of Scooby Doo, we’ll question everything we were told, wade through the last third of a very boring documentary waiting for the point, and determine that while most of what we were told about Wrinkles is a lie, that part about him being a tool is certainly true.

Along the way we’ll witness a parade of scared children, from Kayla, a very young girl whose dad has asked Wrinkles to eat her, to Rena, a girl ready to fight Wrinkles with her momma and her dog Halo, to Jarrett, a boy who has been inspired by Wrinkles to get his own creepy clown mask and plastic knife, to Sean, who has stuffed his closet with empty boxes and removed his box spring to reduce the ways Wrinkles can get to him.

We’re also reliving some of our own childhood fears, visiting a “real” clown who doth protest too much about clowns being scary, and bemoaning the lack of positive clown role models for kids these days.  

We were down to clown, but after this documentary that may never happen again. 

We’re suffering through and reporting back on Wrinkles the Clown, available to stream on Hulu.

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Theme music: "Mexicana Massacre" by Tomb Dragomir off his Instrumental Psycho Synth Album 

Meet Jackie Siegel. Jackie’s a former IBM engineer, a former Mrs. Florida, and she might be on her way to being a former Mrs. Siegel if her husband makes good on his threats to trade her in for multiple 20-year-olds. 

Speaking of her husband, meet David Siegel. David is a self-made billionaire with a thing for pageant girls and cheap bank loans that have allowed him to build a timeshare empire on the backs of Walmart shoppers.

Together they’ll face the challenge of feeling cramped in their 26,000 sq ft house by building the largest single-family home under one roof in America. The 90,000 sq. ft. monstrosity modeled after Versailles and a Vegas casino is off to a great start… until the stock market crash of 2008 makes all of David’s imaginary money finally disappear.

Witness the hardship of only being able to give each of your children a single shopping cart overflowing with toys on Christmas. Thrill as a trophy wife forced to reacquaint herself with flying commercial endures the shock of her Hertz rental car not coming with a driver. Shed a tear as you see so much money spent on so many stupid things. 

The ony thing going for this documentary is that by the end of it, there will be one less billionaire in the world. (He’s still alive and kicking. He just loses a dang lot of money.) 

We’re suffering through and reporting back on The Queen of Versailles, available to stream on Hulu.

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Theme music: "Mexicana Massacre" by Tomb Dragomir off his Instrumental Psycho Synth Album

Meet Jeremiah, a self-styled auteur with a love for filmmaking but a seeming aversion to editing. 

Together with Troy, a paranormal investigator who is afraid of the dark, and his girlfriend Ashley, a woman who is nothing less or more than whelmed by the experience, the three hapless investigators will explore the second-most haunted house in Texas.

Thrill as they use state-of-the-art gaming technology from 2005 to paint a skeleton on a large bouncy ball!

Chill as they enter a psychedelic room or a psycho manic room or a Psycho Mantis room or whatever it’s called and see definitive proof of the paranormal that they didn’t bother to film!

But be warned! As dumb as all of this appears to be, things are even dumber than they seem.

We’re suffering through and reporting back on Whispers of the Unseen, available to stream on Amazon Prime Video.

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Theme music: "Mexicana Massacre" by Tomb Dragomir off his Instrumental Psycho Synth Album

On this episode, we watch one of the most un-creatively named documentaries we’ve ever watched for this podcast.

You know what? Screw it. Cue the orchestra. 

TWINE WARS

Turmoil has engulfed the world of TWINE BALL rollers.

For a generation, Francis and Frank, two twine ball rollers of noble ambition, have battled for the distinction of creating THE WORLD’S LARGEST BALL OF TWINE. 

Upon Frank’s passing, his Kansas home town relocates the ball to the town square and uses an army of people and spools of store-bought twine in an attempt to seize the WORLD RECORD and create an attraction even more fun than a murder house. But are they building a bigger ball, or are they building an obese POKEMON?

When Francis dies years later, his nephew will also donate their ball to his home town. Unsure whether the town truly wants the ball and hoping to resolve the matter, EDWARD from Ripley’s Believe It or Not will travel to rural Minnesota and experience the darkest day of his life. He will emerge scorned and full of spite, ready to hate-buy an inferior ball of twine rolled more by machine than man.

When you think you've seen it all, this documentary will have you believe there are three balls of twine. But no! There is another…

Guest starring Weird Al, 9/11, a very questionable method for weight loss, and old fashioned American values like arson and censorship.

We’re suffering through and reporting back on The World’s Largest Ball of Twine, available to stream on Amazon Prime Video. 

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Theme music: "Mexicana Massacre" by Tomb Dragomir off his Instrumental Psycho Synth Album

Four unlucky-in-love men have given up on American women and traveled half-way across the globe to Ukraine. 

Led by John (not just the president, but also a client), and Bob (tour director of the damned), they’ll attend a dance club that might actually be a Ukrainian baby shower, have a run in with a loan shark and corrupt law enforcement, introduce themselves to every woman in the room, and get engaged faster than you can say, “I’m not sure that’s the woman you’ve been emailing.”

In fact, one of these men will actually get married before the end of the documentary.

Will it be…

Travis, a farmer from a town in Wisconsin with far more cows than women

Eric, a man with an American flag hanging at the head of his bed and a gun closet the size of Texas

Bobby, an HR guy with a heart of gold and a very deep desire to believe, OR

Ron, a silver fox with surprisingly wholesome goals but zero game

We’re vaguely defining the word “date,” witnessing the results of what happens when your culture says you should be married at 18 years of age, and pondering how all this worked before the age of the internet, but all of that is just foreplay for the most horrific kiss we’ve ever seen on film.

We're suffering through and reporting back on Love Me, available to stream on Amazon Prime.

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Theme music: "Mexicana Massacre" by Tomb Dragomir off his Instrumental Psycho Synth Album

In times like these, we could all use the comfort of a warm hairy embrace. It's time for another service at the Church of Bigfoot!

When a young girl named Kiana sees a bear in the woods, it will inspire her to take the name “Bigfoot Girl” and launch her on a lifelong quest for a close encounter of the hairy kind.

We were hoping for a documentary that would finally bring some gender parity to the field of Bigfoot studies, but we should have known better given the film’s Cinemax cover art.

Instead, two men will suck all the oxygen out of the Canadian wilderness. Between James, a 238-pound podcaster and hipster icon who sees dead people, and Thomas, a Bigfoot experiencer who doubts everyone else’s Bigfoot experiences, only one documentary will make you wonder, “Where the @#$% is Bigfoot Girl?”

We'll take long ferry rides and then long car rides and then go on long hikes to a secret camp so we can hear theological debates about whether Bigfoot is building structures. We'll also hear the story of two young lovers having a massive overreaction to a motionless bush.

We’re tying cherries to trees because a psychic told us to, pondering whether a mystical fire can attract Bigfoot, telling the same stories multiple times, and finally coming up with a convincing theory of our own for why Bigfoot Girl is absent from her own film.

In today's service, you'll learn that Bigfoot may or may not be a conscientious robber of coolers, and he may or may not be a classic Loony Tunes character, but Bigfoot absolutely is a role model for these times.

We're suffering through and reporting back on Bigfoot Girl, available to stream on Hulu.

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Theme music: "Mexicana Massacre" by Tomb Dragomir off his Instrumental Psycho Synth Album

Stinger music features "Swing Party" by David Szesztay

Toads gone wild!

It’s the 1930s and sugar is booming, particularly in North Queensland, Australia. But the farmers there have a problem: grubs are eating their crops.

The Bureau of Sugar Experiment Stations, desperate to get the farmers off their backs, attend the World Conference of Sugar Technologists in Puerto Rico and get the brilliant idea to import toads to Australia to eat the grubs and save the crops.

The toads, rudely handled and unfed during their two-week journey, arrive in Queensland hungry, horny, and with a newfound resentment for Australia.

We’ll learn why this all goes wrong, but not before we witness a scientist banging two toads together like Barbie and Ken dolls, are treated to an homage to Psycho and Night of the Living Dead, and sing some hymns while the toads screw.

Thirteen years before he made The Natural History of the Chicken, documentary filmmaker Mark Lewis will use the cane toad as an excuse to create a movie that is one part ecological disaster, one part gross out horror comedy, one part toad porn set to an 80s Cinemax movie soundtrack, and one part subtle suggestion that an amphibian Necronomicon is responsible for the failure of the marriage between Prince Charles and Lady Diana.

We’re suffering through and reporting back on Cane Toads: An Unnatural History, available to stream on YouTube.

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Theme music: "Mexicana Massacre" by Tomb Dragomir off his Instrumental Psycho Synth Album

Meet John. And Matt. And Harper. And Nate. And another John. And Grey. And Dan. And Tyler. And Patrick. And another John. And…. Okay, let’s try this again. 

Meet Chris. He owns a parking lot, and in this movie we’re going to meet about twenty of his past and current parking lot attendants.

From one cynical white male wannabe philosopher to the next cynical white male wannabe philosopher, thrill as cynical white male wannabe philosophers hate-park cars in what could have been called “Resentment: The Movie.”

We’re diving deeper than the movie does into social issues, sharply disagreeing with a critic from the New York Times, and pondering if it’s the UVA students or their parents in that income tax bracket.

But mostly we’re just trying to make it through all the depressing tedium so we can get to big rap number at the end.

We’re suffering through and reporting back on The Parking Lot Movie, available to stream on Amazon Prime Video.

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Theme music: "Mexicana Massacre" by Tomb Dragomir off his Instrumental Psycho Synth Album

When three very literal, very Catholic, very Canadian sisters decide getting sugar daddies might be their shortcut to financial success, what could go wrong? 

They’ll entice guys with photos of their pets, go on dates for free because they don’t know how to ask for money, and then sell themselves short by pointing out how the exchange rate means they could be paid less.

Featuring a really, really, really disappointed mom (really), a juicylicious man who feels like the personification of a leisure suit, and more vocal fry and uptalk than a single nation could contain.

Join us as we ponder what you call a group of sugar babies, consider whether this whole thing is a pyramid scheme, and shed a single tear as the Sisterhood of Traveling Sugar Babies falls apart. 

We’re suffering through and reporting back on Sugar Sisters, available to stream on Amazon Prime Video.

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Theme music: "Mexicana Massacre" by Tomb Dragomir off his Instrumental Psycho Synth Album