Sometimes, you just never know what the answer will be when you ask a celebrity for an exclusive interview.
In my annual letter addressed to the North Pole, I asked Mr. Kringle (aka Santa Claus) if he would grant my Christmas wish and allow me a few minutes to get his take on the world of sports. Much to my surprise, he agreed!
Here’s how our phone conversation went earlier this week:
Me: Santa, I am so thrilled that you have agreed to find a few minutes to talk sports with me before your busy day this Friday! I’ve been a big fan of yours for a long time.
Santa: Yes, I’ve known you were a sports enthusiast ever since you asked for that set of plastic golf clubs back when you were seven years old! Your Mom wasn’t very happy when you hit your older brother over the head with that plastic putter, you know. To your credit, you seemed to have improved on that temper problem over the years. Ho, ho, ho!
Me: Hey, you really ARE Santa Claus, aren’t you? What’s your most requested item this year?
Santa: That’s easy! I just received a big order for 500 million COVID home testing kits from the President. Talk about a tough order! He wants those ready by January. Hey, when are we going to talk about sports?
Me: Of course, Santa! Since I’ve lived my entire life down South, I was curious if you are much of a football fan.
Santa: Ho, ho, ho! You’re looking at a man who loves watching football on television as much as anyone. How do you think I got this belly that shakes like a bowl full of jelly?
Me: At your age, you’re allowed, big guy! By the way, just how old are you?
Santa: I figured you might be going there. My official answer is, “I am as old as my nose and a wee bit older than Mrs. Claus!” A few of these newfangled internet websites say that I am 1,751 years old this year. For a man who eats as many cookies as I do one just one night of the year, I stay on my paleo diet the rest of the time to drop some of the extra pounds. Hey, maybe you should try it too, tubby! I see you’ve only lost one pound this year instead of the ten pounds you promised to lose.
Me: Watch it, Santa, or I’ll ask if venison is on your paleo diet!
Santa: Good one! I’ll use that line during my next interview!
Me: Back to football, what did you think about the recent LSU football coaching change?
Santa: I liked Coach Ho-Ho-O’s personality, but his last two years as a coach just weren’t up to par. He got an early Christmas present with that huge severance package, so Santa will be putting a list of good tax accountants in his stocking later this week!
Me: What’s your opinion of their new football coach, Brian Kelly?
Santa: If he can recruit a great offensive line to come play at LSU like the O-lines he had at Notre Dame, I think Tiger fans are going to warm-up to him just fine. Keep an eye on that new high school quarterback Coach Kelly just signed last week from south Louisiana. That young man plays looks like a young Drew Brees. He might be really good!
Me: The SEC and the rest of the country just can’t seem to take down Alabama from the top of the college football world. Santa, are you helping Coach Saban more than the rest of the college football coaches?
Santa: Well, it’s hard not to like another guy who is called St. Nick! I will admit to putting a few extra 5-star recruits in his stocking every year. Ho, ho, ho!
Me: Thanks for being truthful, Santa. Let’s switch to pro football for a moment. Do you think the Dallas Cowboys will finally get back to the Super Bowl this year for the first time since 1995?
Santa: I may be one of the few people who realize just how many Dallas Cowboys fans there are in America. Me and Coach Tom Landry were buds for the longest time, you know.